The Matchman
Page 1
THREE PANELS
1 - We begin with a nice big exterior shot of the VALCom
headquarters building, preferably from a dramatic aerial angle, as though one were observing it from a circling low- flying aircraft. The sound effects permeate the entire panel.
SOUND F/X
Wreeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwweeeeeeooooooooooowwww!
CAPTION
At the midtown skyscraper headquarters of the VALentine Complex, we bring you today’s universe- shaking calamity already in progress!
2 - Interior shot of MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL running
determinedly toward the viewer down a hallway. Destination - the secret time-traveling room! (The siren sound continues throughout the building for the next few panels.)
Z-GIRL
I thought I’d heard every alarm we had, MATCHMAN! But this is something new! What is it? Huh?
MATCHMAN
No time for cockamamie answers, Z-GIRL! Just follow me!
1 SOUND F/X
Wreeeeeooooowwwwwweeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwweeeee!
3 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL run past an office door in the
hallway. SUZANNE GRACE emerges, prepared to run in the same direction.
Z-GIRL
I wish I knew what was going on!
MATCHMAN
Later! SUZANNE! Where the hell is SERGEANT STRIKER! This is serious!
SUZANNE GRACE
He’s out on a mission!
SOUND F/X
Wreeeeeeooooowwwwwweeeeeeeoooooowwwwww!
Page 2
FOUR PANELS
1 - MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL, and SUZANNE GRACE race down a hallway
together, as seen from behind and slightly below the usual angle.
MATCHMAN
Orphans? Hostages? Refugees?
SUZANNE GRACE
Bagels!
SOUND F/X
Wreeeeeeooooooooowwwwweeeeeeeeoooooooowwww!
2
2 - MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL and SUZANNE GRACE halt before a steel-
sheathed security door as MATCHMAN punches in a complicated security code on a keypad next to the door. DOCTOR DENDRITE joins them, slightly out of breath.
Z-GIRL
Gee - I didn’t even know the Security Level had its own Security Level! DOC, what’s this all about?
DOCTOR DENDRITE
I’ll (puff puff) tell you (pant) once we’re inside the Tempus Fugit chamber!
MATCHMAN
Let’s see...was it...my birth date? No...hmm... Should’ve picked an easier combination to remember!
SOUND F/X
Wreeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwweeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwww!
3 - Our four protagonists are silhouetted against the light
coming through the opened security door as they enter the pitch-dark “Tempus Fugit chamber.” Again, very dramatic. (The siren sound cuts off as the door opens.)
MATCHMAN
There! That’s got it!
Z-GIRL
Finally! That annoying siren’s gone!
SUZANNE GRACE
Migraine city!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
It’s supposed to be (wheeze) like that!
3 SOUND F/X
Wreeeee - Clik! Shhhhhhthunk!
4 - DOCTOR DENDRITE turns on the chamber lights to the
immediate right of the security door, as the other three venture on into the cavernous Tempus Fugit chamber. We don’t see much of the chamber as yet in this one panel.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
I mean, who ever heard of a subtle and unobtrusive alarm system?
Z-GIRL
But what’s it an alarm for? Somebody tell me!
MATCHMAN
All in good time, Z-GIRL...
SOUND F/X
Klik!
Page 3
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - Here we see a full-scale interior shot, from a high
angle, of the Tempus Fugit chamber, deep in the bowels of the VALentine Complex headquarters building. Our characters look very small as they walk across the spacious floor towards a small conference table and chairs in the center of the room. The Tempus Fugit chamber is absolutely slathered in high-tech apparatus. There is a cylindrical metal hatch, painted in yellow-and-black “danger stripes” and surrounded by red lights, in the far wall. LANCE CORPOREAL arrives at the outer door to the chamber, a little late.
MATCHMAN
...All in good time!
4 DOCTOR DENDRITE
Anyhoo, this is what we like to call the Tempus Fugit chamber, and, as you’ve probably already guessed, this is where we at VALCom monitor and protect the flow of time down through the ages!
SUZANNE GRACE
As if we didn’t have enough on our plate already, right?
Z-GIRL
Woooowwwww...
LANCE CORPOREAL
Hullo! Sorry I’m late! Is it that rotter DOCTOR DEJECTION again, mucking about with things temporal?
Page 4
SIX PANELS
1 - Close-up of Z-GIRL perplexedly questioning LANCE
CORPOREAL re: his previous statement.
Z-GIRL
Again? You mean - our arch-nemesis has attempted to travel back to the past in order to change the future before?
LANCE CORPOREAL
Well, in this context the words “again” and “before” have little or no meaning, but...yes! Attempted - and succeeded!
2 - DOCTOR DENDRITE steps up to join Z-GIRL and LANCE
CORPOREAL in their discussion. Z-GIRL looks alarmed at the revelation unfolding.
5 Z-GIRL
What?!? But...but...
LANCE CORPOREAL
Oh, absolutely! For instance, President John F. Kennedy was originally assassinated in Sheboygan, Wisconsin!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
And that was nothing! Remember when those planes crashed into the White House back in 2001? He sure tweaked that one around!
3 - DOCTOR DENDRITE leads Z-GIRL over to the yellow-and-
black hatch in the wall that is the time dilation aperture. She is in lecture mode.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Plus, there was that time when he pushed the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa off of his horse - in full armor, mind you - and the poor fat bastard drowned in that shallow river on his way to the Crusades...actually, even I had to laugh at that one...still, one shouldn’t alter the past, even for humorous reasons!
Z-GIRL
I...I just...I mean, it’s just a shock to discover that the whole of existence is just an infinitely malleable lie! What can we do to preserve continuity?
4 - DOCTOR DENDRITE stands proudly, arms wide, in front of
the hatch in the wall. She proudly displays it for a still- baffled Z-GIRL.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Behold the McGuffin Device! I invented it as a means to travel through time in order to thwart DOCTOR DEJECTION’S malicious monkeyings-about
6 with history! “McGuffin” was my married name, you know!
Z-GIRL
A working time machine? Holy cow! Wait...you were married? I didn’t know that!
5 - DOCTOR DENDRITE and Z-GIRL continue to talk in front of
the hatch. A view from up close, perhaps.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Yes, well - what you don’t know about me could just about fill the DSM-IV! Did you know that I was once an exotic dancer in Macao?
Z-GIRL
[wide-eyed]
Uh-uh!
6 - DOCTOR DENDRITE resumes her lecture before the hatch.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Ahem - where was I? Oh yes! In the course of my research I have found that navigating the time stream requires discreet amounts of an ultra-rare trans-uranic elemental substance called tempuzine! Without it, time travel is patently ludicrous!
Page 5
SIX PANELS
1 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S head as she rambles on
with her interesting explanation.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
The limited supply of tempuzine available on the planet Earth is divided equally between VALentine Complex and the nefarious B.L.A.H. Corporation!
7 They, unfortunately, also have access to their own time-traveling apparatus!
2 - Close-up of the back of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S head as she
natters on and Z-GIRL continues to take it all in with a wide-eyed stare.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Every time that the B.L.A.H. Corporation decides to change the course of history, we utilize an equal amount of the precious substance to nullify their attempt! Our role is that of counteraction and the preservation of time - never that of deliberate alteration!
Z-GIRL
No...um...of course not!
3 - Suddenly, DOCTOR DENDRITE and Z-GIRL spin around in
alarm as LANCE CORPOREAL shouts to them from off-panel across the room. An alarm sounds.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[off-panel]
DOCTOR! Come quick! We’ve got something!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Naturally, we’ve had our off days - What?
Z-GIRL
Yikes!
SOUND F/X
Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!
4 - LANCE CORPOREAL gestures DOCTOR DENDRITE and Z-GIRL
over to an elaborate monitor-style device, where he and MATCHMAN stand and sit, respectively, attentively noting the readout - which seems to indicate that DOCTOR DEJECTION is on the move again, temporally speaking.
8 DOCTOR DENDRITE [with some urgency, while running]
What is it, LANCE?!?
MATCHMAN
The screen’s lighting up like a Christmas tree on Arbor Day! DOCTOR DEJECTION’S definitely about to make his play for temporal dominance!
LANCE CORPOREAL
By Jove, that’s a distinct tempuzine use signature, all right!
5 - Close-up view of LANCE CORPOREAL, MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL
as they stare in horrified fascination at the time radar screen.
Z-GIRL
I can’t make heads or tails out of this! What am I looking at?
LANCE CORPORAL
Powered up and ready to go...but where? And, more importantly, when?
MATCHMAN
Mother of marmalade! C.E. 33? Could it be... Do you suppose...?
6 - Suddenly, SERGEANT STRIKER comes barreling through the
security door with a paper bag full of bagels!
Z-GIRL
[off-panel]
JESUS Christ!
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Precisely, my dear sidekick!
9 SERGEANT STRIKER
Yo everyone! I got the bagels! What’s up?
Page 6
SIX PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the industrial wasteland that is
northern New Jersey. The speech balloons rise from the horizon.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[off-panel; from the horizon]
I’m going alone to assassinate JESUS and that’s final!
DISCORDIA
[off-panel; from the horizon]
Okay, like, fine! Have it your way, DOCTOR D.! Like, maybe...
CAPTION
What’s up, indeed? Journey now to the secret underground bunker of DOCTOR DEJECTION, somewhere beneath the wastelands of northern New Jersey, and find out!
2 - Interior of the secret B.L.A.H. underground command
bunker in all of its usual sheet-metal glory. There is a peculiar-looking cylindrical contraption in one corner of the cavernous room, with its door open. (It looks somewhat like the sensory deprivation chamber in the movie Altered States.) DOCTOR DEJECTION is putting the finishing touches on his time-traveling outfit, which is the height of first- century fashion - robes and a hood, but rough brown stuff instead of his usual dark blue. DISCORDIA rails at him from one of the swivel command chairs. Her apple is, as usual, evident. DOCTOR DEJECTION is carefully inserting fake feet into the spaces where his feet should be, to cover up the fact that he is hovering.
10 DISCORDIA
...Maybe I don’t even wanna go with ya! How ya like them apples? Huh? Um...what’s with the fake feet?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Camouflage, my dear DISCORDIA, camouflage!
3 - DOCTOR DISCORDIA turns as he inserts fake eyeballs into
the empty spaces that usually depict his nonexistent eyes.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
At the risk of repeating myself, my lovely minion, tempuzine is a very finite substance! We can’t go about wasting it! Only one person can go back in time on this, pardon the pun, crucial mission...
4 - DOCTOR DEJECTION daubs flesh-colored make-up onto his
black face, in order to disguise himself further. He looks into a compact hand mirror as he does this.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...And, since I’m the boss, that one person is, perforce, myself! How do I look?
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
Like a schmuck! Why, like, JESUS, anyway?
5 - DOCTOR DEJECTION heads for the time-travel device. He
waves his hand dismissively at DISCORDIA in passing. Beside the time-travel device, EL BURRO BANDITO mans a complex array of controls.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Ah, how I so adore your marvelously fractured syntax! Because, my golden gamin gadfly, the man known as JESUS of Nazareth is the source of every ideal that I have come to despise! Love thy fellow man - bah! All set, EL BURRO BANDITO?
11 EL BURRO BANDITO [giving the high sign]
Readee to rock an’ roll, mank!
6 - DOCTOR DEJECTION seals himself, upright, into the time-
travel device. We see his ludicrously camouflaged face through a small window as he gives the command to activate the device.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Excellent! Next stop - Galilee, 33 Common Era!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[off-panel]
All seestems ees “go,” boss!
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
Bon, like, voyage!
SOUND F/X
Hrrrrrrmrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Page 7
SIX PANELS
1 - With a mildly disgusting sound, DOCTOR DEJECTION
materializes in the parched desert landscape near the Sea of Galilee, circa C.E. 33. He looks somewhat ridiculous in his disguise.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
This had better be the right time and place, or else I’ll feed that stupid BURRO his own head! Oh, how I loathe the sound of rematerialization!
12 SOUND F/X
Splorch!
2 - Suddenly, DOCTOR DEJECTION spots JESUS speaking to a
bunch of his disciples. All of them are seated in a circle on some rocks in the middle distance. They look about what you’d expect them to look like - Semitic features, beards, longish, unkempt hair, robes, sandals, etc. JESUS is of a cheerful demeanor and is slightly handsomer than the rest. (In fact, JESUS is relentlessly chipper and upbeat throughout this issue - think Mormon proselyte on amphetamines. He’s a really nice guy who loves everyone.)
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
Aha! There he is! Having a little round-robin with some of his disciples, apparently! Time to muscle in on the action! Hope those translation pills that I took beforehand have had time to reach full potency!
3 - As JESUS sits on a rock in the circle of his disciples,
talking in parables, a familiar (to us) gauntlet falls on his shoulder (apparently DOCTOR DEJECTION didn’t see fit to camouflage his hands as well as his lack of feet).
JESUS
<...And what that fellow from Samaria did, you should go and do likewise - eh?>
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[head off-panel]
<Excuse me, teacher, but may I have a word with you?>
4 - JESUS stands up and smiles at DOCTOR DEJECTION face-to-
face. DOCTOR DEJECTION is pulling a blaster pistol from his robes as he speaks to JESUS.
JESUS
<Why, sure you can! What can I do for you, fellow traveler on the road of life?>
13 DOCTOR DEJECTION
<Just hold nice and still, that’s a good fellow...>
5 - DOCTOR DEJECTION cuts JESUS down at point-blank range
with his blaster pistol as the disciples stand around with horrified stares of abject surprise.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
<...While I mow you down at point-blank range! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!>
JESUS
<What a strange - whoops!>
SOUND F/X
Zeeeram!
6 - DOCTOR DEJECTION stands there, blaster pistol in hand,
gloating over a black greasy smudge on the ground that was JESUS a moment ago. Smoke rises from the blast site as the disciples scatter in panic.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
All too easy.
VARIOUS DISCIPLES
Run! Aaaaiiiee! He killed the Master! Oy gewalt! Etc.
Page 8
FOUR PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION, hand to chin and gun tucked under
crossed arm, muses to himself over the smoking remains of JESUS on the ground. He looks perplexed.
14 DOCTOR DEJECTION [thinks]
Actually, that was a little too easy! Something’s not quite kosher here!
2 - A closer view of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S upper body as he
muses. Suddenly, JESUS’S right hand reaches in from off panel to tap him on the shoulder and derail his train of thought.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
I wonder if - huh?
JESUS
A thousand pardons, but, ah...
3 - An amazed DOCTOR DEJECTION gapes in awe at a
resurrected JESUS standing before him, good as new. JESUS seems mildly censurious of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S recent conduct.
JESUS
...Do you really think that was the right thing to do, given the circumstances?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
You! But you’re...you’re...I...
4 - JESUS explains a few things as DOCTOR DEJECTION
continues to stare in bafflement.
JESUS
Oh, for - look, genius, how does one “kill” the omnipotent? Might as well try to arm-wrestle the ocean. But don’t worry - I forgive you!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Um, yes, well, thank you very much...
15
Page 9
TEN PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION blasts JESUS at point-blank range
again, in frustration.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...Now do me a favor and die!
JESUS
Whoa!
SOUND F/X
Zeeeram!
2 - A smiling JESUS, good as new, spreads his arms wide in
front of a highly annoyed DOCTOR DEJECTION. A touch of smoke is in the air.
JESUS
Taah-daaaaah! Sorry, pal! Ain’t gonna happen! Now why don’t you put that device away and come on over to my Mom’s place for some nosh?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I am not believing this!
3,4,5,6,7,8 - In each of these six little panels stretched across the waist of the page, DOCTOR DEJECTION is depicted blasting JESUS to ashes with his blaster pistol. Each assassination attempt should involve slightly different postures, positions etc. JESUS should always look cheerful and DOCTOR DEJECTION should look increasingly harried, freaked and desperate.
9 - DOCTOR DEJECTION flees as a cheerful and whole JESUS
pursues him, still talking. DOCTOR DEJECTION is speaking into a communicator device on his wrist as he runs. He seems a bit panicked by circumstance.
16 DOCTOR DEJECTION
The devil with this! EL BURRO BANDITO, come in, come in, EL BURRO BANDITO! I command you to shift me forward a few months in the time stream! It’s time to switch to Plan B!
JESUS
Hey! Come back! You can kill me a few more times if it makes you feel any better, you know!
10 - DOCTOR DEJECTION dematerializes back into the time
stream before a surprised JESUS in hot pursuit. EL BURRO BANDITO’S disembodied voice speaks from the air.
EL BURRO BANDITO
[from the air]
Readjoo loud an’ clear, boss! Activateeng...now!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
What a fiasco!
JESUS
Well, you don’t see that every day!
SOUND F/X
Splorch!
Page 10
SIX PANELS
1 - Back in the VALCom Tempus Fugit chamber, we see a
close-up of the temporal radar screen. MATCHMAN’S right arm reaches in from off-panel to indicate a blinking light on the screen. It’s all very futuristic.
17 MATCHMAN [off-panel]
There! That’s got it! We’ve finally got a clear fix on that scoundrel!
LANCE CORPOREAL
[off-panel]
He must have made a succession of minor jumps within the target period!
SOUND F/X
Pa-twiiing!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, back in the present and one hundred feet below the surface in the Tempus Fugit chamber...
2 - MATCHMAN leaps to his feet, determined to set off at
once to fight his eternal foe. He strikes a classic pose. Z-GIRL, nearby, appears skeptical of his zeal.
MATCHMAN
I must handle this alone! Hurry! To the Time Hatch! There’s no...um...time to lose!
Z-GIRL
Wait a minute. If we have control over time, what’s the rush?
3 - Quickly, LANCE drapes a coarse brown hooded robe over
MATCHMAN’S shoulders, while DOCTOR DENDRITE tosses a translation pill into his open mouth.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Right! Native garb, coming up!
18 DOCTOR DENDRITE
And don’t forget your translation pill! Remember that little incident back in 1914 that could have been avoided?
MATCHMAN
[mouth open]
I haid I ah horree!
4 - MATCHMAN pauses, half in and half out of the open
yellow-and-black-striped Time Hatch. Even in his native garb, he looks heroic. Z-GIRL speaks to him.
MATCHMAN
I’m sorry, Z-GIRL, but it’s too dangerous in the past for sidekicks! Besides, there’s only enough tempuzine for one person to go it solo!
Z-GIRL
Who’s volunteering? Just bring your bad self home safe, big guy!
5 - The Time Hatch slams shut. A strange light flashes. A
characteristic sound fills the air of the chamber.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel; within hatch]
No one’s going to assassinate JESUS while MATCHMAN is around!
SOUND F/X
Splorch!
6 - DOCTOR DENDRITE and LANCE CORPOREAL share some
observations on the nature of the task at hand, while Z- GIRL regard the Time Hatch with a puzzled (and mildly disgusted) expression.
19 DOCTOR DENDRITE
Of course, you do realize that this situation begs the question, “How does one effectively threaten - or defend, for that matter - the omnipotent?”
LANCE CORPOREAL
Quite right, old shoe! Not to mention, “How does one effectively assassinate a man who has the power to return from the dead at will?”
Z-GIRL
Is it supposed to go “splorch” like that?
Page 11
FOUR PANELS
1 - Long distance shot of the roof of the Temple at
Jerusalem. (No, I don’t know what it looks like, either - just try to make it look ancient and vaguely Judaic in architectural style.) At one extreme of the roof stands the tiny figure of JESUS. At the other extreme is the figure of DOCTOR DEJECTION. Throughout this rooftop encounter, DOCTOR DEJECTION appears threatening and shadowy, only vaguely discernable. He is wearing no robes for a change, nor gauntlets. His face has returned to its creepy norm. He appears to be sporting small horns on his head. He looks particularly evil and vaguely Satanesque. (It is open to debate as to whether he actually is Satan or just impersonating Satan.)
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I suppose you’re wondering why I asked you here today, JESUS!
JESUS
Nice of you to invite me! Satan, I presume?
20 CAPTION
Meanwhile...some months later in the past...on the roof of the Temple at Jerusalem...
2 - DOCTOR DEJECTION and JESUS engage in a close-up face-
off. JESUS is his usual perky self.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Close enough for government work! You’re a very powerful fellow, JESUS! Ever thought of ruling the world?
JESUS
Maaaaaybe... Why?
3 - DOCTOR DEJECTION, his arm around JESUS’S shoulders,
indicates with his other arm the broad sweep of the countryside from the roof of the TEMPLE. It’s a fairly broad sweep - enough to indicate all of the nations of the earth. JESUS looks a bit uncomfortable at the familiar contact.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Why? Because I can give you all of this! I can give you domination over the entire earth! Just say the word and it’s yours, my lad! Just say the word!
JESUS
Now just hold on a second there, bub!
4 - JESUS breaks away and turns to face DOCTOR DEJECTION.
He looks disappointed at his opposite’s conduct.
JESUS
[in a friendly lecture tone]
Don’t think I haven’t thought this through! What possible good could direct temporal leadership do me? It would be fleeting at best! Not to mention, impolite! After all, what makes you think folks
21 want me to rule them? They are neither yours to give, nor mine to take! I’m more about good advice than tyranny! Duh!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Grrrrrr...Oh for crying out loud!
Page 12
FOUR PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION argues with JESUS on the roof of the
Temple. Nice panorama of the countryside. JESUS looks smug. His arms are folded.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Listen to yourself! You can’t stand there and honestly tell me that you have absolutely no interest in ruling the world with an iron fist!
JESUS
I prefer to leave the fisting to those of your ilk!
2 - JESUS talks, up close and personal. We see the back of
DOCTOR DEJECTION’S horned head as he listens in disbelief.
JESUS
Look, I don’t care who you really are - you’re being silly! You can’t rule the world if you can’t rule yourself. You can’t bring good to the world if you’re evil to everyone in the process. Be good yourself, and the world will become that much better. Eventually, no one will be allowed to rule it, because rulership will no longer be necessary! Capisce?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I fail to see the logic of your position!
3 - Now it’s DOCTOR DEJECTION’S turn to go off on a rant.
22 DOCTOR DEJECTION
Whatever happened to absolute power corrupting absolutely?
JESUS
[smiling]
Who do you know who has absolute power?
4 - An exasperated DOCTOR DEJECTION vanishes in a flash of
light and a noisome sound. JESUS laughs quietly to himself.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Rrrrrrgh! You are the most exasperating...I’m outta here! I’ve got a dinner date that I don’t want to miss! Ha ha ha ha!
JESUS
I’ll save you a seat...”DOC!”
SOUND F/X
Splorch!
Page 13
FOUR PANELS
1 - Here we see a panorama of the crowded, teeming, exotic
streets of downtown Jerusalem during the Roman occupation of Palestine, shortly before the punitive invasion of the emperor Titus. Among the ragged throng strides MATCHMAN, purposeful in his brown robe of disguise.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Well, I made it through all right! Now I’ve got to find JESUS before DOCTOR DEJECTION does!
23
2 - MATCHMAN walks the narrow alleys, staring at the
vendors of various products. Jews in native dress mix with Roman centurions in a potpourri of civilizations. Everything looks dusty.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Gee, antiquity really stinks! When was the bathtub invented?
3 - MATCHMAN huddles in a corner of an alleyway,
frantically thumbing through a small Gideon New Testament. The title of the book should be prominently displayed.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
No street address listed for the Last Supper! This could be trickier than I thought! I’ll just have to wing it!
4 - MATCHMAN accosts a prosperous, robed Jew in the street
and asks him for directions, by virtue of his translation pill (thus the brackets in the speech balloon, to indicate the use of Aramaic in the conversation). The Jew looks somewhat perplexed at the question - understandably so.
MATCHMAN
[in Aramaic]
<Pardon me, sir, but could you tell me where the Last Supper was held?>
PROSPEROUS JEW
[in Aramaic]
<I don’t know about you, but the last supper I had was at my brother Hymie’s place yesterday!>
Page 14
FOUR PANELS
1 - Long shot of JESUS leading his string of thirteen
disciples along a narrow street of Jerusalem. JUDAS is at
24 the end of the line. JUDAS is stocky, even heavyset, with red hair, eyebrows, and beard. He looks mean.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, on the way to the Last Supper...
2 - Suddenly, a familiar gauntleted hand reaches out from
around a corner and yanks JUDAS backwards by the collar. He is visibly surprised. The other apostles keep on going without noticing anything.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from behind corner]
Yoink!
JUDAS
What the - !?!
3 - A view of the corner. From behind it come the sounds of
a brutal beating, as DOCTOR DEJECTION subdues JUDAS with force.
SOUND F/X
Whap! Bam! Thunk! Krak! Wham! Etc.
4 - DOCTOR DEJECTION, in a fairly unconvincing JUDAS
disguise, which consists of his earlier “human” disguise plus a red beard and eyebrows, hurries out from behind the corner at the urging of one of the apostles, from off-panel left.
APOSTLE
[off-panel left]
<Hey! JUDAS! Get a move on! We’re going to be late for Passover dinner, ya big mook!>
DOCTOR DEJECTION
<Hang on, I’m coming!>
25
Page 15
ONE PANEL
1 - This entire page is essentially a parody of Leonardo da
Vinci’s famous Last Supper painting. The layout is exactly the same, with a disguised DOCTOR DEJECTION in place of
JUDAS.
JESUS
Oh, for - look, guys, this isn’t brain surgery, it’s transubstantiation!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
Even if I can’t kill him and I can’t corrupt him, perhaps I can still usurp and pervert his teachings! Hmmm...
PETER
Um, which was the blood and which was the body, again?
JAMES
I don’t suppose I could have a spare set of keys to Heaven, bro, just in case?
JOHN
[thinks]
“In the beginning was the...was the...paragraph?” No, that’s not gonna do it. “In the beginning was the...” Rrrgh!
THOMAS
I’m not buying this malarkey for a minute! Humph!
ANDREW
Waitress, there’s a fly in my soup!
26 MATTHEW
Man oh Manischewitz!
MARK
So, LUKE, what do you recommend for a throbbing pain in the extremities?
LUKE
Take two leeches and call me in the morning!
APOSTLE NUMBER TEN
O.K., so a rabbi and a centurion walk into a bar...
APOSTLE NUMBER ELEVEN
What about bingo?
APOSTLE NUMBER TWELVE
Hey, pass the kumquats!
APOSTLE NUMBER THIRTEEN
Separate checks!
Page 16
FOUR PANELS
1 - Night in the Garden of Gethsemane. As his disciples
sleep on the ground in various positions among the shrubbery, JESUS paces about. Behind him, unseen, DOCTOR DEJECTION is advancing in a threatening manner through the shadows.
2 - Here we see MATCHMAN peering through some bushes at the
disciples’ encampment.
27 MATCHMAN [thinks]
Finally! There they are! But wait - is that who I think it is?
3 - DOCTOR DEJECTION gets even closer to the back of the
pacing JESUS. We can now see that he’s holding a syringe in his hand, all ready to plunge into JESUS’S back.
4 - A close-up of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S hand with the syringe,
as MATCHMAN’S hand grabs it at the wrist.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Time’s up, DOCTOR DEJECTION! Unhand your intravenous weapon of doom!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[off-panel]
MATCHMAN?!? Here? Now? How did you - ?
Page 17
FOUR PANELS
1 - The syringe falls to the ground and breaks as MATCHMAN
and DOCTOR DEJECTION tussle over it.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Rrrrgh! Let go of that! I need it to sedate
JESUS!
MATCHMAN
No dice, crime boss! No one sticks a hypodermic into JESUS while I’m around!
2 - MATCHMAN and DOCTOR DEJECTION square off in a classic
combat pose. They both look vaguely ridiculous in their respective disguises - especially DOCTOR DEJECTION.
28 MATCHMAN
Great disguise, by the way! What are those - fake feet? How lame! And those googly eyeballs? You look like the Cookie Monster!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
“C” is for “concussion,” and that’s good enough for me! Prepare for grievous bodily harm,
MATCHMAN!
3 - MATCHMAN and DOCTOR DEJECTION, locked in mortal combat,
both look up in surprise simultaneously as an admonishing voice rings out.
JESUS
[off-panel]
Sit down!
4 - Both MATCHMAN and DOCTOR DEJECTION sit, docile and
wide-eyed, on the ground. JESUS stands before them, lecturing cheerfully.
JESUS
There! That’s better! Violence always creates more problems than it solves! You two of all people should know that by now!
Page 18
SIX PANELS
1 - JESUS lectures everyone’s favorite protagonist and
antagonist as they sit at his feet.
JESUS
After all, I should think that you, MATCHMAN, should be heartily sick of such counter- productive behavior - even if DOCTOR DEJECTION isn’t, and never will be!
29
2 - DOCTOR DEJECTION asks a question, and JESUS answers it.
JESUS is unflaggingly chipper throughout, as he always is.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
How do you know our names?
JESUS
Well, I could say that there are no surprises for the omniscient, or I could simply point out that you have just addressed each other by name in my presence! Which works for you?
3 - JESUS continues to lecture.
JESUS
It isn’t as if you two are the first time travelers that I’ve had to contend with! People are always coming back to gum up the works! If it isn’t to assassinate, it’s to interrupt, and if it isn’t to interrupt, it’s to broadcast footage of the Crucifixion on live television!*
CAPTION
*The interested should read Gore Vidal’s Live from Golgotha if they would like an example of the latter scenario!
4 - JESUS keeps on talking. Perhaps he kneels and stares
into the faces of his captive audience for emphasis from time to time.
JESUS
I’m constantly having to re-assert the original pattern of my own life, career and death in real time! People don’t seem to understand that it isn’t me that’s important, it’s the message that’s important!
5 - Close-up of JESUS’S face as he imparts the big secret.
30 JESUS
It’s really very simple! All you have to do is be nice to other people once in a while! To regard others with the same regard and esteem as you regard yourself! That’s it! That’s all there is to it! Is that so hard to comprehend?
6 - JESUS winds up his lecture.
JESUS
As a fellow named Paul will eventually write: “The letter kills; the spirit brings life.” You shouldn’t get too caught up in the words of things. The important thing is do right - and you know darn well when you’re not! You can feel it inside when you’re wrong! Can’t you?
Page 19
FOUR PANELS
1 - JESUS turns away from our protagonist and antagonist as
they sit on the ground listening to him. He appears suddenly preoccupied with something else - something a little more important.
JESUS
Well, anyway, so much for the soapboxing. I should be going now. Those centurions will be along any minute, and I have to go and give myself up, or else no one will ever get the point of the message.
MATCHMAN
Wait a minute!
2 - JESUS turns back, with a quiet smile, as MATCHMAN
expostulates.
31 MATCHMAN
If you’re arrested, they’ll kill you! This is a matter of life and death!
JESUS
Matters of life and death are less important than you might think!
3 - As JESUS walks away, MATCHMAN asks him one last
pertinent question.
MATCHMAN
Are you really the Son of God?
4 - JESUS turns, smiles, and answers.
JESUS
Does it matter?
Page 20
FOUR PANELS
1 - The first panel is very large and covers most of the
page. It is simply a medium-distance dramatic depiction of Golgotha and the Crucifixion: JESUS, the two thieves, the soldiers, the mourning crowd, the storm-filled sky, the works. Nothing makes a sound - in fact, this entire page is soundless in order to heighten the impact.
2 - This is the first of the three smaller panels that
occupy the bottom of the page. In the lower left corner, we see a close-up shot of MATCHMAN staring in saddened awe, tears streaming down his cheeks, at the crucifixion of
JESUS.
3 - The second small panel, in the middle of the bottom of
the page, depicts JESUS smiling and giving a surreptitious “thumbs up” sign with a gory hand to MATCHMAN as he hangs on the cross. Despite his circumstances, he still seems to be in a fairly good mood.
32
4 - The last small panel, at the lower right, consists of a
close-up of DOCTOR DEJECTION, watching the entire spectacle, and looking somewhat pensive, even in his ludicrous disguise.
Page 21
THREE PANELS
1 - As the Roman centurions take JESUS’S limp body down
from the cross under a stormy sky, DOCTOR DEJECTION, in the immediate foreground, turns slightly towards the reader, index finger raised in a standard “eureka” position, and gets a wonderful, awful idea.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks]
That’s it! I’ll ambush him in his tomb, immobilize him so that he may not escape, and take his place for the resurrection! I’ll make his religion one of savage intolerance and persecution, instead of all of this meekness and sacrifice garbage!
2 - As DOCTOR DEJECTION hotfoots it towards the cemetery
(running as best as he can on his artificial feet, MATCHMAN catches a glimpse of him running away, and follows in hot pursuit.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Aha! So there he goes! I’d better follow him to make sure he doesn’t try to desecrate the corpse!
3 - DOCTOR DEJECTION arrives at the mouth of the tomb
intended for JESUS’S body, in the midst of the cemetery, which is an area of rocky cliffs full of similar holes, most of which are provided with large stones with which to seal them - or which have already been used to seal them. MATCHMAN, following behind, sees this.
33 DOCTOR DEJECTION [thinks]
And here we are! I’ll just conceal myself in the sepulchre, and when they bring him in, I’ll just pile a few slabs on top of him! That should keep him from coming back, dead or alive!
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
A posthumous ambush? That’s pretty low, even for DOCTOR DEJECTION! Let’s just see what we can do about that!
Page 22
FOUR PANELS
1 - MATCHMAN puts his shoulder to the boulder that is
sitting next to mouth of the tomb that DOCTOR DEJECTION is hiding in. He strains, and pushes it across the mouth of the tomb, sealing it tightly.
MATCHMAN
Urrrrrrggggghh!
SOUND F/X
Rrrrrumble!
2 - The boulder rolls across the mouth of the tomb, and
seals it. Close-up shot for emphasis.
SOUND F/X
Krrrrunch! Thunk!
3 - The funeral party carrying JESUS’S body arrives,
escorted by Roman soldiers. JOSEPH is among them. They seem consternated to see that the tomb in which JESUS was supposed to be interred has already been used for another. (The translation pill works for Latin as well.)
34 ROMAN CENTURION
<Hey, what gives? We had orders to plant this rabble-rouser here, in this specific tomb! Whattaya mean it ain’t vacant?>
MATCHMAN
<Sorry, officer! Emergency interment! Couldn’t be avoided! Special circumstances!>
4 - JOSEPH speaks up from among the entourage of mourners,
in order to volunteer his family tomb for the interment of the body of JESUS.
JOSEPH
<Look, officer, my name’s JOSEPH, and if it’ll make things any easier for you, my family tomb is right across the way! You could bury JESUS there, instead!>
ROMAN CENTURION
<Yeah, whatever! Let’s get this show on the road! It’s getting late!>
MATCHMAN
<Say, would you like a hand with that boulder?>
Page 23
FOUR PANELS
1 - Interior of the VALCom conference room, with the big
round conference table, seated at which are MATCHMAN, Z- GIRL, LANCE CORPOREAL, DOCTOR DENDRITE, SERGEANT STRIKER and SUZANNE GRACE. Daylight floods the room. MATCHMAN is delivering his debriefing, still clad in his brown robe disguise. He looks a bit dazed by his experiences.
35 MATCHMAN
...And then I had SERGEANT STRIKER bring me in! And there you have it! I’m not even sure if the mission was successful or not!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Of course it was, SCOTT...
CAPTION
Afterwards, two thousand years in the future at VALentine Complex...
2 - Same people at the same conference table, but now the
angle of the view has shifted a bit.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
...After all, JESUS obviously wanted things to pan out the way they did! If you had saved him, you would have altered history in a fundamental way - perhaps for the worse!
Z-GIRL
Was JESUS really the Son of God, MATCHMAN?
MATCHMAN
I dunno, Z-GIRL...
3 - MATCHMAN delivers his soliloquy in a moving close-up,
with a faraway look in his eyes.
MATCHMAN
...But he was without a doubt a really nice, caring guy and went a long way towards furthering the practice of love in a hostile world! I wish I could have saved him, but that would have short- circuited the impact of his message! He had to die...so, in a weird way, DOCTOR DEJECTION was right - and I was wrong! It’s a sort of moral paradox...
36
4 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL, still talking around the table as
the others look on in the background.
MATCHMAN
...And so, in a sense, I suppose that even DOCTOR DEJECTION served a purpose in all this! Things sure do work in mysterious ways, don’t they?
Z-GIRL
Hey, what ever happened to DOCTOR DEJECTION, anyway?
Page 24
SIX PANELS
1 - It is now night in the cemetery, where we see the
exterior of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S stone-sealed tomb, by the light of an ample moon. Our antagonist’s thought balloon emerges from the blocked entrance to the tomb.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from within]
Now is the time! I shall emerge and, impersonating the risen JESUS, lead a religious crusade that will conquer the world - or, at the very least, change history somewhat for the worst! Thus begins the age of DEJECTION! Hahaha!
1 - Exterior shot of the tomb, as before. From inside come
the straining sounds of DOCTOR DEJECTION rising from his burial place and trying to dislodge the massive rock which seals the tomb’s entrance.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from within]
Hmmm...there appears to be a large (hrrmmff!) rock...blocking the (urgh!)...exit...all right...just have to...(rrrrrrgh!) shift it...(rrrrrkh!)...
37 SOUND F/X
Clatter! Scrape! Clunk! Clink!
3 - Exterior of the moonlit tomb, as DOCTOR DEJECTION gives
up his efforts in frustration.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from within]
Crap.
4 - A resurrected JESUS walks jauntily past the sealed door
of the tomb, to which he waves cheerfully. A halo surrounds his head; he’s bleeding from his hands, feet and side. He appears to be in the best of spirits, and amused at DOCTOR DEJECTION’S predicament.
JESUS
See ya later!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from within]
Oh for...
5 - Exterior of the tomb, within which DOCTOR DEJECTION
gives up and radios EL BURRO BANDITO, across the ages, for immediate retrieval.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[speaking within tomb]
(Sigh.) EL BURRO BANDITO? Are you there? Retrieve me at once. I have accomplished nothing.
EL BURRO BANDITO
[disembodied radio voice speaking within tomb]
Choo gots it, mank!
6 - Exterior of the moon-drenched tomb. The disgusting
sound of time-travel signals the end of another failed B.L.A.H. gambit.
38 SOUND F/X
Splorch!
THE END
39