The Matchman
Page 1
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - The place is Israel; the time is dawn. Sunlight spills over a kibbutz
in the middle of the desert. Distance shot.
CAPTION
Fifty years ago, this portion of the Promised Land of Israel was stark desert!
2 - Panorama of kibbutz and its cultivated fields. A YOUNG WOMAN in a
paramilitary outfit hoes a row of peas near a hedge. She is very attractive, with long dark hair, large dark eyes and a deep tan.
CAPTION
Now, thanks to the labor of young volunteers on the kibbutzim collectives, the desert blooms once again!
3 - Suddenly the YOUNG WOMAN is grabbed by several sets of strong arms
reaching for her from the cover of the hedge. She screams. There is a look of alarm and fear on her face. Her eyes are wide.
YOUNG WOMAN
Eeeeeeeeeeeek!
CAPTION
In fact, here's a lovely example of -- whoa! What gives?
Page 2
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - The YOUNG WOMAN is thrown down in the dust in front of a viewscreen of
some sort by her brutish captors. Her captors are nondescript thugs who are all dressed in normal, albeit shabby, clothes.
YOUNG WOMAN
Ooof!
CAPTOR'S VOICE
[off-panel]
Here ya go, MEZUZAH! Another fine specimen! That completes the shipment!
SOUND F/X
Whump!
2 - MEZUZAH'S image appears on the viewscreen (apparently she can both see
and be seen through it). She is wearing a chadhouri (that's an Islamic woman's headdress) that hides her hair completely. She also wears a pair of sunglasses. She is wearing a slinky low-cut dress with thigh-high slits on either side, of a light blue color. From what we can see of her, she's quite pretty -- rather like Barbra Streisand circa 1974, but without the "A Star is Born" 'fro going on. If we could hear her voice, she would sound like Fran Drescher when she talks.
MEZUZAH
Nice work, fellas!
3 - MEZUZAH in profile. A close-up shot.
MEZUZAH
This little morsel will make some lonely rich guy back in Queens very happy! Add her to the shipment!
4 - The YOUNG WOMAN struggles to her feet but her arms are grabbed by
MEZUZAH'S goon squad.
YOUNG WOMAN
Wh-who are you? What do you intend to do with me? Where are you taking me?
MEZUZAH
[off-panel]
That's for us to know, sweetie...
5 - The goons stuff a gag in the YOUNG WOMAN'S mouth and slip a canvas bag
over her head as she struggles.
MEZUZAH
[off-panel]
...And you to find out! Ha ha ha ha!
6 - Some distance away from the spectacle of the kidnapping, Z-GIRL
reclines in the dunes of the desert. She is lowering a pair of field glasses from her eyes as she speaks into a communicator device. She is dressed in Israeli civilian mufti and wears a short black wig, which makes her look a bit like Fairuza Balk today.
Z-GIRL
Come in, VALCom Command! Come in, VALCom Command! This is Agent Z-23! The fox has grabbed the grapes! Repeat...
Page 3
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - Z-GIRL'S face appears on a monitor screen, as her voice issues from it.
Z-GIRL
[on monitor]
...The fox has grabbed the grapes! Over!
RHODA DENDRITE
[off-panel]
There she is, MATCHMAN...
2 - DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE and MATCHMAN are revealed standing in the main
computer room of VALentine Complex as they receive Z-GIRL'S report over the monitor.
RHODA DENDRITE
...Reporting right on schedule!
MATCHMAN
Looks like the deal's going down, DR. DENDRITE!
3 - RHODA DENDRITE leans forward and addresses Z-GIRL on the monitor as
MATCHMAN looms nearby.
RHODA DENDRITE
Ah, Z-GIRL, we're using a non-intercept channel! You can knock it off with the silly code names and phrases whenever you like!
MATCHMAN
Besides, the story of "The Fox and the Grapes" is from Aesop, not the Old Testament!
4 - SERGEANT STRIKER enters the VALCom control room at a dead run. He is
armed to the teeth and waving his matchstick hands in the air excitedly. Z- GIRL answers from the monitor simultaneously.
Z-GIRL
[off-panel]
Agent Z-23 to VALCom Command! Bite me, VALCom Command! Over!
SERGEANT STRIKER
LANCE is reporting from Queens! Is that Z-GIRL? Are we synchronized? It's coming down to the wire, people!
5 - SERGEANT STRIKER joins MATCHMAN and RHODA DENDRITE at the monitor
platform.
RHODA DENDRITE
Yes, SERGEANT, it's Z-GIRL, to the very second. What does LANCE have to report?
MATCHMAN
Did he locate the wife smugglers' secret directorial nexus out there in the wilds of Queens?
SERGEANT STRIKER
As a matter of fact, he has!
6 - Close-up of a computer monitor with a digital map of Queens
superimposed on it. A location is marked with an "X." SERGEANT STRIKER'S hand enters from off-panel and gestures at it.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
He's on-site as we speak! There it is, boys and girls -- the epicenter of this evil trade in nubile human flesh...
Page 4
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED IN HALF VERTICALLY. THE LEFT HALF IS ONE BIG PANEL. THE RIGHT HALF IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE STACKED VERTICALLY.
1 - Tall panel featuring the beautiful cityscape of Rego Park, Queens,
centered around the majestic Lefrak Tower, which is where MEZUZAH'S wife- smuggling ring has their headquarters, on the top floor. The sun is setting in the west.
CAPTION
...Rego Park!
2 - Shot of LANCE CORPOREAL on a rooftop across Queens Boulevard from the
Lefrak Tower. He is dressed in an all-black commando outfit, and has a crossbow (with scope) slung over his shoulder. He is observing the Tower through binoculars. He is speaking into a headset mike as he gives his report.
LANCE CORPOREAL
...And I've determined that the headquarters of the wife smugglers is on the uppermost floor of the Lefrak Tower!
3 - Close-up of LANCE CORPOREAL'S intense face.
LANCE CORPOREAL
As soon as night falls, I plan on executing a personal recon of the target area!
4 - Close-up shot of LANCE'S ear, as RHODA DENDRITE'S voice comes through
the communicator speaker.
RHODA DENDRITE
[off-panel]
Don't do it, LANCE! It's too dangerous! Wait for backup! MATCHMAN can be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail!
5 - Suddenly, a shadowy black arm reaches out and grabs LANCE around the
throat from behind. Other shadowy hands reach for him, as night falls. LANCE is taken by complete surprise.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Hah! They'll never see me coming! I have complete surprise on their -- what the?!?
THUG'S VOICE
[off-panel]
What have we here?
Page 5
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS.
1 - LANCE CORPOREAL, stripped of his accoutrements and naked to the waist,
is held by the arms by two big generic GOONS in street clothes...
GOON NUMBER ONE
Look who we found snoopin' around outside, boss!
GOON NUMBER TWO
He ain't talkin' much, neither!
LANCE CORPOREAL
You'll get nothing from me, you white slavers!
2 - ...As he is led before MEZUZAH, who is lounging in front of a working
fireplace, smoking a cigarette. MEZUZAH is still wearing her chadhouri and sunglasses and also still wearing that light blue slinky low-cut dress that accentuates her impressive figure.
MEZUZAH
Well, well -- if it isn't the illustrious LANCE CORPOREAL of VALentine Complex! As you can see, I've done my homework, MR.
CORPOREAL...
3 - Close-up of MEZUZAH'S lipsticked mouth as she pronounces sentence.
Smoke escapes sexily from between her lips.
MEZUZAH
...So I don't really need you for anything at all, do I?
4 - Wide-angle shot of the entire large room from above, with LANCE and the
two GOONS facing MEZUZAH as she reaches up to remove her glasses and headgear. A large display case with a glass front lurks along one wall. What it contains is not yet discernable.
MEZUZAH
You'll make a wonderful addition...
GOON NUMBER ONE
Ooh! Ooh! She's gonna do it! She's gonna do it!
GOON NUMBER TWO
Remember -- don't look! Don't look!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Do your worst, vile temptress!
5 - Close-up of LANCE CORPOREAL'S transfixed face. His eyes go blank as
MEZUZAH'S shadow falls over him. MEZUZAH'S shadow is oddly distorted -- it looks as though she has snakes for hair. A strange sound fills the air.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
CAPTION
How can this be? He's becoming (gasp)...
SOUND F/X
Voooooowwwwwwwwmmmmmmmm...
6 - Close-up of MEZUZAH'S shapely hand reaching for a LANCE CORPOREAL
action figure on the floor. It is a perfect replica of LANCE, in eight-inch action figure format -- he has been transformed bodily into an action figure!
MEZUZAH
[off-panel]
...To my collection! Ha ha ha ha!
CAPTION
...An action figure! (With all due apologies to Mark Leyner and his "Young Bergdorf Goodman Brown" in the collection Tooth Imprints on a Corn Dog.)
Page 6
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - MEZUZAH'S hands place the action figure of LANCE CORPOREAL in the glass
display case, next to rows and rows of similar figures of people who have been turned into action figures.
MEZUZAH
[off-panel]
There you go, my little tchotchke...
CAPTION
Collected! The crowning indignity!
2 - MEZUZAH closes the glass doors of the display case with a muted slam as
she chortles. She has her sunglasses and chadhouri back on again.
MEZUZAH
...Snug as a bug in a rug!
CAPTION
But is he "mint?"
3 - Cut to the VALentine Complex computer room, where SERGEANT STRIKER is
seen slamming his hands against the console as he stares in disbelief at a screen.
SERGEANT STRIKER
This can't be! His transmitter signal's been cut off! LANCE! LANCE! Talk to me, big guy! Talk to me!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, back at VALentine Complex...
4 - SERGEANT STRIKER turns to address MATCHMAN and RHODA DENDRITE, who are
standing nearby.
SERGEANT STRIKER
This is serious! We've lost contact with LANCE!
RHODA DENDRITE
Uh-oh! I hope he's all right!
MATCHMAN
He's a good man in a tight spot! But there's only one way to know for sure...
5 - Close-up on MATCHMAN'S determined face.
MATCHMAN
...We have to go in after him! It's about that time, Team! Let's do it!
6 - SERGEANT STRIKER hustles out of the room as RHODA DENDRITE turns to the
computers and MATCHMAN flings his arms wide in a theatrical manner, cape flying behind him.
MATCHMAN
Initiate Operation "Gefilte Force"! Everyone to battle stations! We'll show those self-styled "marriage brokers" they can't kidnap young women from Israel and sell them to the highest bidder on the streets of Queens!
SERGEANT STRIKER
Right! I'm off to Jamaica Bay to rendezvous with the police strike team!
RHODA DENDRITE
And I'll contact Z-GIRL in Israel to give her the "go" signal! She and Mossad should be able to take care of the Negev end of the pipeline!
Page 7
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS.
1 - Cut to the Atlantic coast, just off of Jamaica Bay, Queens. Nothing but
dark waves roll in the viewfinder of a pair of night vision goggles. It is as though the reader were looking through the goggles themselves.
COP NUMBER ONE
[off-panel]
Anything yet? Are you sure the informant was telling the truth,
SERGEANT?
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
Positive! It's just a matter of time!
2 - In the viewfinder of the goggles, the silhouetted conning tower of a
submarine breaks the surface of the night waves.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
In fact, there she is now! Get your men ready, officer -- we want this to go off smooth as cream!
COP NUMBER ONE
[off-panel]
Roger that, SERGEANT! My men are already in position at the ambush point! There'll be no slip-ups!
3 - In a wide-angle panoramic shot, we see many generic thugs from
MEZUZAH'S slaving forces rowing inflatable dinghies laden with trussed-up beautiful young Israeli women from the submarine to a secluded beach on the shores of Jamaica Bay where they are greeted by more thugs who assist in unloading the cargo and herding the poor girls into trucks. A full moon gazes down on the beach. There is no sign of MEZUZAH, however.
CAPTION
Beneath the silvery light of an uncaring moon, the wife smugglers ply their infamous trade!
4 - Two THUGS row an inflatable dinghy piled high with trussed gagged
beautiful young brunette girls towards the moonlit beach.
THUG NUMBER ONE
Man, isn't this the life? If only my high school guidance counselor could see me now!
THUG NUMBER TWO
Yeah, but the retirement benefits suck!
5 - Suddenly, floodlights from off-panel illuminate the scene of a brawny
THUG heaving a trussed, gagged beautiful young brunette girl onto a waiting truck on the beach.
THUG
What the hey?
6 - Shot of lights bursting out of the darkness beyond the beach. The
reader is as if staring directly into the lights.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
Freeze, scumbags! Drop the merchandise!
Page 8
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - A line of grim S.W.A.T. team cops, armed to the teeth, with SERGEANT
STRIKER at the center of the line, stand along the upper edge of the dunes of the beach, flanked by floodlights. SERGEANT STRIKER points out at the reader as he shouts through an electronic bullhorn; in his other hand he holds a very large firearm.
SERGEANT STRIKER
This beach is surrounded! You are all under arrest! Throw down your weapons and prepare to meet your justice!
2 - Panorama of the beach, as, all along it, thugs throw down their
burdens, draw their weapons -- sub-machineguns, pistols, and knives -- and prepare for battle. They look pretty tough, for generic thugs with no special costumes or uniforms.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
If you resist it will go hard on you!
RANDOM THUG
(Snicker!)
ANOTHER RANDOM THUG
(Chortle!)
3 - Close-up of SERGEANT STRIKER and his bullhorn as he shouts the order to
charge.
SERGEANT STRIKER
O.K., if that's how you want to play it, that's how it's gonna be! All right, boys in blue -- chaaaaaaaaaarge!
Page 9
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO TWO PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - On the floodlit beach, SERGEANT STRIKER and the S.W.A.T. team, armed to
the teeth, attack the wife smuggling thugs with ferocity. Trussed girls run and fall and roll everywhere. Shots and screams tear through the night. It's total visual mayhem!
CAPTION
While SERGEANT STRIKER leads the charge on land...
2 - On the submarine offshore, police frogmen can be seen battling the
thugs left on board as sailors. Pistols fire and knives flash in the moonlight.
CAPTION
...Police frogmen overpower the smugglers left on board the submarine!
Page 10
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS.
1 - Cut to the VALentine Complex computer room again, where RHODA DENDRITE
and MATCHMAN await news of the operation's first phase. SERGEANT STRIKER'S voice comes crackling over an intercom.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
Come in, VALCom Command! Come in! STRIKER here!
RHODE DENDRITE
Go ahead, SERGEANT! We read you loud and clear!
MATCHMAN
How did everything go with the raid, SARGE?
2 - Close-up of a monitor with SERGEANT STRIKER'S wavy image on it. His
voice issues from the speaker.
SERGEANT STRIKER
Everything went A-O.K., MATCHY my boy! All of the smugglers were apprehended on the spot...
3 - RHODA DENDRITE and MATCHMAN lean over the computer monitor in rapt
attention.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[off-panel]
...And arrangements are being made to have their fair captives repatriated to Israel as we speak!
MATCHMAN
Excellent, SARGE! Well, DOCTOR DENDRITE, it looks like it's now time for phase two!
RHODA DENDRITE
Check! I'll contact Z-GIRL in Israel immediately!
4 - Cut to the Negev Desert in Israel. Z-GIRL speaks into her communicator.
She crouches behind a rock outcropping, short brunette wig on and wearing an Israeli army beret, in the midst of a squad of Mossad special forces soldiers armed to the teeth and camouflaged for desert combat. In the distance can be glimpsed the smugglers' tent camp.
Z-GIRL
This is Agent Z-23! I read you loud and clear, VALCom Command! Operation "Gefilte Force" is "go," I repeat, Operation "Gefilte Force" is "go!" Over and out!
RANDOM MOSSAD SOLDIER
[aside]
I thought go was a sort of Oriental board game?
5 - Z-GIRL prepares herself for the upcoming raid and chats with the MOSSAD
AGENT CAPTAIN as they too get ready for battle.
Z-GIRL
Be sure to convey the gratitude of the VALentine Complex Team to the Knesset for the temporary loan of your forces, CAPTAIN!
MOSSAD AGENT CAPTAIN
Please, Z-GIRL -- don't mention it! This is a matter that concerns all of us equally!
6 - Close-up of Z-GIRL and the MOSSAD AGENT CAPTAIN chatting.
MOSSAD AGENT CAPTAIN
It came as a surprise to my government when you presented proof of such nefarious goings-on among the kibbutzim here in the Negev!
Z-GIRL
Hopefully our attack will come as a complete surprise to the slave traders in return! When I think of all those young women they've abducted, it makes my blood boil!
Page 11
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED IN HALF HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER HALF IS ONE LARGE PANEL. THE LOWER HALF IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - Long panorama view of wife-smugglers' camp in the depths of the Negev
desert. There are many tents and camels and thugs carrying Galil assault rifles. Trussed-up, beautiful young brunette girls, of Israeli extraction, sit and lie everywhere. From the dunes surrounding the camp a shout rings out, as hordes of Mossad agents emerge from concealment and begin to advance.
Z-GIRL
[shouting off-panel]
All right, listen up, you primitive girl-kidnapping screwheads! As the great James Brown once sang...
2 - Close-up of a thug's astonished face, with some fear in it.
3 - Close-up of another thug's astonished face, this one nothing but pure
surprise.
4 - Close-up of a third thug's astonished face. This one is simply brimming
with brute tough-guy anger.
5 - Close-up of Z-GIRL'S face, in short brunette wig and Israeli army
beret. She is pointing a micro-Uzi straight at the reader's face.
Z-GIRL
...It's time for the big payback!
Page 12
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO TWO PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - This is the standard gigantic fight scene, as Z-GIRL and her Mossad
squad charge in and start busting up the wife-smuggling thugs with fists, knives and Uzi sub-machineguns.
CAPTION
Fun in the sun with guns!
2 - The Mossad agents and Z-GIRL mop up the remainder of the wife
smugglers. Z-GIRL is especially prominent in this panel, dark wig and all, as she wallops the local leader of the smugglers, a large man with a walrus moustache.
Z-GIRL
...That's for saying I look like Pat Benatar, you wife-smuggling cretin!
CAPTION
And before you can say "Hallelujah Chorus"...
Page 13
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - Cut back to the main computer room of VALentine Complex. Z-GIRL'S voice
comes in over the intercom reporting success in her end of the operation, as MATCHMAN and RHODA DENDRITE cheer. Their postures are indicative of jubilance.
Z-GIRL
Agent Z-23 to VALCom Command! Mission successful! I repeat, mission successful! Over and out!
MATCHMAN AND RHODA DENDRITE
[in unison]
Hooooraaaaaay!
CAPTION
...It's all over but the shouting!
2 - RHODA DENDRITE and MATCHMAN hug each other in triumph.
RHODA DENDRITE
That's two facets of the operation complete! All of the pieces are falling into place!
MATCHMAN
Right you are, DOCTOR! There remains but one task...
3 - MATCHMAN strides out of the computer room with a determined look on his
face. DOCTOR DENDRITE stares fondly after him as he departs, like an aunt after a wayward yet favored nephew.
MATCHMAN
...To confront MEZUZAH in person on her own turf! I must do this alone, of course -- super hero versus super villain! Obligations of the calling! I'm sure you understand!
RHODA DENDRITE
(Sigh.) All too well, MATCHMAN! All too well! Good luck!
4 - Exterior shot of Lefrak Tower at night. All the lights are on inside
the tall building, and the moon is full. MEZUZAH'S understandably enraged voice echoes from within the uppermost office suite.
MEZUZAH
[off-panel]
Of all the kishka-brained, incompetent, chuckleheaded nimrods!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, back at Lefrak Tower...
5 - Cut to the interior of MEZUZAH'S office. She's in a towering rage, as
she towers over her kneeling CHIEF MINION (a tall, skinny yet mean-looking thug in street clothes who wears an eye-patch), who is groveling before her on the floor in the hopes of igniting her nonexistent mercy.
MEZUZAH
How could you have let VALCom defeat you and your men? You gutless baboon!
CHIEF MINION
Please, mistress! Spare me! Mercy!
CAPTION
...MEZUZAH is not amused at the collapse of her criminal empire!
6 - MEZUZAH reaches up to take off her sunglasses. She is staring
malevolently at the CHIEF MINION, whose silhouetted head is in the foreground, its back to the reader.
MEZUZAH
There can be no mercy for the mediocre, stooge!
CHIEF MINION
No! Not that! Anything but that! Noooooo!
Page 14
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS.
1 - Suddenly, there's a knock at the office door. MEZUZAH turns around
immediately after taking off her shades. We see that her eyes are blank and filled with pools of crimson light. She is looking toward the door and the reader and away from her cowering CHIEF MINION, who is crawling on the rug and trying to hide his face from her transformative gaze.
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE
Mistress! Mistress!
MEZUZAH
What on earth could it possibly be now?!?
CHIEF MINION
(Whimper.) I don't wanna be an action figure!
SOUND F/X
Knock knock knock!
2 - MEZUZAH opens the door to the THUG who was knocking. She gazes directly
at him with her unsheathed eyes.
MEZUZAH
Whaddaya want, punk? I'm busy in here!
THUG
Mistress! Come quick! MATCHMAN has invaded the inner sanctum and we -- uh-oh.
3 - Close-up of the THUG as the action figure transformation process
envelops him. He screams loudly.
THUG
Noooooooooooooo!
SOUND F/X
Voooooooowwwwwwwwmmmmmmmm...
4 - MEZUZAH gazes bemusedly at the little action figure that was once her
THUG on the floor in front of her. She raises her hand to her mouth in her surprise.
MEZUZAH
Oops! My bad!
5 - Here we have a wide-angle shot of MATCHMAN bashing his way handily
through a small crowd of thugs in MEZUZAH'S outer office.
MATCHMAN
This is better than vaudeville!
ASSORTED THUGS
Stop him! Get him! Take that! Ouch! Urgh! Argh! Aaaaieee! Rush him, lads! etc.
SOUND F/X
Thak! Zop! Crunk! Wham! Chunk! Crunch! Pow! etc.
6 - MEZUZAH, her sunglasses back on, picks her CHIEF MINION up off the
carpet of her office and hustles him bodily out the office door to confront MATCHMAN in person.
MEZUZAH
You have one chance to redeem yourself in my eyes! Get out there and kick that MATCHMAN'S tuchus!
CHIEF MINION
(Gulp!) Ah, whatever you say, mistress!
SOUND F/X
[off-panel]
Wham! Slam! Kerthud! Crash! Krunk! etc.
7 - MEZUZAH and her CHIEF MINION are confronted abruptly by MATCHMAN'S
mighty bulk rising up imposingly before them, barring the way and partially blocking the reader's view of the villains.
MATCHMAN
Hold it right there, miscreants!
MEZUZAH
MATCHMAN! So you've arrived for me at last!
CHIEF MINION
[in abject terror]
(Meep!) T-this is g-going to get worse b-before it g-gets b- better!
Page 15
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO THIRDS. THE UPPER AND LOWER THIRDS ARE ONE PANEL EACH, WHILE THE MIDDLE THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - The antechamber is strewn with the unconscious bodies of MEZUZAH'S
goons. MEZUZAH urges her fearful and outclassed CHIEF MINION across the floor to confront a self-confident MATCHMAN.
MEZUZAH
After him, you dolt! Or you're going home in a bubble pack!
CHIEF MINION
Ah, d-don't m-make me bust you up, M-MATCHMAN! I m-mean it!
MATCHMAN
Oh, so you want to play games, eh? I know -- let's play mah- jongg! My own special house rules! Ready? Begin!
2 - MATCHMAN slams the CHIEF MINION with a right to the jaw.
MATCHMAN
One bam!
SOUND F/X
Bam!
3 - MATCHMAN slams the CHIEF MINION with a left to the jaw.
MATCHMAN
Two crack!
SOUND F/X
Crack!
4 - MATCHMAN knocks out the CHIEF MINION with a mighty uppercut that
launches him off his feet.
MATCHMAN
Mah-jongg!
SOUND F/X
Jongg!
5 - MATCHMAN steps over the unconscious CHIEF MINION'S body and advances on
MEZUZAH, who steps back a pace and lifts her hand to her sunglasses. Wide- angle shot.
MATCHMAN
Game over, MEZUZAH! And guess what? You lose!
MEZUZAH
Au contraire, mon adversaire...
Page 16
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF VERTICAL PANELS THAT GROW WIDER FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, WITH THE WIDEST AT THE RIGHT MARGIN OF THE PAGE. THERE ARE FIVE VERTICAL PANELS IN ALL.
1 - Through these five vertical panels...
2 - ...MEZUZAH removes her sunglasses...
MEZUZAH
...Not only...
3 - ...And her chadhouri...
4 - ...To reveal that she is indeed a variety of medusa...
MEZUZAH
...Is the game not yet over...
5 - ...That turns people into action figures instead of stone! The snakes
on her head in place of hair hiss and writhe as she glares her crimson gaze directly at the reader in the right-hand panel. She also strikes a classically dramatic combat pose.
MEZUZAH
...But I just burned the rulebook! Ha ha ha ha!
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Mother of mayonnaise! A medusa!
Page 17
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO SIXTEEN PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - MATCHMAN turns his head, eyes tightly closed.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Can't look at her eyes or I'll turn to stone!
2 - MEZUZAH reaches into her bosom as she advances.
MEZUZAH
You know, it's interesting, really...
3 - MATCHMAN stumbles against the wall, eyes still tightly closed.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Have to buy myself some time!
4 - MEZUZAH pulls a small derringer-style automatic pistol out of the front
of her slinky dress. She has an evil smile on her face.
MEZUZAH
...There are many varieties of medusa!
5 - MATCHMAN turns and bumps face-first into the glass display cabinet in
which the action figure of LANCE CORPOREAL occupies a prominent place in the front row.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Sure thing, lady -- many varieties of -- urff!
SOUND F/X
Clunk!
6 - MEZUZAH works the slide of her small automatic pistol, making an
audible sound as she loads a bullet into the chamber.
MEZUZAH
Some turn people into life-size stone statues...
SOUND F/X
Chik-chak!
7 - MATCHMAN opens his eyes and sees the LANCE CORPOREAL figure in the case
immediately before him. He reels in shock.
MATCHMAN
What the -- gadzooks! LANCE!
8 - MEZUZAH aims the derringer pistol carefully at MATCHMAN'S back, right
between his shoulder blades. Her face reveals great concentration on her aim.
MEZUZAH
...I happen to turn people into miniature plastic statues -- in other words, action figures!
9 - MATCHMAN sees the reflection of MEZUZAH in the glass of the case before
him, as well as her pistol that she's pointing at his back.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Con funk shun! She's got a gun! Must... dodge... bullet!
10 - Close-up of MEZUZAH'S face as she pulls the trigger.
MEZUZAH
That is, when I can't just shoot them!
SOUND F/X
Clik!
11 - MATCHMAN dodges to the side as the bullet shatters the glass in the
display case. Action figures fly everywhere, including that of LANCE
CORPOREAL.
MATCHMAN
If you're going to turn me...
SOUND F/X
Blam! Kkkksssssssshhhhh!
12 - MATCHMAN tucks into a somersault and rolls across the floor towards
MEZUZAH as she fires at him some more, missing every shot.
MATCHMAN
...Into an action figure, MEZUZAH...
SOUND F/X
Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!
13 - MEZUZAH goes flying as MATCHMAN bowls her over. She holds onto her
derringer pistol, though.
MATCHMAN
...You'd better make damned sure that I have kung-fu grip!
MEZUZAH
Urk!
SOUND F/X
Ka-wham!
14 - With the time thus purchased, MATCHMAN reaches into a secret pocket of
his cape...
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Not a second to lose! Now where did I...
15 - ...And pulls out a pair of sunglasses...
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Aha! There they are!
16 - ...That he immediately puts on, smiling!
MATCHMAN
Marvelous Matchshades -- activate!
Page 18
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - MATCHMAN advances confidently towards MEZUZAH, his shades protecting
him from her gaze. She recoils from him in sudden fear.
MATCHMAN
Give it up, MEZUZAH! Your gaze has failed you!
MEZUZAH
No! This can't be! You're unaffected!
2 - MEZUZAH raises her derringer pistol and fires point-blank at MATCHMAN
as he advances. Luckily for him, she's out of ammunition.
MATCHMAN
You're also out of ammo! I counted the shots!
MEZUZAH
Oh, matzoh balls!
SOUND F/X
Click! Click! Click! Click!
3 - MEZUZAH throws the empty pistol at MATCHMAN, who raises an arm to
shield himself reflexively. The pistol hits him on the arm and falls to the floor.
MEZUZAH
Take that!
MATCHMAN
Ow!
SOUND F/X
Bonk!
4 - MEZUZAH turns and runs from the office suite, snaky hair yet uncovered.
MATCHMAN pursues her in haste.
MEZUZAH
Heavens to mergatroid! Exit, stage left!
MATCHMAN
You write your own material there, MEZUZAH?
5 - Long shot from above as MEZUZAH exits the ground floor of Lefrak Tower,
with MATCHMAN hot on her heels.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Throwing the pistol at me! How lame! The last act of a desperate woman!
6 - MATCHMAN pursues the fleeing MEZUZAH on foot through the nighttime
streets of Rego Park, Queens.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Hmmm ...She seems to be heading for Flushing Meadows/Corona Park! I hope no one's out taking the dog for a late walk!
7 - MEZUZAH runs into the old 1964 World's Fair grounds, with MATCHMAN
right behind her. The old Ford Pavilion looms nearby.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
She's heading into the old 1964 World's Fair grounds! Hey, it's the Ford Pavilion!
8 - MATCHMAN chases MEZUZAH across the highway overpass pedestrian bridge
in the midst of the old World's Fair grounds.
MATCHMAN
[thinks, or rather sings to himself]
"I wear my sunglasses at night..."
9 - MATCHMAN stands directly beneath the Unisphere (the large hollow
globelike sculpture that is the centerpiece of the old World's Fair grounds) and looks around, perplexed and scratching his head, having lost track of MEZUZAH, who is actually perched directly above him on the upper aluminum struts of the spherical sculpture, getting ready to jump down on her pursuer.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Now where'd that minx go?
Page 19
THIS PAGE IS ONE GIGANTIC SPLASH PANEL.
1 - In a magnificent posed action shot, we see MEZUZAH leaping down in
combat stance in midair from the top of the Unisphere in the middle of the moonlit World's Fair grounds towards MATCHMAN, who is on the ground and turning to face her assault. Her mouth is open in a battle cry, his mouth is open in reaction to semi-surprise at the ambush. The Unisphere itself is a perfect background to their action poses. MEZUZAH'S slinky dress is blown open by her leap, showing a great deal of a very sexy pair of legs. She is wearing high-heeled calf-high slim boots that match the color of her light blue dress.
CAPTION
And so, beneath the Unisphere, the final battle is joined!
Page 20
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THIRDS HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS.
1 - MEZUZAH is all over MATCHMAN, snarling and clawing at him. Her snakes
nip at his arms as her defends himself from her onslaught.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
She's gone completely meshugganah!
2 - MEZUZAH continues to attack MATCHMAN.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Uh-oh! She's going for my Matchshades -- trying to remove them! I'd better make this quick!
3 - Wide-angle shot of MATCHMAN detaching his cape, throwing it over
MEZUZAH'S head, and wrapping her upper body in it, effectively pinioning her arms and immobilizing her.
MATCHMAN
Sorry, MEZUZAH -- fun time's over! I'm taking you downtown!
MEZUZAH
Arrrgh! What the -- ?!?
4 - MATCHMAN sits on the helplessly kicking prone form of MEZUZAH, chin
cradled in his hands, waiting for her to settle down.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
It should only be a matter of time now! Villain Standard Exculpatory Remorse System in five... four... three... two...
MEZUZAH
Waaaaaaaahhhhh!
5 - MATCHMAN kneels next to MEZUZAH, who wails as she sits up in her
wrapping.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
...One! Right on schedule!
MEZUZAH
Waaaah! It's not fair! All I wanted was to be loved and appreciated for what I am! Waaaah!
Page 21
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - MATCHMAN and MEZUZAH sit side by side on the low rim of the turned-off
fountain at the base of the Unisphere. MATCHMAN listens to MEZUZAH recount her teenage tale of woe. MEZUZAH has her sunglasses back on, but not her chadhouri -- her hair hisses free. MATCHMAN still wears his Matchshades.
MATCHMAN
So you had a hard time of it in high school, then?
MEZUZAH
(Sniff.) Whadda ya think, Einstein? (Sniff.) Of course I did! (Sniff.) You shoulda seen me back then, Mr. Lonelyhearts...
CAPTION
And so, as the night wears on...
2 - This is the beginning of a flashback sequence, so the following panels
should be in black-and-white or sepia tone color scheme to indicate this. A young MEZUZAH walks down a corridor in high school. She wears seventies youth clothing, bell-bottomed jeans, a tie-dyed tank top, and Lennon-spex sunglasses, but her snake hair is out for all to see. She seems very shy and unsure of herself, and very uncomfortable with the fear that she realizes her appearance inspires in others. Other kids in the hall turn and stare at her in shock, fear, and undisguised loathing as she walks past them. (Aside from her admitted physical peculiarities, she actually looks pretty good.)
CAPTION
"...I mean, I was a total freak! Everyone hated me! No one would even talk to me, much less ask me out on a date! I was a complete social misfit! We're talking outcast city here!"
3 - The flashback sequence continues. A young MEZUZAH sits in a deserted
upper-middle class Long Island suburban living room (furnishings and decor circa 1979) late at night, dressed in a prom dress, handbag at her feet, bawling her eyes out, head in her hands. Her snake hair is uncovered. She has obviously been stood up by her prom date.
CAPTION
"When Artie Finkelstein stood me up on prom night, it was the last straw! I knew then that I would never be able to find someone who would love me for what I was, snakes and all!"
4 - End of the flashback sequence. Close-up of MEZUZAH sitting on the rim
of the fountain and talking dejectedly. Even her snakes appear depressed -- they droop perceptibly.
MEZUZAH
Since no one wanted to have anything to do with me, I sorta developed this thing about people getting married! Because I knew that I would never find my own special someone, I couldn't stand to see anyone else left out in the cold! That's why I became a marriage broker in the first place! Sure, I'll be the first to admit that my methods became somewhat unorthodox over the years, but all I wanted was to bring people together! Was that so wrong, I ask you? Huh?
5 - MATCHMAN puts an arm around MEZUZAH'S shoulders as he consoles her.
MATCHMAN
Of course not! You know, MEZUZAH, I'm not known as MATCHMAN for nothing! Finding people's perfect romantic matches is my specialty! I'm sure I could find you someone who will love you just the way you are!
MEZUZAH
(Sniff.) R-really, MATCHMAN? You'd do that for me? After all the trouble I've caused?
6 - MATCHMAN continues to talk to MEZUZAH.
MATCHMAN
Certainly! If I can with one fell swoop fix the root cause of your delinquency, perhaps you will consider using your unique talent for good instead of evil!
MEZUZAH
(Sniff.) Gee, thanks, MATCHMAN! For a super hero, you're a real swell guy!
Page 22
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF EIGHT PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - Back at VALentine Complex, we see MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL, RHODA DENDRITE, and
LANCE CORPOREAL standing and sitting in the conference room, around the large table. LANCE looks a bit spaced-out after his ordeal. Z-GIRL has her normal blonde hair again.
RHODA DENDRITE
So she turned every action figure in her collection back to normal, huh?
MATCHMAN
Yes, and she was happy to do it!
Z-GIRL
How you feeling there, LANCE?
LANCE CORPOREAL
It was unlike anything I've ever experienced!
CAPTION
Some time later, back at VALentine Complex...
2 - Cut to a shot of SERGEANT STRIKER supervising a bunch of previous
kibbutzim abductees walking up a ramp onto a passenger ship for repatriation to Israel. The ship flies the Israeli national flag.
CAPTION
"And SERGEANT STRIKER is at this very moment supervising the repatriation of the abductees back to Israel!"
3 - Cut back to VALCom conference room. RHODA DENDRITE is talking with
MATCHMAN while next to them LANCE CORPOREAL looks at his hand held before his eyes with a sense of wonder.
RHODA DENDRITE
So what happened with MEZUZAH? Did you find the perfect match for her?
MATCHMAN
You wound me, DOCTOR! Of course I did! I had SUZANNE GRACE run it through her computer database, and her ideal husband popped right out of the woodwork!
4 - Cut to an exterior shot of a beautiful upper-middle-class suburban
house (with two-car garage) up in Westchester. There's a Lexus sedan in the spacious driveway.
SPEECH BALLOON EMANATING FROM HOUSE
Honey! I'm home!
CAPTION
"Turns out he's a nice young dermatologist named Stan Mankiewicz, with his own practice! Lives up in Westchester! Drives a Lexus!"
5 - Cut to the interior of the suburban house. A handsome young man in a
white lab coat, DOCTOR STAN MANKIEWICZ, sits on the edge of the coffee table as he leans affectionately over MEZUZAH, who is recumbent on the sofa next to him. He has two white paper bags next to him on the coffee table. One contains white mice, and the other contains a bottle of hair conditioner. MEZUZAH wears sunglasses with rhinestone rims and a filmy peignoir. The paperback that she was reading is tented on her stomach, with the title visible: it's Crichton's The Andromeda Strain. DOCTOR STAN is gently feeding a white mouse to one of MEZUZAH'S hair snakes.
DOCTOR STAN MANKIEWICZ
...And I picked up some more of that special conditioner you use, as well as some more white mice from the lab!
MEZUZAH
Aaaaw, aren't you sweet? C'mere, STANLEY! Pour some sugar on me!
CAPTION
"MEZUZAH was overjoyed!"
6 - Close-up of DOCTOR STAN MANKIEWICZ and MEZUZAH kissing each other
deeply. A large heart blossoms over their conjoined heads in standard comics iconic style.
CAPTION
Love, soft as an easy chair!
7 - Cut back to the VALCom conference room. Z-GIRL is talking with
MATCHMAN.
Z-GIRL
So, MATCHMAN, how come you haven't found yourself a nice Jewish girl and settled down yet?
MATCHMAN
Well, you know how it is, Z-GIRL...
8 - Close-up of MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL as he replies.
MATCHMAN
...Nice goys finish last!
Z-GIRL
[rolls her eyes at the bad pun]
Oh brother!
CAPTION
Oy gewalt! The End!