The Matchman
Page 1
THREE PANELS
1 - Our comic begins with three panels of equal size. The
first one is a close-up shot of WILHELMINA VON KENYA laughing diabolically. (She still has the whole Nazi regalia look going on, with the SS officer’s hat and all, but now in black cold-weather gear, with a fur-lined parka - including armband - and big boots as well as gloves.) She is in the flying saucer’s command chamber, of which more later. The caption below stretches across the entire page, along the bottom of all three vertical panels.
CAPTION
Brace yourselves, Matchfans, for the mind-numbing conclusion to the Ultima Thule Project! Code name: UNTERGANGSTA! Read on...if you dare!
2 - The second panel features MATCHMAN in a close-up shot.
He looks concerned, and also appears to be in pain. He is wearing his usual costume, which is accentuated with rips, tears, and burn marks. He too is within the flying saucer command chamber.
3 - The third panel is a close-up shot of new character
KIMOKO, with her head turned slightly as though startled by something. She has big eyes, manga-style, and is dressed in cold weather gear as well - Arctic-pattern camouflage. She
1 is a young and pretty Japanese woman, approximately in her mid-twenties. She has short dark hair. She is posed against a backdrop of Antarctic wilderness, from what little we can see of her backdrop. (All three faces should just about fill their respective panels.)
Page 2
FOUR PANELS
1 - A despondent DER GLOCKENSPIEL languishes in a cell
somewhere in Germany. He looks a bit frail without his combat armor. He is holding a small toy monkey, with cymbals.
CAPTION
And so, while DER GLOCKENSPIEL awaits justice in Berlin...
2 - Exterior shot of our old favorite, the VALCom
Headquarters tower in midtown Manhattan. Daytime.
LANCE CORPOREAL [from building]
Well, there it is, then...
CAPTION
...Our heroes convene back at VALentine Complex in order to plan the second stage of their campaign!
3 - Interior shot of the VALCom conference room - the one
with the big table. Present are LANCE CORPOREAL, SERGEANT STRIKER, MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL and ARNIE STECHKIN. LANCE is standing up and addressing the group in an agitated manner.
LANCE CORPOREAL
...Thanks to the information that you’ve acquired, we now know that we have to stop WILHELMINA VON KENYA from uncovering the key to that Nazi UFO that she’s chasing!
2 Z-GIRL
Yeah, and on a skeleton staff, too, what with SUZANNE on personal leave and DOCTOR DENDRITE still in critical condition!*
MATCHMAN
If only we could find the key, whatever and wherever it is, ahead of that villainous vixen!
CAPTION
*Yes, ever since Issue Number 11, ye of long memory! -Eds.
4 - LANCE turns to introduce KIMOKO, who walks in the door
behind him, with a flourish of his right hand. KIMOKO is drawn manga-style, and is a short, petite Japanese young woman with short black hair. She is wearing an outfit that looks like a cross between office casual and a combat jumpsuit. She has perfect poise, and manages to look both educated and deadly at the same time. Kind of like a cross between Eriko Sato and O-Ren Ishii, but smarter and one hundred per cent Japanese.
LANCE CORPOREAL
While you fellows were digging up clues in Swabia, this talented young lady came calling at HQ on a mission of grave import! Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Special Agent KIMOKO of Japanese Intelligence!
KIMOKO [chirpy]
Good morning, everyone!
Page 3
FOUR PANELS
1 - KIMOKO stands at her place at the conference table and
begins her background lecture as the VALCom staff listen attentively.
3 KIMOKO
We don’t have much time, so I’ll be as swift and precise as possible in my briefing! Lately, it has come to the attention of my organization that a crisis of grave proportions has been brewing - both at home and abroad!
2 - Sepia-toned flashback panel, depicting Japanese
military officers of the 1930’s swearing some sort of fraternal oath at a traditional Japanese ceremony. The badge of the black chrysanthemum is prominently displayed.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
Before the War, a secret coterie of Japanese military officers swore themselves to annexing all of Asia and to eventual world domination! These were the Black Ocean Society!
3 - More sepia-toned flashback, this time of Japanese
Intelligence agents, KIMOKO among them, conducting a raid upon a modern business office wherein a score of elderly agents were apparently conducting some sort of meeting before being so rudely interrupted.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
Recently, it came to the attention of my department that the Sons of the Black Chrysanthemum were still alive and well and conducting operations at the highest levels of the MITI!* In the course of our raid, many details came to light!
CAPTION
Ministry of International Trade and Industry - Eds.
4 - Sepia-toned depiction of a vast underground hangar,
loaded with UFO-type flying saucer ships of obviously alien design. Japanese technicians swarm over them. The black chrysanthemum badge is again prominently displayed on hanging banners.
4 KIMOKO [voice-over]
We learned that the Black Ocean Society, through their contacts with the Nazis before, during, and after the War, had managed to acquire alien technology far in advance of human scientific progress! Not only were many of the inventions of Japanese companies over the last fifty years merely introductions of alien tech in disguise, but many even greater developments lay hidden! Such as the secret of interstellar travel itself - the Stealth Saucer!
Page 4
SIX PANELS
1 - The flashbacks continue, as we see depicted a
technologically advanced yet fantastically ancient city. (Think Flash Gordon and the planet Mongo.)
KIMOKO [voice-over]
Thousands of years ago, before the beginnings of our recorded history, a globe-spanning Empire of the Vedic civilization had its capital at the ancient city of Mohenjo-Daro!
2 - View of a laboratory, with vaguely Hindu-looking
scientists dressed in outlandish clothing tinkering with unexplained devices. In the center of the laboratory a small device is levitating in midair, unsupported. It bears a small swastika emblem.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
The Vedic super-scientists, led by the anonymous ruling council of technocrats called the Nine Unknown Ones, entered into bargains with alien beings, who they referred to as “Atlanteans,” for advanced technology! The swastika was originally their emblem to denote off-world technology!
5
3 - A view of aerial combat between clouds of flying
saucers. They blast at each other with beam weapons. Silent explosions fill the air.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
But relations soon soured as the Vedic Empire realized that the aliens intended to conquer the Earth themselves! All-out war between the two advanced cultures was the result!
4 - Distance shot of the Moon in the night sky. A gigantic
flash of light is visible across a third of its visible surface.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
Finally, the Vedic saucer fleets managed to destroy the Atlantean advance base on the Moon, which had been their staging area for the Earth takeover! The characteristic lunar mares are the visible scars of their attack!
5 - Shot of a mushroom cloud as the city of Mohenjo-Daro is
brutally nuked from orbit!
KIMOKO [voice-over]
In retaliation, the Atlantean aliens destroyed Mohenjo-Daro with thermonuclear weapons! The Vedic Empire lay in ruins!
6 - Distance shot of a futuristic citadel, in the Antarctic
wastes, almost swallowed by the flying snow and howling winds.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
A cache of advanced Vedic weaponry was preserved in the wastelands of Antarctica! Discovered by a German expedition in the 1930’s, the Nazis exploited its stash of advanced technology in order to create advanced weaponry for the War! Afterwards, the
6 remnants of the various “Fourth Reich” movements, the Werewolves and the Odessa, headed south, hoping to regroup at the lost base! Many of them only got as far as Argentina, thanks to the diligent efforts of Israeli agents!
Page 5
FOUR PANELS
1 - Back in non-sepia real time, we see a close-up shot of
KIMOKO’S index finger stabbing at a map of Antarctica spread on the conference table. A mountain range is indicated.
KIMOKO [off-panel]
And, thanks to our interrogations of captured Black Ocean Society members, we now know the location of that secret Vedic base! Here - in the Executive Committee Range!
MATCHMAN [off-panel]
Mother of mayonnaise! That’s got to be it!
2 - All eyes are on MATCHMAN as he rises from the
conference table and slams a closed fist down into the open palm of his other hand in a classic gesture.
MATCHMAN
WILHELMINA VON KENYA is headed for that base! There must be some way of contacting the giant stealth frisbee from there! We’ve got to head her off at the pass, team! The security of the Earth depends upon it!
3 - The conference room bursts into a flurry of activity,
as Z-GIRL and ARNIE run off to get equipped, and MATCHMAN, LANCE, and KIMOKO confer standing.
7 MATCHMAN
Z-GIRL! You and ARNIE go and get the cold weather kits! KIMOKO, may I presume that you will be joining us? Only you can guide us to that secret base!
KIMOKO
I’ll be happy to do what I can, MATCHMAN! I want to see this thing through to the bitter end!
LANCE
And I’ll stay behind to mind the store! Signal me if anything goes seriously haywire!
Z-GIRL AND ARNIE [in unison]
Right, boss!
4 - Posed tableau of MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL, ARNIE and KIMOKO in
full battle gear. They look awesomely effective. MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL are in their usual costumes, while ARNIE and KIMOKO are in cold-weather outfits with parkas and boots, all in a black-and-white Arctic camouflage pattern. ARNIE has his swords out, while KIMOKO sports a mini-Uzi submachine gun. They all look out for blood and fit to kill. A sort of directionless light creates a halo around them from behind and blurs out their background. Very stylized.
MATCHMAN
All right, folks! Time to make the doughnuts!
Page 6
THREE PANELS
1 - Wide panoramic shot of a monotonously white Antarctic
landscape. It is painfully sunlit. In the distance loom the peaks of the Executive Committee range. In the foreground, trekking across the white expanse, are two small black dots, which are, of course, WILHELMINA VON KENYA and her
8 pet flying dachshund, SCHLINKENHAMMER. The dots are talking.
WIHELMINA VON KENYA
It is near, mein liebchen! The sensors detect an abundance of energy!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Danke Gott!
CAPTION
Meanwhile...Antarctica! Somewhere in the foothills of the Executive Committee Range!
2 - Closer in, we see WILHELMINA VON KENYA standing in the
snow, dismounted from some sort of tractor-motorcycle device upon which she has ridden to get to this point in the wilderness. She is her usual unusual Reinhard Heydrich / Grace Jones self. She is wearing a black Nazi-style cold weather snowsuit with parka, with an SS officer’s hat, a swastika armband, and big boots and gloves. She has a fur-lined hood on the parka. She is wearing opaque black sun goggles over her eyes, making her look even cooler than she usually does, if that is indeed possible. (Obviously she has eschewed the benefits of camouflage for the benefits of fascist fashion.) Near her, in midair, hovers the flying dachshund SCHLINKENHAMMER. He is wearing a sort of plastic exoskeleton for warmth, leaving his wings free so that he can fly. A small gun turret sits upon the middle of his back, with a little machine-gun muzzle sticking out of it. He is wearing a little helmet, with aviator-style goggles. He looks adorable despite his martial décor. WILHELMINA is holding some sort of scanning device in her hands. She is using it to locate the hidden door of the secret base.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Another few minutes and I would have been eine kleine Schlinksicle!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Silence, pickle! Mommy must concentrate!
9 SOUND F/X
Breeeeeooooooeeeeeooooooodeetdeetdeet!
3 - Suddenly, a secret door slides open in the snow-dusted
rock face before them. WILHELMINA smiles triumphantly.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Aha! And there it is! Come, SCHLINK! Global domination awaits!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
The world is our squeaky toy, mein Fuehrerin!
SOUND F/X
Shoonk!
Page 7
FOUR PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA and SCHLINKENHAMMER stroll and
flutter, respectively, along a wide, disused hall lined with ancient machinery. View from above.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
This is it, SCHLINK! The ultimate repository of Aryan superscience from beyond the stars!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Isn’t that a song?
2 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA and SCHLINKENHAMMER enter through
another doorway and begin to descend a long metal staircase along one wall of a room resembling a subterranean hangar of some sort. Everything about their surroundings should have that archaic alien flavor to it, Rann-style. (Note that WILHELMINA keeps her snow goggles on throughout the entire comic, so that we never see her eyes.)
10 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Perhaps but doubtful, my little pot pie! But if you will hum a few bars, soon I will no longer have to fake it!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
I take it, then, that we are approaching the means by which we may at last board the nuclear fris - ah, I mean the nuclear-armed stealth saucer?
3 - The diabolical duo approach a broad corner of the
hangar bay, in which there sits a large, dusty control console, a strange electronic display map of the Earth’s surface, and a mysterious raised dais on the floor nearby. (This latter is the teleportation surface to the stealth saucer, as will be seen later.) There is a dot on the electronic display, dimly functional after all these years, that indicates the position of the saucer. It is near Vancouver in the Northern Hemisphere.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
But of course! See for yourself, my little chocolate-covered nougat!
SCHLINKENHAMMER [doing double-take]
But it’s so far away! What on earth did you just call me?!?
4 - Close-up of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S gloved hand pressing
a dusty button.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
But not for long! We shall call to it, like so! Ha! Punkt!
SCHLINKENHAMMER [off-panel]
11 Hrmf! “Nougat!”
SOUND F/X
Klik!
Page 8
FIVE PANELS
1 - Picture of the Stealth Saucer in the upper atmosphere,
so high that we can see the curve of the horizon. Silhouetted against the stars, it is faintly menacing. It’s round, and matte black in color, like a B-2 bomber (the color, not the shape).
CAPTION
High above the Earth’s surface, at the very edge of the stratosphere, the Stealth Saucer lurks...awaiting orders!
2 - Lights flicker across the surface of the awaiting
Saucer as the signal hits home!
CAPTION
Finally, after many decades, the signal has arrived!
3 - Image of the Saucer zooming through the upper
atmosphere at supersonic speeds, heading south towards Antarctica. Below the outlines of continents can be dimly seen.
CAPTION
Faster than one can say “MACH 5”...
4 - Back at the ancient control panel, WILHELMINA VON KENYA
throws her gloved hands into the air in triumph as the light on the screen moves toward her current location.
12 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
And here it comes! We must position the Stealth Saucer in geosynchronous parking orbit directly above the ozone hole, as the ancient Vedic technocrats once did - otherwise the teleportation beam will be inadvertently scrambled by the natural action of the atmosphere!
CAPTION
...It arrives at its ultimate destination!
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA delicately manipulates the
controls at the panel as the nearby teleportation dais begins to glow with pulsing concentric rings of strangely-colored energy.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Hmmm-hmm-hmmmm...and there we are! The teleportation system is warming up, nicht wahr? Almost there, mein pickle!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
I’m glad something is at last warming up! I hope the Stealth Saucer has climate control!
Page 9
SIX PANELS
1 - Long-distance shot of some spectacular Antarctic
scenery once again, with the peaks of the Executive Committee Range in the far distance. Miniscule at this scale, MATCHMAN streaks across the desolate white wilderness. It’s hard to see at this point, but he’s carrying ARNIE on his back as he flies. Next to him, Z-GIRL barrels along, with KIMOKO on her back. The speeds involved are extreme. The soundtrack for this part of the comic script is brought to you by Miles Davis - his inimitable Agharta live set from 1975.
13 CAPTION
Unbeknownst to our gloating villains...
2 - Close-up of MATCHMAN as he flies along with grim
determination, ARNIE clinging desperately to his back at the high speeds involved. ARNIE looks a little airsick.
MATCHMAN [thinks]
We’ve got to hurry! It may already be too late! The nuclear integrity of the entire planet is at stake!
CAPTION
...It is about to get very hot indeed for them all too soon!
3 - Next to MATCHMAN, his sidekick Z-GIRL maintains her
cruising altitude, with KIMOKO hanging on like grim death, squinting her eyes against the significant slipstream generated by their swift tandem passage through the cold sky.
Z-GIRL [thinks]
Soon I’ll finally be able to confront this madwoman VON KENYA that I’ve heard so much about over the past few weeks! I hope that I’m up to the task of taking her down once and for all!
4 - Close-up of KIMOKO’S pensive face as she ponders en
route.
KIMOKO [thinks]
There is a distinct species of austere beauty resident in the stark terrain that unfolds beneath us!
5 - Close-up of ARNIE. His two ninja swords are in sheaths
worn criss-cross style across his back. He looks very, very airsick.
14 ARNIE [thinks]
Getting...airsick! Musn’t...toss...cookies!
6 - Against yet another soaring Antarctic landscape, our
heroes race onward against time in order to save the day! This shot, too, is at long distance, to emphasize the dominance of the inhospitable climate and the remoteness and exoticism of the location.
CAPTION
And the world shall hold its breath!
Page 10
EIGHT PANELS
1 - In the first of this sequence of tight little panels
intended to denote running action, we see WILHELMINA VON KENYA and SCHLINKENHAMMER regarding the pulsing teleportation dais with something resembling amoral satisfaction. WILHELMINA has her fingers steepled in anticipation.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Tum tee tum...Jederzeit!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Ja!
2 - Our heroes land outside the entrance to the secret
tunnel leading to the underground hangar area!
Z-GIRL
That’s gotta be it!
MATCHMAN
Indubitably so, my faithful sidekick!
15
3 - As MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL hit the ground running, ARNIE
and KIMOKO tumble gracefully from their backs and flip upright into full combat pose - ARNIE with his swords out and ready, and KIMOKO with her mini-Uzi ready to unleash full auto devastation at the pull of the trigger. They look bad.
4 - All four of our heroes charge into the gaping tunnel,
primed for action!
5 - First-hand view of the dimly-lit tunnel unreeling
before our protagonists’ eyes. Lines indicate speed.
6 - At the end of the murky tunnel, a weak light grows
stronger!
7 - Finally, the viewer sees, below the metal staircase
that descends the wall, below in a corner of the hangar floor, WILHELMINA and SCHLINK waiting patiently for the glowing dais to reach full power. They are oblivious to their current dilemma.
8 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S furious face fills the final
panel, as she turns in acid astonishment to recognize her ambush!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
What?!? Nein! It cannot be! You! Here?!? Now?!?
Page 11
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - Great big splash panel of the combat-to-be in the
capacious hangar bay. As the teleportation dais pulsates, SCHLINKENHAMMER flies into the air, preparing to strafe with his backpack-gun, while WILHELMINA VON KENYA whips a strange-looking alien device from the depths of her parka which is instantly recognizeable as a gun of some kind. Her face is twisted with succelent rage and sexy hate. MATCHMAN hurls himself over the banister of the metal staircase directly at her, head-first. Z-GIRL hurdles the banister herself with ease. ARNIE is poised sliding down the stair
16 handrail, striking a classic ninja pose with both swords at the ready. KIMOKO is coming through the door behind them with her micro-Uzi at port arms, striking a sensuous pose of her own. Mayhem is obviously about to ensue.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Damn you to hell, MATCHMAN! At them, SCHLINK! Schnell!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Zu befehlt, mein Fuehrerin!
MATCHMAN
Give it up, VON KENYA! Your twisted Nazi scheme is finished!
Z-GIRL
Right behind ya, big guy!
ARNIE
Homey don’t play that! Not even on holidays!
KIMOKO
Stop them! They’ve activated the access device for the Stealth Saucer!
Page 12
FOUR PANELS
1 - In this panel we view things from SCHLINKENHAMMER’S
perspective as he flies in towards ARNIE sliding down the stair railing, his backpack gun blazing away with strafing fire.
SCHLINKENHAMMER [thinks voice-over]
I am the Red Baron!
17 SOUND F/X
Chud! Chud! Chud! Chud!
2 - SCHLINK guns in on ARNIE from a more conventional
action viewpoint, as the latter frantically turns artistic ninja backflips and handsprings in order to dodge the hail of bullets laid down by SCHLINK’S little autocannon! Slugs ricochet off the walls and the stairs and the floor.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Obey the dachshund!
ARNIE
Bite my chunk!
SOUND F/X
Budda budda budda patow twee pa-ting pow!
3 - From a medium distance viewpoint, WILHELMINA VON KENYA
launches a tremendous bolt of energy from her alien hand weapon into the staircase and its vicinity, wiping it out in a tremendous blast. MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL dodge the bolt in mid-air, and KIMOKO ducks back into the doorway as she lays down some suppressing fire with her Uzi, and SCHLINK is unharmed as he takes evasive action, but poor ARNIE is tossed about by the concussion like a rag doll. He goes flying through the air.
WIHLHELMINA VON KENYA
Fools! You shall never stop WILHELMINA VON KENYA from reaching her objective!
MATCHMAN
You know, it really gripes me when the bad guys refer to themselves in the third person!
Z-GIRL
I know what you mean!
18 KIMOKO
Ohmigod! ARNIE! Look out!
ARNIE
Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SOUND F/X
Zeeeeeeeram! BAWHOOM!
4 - ARNIE hits the ground, hard, like a sack of damp
concrete mix. He’s out cold. The others are, to say the least, concerned for his well-being.
KIMOKO [off-panel]
Holy Amaterasu! She nailed ARNIE! Somebody see if he’s O.K.!
MATCHMAN
There’s no time! We have to keep that black leather piranha from boarding the secret nuclear frisbee!
Z-GIRL
He means the Stealth Saucer!
ARNIE
Unnnnnnnh!
SOUND F/X
Whammm!
19
Page 13
THREE PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA and SCHLINKENHAMMER jointly vault
and fly onto the teleportation dais, where they immediately half-vanish into a flash of brilliant white light.
Z-GIRL [off-panel]
MATCHMAN! They’re getting away!
SOUND F/X
Vowm!
2 - MATCHMAN flies toward the dais himself, as Z-GIRL
remonstrates behind him, her hand stretched out imploringly.
MATCHMAN
Not on my watch!
Z-GIRL
No! Wait! We’re coming...
3 - MATCHMAN himself half-vanishes into a flash of
brilliant white light.
SOUND F/X
Vowm!
CAPTION
“...With you.”
Page 14
FOUR PANELS
20
1 - MATCHMAN stands on the teleportation dais’s
counterpart, in the central control chamber of the Stealth Saucer. It is circular (of course), and ringed by a row of large round windows midway up its domed ceiling. Electric lights are also in evidence. Numerous mysterious control surfaces are dotted around its periphery. The overall décor is something like the first Death Star combined with the first issue of The Micronauts. MATCHMAN stands alert and ready to combat evil. There is an anticipatory silence.
CAPTION
“Oh, my sweet little cliché...”
2 - MATCHMAN ventures a cautious step off of the dais as ,
hidden from his sight in the viewer’s foreground, WILHELMINA VON KENYA, head off-panel, alien gun held in left hand, presses a button on a control panel with her right hand.
MATCHMAN
Um...guten tag?
CAPTION
“...How long have I waited for this moment?”
SOUND F/X
Klik!
3 - This entire panel contains the white silhouette of
MATCHMAN writhing in agony against a black background streaked with bolts of energy, as he is zapped by the strange booby-trap and it does something awful to him (it drains his powers, perhaps for good).
MATCHMAN
Yeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!
SOUND F/X
Sheeeeeeeerrraaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkk!
21
4 - Simultaneously in New York City, in a gloomy hospital
room at night in Mount Sinai Hospital, DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE sits bolt upright, shocked out of her lingering coma, with a scream that would wake the dead. SUZANNE GRACE, who had been dozing in a chair beside her bed, wakes up as well.
DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE
MATCHMAN! Noooooooooooooooo!
SUZANNE GRACE
What the - !? RHODA! You’re awake! How - ?!?
CAPTION
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in a New York City hospital, a strange synchronicity reveals itself abruptly!
Page 15
FIVE PANELS
1 - A drained MATCHMAN slowly and painfully gets to his
feet, as WILHELMINA VON KENYA stands over him, gloating. All we really see of her are her legs in this shot - and her hands on her hips, arms akimbo.
MATCHMAN [gaspingly]
It will take more than that!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Yes, I’m sure you’re right!
2 - MATCHMAN throws a feeble punch at WILHELMINA VON KENYA,
who blocks it easily, almost contemptuously.
MATCHMAN
Urrrfff!
22 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
In fact...
SOUND F/X
Smack!
3 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA pushes our hero away, and he
staggers back, somehow managing to stay on his feet. It is as though he were punch-drunk, and she were playing some cultured Mitteleuropaischer rope-a-dope with him.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [clearly enjoying herself]
...I’m looking forward to it!
4 - MATCHMAN braces himself on a nearby wall, while
WILHELMINA takes her time, stalking toward him, savoring the blow that is imminent.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
To coin a phrase, mein freund: “Marvelous Matchpowers...”
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA knocks MATCHMAN out cold and sends
him flying like a bag of manure heaved off of a fertilizer truck with an epic flying roundhouse circle kick to the jaw with one of her big heavy boots.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
“...Deactivate!”
MATCHMAN
Unnnnh!
SOUND F/X
Kawham!
23
Page 16
SIX PANELS
1 - Z-GIRL and KIMOKO materialize on the teleportation dais
within the Stealth Saucer. Z-GIRL is in a wary action pose, and KIMOKO has her submachinegun at the ready. Our heroines are greeted with an ominous silence.
Z-GIRL
I wish he wouldn’t always just barge on in like that! It’s going to get him killed one of these days!
KIMOKO
I don’t like the looks of this!
2 - From their viewpoint, we advance cautiously to see,
past some intervening apparatus, what appears to be a small dachshund with wings and a plastic thermal exoskeleton - oh, and flight goggles - dancing awkwardly on one of the horizontal control surfaces of the Stealth Saucer in what appears to be an attempt to pilot the craft. (If this weren’t MATCHMAN COMICS, folks, we wouldn’t believe our eyes.) Colored lights flash on the control panel. A voice rings out, as KIMOKO levels her Uzi at SCHLINK in the foreground.
KIMOKO [voice-over]
Freeze, dachshund!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
There will be no freezing, I think!
3 - KIMOKO and Z-GIRL whirl about in dismay as, behind
them, WILHELMINA VON KENYA steps from the rear shadows of the gloomy control chamber with the limp body of an unconscious MATCHMAN tucked securely under her left arm, as her right hand holds her alien pistol securely against his
24 temple. She is smiling from ear to ear, and not a very nice smile, either. The limited light dances on her snow goggles.
Z-GIRL [horrified]
MATCHMAN!
KIMOKO
VON KENYA!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Naturally you are both correct! Now, you will put down your weapons and back away from the control panel, or must I begin to make the obvious threats, hmmm?
4 - Separate shot of SCHLINKENHAMMER still dancing on the
control panel. He looks a bit put out at the menial labor - probably because he doesn’t have manipulable digits.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
Steady as she goes, SCHLINK!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Aye aye, meine flugmeisterin! One vector for New York City, coming right up! Oh, and the thermouclear warheads are armed and ready!
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA advances slightly, menacing
MATCHMAN with her pistol as KIMOKO puts her Uzi carefully on the deck at her feet and Z-GIRL backs away slowly, hands held up before her. She appears tense and worried - as who wouldn’t, given the situation?
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
That’s it! Back away, please! If anyone should lay a finger on my little Wurstl, I could not be held responsible for my actions!
25 Z-GIRL
I swear to God, lady, if you’ve hurt him, you are going to pay dearly! And your little dog, too!
KIMOKO
You’re not seriously going to incinerate New York, are you? Why? What will that accomplish?
6 - Close-up of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S cruelly beautiful
face as she laughs diabolically. Grace Jones lives!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Have you never heard of art for art’s sake? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Page 17
EIGHT PANELS
1 - This page is composed of eight small panels, with
minimal dialogue, in order to convey a sense of accelerating action. The first panel shows a shadowy form lurking, well, in the shadows behind WILHELMINA VON KENYA as she laughs before her horrified prisoners. It is not readily apparent that this shadow is in fact ARNIE, doing his ninja thing.
2 - Z-GIRL and KIMOKO whisper together in close-up.
Z-GIRL [whispering]
Notice how she adores that dog, but has zero qualms about nuking eight million people?
KIMOKO [whispering]
Hitler had a German shepherd named Blondi!
26 WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
Silence!
3 - SCHLINKENHAMMER works away at the control panel. His
right front paw comes down on a big red button.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
There! I think that’s the afterburners! Either that, or the air conditioning! We shall see!
4 - ARNIE maneuvers in the shadows, drawing within arm’s
reach of a preoccupied SCHLINK without anyone noticing that he is even there. (A good ninja is hard to find, to paraphrase Flannery O’Connor.)
ARNIE [thinks]
Time to rock this like three the hard way!
5 - SCHLINK hammers on the control panel, oblivious.
ARNIE’S black-gloved hands creep closer and closer.
6 - Suddenly, ARNIE seizes an astonished SCHLINK by the
neck. He lifts him clear of the control panel.
ARNIE
Tha N.Y.C. ain’t goin’ out like that, beeyatch!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Ulk!
7 - ARNIE holds his captive up in triumph as WILHELMINA
whirls around and her eyes go wide with surprise and rage at what she is seeing. She lets MATCHMAN’S limp body drop. Unnoticed now, KIMOKO begins to edge toward her Uzi on the floor.
27 ARNIE
You know how we play this game! Step off, VON KENYA, or the Hebrew National salami here gets it!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [unpleasantly astonished]
What?!? Of all the impudence!
8 - With the look of a cold-blooded killer in the lines of
her face, WILHELMINA VON KENYA levels her alien blaster pistol at ARNIE in a tight close-up.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
How dare you lay a hand on my SCHLINKUMS?!? DIE!!!
Page 18
TEN SMALL PANELS
1 - This page is pure, unadulterated, uncut action.
Everyone is in motion. The first panel has WILHELMINA VON KENYA unleashing a bolt of alien energy which demolishes the control panel as ARNIE, with SCHLINKENHAMMER still in hand, leaps aside.
SOUND F/X
Zeeeeram!
2 - WILHELMINA runs forward, firing wildly. ARNIE dodges
and unsheathes a sword with his free hand. Z-GIRL lunges forward. KIMOKO dives for her Uzi on the floor. MATCHMAN lies there, unconscious.
SOUND F/X
Zeeram! Zeeram! Shashang!
3 - Short-circuiting arcs of electricity cross the control
room. WILHELMINA uses her pistol to block an overhead sword
28 chop from ARNIE, who inadvertently drops SCHLINK to use both hands. KIMOKO reaches her gun. Z-GIRL reaches for WILHELMINA from behind.
SOUND F/X
Frrzap! Zzzzt! Klang! Zort!
4 - WILHELMINA whips Z-GIRL over her head, sending her
crashing into ARNIE, who staggers back. KIMOKO unleashes a burst from her submachine gun, which misses everyone. SCHLINKENHAMMER regains his bearing woozily in mid-air.
SOUND F/X
Wham! Ratatatatatatata! Bzing! Tink! Ping! Etc.
5 - Suddenly, something malfunctions in the depths of the
Stealth Saucer! The entire control room is bathed in a mysterious radiation. This panels shows everyone posed as though in agony, in silhouette, white on black. Strange alien energies arc through the air of the chamber, affecting everyone within it.
6 - Close-up of Z-GIRL’S head in silhouette, white on a
black background, as she is irradiated.
SOUND F/X
Vowm!
7 - Close-up of KIMOKO’S head in silhouette, white on a
black background, as she is irradiated.
SOUND F/X
Vowm!
8 - Close-up of ARNIE’S head in silhouette, white on a
black background, as he is irradiated.
SOUND F/X
Vowm!
9 - Close-up of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S head in silhouette,
white on a black background, as she is irradiated.
29 SOUND F/X
Vowm!
10 - Suddenly, the strange arcs of radiation are gone, and
everyone staggers dazedly in place for a moment. (A faint smell of ozone is in the air, but of course this is virtually impossible to depict in a visual medium.)
Page 19
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - With a massive shrieking, tearing sound, a gigantic
hole is ripped in the side of the control chamber as the fabric of the Stealth Saucer gives way. MATCHMAN, KIMOKO, ARNIE and SCHLINKENHAMMER are sucked away by the draft and appear in the process of exiting the Saucer in this manner. WILHELMINA VON KENYA clings desperately to an available piece of machinery, and stretches her right hand out imploringly to SCHLINK. Z-GIRL reacts by starting towards the hole in the hull and those unlucky enough to be sucked through it.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
SCHLINK! No! Come back to me!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Hoch himmel!
ARNIE
Whoaaaaaah!
KIMOKO
Aaaiiiiiieeeeeee!
Z-GIRL
What the - ?!? Mother of mayonnaise!
30 SOUND F/X
SKEEEEEEEEEEERUNCH!
Page 20
THREE PANELS
1 - Z-GIRL flies swiftly out into the open air and manages
to snag both ARNIE and MATCHMAN’S limp unconscious body before they plummet to their doom.
Z-GIRL [thinks]
Great - MATCHMAN’S out cold, and ARNIE can’t fly! At least I managed to catch them in time!
ARNIE
Thanks, Z! But what about -
2 - Z-GIRL looks on, horrified, her hands full, as KIMOKO,
in the near distance and far below her, plummets to her apparent demise at thirty-two feet per second!
Z-GIRL
KIMOKO! Nooooooooooooo!
KIMOKO [faintly]
Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
3 - Distance view of KIMOKO hitting the snowy ground hard
at high speed. A cloud of snow puffs up. In all respects it appears from a distance as though a small meteor had struck the landscape.
SOUND F/X
Whump!
31
Page 21
THREE PANELS
1 - This page is divided into three vertical panels just
like the first page. The first vertical panel, left to right, shows a frantic WILHELMINA VON KENYA as she staggers to the control panel in her attempts to right the Saucer, which is heading rapidly for a collision with the ground.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
No! NO! I will not allow this to happen!
SOUND F/X [loud]
Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
2 - In a closer shot, we see a WILHELMINA VON KENYA almost
slavering at the mouth in her disgust over the situation (and not the least over what it reveals about her own personal weaknesses) dances her hands frantically over the smoking, short-circuiting control panel as the sound of imminent death grows louder.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
No one but I dare control the otherworld technology of Ultima Thule!
SOUND F/X [louder]
ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
3 - Close-up of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S raging face as the
Stealth Saucer enters upon its final dive.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA [megalomaniacal]
I AM THE EMPRESS OF ALL CREATION!
32 SOUND F/X [loudest]
ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE -- !
Page 22
FOUR PANELS
1 - Long distance shot of a tremendous explosion as the
Stealth Saucer crashes in a ball of fire out in the snow-covered peaks of the Executive Committee Range.
SOUND F/X
Ka-whooooooom!
2 - Z-GIRL alights upon the snow-covered ground, bringing
ARNIE and MATCHMAN’S limp body safely to terra firma. Z-GIRL is in an agitated hurry, wishing to assist KIMOKO (or what’s left of her) as soon as possible.
ARNIE
Man, did you see that sucker hit? I bet that Nazi freak is scattered across four area codes by now!
Z-GIRL
There are no area codes in Antarctica! And besides, I’m more worried about KIMOKO! You stay here with the boss - I’m gonna see if there’s anything left of her to take home with us! She hit pretty hard!
3 - Medium-distance shot of an impact crater, not unlike
that of a small meteor. KIMOKO is sitting up, dizzily, in the center of it. Z-GIRL runs down to her, astonished that she is still alive and in one piece.
KIMOKO
Wh-wh-what happened? I was falling and I - how am I still alive?
33 Z-GIRL
Good question, girlfriend!
4 - KIMOKO and Z-GIRL stand side-by-side as KIMOKO examines
herself, trying to determine the cause of her mysterious survival. She makes a deduction based upon evidence.
KIMOKO
It must have that staccato burst of strange radiation that bathed the control room when the Saucer malfunctioned! It seems to have given me the ability to render myself invulnerable by raising my internal density at will!
Z-GIRL
But - but we were all in the control room! Lemme see if I can do anything new and exciting!
Page 23
FOUR PANELS
1 - Z-GIRL excitedly blasts shafts of lightning from her
poised gloved hands off into the distance. She is as happy as the proverbial clam to discover that she is now indeed a “real” super-heroine. KIMOKO watches in admiration.
Z-GIRL
Yeah! Check it out! Lightning blasts! I was hoping for something more in the heat-rays-from-the-eyes line, but this’ll do! Sweet!
2 - Z-GIRL and KIMOKO hurry back to where ARNIE is standing
guard at the lip of the impact crater over the still-limp body of MATCHMAN.
Z-GIRL
34 Hey, ARNIE! We just discovered that the Saucer’s radiation has just given us real super powers! Cool, huh?
KIMOKO
Yeah, try a few moves or something and see if anything extraordinary has been given to you!
ARNIE
Well, O.K. - but you guys might want to have a look at MATCHMAN here! I think he’s freezing! He doesn’t seem to have any of his own powers anymore!
3 - The concerned trio of newly-minted super-heroes lean
down over him, as MATCHMAN groggily comes to!
MATCHMAN
What? Where? Oh - Z-GIRL! And your friends, of course! But what happened? Is this still Antarctica? Did we take care of VON KENYA? And why am I so cold? I feel - weak!
Z-GIRL
Easy there, boss! We’ll get you home safe!
KIMOKO
We think perhaps that as her last desperate act VON KENYA drained your powers, MATCHMAN!
ARNIE
Yeah, and gave ‘em to us. Like - whoah!
4 - ARNIE zooms off for the horizon, inadvertently. It
appears that he has been gifted with super speed, much like Quicksilver, the Flash, or any one of a number of similar comic book heroes. Any Professor Zoom fans in the house?
Z-GIRL
Looks like he got the super-speed!
35 KIMOKO
Uh-huh! There goes the neighborhood!
MATCHMAN
Kids today!
Page 24
THREE PANELS
1 - An aerial view of ARNIE returning to the other three of
our heroes at super speed. Above the group on the ground, a livid SCHLINKENHAMMER sails off into the wild blue yonder, vowing revenge at any price!
SCHLINKENHAMMER [thinks]
Fools! They think they have won! But they forgot one crucial element - the dachshund! I’ll be back! And when I arrive, I will bring her with me - wherever she may be!
2 - MATCHMAN huddles shivering with Z-GIRL’S cape draped
over his shoulders for a warming cloak as ARNIE, Z-GIRL and KIMOKO discuss the implications of their fateful discoveries.
MATCHMAN [teeth chattering]
Brrrrrrr!
ARNIE
Well, whaddaya know - super speed! I wonder if I can run over water - I could use a decent bagel! I’m starvin’ like a hostage here!
Z-GIRL
We’ve gotta get back somehow! MATCHMAN’S not gonna survive for very long in this kind of weather - not without his super immunity to climatic extremes!*
36 KIMOKO
You can still fly us to safety! And hey - did anybody see where that little dog went?
CAPTION
* See MATCHMAN Comics Number Ten, for another example! - Eds.
3 - All four of our protagonists stand, silhouetted
slightly against the reddening light of the setting sun, watching the black plumes of smoke well up miles away from the crash site of the Stealth Saucer in the mountains. It is a very artistically redeeming scene.
CAPTION
KIMOKO’S question remains unanswered in the gathering polar half-light!
THE END?
37