The Matchman
Page 1
THREE PANELS
1 - The comic opens with a shot of green countryside, with
the occasional house scattered here and there and a large limited-access highway running serenely through it all. A long distance view.
CAPTION
For once, we leave the stifling confines of the concrete canyons of the big, bad city...
2 - Traveling northward, we see in the distance a large,
fancy sort of country estate grow larger in the distance. It is the middle of spacious grounds, surrounded by a high wrought-iron fence topped with spikes, with a gate in the center. It looks, despite all of its whitewashed sterility, somewhat gothic and threatening, although there is no ovet hint of this in its architecture.
CAPTION
...And travel instead to the rustic peace and quiet of lovely Chappaqua, Connecticut...
3 - The front façade of the estate-looking building fills
the panel. This close in, we can see the high-tech security features, video camera, bars on the windows, coils of razor
1 wire on the eaves and the fence, and the name of this august institution in wrought iron over the front gates.
CAPTION
...Home of the infamous Rackham Asylum for the Criminally Insane!
Page 2
THREE PANELS
1 - Interior shot of a corridor lined with five or six
identical cell doors, each obviously and incredibly well- locked, with little observation windows with sliding doors over them in their upper middle quadrants. Muttered voices come form behind some of these doors. Each of the doors has a number on it for identification purposes. They run in sequence.
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THIRTEEN
Chchappaquaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER FOURTEEN
Hahahahahahahahahahah(choke)hahahah...
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER FIFTEEN
Stop me! Stop me before I kill again!
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER SIXTEEN
...So what you are saying is, then, that not only do you possess extraordinary abilities, but that your hated twin brother does as well?
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER SEVENTEEN
That’s right, lady! And when I bust outta here...
2 VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER EIGHTEEN
...And when Bill and that Polynesian midget got gunned down execution-style in that parking garage I thought to myself, I thought...
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER NINETEEN
The but-ter...is the Re-pub-li-can Par-ty...
2 - The next panel centers upon just the doors leading to
cells numbered “Sixteen” and “Seventeen.” The reader begins to detect some familiar themes.
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER SEVENTEEN
I’m gonna make sure he gets what’s coming to him!
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER SIXTEEN
How utterly fascinating! So you have a plan for escape, then? Do tell!
3 - Here we have a close-up of the shuttered observation
window for the door to cell number “Seventeen.” The number of the cell is visible below the little window.
VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR NUMBER SEVENTEEN (SUPER FICIAL!)
Well, okay, but you’d better be able to keep a secret - or else face the awesome wrath of
SUPER FICIAL!
CAPTION
Some criminals are more insane than others!
Page 3
FOUR PANELS
1 - Here we see inside cell number “Seventeen.” SUPER
FICIAL! sits slumped in the corner of his padded cell, wrapped securely in a straitjacket. He isn’t wearing his
3 costume, but rather white hospital-issue pajamas. He has a stubbly growth of beard and his long hair is stringy and unwashed. He looks positively demented.
SUPER FICIAL!
All I have to do is sit tight and wait for my, uh, partner, DOCTOR DEJECTION, to get me out of this cell! He’s sprung me from every other maximum-security joint in the tri-state area over the past couple of years!
2 - SUPER FICIAL! gets to his knees and crawls over to a
wall in his cell - the one that divides it from cell number “Sixteen.” We see a small tear in the padding at a point on that wall.
SUPER FICIAL!
I’m not making this up! He’ll come and rescue me! He always has!
3 - Profile view of a frenzied SUPER FICIAL! talking to
what is indeed a tiny hole in the wall. A beam of stray light falls through the hole and shines upon his face as he screams.
SUPER FICIAL!
He’s real! I’m real! We’re real! All real! You believe me, don’t you? Say you believe me!
4 - We look through the small hole from SUPER FICIAL’S
viewpoint and see only a very sexy eye, with a deep brown iris. From the lashes we can tell that it belongs to a very beautiful woman - whom we will soon come to know as the diabolical WILHELMINA VON KENYA!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Shhh...Ja, ja, meine liebe schatze, I believe you! But who is this DOCTOR DEJECTION person, hmmm?
4
Page 4
FOUR PANELS
1 - SUPER FICIAL! speaks into the hole in the wall of his
padded cell. The hole speaks back to him.
SUPER FICIAL!
Like I said, he’s my...partner! He aids me in my quest for revenge!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel - through the hole]
Is he possessed of super powers like your brother, by any chance?
2 - SUPER FICIAL! slumps back in the corner of his cell,
thinking heavily. He looks dazed and confused. WILHELMINA is obviously pumping him for useful information.
SUPER FICIAL!
Well, I...no...not like my brother, exactly...
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[the hole is off-panel, here]
Just what, precisely, is your brother capable of doing?
3 - Close-up of SUPER FICIAL!’S face as it becomes a mask
of snarling rage.
SUPER FICIAL!
He can fly, and he’s super-strong...also he has this thing that he calls his “MatchSpider Radar,” which allows him to locate anything, anywhere, it seems...rrr! How I loathe my brother!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[with intense interest -- hole off-panel, again]
Oh, reeeeaaaaallllllly?
5
4 - Close-up of the beautiful eye through the hole in the
wall of the cell.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
What did you say your brother’s name was, again?
Page 5
FOUR PANELS
1 - Interior of cell number “Sixteen.” In contrast to SUPER
FICIAL!’S cell, this one is a bit more shadowy. All we can see of WILHELMINA VON KENYA is a shadowy form in hospital pajamas (she isn’t wearing a straitjacket). While in real life she’s a tall, statuesque black woman with short, sculpted hair, looking much like Grace Jones circa 1980 (think the cover of the Warm Leatherette album, without the sunglasses just yet), we don’t get to see that much of her until later. Just a silhouette here, that struggles to regain her balance as a explosive blast shakes the building beneath her feet.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Hoch himmel! Was ist das?!?
SUPER FICIAL!
[from hole in wall of cell]
Whoops! That’s him! Gotta go!
SOUND F/X
Thoom! Rummmmmmmmmmmmmmble!
CAPTION
Suddenly!
2 - Close-up of the hole in the cell wall, from
WILHELMINA’S point of view. A shapely, manicured black hand is splayed against the wall to the right of the hole as she steadies herself. Through the hole we can see SUPER FICIAL!’S bloodshot eye as he says good-bye.
6 SUPER FICIAL!
It was nice talking to you, lady!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Nein! Wait! You cannot go! You must first tell me his name!
3 - Close-up of SUPER FICIAL!’S bloodshot eye filling the
hole as he responds.
SUPER FICIAL!
He goes by the name of MATCHMAN. That’s his super-hero name, anyway. But his real name is...
4 - Shot of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S head in silhouette as
she rears up in triumph, her right hand curled into a fist of sudden success. All we can see of her in the gloom is her beautiful, and yet quintessentially evil, smile of glee.
SUPER FICIAL!
[hole off-panel]
...SCOTT SUFFIX!
Page 6
SIX PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of Rackham Asylum. There is a big, gaping
hole in the wall of one wing that still smokes somewhat, although any fires have been put out.
CAPTION
The following day...
2 - View of the ceiling of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S cell. A
small ventilation hole, with fan, occupies the center of the ceiling. A metal grate, not too fine, covers the ventilation hole. A small, shadowy form lurks at the top of
7 the ventilation shaft. This, as we will eventually see, is WILHELMINA’S flying, talking dachshund sidekick,
SCHLINKENHAMMER.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
You are late, SCHLINK!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
A thousand apologies, meine Fuehrerin!
3 - Same view, but this time a small, slim metal cylinder
with a button on one end comes slithering down the ventilation duct as SCHLINKENHAMMER drops it to his mistress.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Did you bring the device?
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Jawohl! Here it comes!
SOUND F/X
Clink! Clatter!
4 - Close-up shot of a beautiful black right hand, with
lacquered red nails, holding the thin cylindrical device, thumb on the button.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Excellent! I will rendezvous with you back at our secret base, then! Make all haste, SCHLINK...
5 - The hand presses the button and a weird white light
springs out to envelop everything in the room.
8 WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
...We have much to do!
SOUND F/X
Klik! Vowmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
6 - Shot of an empty cell number “Sixteen.” Its occupant
and her mysterious device have vanished without a trace. Shadows crawl about.
CAPTION
Vanished into thin air! Who is this mysterious villain? And what does she want with MATCHMAN?
Page 7
SIX PANELS
1 - A typical long-distance cityscape of the borough of
Manhattan, about midday. It focuses on the northern end of Central Park. A speech balloon wafts up from below.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
[off-panel, whispering]
Don’t you think it’s time we tried an alternate method, meine Fuehrerin?
2 - Here we see a view of WILHELMINA VON KENYA from behind.
Her tall, slim, statuesque form is wrapped in a brown belted raincoat, complete with a hat of the same color with a wide brim. She is also wearing round-lensed sunglasses of a depthless black, which we can’t really see right now because we’re looking at her back, down to about mid-thigh. She holds the end of a leash with one hand. She is walking on a semi-crowded sidewalk across Central Park West from the Park itself.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Silence, my sweet pickle! We are sure to find one sooner or later!
9 SCHLINKENHAMMER [whispering, off-panel, from below]
You know I hate it when you refer to me affectionately as a food!
3 - Lower-angle shot of the two of them walking along
purposefully. WILHELMINA is wearing black high-heeled leather boots on her feet. SCHLINKENHAMMER trots hurriedly along on a leash by her side. Despite the sunny weather, he is wearing a black-and-red doggy coat so that his wings are hidden. He is panting; his tongue hangs out. He looks up at her as he addresses her petulantly.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
[whispering]
And don’t you think that it’s a bit warm for me to be wearing this ridiculous coat?
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel, from above]
Silence, I said! Do you want people to see your wings? It’s bad enough that you will not stop talking!
4 - Shot of a telephone booth in the foreground - with,
wonder of wonders, a public telephone book still chained within in! In the distance, the indistinct figures of WILHELMINA and her unusual dog hurry toward it.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
At last! I was beginning to wonder if there were any phone booths left in this city with a phone book still inside!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
[sotto voce]
Danke Gott!
5 - WILHELMINA, in her coat, hat and sunglasses, stands in
the booth as she looks up a name in the tattered phone book. The dog leash dangles from her wrist. Again, she is
10 cut off about thigh-high by the bottom of the panel. Her back is still turned slightly towards the viewer, who has not as yet gotten a good look at her in all her glory.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[muttering to herself]
Hmmm...let us see...O,P,Q,R,S...
6 - Close-up of the telephone book page she is looking at.
It’s a White Pages business listing, with “Suffix, Dr. Scott” listed next to a telephone number extension. Her beautifully manicured blood-red fingernail underscores the listing triumphantly.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Punktzahl!*
CAPTION
*”Score!”
Page 8
SIX PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the Columbia University Genetic
Research Center, in the daytime. The name of the building is prominently displayed upon its façade.
CAPTION
...And so, uptown at Dr. Suffix’s place of business...
2 - Over WILHELMINA’S raincoated left shoulder, we see a
receptionist at a desk go all cutesy over the admittedly adorable figure of SCHLINKENHAMMER, who is cradled in her arms and whose head sticks out past her body to the immediate left of her left shoulder. SCHLINK looks annoyed.
11 RECEPTIONIST
Ooooooh, he’s sooooo CUUUUUTE! He’s just like a little walking sausage!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
I personally find him rather delightful. May I bring him into the facility with me, then?
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Grrrrrrrr...
3 - Here we see DR. SCOTT SUFFIX going over some paperwork
at his desk in his book-lined office. He wears reading glasses. He does not even look up as he speaks, being preoccupied with business matters. Beyond him the door to his office creaks open and a shadowy figure wearing a hat and a raincoat begins to emerge. She holds something in her right hand. SCHLINK is walking on the ground again.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Yes? Hello? How can I help you?
SOUND F/X
Creeeeeeaaaaaaaak...
4 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA approaches the desk menacingly,
holding a small, futuristic-looking spray canister. SCOTT is too surprised to react, as she raises it and points it at his head. She is still rather obscured from the reader’s viewpoint.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
I’m so glad that you asked me that, HERR DOKTOR
SUFFIX...
SCOTT SUFFIX
What the - ?!?
12
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA sprays SCOTT SUFFIX in the face
with knockout gas. He immediately begins to lose consciousness.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
...I’m so glad that you asked me that!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Unnnnhhhh! Knockout gas! Losing... consciousness...
SOUND F/X
Fsssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh!
6 - SCOTT’S head collapses on his desk with a loud ‘clunk’
as he lapses into unconsciousness.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
And so phase one is complete!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
[off-panel]
I never doubted you for a moment, meine Fueherin!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
And...everything...went...black...
SOUND F/X
Clunk!
Page 9
SIX PANELS
13
1 - Exterior shot of the VALCom Headquarters building, in
midtown, in broad daylight. It looks to be getting on towards late afternoon, by the slant of the sunlight.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, at VALCom HQ...
2 - Z-GIRL is in the lounge area getting a cup of coffee
when her aunt SUZANNE GRACE walks in, looking worried and agitated.
SUZANNE GRACE
AZUSA, have you seen MATCHMAN around today?
Z-GIRL
Not me, AUNT SUZANNE! I just got back from visiting DOCTOR DENDRITE in the Intensive Care Facility on Level Five. Still no change in her condition.
3 - The two of them stand in the little kitchenette,
talking. Z-GIRL sips her coffee while SUZANNE GRACE paces and continues to air her concerns.
SUZANNE GRACE
O.K., this is bad! This is very bad! You haven’t seen him, SERGEANT STRIKER hasn’t seen him, LANCE hasn’t seen him! It’s like he’s disappeared! This just isn’t like him!
Z-GIRL
Oh, c’mon - don’t be such a worry-wart! We haven’t had an alert all day - he’s probably on stand-down at home catching up on his sleep!
4 - SUZANNE GRACE leans against the counter, holding
herself and rubbing her upper arms as though she felt cold. She is isolated in this medium-distance shot. She looks very worried about MATCHMAN’S whereabouts.
14 SUZANNE GRACE
I just - it’s one of those feelings. I feel cold all over, inside and out. I know something’s not right with him - I can sense it!
Z-GIRL
[off-panel]
Now you’ve got me worried! Maybe we better check up on him - and pronto!
5 - This panel looks as though the viewer were inside of an
eye that was just beginning to flutter open after a long sleep. The eye, of course, belongs to SCOTT SUFFIX, as he regains consciousness. Note that what little he does manage to see of the room that he is in (see Page 10 for a full description) is upside-down.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel, effectively]
Unnnnhhhh...my head...what...
SCHLINKENHAMMER
[off-panel]
He’s coming around! He’s coming around!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Silence, my little pumpernickel loaf!
6 - SCOTT’S eye is now slowly opening up from its original
slitted viewpoint. He’s still understandably groggy.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel, effectively]
Wh-where am I?
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Welcome, HERR DOKTOR SUFFIX! Welcome...
15
Page 10
ONE PANEL
1 - Giant splash panel, as SCOTT wakes up to find himself
stripped to his boxer-briefs and shackled upside-down to the wall of WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S rather Gothically decorated apartment. He wears a futuristic-looking hi-tech collar around his neck that almost but doesn’t quite obscure his mouth. His arms are out to his sides and his legs are splayed in a ‘V.’ The room is fairly large and grim-looking, with lit candles and Nazi regalia everywhere, including a large Nazi battle flag, crossed SS daggers, a portrait of Adolf Hitler, a copy of Mein Kampf next to the bed, that sort of thing. Posters of castles in Bavaria are on the brick walls. There is also a great deal of inexplicable science-fictiony machinery and devices scattered about the place. The apartment has a small balcony, too, for future reference. (It’s still late afternoon outside.) There is also a small table with a bottle of tequila, some limes and a salt shaker on it. There are about fifteen flying dachshunds poised about the room, some sitting on chairs or on the bed, some hovering about in midair like hummingbirds. (All but SCHLINKENHAMMER are artificial, for future reference.) SCHLINK himself hovers near WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S head. Speaking of whom, we finally get to see WILHELMINA in all of her twisted neo- Nazi glory. She looks a great deal like a caricature of Grace Jones, circa 1980. (Think the covers of the Warm Leatherette and Nightclubbing albums.) She has short, flat- topped sculpted hair (which we can’t relly see much of just now, since she’s wearing an SS officer’s hat) and has very dark skin. Her eyes are obscured by round impenetrable sunglasses. Her teeth are very white and her lips are very red as she laughs evilly. She is wearing a modified stripper-type version, very form-fitting, of a black SS officer’s uniform, complete with swastika armband. Instead of pants, she wears tight black shorts and big black jackboots to complete the ensemble. She also wears black leather gloves. She has a bullwhip in her hand and a holstered Luger pistol and a dagger at her belt. She strikes a dramatic, one might almost say Wagnerian, pose. Somewhere in the background a small portable CD player is playing the song “Holy Ghost” by the Bar-Kays.
16 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
...To the interrogation chamber of WILHELMINA VON KENYA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mother of mayonnaise!
SOUND F/X
[small and inconspicuous, with notes to denote music being played]
“Your love is like the holy ghost, the antidote that freed my soul...”
Page 11
SIX PANELS
1 - Close-up of SCOTT’S face as he, quite understandably
panics.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[in some agitation]
Marvelous Matchpowers activate! Marvelous Matchpowers activate! Marvelous Matchpowers activate! Ah...uh-oh. Oh boy.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
Ha ha! Poor foolish scientist! You see...
2 - WILHELMINA goes over to where SCOTT is manacled to the
wall and bends over sexily and grins down into his inverted face. He scowls back up at her.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
...That fancy collar around your neck should effectively prevent you from becoming your crimefighting alter ego, nicht wahr?
17 SCOTT SUFFIX
All right, doom fox! What is it that you want with me?
3 - The camera eye turns to WILHELMINA VON KENYA as she
begins to enumerate her demands.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Quite simple, really. You see, all that I desire is -
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Sorry to interrupt, but what’s with all of the dachshunds? They’re not real, are they?
4 - An indignant WILHELMINA goes over to one of the sitting
flying dachshunds and brushes its fur back, revealing metal beneath the surface.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[mildly indignant]
Don’t be ridiculous! Of course my Flying Dachshund Circus is artificial! There could never be such a thing as a dozen winged hounds!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Yes, that’s what I thought!
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA then proceeds to scoop up
SCHLINKENHAMMER and give him a big hug as he wags his tail and smiles. Perhaps he licks her face, too.
WIHELMINA VON KENYA
There is only one natural Fliegendachshund, and that is my little pickle! Isn’t he just adorable?
SCHLINKENHAMMER
He talks, too!
18 SCOTT SUFFIX [off-panel]
Spiffy.
6 - WILHELMINA releases SCHLINK from her embrace and he
flies away. She turns to SCOTT, all business once again.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Hrmf. Well, be that as it may, I have brought you here in order to... persuade you to perform an important service for me!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Wait. Hold on one moment, Brunnhilde. How did you manage to discover my secret identity?
Page 12
EIGHT PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA somehow manages to look coy as she
answers SCOTT’S question. Medium length close-up on the villainess.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Let’s just say a little bird told me...
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
This bird wouldn’t happen to be a loon by the name of SUPER FICIAL!, would he?
2 - WIHELMINA whirls around in surprise towards SCOTT
hanging upside-down on the wall.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Gruss Gott! How did you - ?
19 SCOTT SUFFIX
Let’s just say that you don’t come across as being one of the most mentally balanced individuals on the face of the earth!
3 - The two continue their friendly conversation. Flying
dachshunds cruise the air in the apartment.
SCOTT SUFFIX
After all, I couldn’t help noticing all of your Nazi regalia and assorted crap strewn all over this apartment - not to mention your, uh, eye- catching ensemble - and, well, you know, I mean, you’re not even -
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Don’t say it!
4 - The camera is on WILHELMINA again, as she goes into
fits while SCOTT points out the obvious. She has her hands over her ears as she bends in half and stomps her feet in frustration.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
-- You’re not even off-white, you’re -
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Nein! Silence! I am not listening! La la la la la la la la la la!
5 - WILHELMINA stands in place and screams as SCOTT
finishes his observation. SCHLINKENHAMMER hovers nearby, alarmed.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
-- You’re a black woman.
20 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Good griefenstahl! Now you’ve done it!
6 - Close-up of WILHELMINA as she turns toward the viewer
with murder in her eyes, teeth gritted in fury. She raises her whip.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
You’re not going to do that thing with your neck, are you?
7 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA lashes out with her whip, striking
SCOTT across the chest. He screams in pain. The blow leaves a bleeding welt.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Silence, I said! I will do the talking from now on, you miserable worm!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Aaaaaarrrgh!
SOUND F/X
KRAK!
8 - Close-up of SCOTT SUFFIX’S face as he deals with the
pain in a manly fashion. Off-panel, WILHELMINA resumes her rant.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Ow! That really hurt! I’ve got to remember that my alter ego is a bit more fragile than my superhero identity before I go shooting my mouth off again in front of this psychopath!
21 WILHELMINA VON KENYA [off-panel]
Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh, ja - Antarctica!
Page 13
SIX PANELS
1 - This and the following panels detailing WILHELMINA’S
Antarctica flashback should be done in a variety of shades of blue to indicate their past quality. (Kind of like sepiatone, but blue instead of brown - aquatone, I suppose.) Here we see WILHELMINA, in thick-framed regular glasses and a cold-weather parka with the hood up, digging away at an exposed ice ridge with a small pickaxe. Around her scurry the other members of her expedition on their mysterious scientific errands. Her eyes are large and brown. She wears mittens. In the distance are the tents of her base camp.
CAPTION
“Some years ago I was merely a mild-mannered seismologist attached to a university expedition in Antarctica. I was making an excavation near our base camp at the foot of the Executive Committee Range in order to study the underlying strata...”
2 - Suddenly, WILHELMINA is thrown backwards by a sudden
avalanche!
CAPTION
“...When all of a sudden my conscientious tapping triggered a stupendous avalanche!”
3 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA sits up, half buried in snow, and
dusts herself off.
CAPTION
“Miraculously, I was unharmed.”
22
4 - A dazed WILHELMINA VON KENYA approaches an oval
airlock-type door (with the wheel in the center, such as one finds on ships) set in the middle of the snowy hillside at which she had been working. Her eyes are wide.
CAPTION
“But the sudden snow-slide had uncovered a secret entrance, hidden beneath the Antarctic wastes!”
5 - From inside we see the open door, and WILHELMINA
silhouetted against the entrance to the underground base. Her glasses reflect a bit of light, turning them into featureless pools.
CAPTION
“Naturlich, being a scientist, I had to investigate! And what did I find, you ask?”
6 - WILHELMINA’S point-of-view takes in a large chamber,
packed to the gills with esoteric science-fiction style apparatus, computer banks and the like, intermixed with arms caches, Nazi emblems and symbols, and whatnot. Lights flicker on overhead. It’s a fifty-year old cache of Nazi superscience! (Make it look ultra-cool.)
CAPTION
“I found a piece of the future - direct from the past!”
Page 14
SIX PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA’S mittened hands straddle a reactivated
computer bank and screen. Writing appears on the screen as she absorbs the information.
CAPTION
“I spent the next few days feverishly absorbing the astounding information before my eyes. I learned many advanced technological secrets!”
23
2 - WILHELMINA sits enraptured in the midst of a large pile
of technical readouts, which she is studying intensely.
CAPTION
“This redoubt was to be an ultimate base of Nazi resistance! It was part of something called the ‘Ultima Thule Project!’ A hard core of Third Reich leadership cadre and advanced scientific personnel designed it, and intended to make their last stand here, regardless of events in Europe at the time!”
3 - Close-up of WILHELMINA’S fevered face as she reads. An
unholy sense of power is dawning there, as she realizes the forces at her disposal.
CAPTION
“The base was chock-full of scientific devices beyond the reach of mere mankind! Perpetual power sources! Time travel! The records spoke of contacts with extra-terrestrial entities, who provided certain... artifacts! But that was not all! The most intriguing item...”
4 - Distance shot of a large saucer-shaped aircraft,
utterly unlike anything ever built by humanity and with no discernable means of propulsion, cruising serenely in the deep blue reaches of the upper atmosphere.
CAPTION
“...Was a secret stealth aircraft set automatically to patrolling the upper reaches of the atmosphere! It was completely invisible to radar...”
5 - Another long distance shot of the Nazi stealth saucer.
CAPTION ONE
“...And it was perfectly round in its design! Like a saucer...or...or...”
24 CAPTION TWO
“A frisbee?”
CAPTION THREE
“Ja... no! Silence!”
CAPTION FOUR
“Ow!”
CAPTION SOUND F/X
Krak!
6 - A grim-looking WILHELMINA VON KENYA, lugging a full
backpack, strides purposefully toward the viewer and away from the site of her expedition’s camp, which is wreathed in flames. Faraway bodies are strewn on the snow.
CAPTION
“It was imperative that no one else ever discover these critical secrets! It was a shame, but inevitable, that my expedition should be wiped out by a freak blizzard, leaving me the only survivor!”
Page 15
SIX PANELS
1 - Back in the present (and with no more blue wash over
the panels), WILHELMINA VON KENYA and a glowering, manacled SCOTT SUFFIX confront each other. She raises a gloved index finger to illustrate her speech.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[gritting his teeth]
You’re a real humanitarian!
25 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Dankeschoen! But you are missing the point! This is why I have brought you here!
2 - Close-up of a jubilant WILHELMINA as she explains
further.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
It concerns primarily the Stealth Saucer! This magnificent device, as I learned, is large, fully supplied, blessed with an infinite and perennial power source culled from alien technologies, equipped with a cloaking device...
3 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA leans in to speak with SCOTT
SUFFIX. She puts extra emphasis on her words as one would put English on a cue ball.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
...And, most importantly, chock-full of nuclear weapons of sufficient megatonnage to turn the Gobi Desert into a sea of radioactive glass! Ha ha ha ha ha!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Sweet nachos! But where do I fit into your twisted schemes, you Black Forest fruitcake?
4 - The conversation continues.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
The Stealth Saucer is unmanned! It has been on autopilot since 1946! There was no reliable record of its current whereabouts! I have been informed that you possess a paranormal method of locating things, that you call your “MatchSpider Radar!”
26 SCOTT SUFFIX [thinks]
Thanks a lot, STAN! I owe you one! A big, painful one!
5 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA storms off across the apartment in
a cloud of flying dachshunds, ranting and raving.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
As mistress of that Stealth Saucer, with access to its armaments and technologies, I would become the ruler of this puny Earth! I must have it! Ultimate power! Nothing else satisfies like ultimate power! I must find that Stealth Saucer!
6 - She turns abruptly and points a gloved finger at SCOTT.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
And you will use your MatchSpider Radar to locate it for me! Now! At once!
SCOTT SUFFIX
And if I refuse?
Page 16
SIXTEEN PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA goes over to the little table upon
which there are a bottle of tequila, some sliced limes and a shaker of salt. (The soundtrack for this portion of the comic book is brought to you by James Brown, circa 1970- 1975, just for the record.)
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Do you like tequila, HERR DOKTOR SUFFIX?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Uh...no. I never touch the stuff. Why?
27
2 - WIHELMINA picks up the bottle of tequila. She smiles
cruelly.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Just curious.
3 - A series of small, dialogue-less panels begins here.
WILHELMINA drinks from the bottle.
4 - WILHELMINA strolls over to SCOTT SUFFIX upside-down on
the wall.
5 - WILHELMINA whips SCOTT across the chest. He writhes in
pain. A red welt appears.
SOUND F/X
Krak!
6 - She whips him again. Another welt. Some blood.
SOUND F/X
Krak!
7 - Again. More blood. SCOTT murmurs in pain.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Rrrrgh!
SOUND F/X
Kerak!
8 - Exterior shot of the door to WILHELMINA’S apartment.
Noises come from within.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggghhhhh!
SOUND F/X
Snap! Krakle! Pop!
28
9 - We see a close-up of WILHELMINA’S hand picking up a
slice of lime from the little table.
10 - We see a close-up of her squeezing the juice from that
slice of lime all over the bleeding cuts on SCOTT’S chest. He howls in pain.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[head off-panel]
Yeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwwww!
11 - Close-up of WILHELMINA’S hand picking up the salt
shaker from the little table.
12 - Close-up of WILHELMINA’S hand shaking salt all over
the bleeding wounds on SCOTT’S chest. Again he shrieks with the stinging pain.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[head off-panel]
Aaaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!
SOUND F/X
Shooka shooka!
13 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA takes another big snort from the
bottle of tequila. Arm, bottle, upper torso and head are silhouetted against the late afternoon sunlight coming through the window behind her. There is a slight reflection from her dark sunglasses, and a slight sparkle from the clear glass bottle.
14 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA lights a cigarette with a silver
lighter.
15 - WILHELMINA strikes a pose and blows a cloud of smoke.
Her lips glow scarlet. She seems quite pleased with herself, and oddly satisfied. Her appearance should indicate a bizarre synthesis of Grace Jones and Marlene Dietrich at this point.
29 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Ach, I do so enjoy that! Now you will locate the Stealth Saucer for me with your MatchSpider Radar like a good little liebchen, ja?
16 - SCOTT SUFFIX is defiant, even while bloodied, inverted
and manacled. WILHELMINA, incensed by his answer, raises her whip - but then all of a sudden there comes a knock at the door.
SCOTT SUFFIX
No dice, you Klaus Barbie doll! Survey says “thorazine!”
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
You impudent scum - !
SOUND F/X
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Page 17
SIX PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA advances, whip in hand, towards
her apartment door.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Who is at the door, please?
LANCE CORPOREAL
[off-panel]
Pizza delivery!
2 - Close-up of WILHELMINA’S lacquered hand on the
doorknob.
30 WILHELMINA VON KENYA [head off-panel]
How very odd! I have ordered no pizza!
SOUND F/X
Klik!
3 - WILHELMINA is thrown backwards as an angry LANCE
CORPOREAL flings open the door and advances into the room.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Yes you did, woman! A large black pizza - deep dish, meat lover’s, stuffed crust with extra payback!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Urk!
4 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA gets to her feet as LANCE
CORPOREAL eyes her warily. He strikes an unarmed combat pose.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
You shall pay dearly for that, uentermensch!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Unless my eyes deceive me it’s the bastard love child of Josephine Baker and Reinhard Heydrich!
5 - LANCE looks over at SCOTT SUFFIX hanging upside-down on
the wall, beaten and bloody.
LANCE CORPOREAL
You all right, SCOTT?
SCOTT SUFFIX
I’ve been better! Just get me out of this collar, LANCE! And hurry! She’s crazy dangerous!
31
6 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA occupies this panel solo, as she
pulls the Luger pistol from its holster at her belt and cocks it, grimly and theatrically. She looks peeved.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[off-panel]
You don’t say, old chap! You don’t say!
SOUND F/X
Ka-chak!
Page 18
ONE PANEL
1 - And here it is, ladies and gentlemen - the big combat
splash panel! WILHELMINA VON KENYA and LANCE CORPOREAL are locked in hand-to-hand combat, as he struggles to take the Luger away from her. She has dropped the whip. The Luger is in her right hand and pointed at the ceiling, as LANCE has his right hand around her right wrist. They grapple forcefully as SCOTT SUFFIX looks on helplessly from his vantage point on the wall. All of the fifteen or so flying dachshunds, including SCHLINKENHAMMER, are in the air and hovering alertly around the epicenter of the combat. A medium-distance shot that takes in the entire apartment.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Uppity schweinhund!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Madam, you are a disgrace to black people everywhere!
Page 19
NINE PANELS (THE FIRST BEING THE UPPER ONE THIRD OF THE PAGE, THE REMAINDER BEING SMALL)
1 - LANCE CORPOREAL clocks WILHELMINA VON KENYA a good one.
She breaks away, yet is unfazed as she sics her dogs on
32 him. The flying dachshunds swarm towards him as she falls to the floor, gun still firmly in hand.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Attack, my Dachshund Flying Circus! Attack! Destroy the - urrrmmmf!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
LANCE! Look out!
LANCE CORPOREAL
Oh my! Incoming!
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Achtung, Fliegendachshundkorps! Attack!
SOUND F/X
Wham!
2 - Several flying dachshunds sink their fangs into LANCE’S
arm.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Aaaargh!
3 - LANCE bats furiously at several flying dachshunds
attacking his face and eyes.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Get away from my face, you vicious little buggers!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel]
That’s it, my little leberkaesen! Go for the eyes!
4 - Close-up of LANCE’S big fist smashing one of the
mechanical flying dachshunds.
33 SOUND F/X
Crunch!
5 - Close-up of LANCE’S foot out in a shoulder-high karate
kick smashing one of the mechanical flying dachshunds.
SOUND F/X
Smash!
6 - LANCE throws one of the mechanical flying dachshunds
against the wall, where it pops in a small explosion.
SOUND F/X
Boomf!
7 - A shot from WILHELMINA’S Luger pistol rings out and
strikes LANCE in the right shoulder.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Aaaaaahhh!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Got you!
SOUND F/X
Kablam!
8 - LANCE grapples with SCHLINKENHAMMER with his left hand.
His right arm dangles uselessly. WILHELMINA shoots again, and misses.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Give it up, uentermensch! It’s all over!
LANCE CORPOREAL
It is indeed, you flying marital aid...
34 SOUND F/X
Kablam! Zing!
9 - LANCE kicks out and with great skill manages to knock
the restraining collar away from SCOTT SUFFIX’S neck without hurting him. It falls to the floor in two pieces.
CAPTION
“...But not in the manner that you intend!”
SOUND F/X
Klank!
Page 20
FOUR PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA recoils in horror against the far
wall as a familiar shout rings out. She still has the Luger in her gloved hand.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
No! No! Nooooooooooo! It wasn’t supposed to be like this!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Marvelous Matchpowers...activate!
2 - MATCHMAN stands proudly, in full costume, in front of
the shattered and empty manacles still hanging on the wall of the apartment. He strikes a typical pose.
MATCHMAN
Boy, does that feel better! All of the blood was rushing to my head!
35 LANCE CORPOREAL [off-panel]
Ah, MATCHY, old shoe...
3 - LANCE CORPOREAL occupies the entire panel. He is simply
covered in ravenous, furious flying dachshunds, and is having trouble fending them off, what with his wounded arm. SCHLINK tears and worries at an ear like a terrier with a rat.
LANCE CORPOREAL
...A little help here?
MATCHMAN
In a moment, LANCE...
4 - MATCHMAN advances purposefully towards WILHELMINA VON
KENYA. She levels the gun at him in a rank fury, annoyed that her plans have been thwarted.
MATCHMAN
...There’s a certain clinically deluded young woman that needs a good talking-to first!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Gottverdammte Streichholzmann*! I will dance on your grave!
CAPTION
* “Matchman” in German! [The pun, however, is lost.]
Page 21
FOUR PANELS
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA empties the Luger pistol at
MATCHMAN as he advances slowly yet purposefully towards her. The shots have no effect, bouncing off of his chest, of course.
36 WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Take that! And that!
SOUND F/X
Pow! Pow! Pow! Klik! Klik!
2 - WILHELMINA, in the extremity of her hatred, throws the
empty Luger pistol at MATCHMAN. It bounces off of his chest as he continues to advance, a slight smile upon his lips.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
No! It shall not end like this! I shall not permit it to be so!
3 - WILHELMINA turns and runs to the small balcony. Her
face is a twisted mask of frenzied hatred and fear.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
I am the empress of the world! Ha ha ha!
4 - WILHELMINA stands on the balcony, one leg poised over
the waist-high railing. She is all set to jump. Her apartment is many stories up - a fall would definitely be fatal. She has this whole panel to herself. Behind her, we the western sky redden as the sun prepares to set. Very dramatic scene, here - and colorful, too!
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
You will never take me alive!
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
I hate to break this to you, VON KENYA...
Page 22
EIGHT PANELS
37
1 - WILHELMINA VON KENYA leaps over the balcony rail to
certain death, stopping MATCHMAN in mid-utterance. She laughs crazily as she falls to her doom.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
[off-panel as she falls]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
But you villains always say - Muzza chunka! She did it! She actually did it!
2 - The flying dachshunds ravaging LANCE CORPOREAL pause in
alarm, and look over at where the empty balcony happens to be. SCHLINKENHAMMER voices their general concern. LANCE looks surprised yet relieved.
LANCE CORPOREAL
She did?
SCHLINKENHAMMER
Gott im himmel! Fliegendachshundkorps - break off the attack and follow me at once! Now!
3 - A cloud of the remaining flying dachshunds zooms out of
the apartment and over and down past the edge of the balcony. SCHLINKENHAMMER is in the lead.
SCHLINKENHAMMER
There is no time to lose!
4 - A wounded LANCE CORPOREAL, nursing his right arm, and
MATCHMAN rush to the edge of the balcony and look down, leaning over the railing. LANCE has one more defunct mechanical flying dachshund carcass gripped in his left hand.
MATCHMAN
I can’t believe she actually jumped! They never jump!
38 LANCE CORPOREAL
Tell me about it, old bean! I’m just as surprised as you are!
5 - In the middle distance, LANCE and MATCHMAN (and the
viewer) see WILHELMINA VON KENYA rise up, borne aloft by about ten flying dachshunds. Her clothing is gripped in their mouths as they carry her away, laughing. (The image rather reminds one of Egon Rustemagik being carried off by Dr. Violet’s mechanical crows in that seminal Sienkiewicz masterwork, Stray Toasters.) The sun is just starting to set in the west.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
LANCE CORPOREAL
What the - ?
MATCHMAN
And the surprises just keep on coming, don’t they?
6 - WILHELMINA and her Flying Dachshund Circus fill this
panel in a fairly close-up shot as she flies away. The balcony with MATCHMAN and LANCE CORPOREAL on it is already small in the distance, as the dachshunds fly quickly away at top speed. They fly off into the sunset over the city.
WILHELMINA VON KENYA
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
LANCE CORPOREAL
[small in the distance]
Dammit, MATCHMAN! Stop her! She’s getting away!
MATCHMAN
No time, old chum...
39
7 - LANCE CORPOREAL has slumped to the floor of the balcony
in pain. He leans against the railing in agony as MATCHMAN examines his bullet wound. His eyes are closed.
MATCHMAN
...That bullet wound looks serious! We’ve got to get you back to the medical facilities at VALentine Complex toot sweet!
LANCE CORPOREAL
No, it’s - aaaaaaahhhh! Oh, I suppose you’re right! What I wouldn’t give to be invulnerable, sometimes!
8 - LANCE CORPOREAL and MATCHMAN sit together side-by-side
on the floor of the balcony, watching the sunset. Medium distance shot.
MATCHMAN
Besides...I have a feeling that we’re going to see this WILHELMINA VON KENYA again - real soon! By the way, LANCE, how did you manage to locate her little Nazi love dungeon in time to save me from her clutches?
LANCE CORPOREAL
Are you kidding? Your screams were audible throughout the entire apartment complex! Some guy down the hall was fed up with the noise and called the VALCom hotline! I followed up the tip... and the rest, as they say, is history!
CAPTION
And that’s all she wrote, folks! Stay tuned for yet another super-funky-calli-fragi-sexy episode of MATCHMAN with the upcoming fantastic fourteenth issue, coming your way soon!
THE END
40