The Matchman
Page 1
THE UPPER TWO-THIRDS OF THIS PAGE ARE A SINGLE GIGANTIC SPLASH PANEL, WHILE THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED IN THE MIDDLE TO MAKE TWO PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE SIDE BY SIDE.
1 - The scene opens upon a gigantic indoor sporting arena
jammed to the rafters with fans. A pop concert is in progress -- lights flash, tiny band members move across the distant stage. Musical notes float through the air to indicate the noise level.
CAPTION
Ah, the loud sound and the bright and shining light at the very pinnacle of fame. Few are allowed to climb to these heights, and none so quickly or so recently as...
2 - Close-up of center stage, where, cavorting with her
headset microphone, big clunky boots, tight shorts, midriff-revealing top and hoop earrings is none other SELENA MOPED. She is Hispanic and exquisite, with long blonde hair. Her posterior is gigantic (this should be exaggerated for humorous effect throughout the comic).
CAPTION
...The one and only SELENA MOPED!
3 - High-angle shot of backstage corridor, where SELENA
MOPED is being ushered through a crowd of rabid fans by several huge bodyguards. General mayhem as fans are bludgeoned, flung aside and so forth. Throughout she maintains a sweetly worried appearance. Her large brown eyes shine with apprehension. Down the hall her dressing room door beckons. There is a star on its outside surface.
CAPTION
Yet all is not wine and roses for the young superstar, as we are about to see. Indeed, with great fame comes great tribulation and even greater heartache...
Page 2
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THREE VERTICAL PANELS OF EQUAL WIDTH.
1 - Interior shot of dressing room, with couches, vanity
mirrors surrounded by lights, etc. SELENA MOPED stands, hands on hips, arms akimbo, head thrust forward, in the midst of a lover's quarrel with her current squeeze, fellow celebrity BIM AZLIKK. He wears a stylish black suit, three- button, with a white T-shirt beneath. He points an accusatory finger at her as he hurls his accusations. Spit flies from his lips.
SELENA MOPED
Why you always gotta start with me, BIM? Huh? Why you always gotta start? The whole world would kill for a handful of what you got right here!
BIM AZLIKK
Damn it, SELENA, I just can't take it any more! You've got to start slimming that thing down! My reputation -- I have a career to think about! I don't want to be eclipsed by your increasingly large, uh, posterior! So you start jogging or I start walking! It's either it -- or me!
2 - Shot of BIM AZLIKK's upper back and the rear of his
head as he exits through the open dressing room door. In the process, SELENA MOPED's voice comes as a speech balloon over his left shoulder, and his heated rejoinder floats back over his right shoulder. His head is turned to the right.
SELENA MOPED
You know what choice I have, and that's no choice at all!
BIM AZLIKK
Fine! That's it! We're through! Hasta la vista, baby! (God, I've always wanted to say that!)
3 - Poor SELENA MOPED is seen here collapsed in tears on
the floor of her dressing room in a kneeling posture. One hand covers her crying eyes, while the other dangles from its strap a secret courier container that looks remarkably like a strap-on set of fake buttocks. Her own remarkably large buttocks are no longer to be seen; her pants sag conspicuously. Sobbingly, she reels out her soliloquized explanation.
SELENA MOPED
Oh, (sob) how can I possibly reveal to BIM that (sniff) I've been recruited by the Government as a courier of top secret documents essential for national security! Damn this (sob) stupid fireproof undercover carrying container! I'm under an oath of secrecy! I (sob) I can't blow my cover! But if I don't I'll blow my whole (sob) relationship...waaaah! What can I do? What can I (sob) do?
Page 3
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE PANELS. THE PAGE IS DIVIDED BY THREE LINES, WHICH RADIATE OUT FROM THE CENTER POINT TO THE PAGE EDGES, CREATING THREE POLYGONS OF APPROXIMATELY EQUAL AREA.
1 - In this panel BIM AZLIKK stares at the viewer from his
position upon a bar stool, looking towards the viewer over the bar surface. He is half drunk, and sitting with his arms crossed protectively in front of his beer. He wears a suspicious expression, as well he should -- for the fellow next to him is none other than SUPER FICIAL!, super villain extraordinaire and the living incarnation of the spirit of self-involvement -- the exact antithesis of MATCHMAN, and in fact his evil twin brother. SUPER FICIAL!'s features are rugged and handsome, with a lantern jaw as mentioned above. He has a look of crafty self-absorption on his face. Their conversation is short and stilted and choppy, running in sequence as shown below (the speech balloons are stacked above the characters' heads in the panel). SUPER FICIAL! has a martini in front of him on the bar.
BIM AZLIKK
No, for the last time, I don't want your autograph.
SUPER FICIAL!
I don't want yours either. Aren't you BIM AZLIKK, the famous movie star?
BIM AZLIKK
Yeah, that's me. And you are?
SUPER FICIAL!
My name is SUPER FICIAL! And aren't you currently involved with Latina pop sensation SELENA MOPED?
BIM AZLIKK
Not any more. We broke up just tonight.
SUPER FICIAL!
My poor dear chum...
2 - This panel shows the exterior corridor outside SELENA
MOPED's dressing room. It is deserted, except for one dubious looking creature trying without much success to skulk in the shadows. This is EL BURRO BANDITO, the second member of the super villain team DOCTOR DEJECTION has sent to swipe the secret government documents from their hiding place. He is highly conspicuous, as he is dressed like a turn-of-the-last-century Mexican bandit, with crossed bandoliers of ammunition, two pistols in holsters, a shotgun slung on his back, boots and an absurdly undersized sombrero dangling down the back of his neck from its string. His entire head is that of a donkey -- a tough, cigar-chomping donkey with five o'clock shadow. He smells bad and has a few flies buzzing around him at all times to indicate this, as well as wavy "aroma lines". He wears a leer that promises much mischief to come.
EL BURRO BANDITO
[thinks]
Aha! And there she is -- jus' like the DOCTOR say she would be! And the papers they eenside! Thees weel be a piece of cake, eeh-awh, eeh-awh!
CAPTION
"...You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that!"
3 - The scene is the control room of DOCTOR DEJECTION's
secret headquarters. It's all sheet metal, blinking lights, computers and viewscreens, including one very large one dominating the far wall. The evil DOCTOR is talking to SUPER FICIAL! and EL BURRO BANDITO, who lounge in their own, smaller swivel chairs across from DOCTOR DEJECTION's extra-large control chair. DOCTOR DEJECTION is tall with flowing robes of a dark indigo blue color. His hands are large metal gauntlets. His head is shrouded in a hood, the depths of which are pitch black, except for his eyes and mouth, which are visible as patches of white, in a jack-o- lantern sort of effect. He looks every inch what he is: the evil leader of a global criminal enterprise.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...And there's my proposition, boys -- pilfer those secret government documents and I will admit you as probationary members of my B.L.A.H. organization. Fail and I will see that you never work again on the evil side of this town. Any questions?
CAPTION
Several days ago, in Doctor Dejection's secret B.L.A.H. (Badguys Leagued Against Humanity) control center...
Page 4
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Close-up shot of the heads and upper torsos of SUPER
FICIAL! and EL BURRO BANDITO sitting side by side in their chairs. EL BURRO BANDITO has his right arm raised in the air in order to ask his question. SUPER FICIAL! is casually examining the cuticles on his right hand.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Si, I gots me a question, mank. How you see where you go when you eyes, they ain't got no pupils? Huh?
SUPER FICIAL!
Oh, don't be such an ass, B.B.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[off-panel]
(Groan.) Just shut up and steal those papers, donkey boy!
2 - Back in SELENA MOPED's dressing room, we see her
sitting on the couch, talking hysterically into her telephone handset. The buttocks-shaped container with the government secret documents sits beside her on the couch, as she isn't wearing it (her shorts are still very loose and baggy). She speaks in a hurry and is obviously very upset. The reader can see what she cannot see -- that the door to the dressing room is being opened, slowly and quietly, by a shadowy figure with boots and really big ears, a.k.a. EL BURRO BANDITO.
SELENA MOPED
I don't care anymore! I don't care! There is nothing that you Agency suits can do to me that can be worse than what I'm going through! I quit! Resign! No more! I've lost my one true love over this ridiculous cloak-and-dagger business and I have had it! Get someone else to carry your precious papers! Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is to dance wearing this thing!?
EL BURRO BANDITO
[thinks]
Eet takes a very steady hand...
3 - SELENA MOPED slams the phone down and then does an
alarmed double take as EL BURRO BANDITO advances into the room, out of the shadow into the light. He reaches for the fake buttocks on the couch with an acquisitive leer.
SELENA MOPED
Vaya con dios, you stupid Agency cagatintas! [slams phone down; does double take] EEEEK! Who -- who or what are you?
EL BURRO BANDITO
Ha! Your chimichangas now belong to EL BURRO BANDITO, senorita! Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
Page 5
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE PANELS: A SMALL ONE IN THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER, A LARGE SPLASH PANEL THAT DOMINATES THE PAGE AND ENCAPSULATES THE FIRST PANEL, AND A THIRD PANEL ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.
1 - View of a nondescript office of an unknown functionary
of an unspecified Government Agency. A bland white man (THE BUREAUCRAT), gray hair and glasses and gray flannel suit (but too far away to make out any more details than that) is seated behind a broad desk. A younger man (THE GOVERNMENT AGENT) stands before him, back to the viewer -- also dressed in a gray flannel suit. Both are faceless functionaries of the Agency -- storm troopers of bureaucracy.
BUREAUCRAT
...We can't take any chances on this one -- those documents are of utmost priority! You'd better get over to VALentine Complex pronto! We need MATCHMAN on this case ASAP!
GOVERNMENT AGENT
Right away, Chief!
2 - Here we see the young AGENT -- who upon further
inspection turns out to be a moon-faced, dark haired white man wearing large horn-rimmed glasses, rather bland and harmless in his conservative gray suit -- in yet another office, this one book-lined and decorated in tasteful Danish Modern furniture, including the kidney-shaped desk. He is shaking hands with a short, squat woman with gray hair done up in a bun and with Coke-bottle eyeglasses of her own, who stands in front of the desk and barely comes up to his chest. This is DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE, head of the science wing of VALentine Complex and renowned biogeneticist. She is wearing a white lab coat and nurses' shoes. Behind the desk stands, or rather towers, a gigantic black man in military uniform, complete with leopard-skin fez and panther skin sung over one shoulder. This is LANCE CORPOREAL, Chief of Security for VALentine Complex. He is an ex-circus strongman and former advisor to the Zairian military. His arms are crossed. He speaks with a clipped Oxford accent, having been schooled in England, both there and at Sandhurst. Together they are the mind and muscle of VALentine Complex. The AGENT is somewhat overshadowed by their eminent presence.
AGENT
It's a distinct honor to meet you in person, DOCTOR DENDRITE. Your work precedes you. And I must say the security here at the Virtuous Altruists League is very thorough indeed. I've never had half those cavities searched before.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Please, call me RHODA. You'll have to thank LANCE CORPOREAL here for your inadvertent physical. He likes to make absolutely sure. We prefer to think of him as a sort of paranoid dentist when it comes to frisking people.
CAPTION
In no time, at the inner offices of the secret VALentine Complex...
3 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE and the AGENT speaking face
to face, with the massive chest of LANCE CORPOREAL as background.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
It doesn't take a genius to figure out why you're here. SERGEANT STRIKER's intelligence sources have already warned us of the MOPED affair. Currently however, MATCHMAN, in his alter ego as SCOTT SUFFIX, is actually out on a date of his own for a change. Imagine that! I can only hope this one goes better for him than that last social catastrophe he attempted.
AGENT
What?!?
Page 6
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF TWO SMALL PANELS AT THE TOP OF TEH PAGE AND A LARGE ONE DIRECTLY BENEATH THEM TO START THE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
1 - Switch to the scene of MATCHMAN's date. He (in mufti --
that is, street clothes -- a nice blue blazer and tan slacks outfit, with a regimental striped tie), as SCOTT SUFFIX, is seated at a flimsy white wrought-iron outdoor cafe table. A skinny BLONDE GIRL, with collagen lips and big hair, wearing a white dress with black polka dots, is sitting across from him. They linger over cheesecake and coffee, although it is dusk and the lights have begun to come on around them. A waiter strides across the panel in the background, among other tables, most of them empty. SCOTT SUFFIX is in real life a mild-mannered and somewhat clumsy research scientist. He is wearing glasses. He has dark hair, cut short. He is tall, thin, agile and reasonably well muscled. He has a prominent chin and jaw line. The BLONDE GIRL is enthralled with him. They stare dreamily into each other's eyes. Little hearts dot the air between them to illustrate the mutual attraction.
BLONDE GIRL
Wow, SCOTT, you research scientists really do lead such interesting lives! How did you ever end up in such a glamorous line of work? I guess your parents must have really raised you in the right environment, huh?
CAPTION
Indeed -- heroes need love too!
2 - Front close-up shot of SCOTT SUFFIX as he sits at the
table and stares out at where the girl would be but the viewer is. He is earnest and sincere, as he thoughtfully attempts to recall his upbringing. His left hand is waving his fork about; his right hand cups his chin in concentration.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Well, it's funny you should bring it up. There's more to it than that, I guess, but the same is true of any person's life. Now when I was a wee lad...
3 - The flashback sequence begins. We see SCOTT SUFFIX as a
little four-year-old boy playing with a toy set where you hammer in various shaped blocks into the appropriately shaped holes. He is busily attempting to hammer the square block into the round hole, and the tragedy is that he isn't even strong enough to bring his mistake to fruition. He sits on the floor, a black-and-white checkered tile floor that appears to be that of a kitchen. Around him are four table legs, and beyond these two legs in gray slacks and black dress shoes and two legs in a mint-green ankle-length skirt and pumps -- his FATHER and his MOTHER.
SOUND F/X
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
CAPTION
"...I wasn't nearly as promising a physical or mental specimen as my parents had hoped I would be."
Page 7
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE VERTICAL PANELS OF EQUAL WIDTH.
1 - The FATHER and MOTHER legs stand facing each other, as
various signs float down from above, signifying argument. A woebegone little SCOTT sits with his thumb in his mouth between them, gazing upwards with a tear in his eye.
FATHER AND MOTHER
#@$%^&%^*^%*%$%$#%$#@!!
CAPTION
"My parents argued a great deal, and to this day I am convinced it was due to my own inferior presence in their house. They wanted a better son, but what could I do?"
2 - Noises from off panel left indicate the constant
fighting of the FATHER and MOTHER. At right, little SCOTT lifts his hands and chin up over the edge of the kitchen counter to gaze in wonderment at the white Braun coffee maker, which is calmly puffing away at its task of making coffee. The coffee maker is swollen to grotesque proportions in his childish imagination, like some sort of pagan idol.
SOUND F/X
Perk! Perk! Perk!
FATHER AND MOTHER
[off-panel] #@^#$#&%%*^$&%$#%$#@@%!!!
CAPTION
"Due to their constant bickering I was frequently left to my own devices. Like all children, I took the opportunities that arose to mimic the grownups that I observed in daily life. I was especially fascinated by the coffee maker. Every morning my FATHER made and drank several cups of coffee. I wanted to drink coffee and become big and strong like my FATHER."
3 - In the background is a door that has just been slammed.
In the middle ground we have an indistinct view of a woman (the MOTHER) left sobbing in a lump on the kitchen floor. The kitchen table and chairs are overturned. At the counter, little SCOTT, standing on the last chair, carefully fills the coffee maker with water at the sink.
SOUND F/X
Kaslam!
MOTHER
[crying]
Boo hoo hoo! Sob! Boo hoo hoo!
CAPTION
"On the day that my FATHER left forever after a solid week of fighting with my MOTHER, I saw my chance. If I could make the coffee now, everything would be okay and my parents would love each other once more. I could bring them back together. I could bring everyone back together, everywhere. No one would ever be left alone."
Page 8
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE PANELS. THE FIRST TWO PANELS DIVIDE THE UPPER THIRD OF THE PAGE EVENLY BETWEEN THEM. THE ENTIRE LOWER TWO-THIRDS OF THE PAGE IS COMPOSED OF ONE GIGANTIC SPLASH PANEL.
1 - Super close-up shot of the coffee maker's filter in
little SCOTT's hand, showing it a-crawl with many and varied kinds of molds and fungi, in several bright primary colors.
CAPTION
"The only problem was that I was a bit hazy on the details. I forgot to replace the filter. The inside had grown a fairly decent coat of several exotic species of molds and fungi over the past week or so. I brewed a pot of something else -- a substance as yet undiscovered. A substance so vile that it does not yet have a name."
2 - Little SCOTT raises the coffee cup to his lips and
drinks. The background is pure white light as the kid starts radiating power. He incandesces. He shines like a star. He goes nova with attendant sound effects.
SOUND F/X
ZEEEOWWWNEEEEOWWWNEEEEOWWWNNNNNN
CAPTION
"And I drank it."
3 - Where the boy SCOTT once stood, there stands a very
confused newly incarnate MATCHMAN, looking just as he always has. Emblazoned on his chest is the MATCHMAN logo. His adult features are rugged and handsome, with a lantern jaw as mentioned above.
SOUND F/X
Kazango!
CAPTION
"All of a sudden I was possessed of super powers! My mental and physical abilities were boosted exponentially! I had super strength! I could fly! And so much more! Thus was MATCHMAN born!"
Page 9
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Outside shot here of the exterior steps of the earliest
incarnation of VALentine Complex, which to the non-comic- book-trained eye looks like a seedy brownstone in one of the less reputable sections of the East Village in lower Manhattan. DOCTOR DENDRITE and LANCE CORPOREAL are leading the young SCOTT SUFFIX up the stairs by the hand, one on either side. All are wearing winter overcoats, and there is snow on the steps and sidewalk.
CAPTION
"After my MOTHER died of a heart attack incurred while witnessing that first transformation of mine, I was taken in by two consummate masters of both the mental and the physical arts -- DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE, pre-eminent biogeneticist, and LANCE CORPOREAL, ex- circus strongman, mercenary, and all-around tough guy. Between the two of them they helped me to focus and develop my new powers."
2 - Shot of LANCE CORPOREAL and MATCHMAN fighting it out
with pugil sticks in a gymnasium. LANCE CORPOREAL is bare to the waist. He has just fetched MATCHMAN a stunning blow on the head with his pugil stick. Stars of pain fly out as his eyes squeeze shut.
SOUND F/X
Whbam!
CAPTION
"Through their patient training they enabled me to use my powers responsibly, for the good of humanity. They helped me to see that my goal of ensuring that no one be left all alone, that all have company, that all be provided with love and affection, was now within my grasp. I adopted the MATCHMAN identity from that point onward, and my course has been clear ever since Fate chose me as its unwitting receptacle."
3 - This panel is a full group portrait of the Virtuous
Altruists League, otherwise known as the VALentine Complex Team. MATCHMAN is in the center, flanked by DOCTOR DENDRITE and LANCE CORPOREAL. SERGEANT STRIKER (a life-size matchstick man) is at the far right, while SUZANNE GRACE (an attractive woman of about forty years of age, tall, thin, with shoulder-length brunette hair done in a conservative style) is standing at the far left of the panel. All are smiling, as though for a posed group holiday photo.
CAPTION
"We three formed the nucleus of what was to grow and become VALentine Complex -- a labyrinthine underground organization dedicated to the progress of love, harmony and affection throughout the world. And we're still going strong to this very day!"
Page 10
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Suddenly we're back in present time at the outdoor
cafe. All is silent as the BLONDE GIRL in the polka-dot dress stares, gaping open-mouthed, in utter shock at SCOTT SUFFIX across the table due to the fantastic tale he's just rattled off with no warning. He smiles back lovingly, unaware that she's about to leave in a big hurry, convinced that she's been on a date with a completely delusional maniac.
2 - All we see of the BLONDE GIRL is a swish of her polka-
dot skirt as she exits off the left side of the panel; her chair lies on its back on the ground. SCOTT is half-rising from his seat, pushing his chair back with one hand while reaching another hand out to his departing date. His napkin falls from his lap to the ground. From behind SCOTT, from the right hand side of the panel, a hand and arm reach out and tap SCOTT on the shoulder in an attempt at self- introduction.
BLONDE GIRL
[off-panel]
If you ever call me again I'll slap a restraining order on you so fast it'll make your head spin, you delusional freak!
SCOTT SUFFIX
But wait! Was it something I said?
AGENT
[off-panel]
Uh, excuse me? SCOTT SUFFIX? I have to speak with you urgently!
3 - Close-up of AGENT talking with SCOTT SUFFIX, both from
the waist up. SCOTT attempts to look wistfully in the direction of his fleeing ex-date, but the AGENT is in his face and full of the urgency of his mission.
AGENT
...To sum up: pop idol SELENA MOPED is in reality a secret courier of sensitive government documents, which are hidden in an even more sensitive location upon her very person! We have reason to believe that agents of DOCTOR DEJECTION are after those documents at this very moment, due in part to her current romantic crisis! You must go to her at once, secure the documents, defeat the forces of evil and then reunite her with her celebrity boyfriend BIM AZLIKK! Think you can handle it?
SCOTT SUFFIX
I doubt I can, sir...
Page 11
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE PANELS. THE FIRST AND THE THIRD PANELS DIVIDE THE PAGE IN HALF BETWEEN THEM VERTICALLY, WHILE THE SECOND PANEL IS NESTLED BETWEEN THE TWO RIGHT IN THE VERY CENTER, AND IS CIRCULAR IN SHAPE.
1 - Key the theme music; here comes the obligatory
transformation scene. Close-up of SCOTT's chest as he rips his blue blazer open and his tie flies up and back. Beneath his blue blazer, emblazoned on his chest, is the MATCHMAN logo. Naturally he is rippling with wiry muscle, but not to a ridiculous extent.
MATCHMAN
...But MATCHMAN can handle anything!
2 - Shows MATCHMAN in flight against a background
consisting of the front facade of the building containing the outdoor cafe at ground level. MATCHMAN should have "speed lines" curving behind him to his abandoned table and the surprised AGENT, who is watching him fly away into the night sky, backed by the glow of street lamps. His features are rugged and handsome, with a lantern jaw as mentioned above. He has a look of grim determination on his face.
MATCHMAN
Don't worry, sir! I'll have this little contretemps sewed up tight in no time flat! I'll meet you and the others at MS. MOPED's dressing room!
3 - Having left the bar, BIM AZLIKK and SUPER FICIAL! walk
the streets, each a bit soused, although BIM is by far the worse of the two. Little bubbles of intoxication float about their heads. In this shot, they are seen head-on as they walk into a circular pool of streetlight. BIM wears a dark overcoat to go with his black suit. SUPER FICIAL! wears his usual costume.
BIM AZLIKK
So...waitaminute... let me get thish straight...you're a super bad (hic) guy...and you an yer criminal empire are after SELENA...and if I help you out you'll make me a super bad guy too? ...Cool...I allus wanted shuper (hic) powers...
SUPER FICIAL!
You got it, partner. Naturally I'd get to be the criminal mastermind, but you would have a position of great authority among my many minions.
BIM AZLIKK
I allus wanted to be a minion...can I have the power of making peoplesh (hic) heads explode, like in that telephone movie?
SUPER FICIAL!
But of course!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, in another part of the evening city...
Page 12
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE VERTICAL PANELS, INCREASING IN SIZE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT ACROSS THE PAGE.
1 - In this shot we see BIM AZLIKK and SUPER FICIAL! still
walking and talking, but this time from the rear, as two silhouettes against a background of light from a street lamp.
BIM AZLIKK
Solid! Exploding headsh...(burrp) are we there yet?
SUPER FICIAL!
We are almost at the prearranged rendezvous point, where my colleague should be awaiting us with the desired object in his hairy hands.
BIM AZLIKK
Ah yesh, I remember it well...what was it again?
2 - Back in SELENA MOPED's dressing room, a tug of war
between her and EL BURRO BANDITO is going on over the fake set of buttocks that contains the secret documents. Each has a strap and is pulling on it with both hands, in the center of the room. Each wears an expression of great concentration and exertion.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Gimmee eet, choo loca chica! I claim eet fair an square!
SELENA MOPED
Oh no you don't! Get your grubby paws off it, you walking affront to the Hispano-American Anti- Defamation Society!
3 - EL BURRO BANDITO falls backwards, the false bottom
tumbling into his arms, as SELENA's strap breaks and she flies backwards in her own direction onto the sofa. He winds up sitting on the floor, in front of the door, with the artificial derriere in his lap. He gloats over his triumph.
SOUND F/X
Snap!
SELENA MOPED
Urk!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Hah! She ees mine! I tol ju so! Now to take care of the sole weetness to my misdeed...
Page 13
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE PANELS. THE FIRST IS A LARGE SPLASH PANEL THAT COVERS THE ENTIRE UPPER TWO-THIRDS OF THE PAGE, WHILE THE LATTER TWO SHARE THE REMAINING SPACE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE BETWEEN THEM.
1 - A startled El BURRO BANDITO flies forwards, mouth open
in shock, as behind him the dressing room door splinters inwards and MATCHMAN stands, pointing an accusing finger into the room. Viewpoint of the reader is from in front of EL BURRO BANDITO, looking up and back to the towering form of MATCHMAN in the doorway, past a storm of splintered wood from the shattered door. The artificial derriere leaves EL BURRO BANDITO's hands from the impact and flies toward the viewer.
SOUND F/X
Kee-rash!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[in Portuguese, true, but close enough]
Aaaaaiiiiieeee! Mi nadega artificial!
MATCHMAN
Drop the chalupa, Pancho Vanilla -- the cavalry's here!
2 - Action scene with EL BURRO BANDITO and MATCHMAN
scuffling, interlocked, on the floor as behind them SELENA MOPED stares wide-eyed at the drama unfolding from her inadvertent seat on the couch. EL BURRO BANDITO is trying to aim his shotgun squarely at MATCHMAN, whereas MATCHMAN is trying to wrest it from him and wrap it around his neck in order to choke him into unconsciousness.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Choo (urgh) peek the wrong (ungh) donkey-headed bandito to cross today, bendejo! Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
MATCHMAN
I'll say! (Koff koff.) You reek! Is that a (urmmff) cigar or a piece of tarred rope in your (hurk) mouth?
3 - Close-up shot of EL BURRO BANDITO's astonished and
pained face as MATCHMAN deftly wraps his shotgun around his head and ears from behind, and ties a bow in it. All we see of MATCHMAN are his arms and torso for this one. Sadistic and comical all at once!
SOUND F/X
Screeunch!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Okay! No more! I geeve! Arrgh! Da pain! Da pain! Hey boss! Da pain!
MATCHMAN
Gun control is being able to hit what you aim at, gazpacho!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[thinking, with regard to the "gazpacho" reference, which, of course, isn't Spanish]
Que?
Page 14
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - As EL BURRO BANDITO lies on the floor, shotgun knotted
around his head, hogtied with his own bandoliers, MATCHMAN returns the artificial derriere to SELENA MOPED with a flourish. She advances slowly from the couch to receive the item in question, still somewhat in surprise at her untimely rescue.
MATCHMAN
And I believe this shapely portion of ersatz anatomy belongs to you, MS. MOPED?
SELENA MOPED
Thank you so much, ah...MATCHMAN, I presume? You've done the Government a signal service in preventing this theft!
2 - MATCHMAN and SELENA MOPED sit side-by-side on the
dressing room couch. Each leans forward, elbows on knees, and SELENA has her hands deployed in a gesture of explanation, as she explains her romantic plight to
MATCHMAN.
SELENA MOPED
...So you see, MATCHMAN, that's the problem. I cannot explain the size of my derriere to my boyfriend BIM without revealing top-secret information, and yet I cannot allow the greatest, the only love of my life to be jeopardized by this idiotic contraption! I'm in a no-win situation and yet I must escape! It is intolerable I tell you!
MATCHMAN
Mmmmm... Yes, it's always difficult for the modern woman to juggle a relationship and a successful career and a strap-on fake posterior simultaneously.
3 - SELENA MOPED stands up from the couch with her arms
flung wide as she voices her strongest concerns. MATCHMAN, still sitting, looks up at her from the couch in surprise at her vehemence. His hands and arms reach to calm her.
SELENA MOPED
If I do not have my man back in my arms again before this night is over, I will kill myself! Yes! End it all! He is the only one for me! The government has many secret couriers! I have only one BIM AZLIKK!
MATCHMAN
Calm down, miss! Have no fear -- MATCHMAN is near!
Page 15
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS. THE FIRST TWO PANELS EACH OCCUPY THE HORIZONTAL HALVES OF THE UPPER TWO- THIRDS OF THE PAGE, WHILE THE THIRD PANEL OCCUPIES THE ENTIRE LOWER THIRD OF THE PAGE.
1 - Here we see a shot of the shattered door to the
dressing room from inside the dressing room, i.e. MATCHMAN and SELENA MOPED's perspective from the couch. The door's jagged opening fills the entire panel. Peeking around its edges are three heads peering in: DOCTOR DENDRITE, LANCE CORPOREAL and the AGENT have arrived.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Excuse us. Are we interrupting a tender moment?
LANCE CORPOREAL
Nice job you did on restraining that desperado there, MATCHY old boy.
AGENT
Phew! What's that smell? Manure and cheap cigars? What on earth do you celebrities do in your private moments?
2 - The picture is of a football huddle, looking up from
below. The ring of faces is MATCHMAN, SELENA MOPED, DOCTOR DENDRITE, LANCE CORPOREAL and the AGENT. All are huddled together, arms around shoulders. Their dialogue fills the empty middle of the panel.
MATCHMAN
...So that's the plan! Who's with me on this?
SELENA MOPED
Got it -- I stay here, keep an eye on the hogtied maricon there on the floor, and sit on the documents for safekeeping.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
And while you distract your evil twin, we neutralize and acquire AZLIKK...
LANCE CORPOREAL
... Without busting him up too badly.
AGENT
At least the critical documents are back with their rightful courier!
CAPTION
A hurried council of war!
3 - Cut to BIM AZLIKK and SUPER FICIAL! sitting on a
nondescript couch in a nondescript apartment. They occupy the center of the panel in a medium distance shot. There are end tables and a standing lamp on either side of the couch, but no coffee table. BIM peers over at the holographic image of DOCTOR DEJECTION rising from a flat metal device in SUPER FICIAL!'s lap. The holographic image is composed of bright blue lines only.
BIM AZLIKK
Wow...so that's your evil crime boss, huh?
SUPER FICIAL!
He's not my boss! I just have to do what he says when he says to do it or he'll kill me, that's all.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[hologram] ...And if you and that walking excuse for a Mexican flea circus aren't back here in ten minutes with the documents and blah blah blah...
CAPTION
Meanwhile...
Page 16
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS. THE FIRST AND LAST PANELS COMPRISE THE FIRST AND LAST HORIZONTAL QUARTERS OF THE PAGE, RESPECTIVELY. THE SECOND PANEL COMPRISES THE CENTER OF THE PAGE, WHICH IS AN AREA AMOUNTING TO HALF OF THE PAGE'S TOTAL SURFACE.
1 - Same scene, but this time the viewpoint is from above
and behind, looking down at the hologram of DOCTOR DEJECTION. The back of BIM AZLIKK's head is to the viewer's right; that of SUPER FICIAL! is to the viewer's left. The hologram dissipates in a flash of blue light as DOCTOR DEJECTION signs off in a fit of pique.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...Blah blah blah red-hot irons! DEJECTION out!!
BIM AZLIKK
He sure sounded pissed. What do you suppose is keeping the BANDITO?
SUPER FICIAL!
Offhand, I'd say it's the noisome presence of that poster boy for steroid abuse, my arch-nemesis...
2 - MATCHMAN bursts through the door in power pose, one
shoulder cocked in front of him and head low like a football linebacker who's just made a tough block. Splinters of door fly everywhere as he announces his presence. He is thinking, as well as shouting out loud.
SOUND F/X
Kakraphoon!
MATCHMAN
Hold it right there, SUPER FICIAL! I can't allow your dastardly hands to snatch those secret documents!
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Hmmm ...I wonder how many doors that makes that I've smashed this week?
SUPER FICIAL! and BIM AZLIKK [shouting in unison from off-panel]
...MATCHMAN!!!
3 - SUPER FICIAL! and MATCHMAN square off in identical,
jaw-clenched, arm-rippling poses and glare at each other across the center of the panel. Behind them a panicky BIM AZLIKK runs across the room for the door, seeking to escape in a hurry. BIM's face bears an expression of extreme fear. Beads of fear sweat fly into the air from his head as speed lines streak after him though the room.
SUPER FICIAL! and MATCHMAN [in unison]
Run for cover, BIM! This is my fight now!
Page 17
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - BIM AZLIKK has just come running from out of the door
to the building, when, as he emerges into the pool of light from the overhead door lamp, he is grabbed in a headlock and nearly swept off of his feet by LANCE CORPOREAL. Over the black man's bulky forearm his eyes are wide with shock. At left is DOCTOR DENDRITE, and at the right of the panel stands the AGENT, both in attitudes of agitation and suspense.
SOUND F/X
Nab!
BIM AZLIKK
Mmmmfff!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Not so fast, bright eyes!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
It's him! BIM, you must come back with us!
AGENT
Yes, MR. AZLIKK, I'm afraid that we, on behalf of the Government, owe you some information regarding the exact composition of your girlfriend's buttocks...
2 - MATCHMAN runs full-tilt head-on into SUPER FICIAL!'s
midriff, driving him backwards with great force. SUPER FICIAL!'s breath escapes him in an agonized puff, as his eyes bug out. Lamps and chairs topple. Capes fly like flags.
SOUND F/X
Ker-bunt!
MATCHMAN
I don't know how you escaped from prison again, you twisted goon, but you're going back pronto!
SUPER FICIAL!
Hurgh! N-never!
3 - SUPER FICIAL! grabs MATCHMAN around the waist and flips
him up over his head, slamming him down upon the floor behind him as he regains mastery of the situation. MATCHMAN hits the ground hard. Pain stars fly and waves radiate to indicate impact and injury. More furniture rattles about. It's a medium-distance shot with no background so that the emphasis is upon the two muscular bodies in action.
SOUND F/X
Splak!
SUPER FICIAL!
Fa shizzle!
MATCHMAN
Oog!
Page 18
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - MATCHMAN bounces back strong, flipping up onto his feet
kung fu style and walloping SUPER FICIAL! across the jaw with a cataclysmic right cross. SUPER FICIAL!'s eyes in turn go cross-eyed.
SOUND F/X
Pow!
MATCHMAN
Fu schnickens!
SUPER FICIAL!
Ork!
2 - This panels shows SUPER FICIAL! slowly getting to his
feet in the corner where he'd flown after the knockout punch. He is rubbing his jaw.
SUPER FICIAL!
[thinks]
"Fu schnickens" ?
3 - SUPER FICIAL! launches himself across the room in a
last all-out attack on MATCHMAN, and is batted down like a shuttlecock by our intrepid hero.
SUPER FICIAL!
I must... break you!
MATCHMAN
The only thing you could break is wind, miscreant!
Page 19
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE VERTICAL PANELS. THE FIRST TWO ARE EACH HALF AS WIDE AS THE THIRD.
1 - MATCHMAN pile drives an elbow into the back of SUPER
FICIAL!'s head, who is kneeling on hands and knees on the floor, trying to recover from his previous blow. This knocks SUPER FICIAL! out cold. Impact lines, stars of pain -- the works. This is the grand finale blow of the fight.
SOUND F/X
Chonk!
MATCHMAN
Nighty-night, glamour boy!
SUPER FICIAL!
Uunnhh!
2 - MATCHMAN, battered yet unbeaten, hauls his unconscious
opposite number's carcass up off of the floor in a half nelson hold. SUPER FICIAL! is bruised and battered, too.
MATCHMAN
It was a shame to have to clobber you again, my evil self-centered twin! Let's hope a restful stretch in Maximum Security will iron you out properly and allow you to come to terms with your misplaced megalomania!
CAPTION
Well, looks like the fight is over, folks...
3 - We find ourselves back in DOCTOR DEJECTION's sheet
metal B.L.A.H. command center. On the major overhead viewscreen he watches a battered SUPER FICIAL! apprehended by a triumphant MATCHMAN. DOCTOR DEJECTION stands in the middle of the floor, arms flung wildly over his head, huge metal fists clenched as he waves them in the air. His back is to the viewer as he stares at the viewscreen in disgusted wonderment at yet another plan gone down the drain.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Aaaaaargh! I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust those two chuckleheaded thickwits with anything more complicated than tying their own shoelaces! Why did I even bother going out on such a fragile limb...
CAPTION
...And guess who had a ringside seat!
Page 20
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Close-up of DOCTOR DEJECTION's hooded face, right
profile filling left-hand side of panel as he turns to address the delightful DISCORDIA, who lolls in one of the command center's big swivel chairs, legs over an arm, leaning back on her left elbow, while her right hand displays her trademark golden apple as though she were a mannequin in a store window. DISCORDIA is beautifully proportioned, and is wearing a black bikini, with extra black straps that wrap around her torso and limbs, that manages to strategically reveal a great deal of pressable flesh in the tried-and-true comics tradition. She also wears a pair of shiny black jackboots. Her skin is a bright golden color, as is her shoulder-length hair (the hair is a shade darker, however). Her eyes are blank, without iris or pupil, gold in color as well, and flash with golden lightning indicative of mysterious powers. Her lips and eyebrows are the same color as her hair; her teeth are very white.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...When I've got the sure-fire solution to all of my MATCHMAN woes right here! Isn't that so...
DISCORDIA?
DISCORDIA
Absolutely, DOCTOR D.! Like, leave everything to yours truly!
CAPTION
Oh, no! Has DOCTOR DEJECTION discovered MATCHMAN's fatal weakness? This bodes ill for our big lug of a hero! But that's for next time, faithful Match-fans!
2 - MATCHMAN, DOCTOR DENDRITE, LANCE CORPOREAL, BIM AZLIKK,
the AGENT, SUPER FICIAL! (wrapped in chains, with a large padlock) crowd around the shattered doorway into SELENA MOPED's much-abused dressing room -- their faces fill the jagged outline as they stare into the room, and coincidentally at the viewer. MATCHMAN is in the center of the doorway. All wear expression of shock, with gaping mouths -- comedy from tragedy. Only MATCHMAN speaks.
MATCHMAN
MS. MOPED, we have returned...Holy shamoley don't do it lady!!
CAPTION
Back at SELENA MOPED's much-abused dressing room...but is the VALentine team too late?!?
3 - SELENA MOPED slumps dejectedly upon the couch, heaping
handful of pills halfway to her mouth, as tears stream down her cheeks. Her eyes have shifted to look to the right of the panel, from whence the encouraging voices come from those in the doorway. In the background EL BURRO BANDITO still lies hogtied upon the floor. Next to SELENA on the couch is an empty jar clearly labeled "Lax Ahoy" -- a laxative of some kind.
BIM AZLIKK
[off-panel]
Stop, SELENA darling! I was wrong! I know everything now! I love you just the way you are!
SELENA MOPED
BIM? Is that really you?
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
[off-panel]
Is it really possible to kill yourself with laxatives?
ANOTHER UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
[off-panel]
Shhh!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[faintly, in background]
I try to stop her mank...
Page 21
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Long shot of a crowded dressing room, as MATCHMAN,
SUPER FICIAL! (still padlocked in a chain cocoon), LANCE CORPOREAL, DOCTOR DENDRITE and the hogtied EL BURRO BANDITO (still on the floor) somehow manage to squeeze in and hover about the two celebrities. SELENA MOPED rises slowly from the couch, casting her handful of pills aside, as BIM AZLIKK, stooping slightly, stretches out his arms to receive her in a warm embrace. Both of their faces are streaked now with tears. Their eyes are large and moist. Her artificial buttocks swell the seat of her shorts -- she's wearing them.
SELENA MOPED
So they've...they've told you all, my love?
BIM AZLIKK
Yes, my dear, they have. And now that I know the secret of the "junk in the trunk"...
2 - A collective hush falls over the entire room as SELENA
MOPED and BIM AZLIKK stand face-to-face, holding each other at arms' length, talking. Everyone else, even the big guys, fades away into the background. SUPER FICIAL! can be observed yawning in boredom and contempt off to the side.
BIM AZLIKK
...I will never leave you again! I love you!
SELENA MOPED
Oh BIM! Mi amor!
SUPER FICIAL!
(yawn)
3 - The celebrities enjoy a massive clinch, hugging tight
and kissing close and deep, all in the center of the room. A massive cheer erupts from the spectators (excluding SUPER FICIAL! but including EL BURRO BANDITO, who can be heard over the din adding his signature noise to the end of the cacophony). LANCE CORPOREAL and DOCTOR DENDRITE indulge in a high fives, which she must jump to consummate, as he is much taller than she is. MATCHMAN cheers, hands on hips, arms akimbo, head thrown back, along with the others. A heart rises from the conjoined lovers, hovering over their heads to indicate affection. Similarly, a cloud of smoke rises over SUPER FICIAL!'s head to indicate frustration at his defeat.
ALL
Hoooraaaayyy!!!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
SUPER FICIAL!
Oh, zip it, Eeyore!
Page 22
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Close-up shot of the AGENT wringing MATCHMAN's hand in
gratitude. MATCHMAN towers over the faceless government functionary. Minimal background here as official congratulations are rendered.
AGENT
Looks like it's time for me to head back to Washington! Another fine job well done, MATCHMAN! Should you ever seek an official government position, we'd be glad to have you!
MATCHMAN
Thank you, sir! Should a highly sensitive government posterior ever again be in jeopardy, don't hesitate to call upon the vast, though not infinite, resources of VALentine Complex!
CAPTION
Kudos all 'round!
2 - Close-up of the two reunited celebrity lovers in a rib-
creaking embrace, slightly apart so as to gaze into each other's eyes. BIM AZLIKK is looking down at SELENA MOPED, as she is bit shorter than he is. The bottom of the panel is at thigh level on the two lovers. They are surrounded by a radiating pattern of heart-shaped outlines, in varying shades of red and pink, which occupy the entire background of the panel.
BIM AZLIKK
I never realized how much I adored every succulent inch of you, my darling SELENA! You are like four scoops of fried ice cream in my hands!
SELENA MOPED
Oh, BIM, mi corazon, you say the sweetest things! Let's have breakfast in bed today!
CAPTION
And so we leave our reunited lovers hungry for one another...
3 - Outside shot. MATCHMAN, DOCTOR DENDRITE and LANCE
CORPOREAL stroll off down the sidewalk into the morning sunrise together, with EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPER FICIAL! in tow. Silhouette shot. The captured villains are still in bonds. In the lower right hand corner the words "THE END" appear in a heart-shaped caption outline, as per usual.
DCOTOR DENDRITE
Another job well done, MATCHMAN!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Too bad your date didn't pan out quite so well as this mission, MATCHY old boy.
MATCHMAN
Please, LANCE! Not in front of the evildoers!
SUPER FICIAL!
Chuckle!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
CAPTION
[heart-shaped outline]
THE END.