The Matchman
Page 1
TWO PANELS
1 - A romantic late spring night in New York City. We begin
things in medias res as a handsome couple of gay men, hand in hand, walk down Central Park West through a series of streetlights, alongside the stone wall that divides the sidewalk from the moist greenery of the Park proper. Their appearance should reflect their essential homosexuality - i.e., they are neatly if casually dressed, and have impeccable hair, in addition to being model-caliber handsome.
GAY MAN NUMBER ONE (STEVE)
Isn’t it such a lovely evening?
GAY MAN NUMBER TWO (BRUCE)
Oh, I know!
CAPTION
Springtime in New York, on Central Park West…
2 - Same couple as viewed through an opening in the foliage
above and behind them. The reader is able to share this stalking person’s viewpoint. A yellow-gloved hand holds a branch aside in order to get a better view of the prey below. 2
GAY MAN NUMBER TWO (BRUCE)
STEVE, if this night were chocolate mousse I could eat it with a spoon!
GAY MAN NUMBER ONE (STEVE)
Say, BRUCE, that reminds me...
CAPTION
...When fancy young men turn lightly to thoughts of love!
Page 2
FOUR PANELS
1 - The two GAY MEN turn around in shock, eyes wide, at
being addressed loudly, suddenly, and rudely from behind.
GAY MAN NUMBER ONE (STEVE)
...I’ve got this great recipe at home for oh-my- freaking-God-who-is-that!
GAY MAN NUMBER TWO (BRUCE)
What the - is it Mardi Gras already?
HOMOPHOBE
[off-panel]
Freeze, you cavity creeps!
CAPTION
Suddenly and most rudely, a shout rings out!
2 - And we at last see the HOMOPHOBE standing there in all
his costumed glory on the sidewalk, striking a pose and pointing an accusing finger at our loving gay duo. The HOMOPHOBE is a fairly young man, tall, with blue eyes and a blonde crew cut. He is rippling with muscle, and dressed in a skin-tight unitard that is colored a bright yellow. He isn’t wearing a cape, however - although everything else 3
about him should scream “latent homosexual.” He should give the appearance of trying too hard to live up to the “manly” ideal stereotype. He wears red boots, a yellow Lone-Ranger- style eye mask, and his chest is emblazoned with his symbol - a not-so-subtle diagram depicting a pink triangle on a black circular field, crossed by the red circle-with-a- slash-through-it international “anti” symbol.
HOMOPHOBE
Aha! There! I, the HOMOPHOBE, have caught you two red handed! Don’t deny your guilt, deviants!
GAY MAN NUMBER TWO (BRUCE)
Oh, well, pardon me for living, Adolf!
GAY MAN NUMBER ONE (STEVE)
Yeah, better blatant than latent!
3 - The HOMOPHOBE advances menacingly towards BRUCE and
STEVE, who immediately begin to think that maybe their banter wasn’t such a good idea. They recoil from the obviously hostile maniac in the yellow costume.
HOMOPHOBE
Grrrrr! Who are you calling latent, fancy boy?
BRUCE
Um...maybe you shouldn’t have said that, STEVE...
STEVE
Gee, BRUCE, ya think? We’d better get out of here pronto!
4 - Suddenly, up in the sky, Z-GIRL comes gliding by on one
of her periodic scouting missions uptown. She notices the incipient tumult on the ground in a pool of street light and decides to investigate. 4
HOMOPHOBE
[down below]
Time for your aversion therapy, pansies!
BRUCE
[down below]
Ohmigod! Run, STEVE, run!
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Hey! Sounds like someone is playing the VALCom National Anthem again! Better swoop down and investigate!
CAPTION
As luck would have it, high overhead...
Page 3
THREE PANELS
1 - Z-GIRL flies over the disturbing spectacle of the
HOMOPHOBE chasing the two frightened GAY MEN down the sidewalk next to the Park at top speed.
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Well, it looks like one of ours...but then why didn’t I get the signal?
2 - Z-GIRL hovers in midair, unsure of what to make of the
situation, which is one she’s never encountered before in the line of duty.
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
And why isn’t MATCHMAN here by now? His MatchSpider radar has never failed him before! 5
3 - As an astonished Z-GIRL watches, the plot thickens. We
see a close-up of her lovely pert face, eyes wide, as new voices float up from below.
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
And who’s that guy in the yellow - huh? Oh great, more guests for the party! Now what?
WATCHWOMYN
[off-panel below]
Avaunt, miscreant! Never fear, kind sirs...
A-BOY
[off-panel below]
That means “knock it off,” HOMOPHOBE, you ignorant slab of beef!
Page 4
FOUR PANELS
1 - Nice big panel to debut our two new heroes on the
homosexual side of the matchmaking fence, WATCHWOMYN and A- BOY. WATCHWOMYN is a powerful lesbian, rippling with muscle and packed into a skintight costume that is a color negative of MATCHMAN’S usual costume, complete with cape. (Perhaps a light blue base color?) She is reasonably attractive in a stately, handsome sort of way. She has brown hair and eyes, with a steely glint in the latter. She is obviously no one to trifle with. Her sidekick, A-BOY, is also wiry, but palpably effeminate - which doesn’t detract from his spunk or his ability to kick butt in combat. He wears high boots, tight shorts that come down to his knees, and a tank top - all black. No cape for A-BOY. His hair is also black, and he has a small moustache. His eyes are brown. (In a weird sort of way, he should remind one of a homosexual rendition of Eric Roberts’s character in the long-forgotten Bob Fosse flick Star 80.) If one could hear A-BOY speak, he would sound like Harvey Fierstein. The two strike a stirring pose as they address the HOMOPHOBE. 6
WATCHWOMYN
Why don’t you pick on homosexuals your own size, tough guy? Or is WATCHWOMYN too much man for you?
A-BOY
And don’t forget her two-fisted sidekick A-BOY! C’mon, punk - do you feel lucky?
2 - The HOMOPHOBE advances, fists clenched, as behind him
STEVE and BRUCE, forgotten, make their timely getaway. The HOMOPHOBE’S teeth are clenched in the best supervillain style.
HOMOPHOBE
I’ve been ready for this my whole life! O.K., Breathless Mahoney, come get some!
A-BOY
[off-panel]
What’s a “Breathless Mahoney?”
3 - Combat panel as WATCHWOMYN and A-BOY slug it out with
HOMOPHOBE. There is little talking, but a lot of bone- cracking sound effects! Meanwhile, Z-GIRL’S silhouette up in the sky is wondering just who these new heroes are.
Z-GIRL
[thinks up in the sky]
I don’t know who these guys are but they obviously have the situation under control down there!
SOUND F/X
Whap! Bam! Thud! Crunch! Thunk! Krak! Etc.
CAPTION
The battle is intense... 7
4 - The HOMOPHOBE, realizing that he can’t win, hurries
swiftly from the scene. WATCHWOMYN is busy assisting A-BOY to his feet again after the battle.
HOMOPHOBE
[thinks]
That’s it -- I’m outta here before my clock gets cleaned for good!
A-BOY
WATCHWOMYN - he’s getting away!
WATCHWOMYN
Don’t worry, A-BOY - there will be other confrontations with that particular force of evil! We managed to foil his plans tonight!
CAPTION
...But all too brief!
Page 5
FOUR PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the VALentine Complex headquarters
skyscraper, in midtown, during the day.
CAPTION
The following morning...
2 - Interior of the by now all-too-familiar VALCom lounge
area, where MATCHMAN reclines nonchalantly, coffee mug in hand, as he explains the situation to a questioning Z-GIRL, who sits next to him on the couch, also with coffee mug in hand.
MATCHMAN
It’s all really quite simple, Z-GIRL. Perhaps I should explain... 8
Z-GIRL
Well, perhaps you should, boss! Nobody ever told me about any parallel organization named LAVCom before!
CAPTION
...Z-GIRL gets some answers!
3 - Close-up of MATCHMAN’S face as he does some serious
explaining.
MATCHMAN
There are many types of mutual affection in the world, my hotheaded sidekick! VALentine Complex, and (ahem) yours truly, only handle the traditional boy-meets-girl type of love. My opposite number WATCHWOMYN at LAVentine Complex (as well as her own spunky sidekick A-BOY, your opposite number) handles the homosexual end of things!
4 - We see the back of MATCHMAN’S head as he continues to
explain things to a very surprised Z-GIRL, who is looking at him as though he has just grown a third arm.
MATCHMAN
My MatchSpider radar only functions in the event of heterosexual romantic debacles! Seeing as how the HOMOPHOBE was completely in WATCHWOMYN’S department, not mine, it’s hardly a surprise that I didn’t get the call!
Z-GIRL
Let me get this straight. There’s an entire organization parallel to our own? That does for homosexual couples what we do for heterosexual couples? Wow! But if that’s the case, then...then who on earth does the HOMOPHOBE work for? 9
Page 6
FOUR PANELS
1 - Towering shot of an indignant DOCTOR DEJECTION pointing
an accusing finger at the viewer, who is in the position of the HOMOPHOBE for this dressing-down. The location is, of course, the B.L.A.H. underground command bunker in northern New Jersey.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
This is preposterous! In all of my years as the dictatorial director of Badguys Leagued Against Humanity I have never seen a more pitiful specimen of masculinity!
CAPTION
As if you didn’t know!
2 - We pull back slightly to reveal the usual underground
command bunker scenery. A battered and bandaged HOMOPHOBE slouches in one of the swivel chairs before the giant viewscreen as DOCTOR DEJECTION hovers in front of him, giving him a royal chewing out. The HOMOPHOBE is sulky, self-justificatory and anxious to please, all at the same time.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
How could you have erred in such a simple harassment assignment? It’s enough to make one question your own orientation, HOMOPHOBE!
HOMOPHOBE
It wasn’t my fault, DOCTOR! WATCHWOMYN and A-BOY doubleteamed me!
CAPTION
Deep beneath the surface of northern New Jersey, we find DOCTOR DEJECTION dressing down his latest recruit! 10
3 - Close-up of the HOMOPHOBE sulking slouched in his
chair, head in hand, elbow leaning on the arm of the chair he occupies.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[off-panel]
Don’t you understand the necessity of creating an intolerant atmosphere? Don’t you understand the importance of sowing hate and fear among the populace of the city?
HOMOPHOBE
Yeah, yeah, write me a symphony while you’re at it, DOC...
4 - DOCTOR DEJECTION begins to pace, obviously disgusted
with the operational record of his newest minion. The HOMOPHOBE still sulks behind him.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I had high hopes for you, my boy. Trained to the pinnacle of physical strength - and for what, as it turns out?!? Still, I have a plan that may yet salvage your reputation in the eyes of both myself and the B.L.A.H. Corporation...
HOMOPHOBE
Good! Because this time...it’s personal!
Page 7
SIX PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION sits in his command chair, outlining
the details of his new plan to the HOMOPHOBE, who slowly rises from his own chair as he takes an interest in the scheme to redeem his lost self-perceived honor. 11
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Out of the boundless resources of my own personal genius, I have developed a remarkable chemical, which is nothing more nor less than a violent heterotoxin!
HOMOPHOBE
Is that what I think it is? Go on!
2 - DOCTOR DEJECTION continues, as we watch his cowled face
from just behind the vantage point of the left side of the HOMOPHOBE’S muscled body.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
The chemical in question is designed to completely and irrevocably convert anyone who consumes it into a confirmed heterosexual - not to mention causing them to believe in the evils of premarital sexual intercourse, the sanctity of traditional marriage, and the fundamental illegality of anything except for the missionary position in bed. Not bad, eh?
HOMOPHOBE
Whoah! It’s like my dream come true!
3 - DOCTOR DEJECTION continues to lay out his plans for an
excited HOMOPHOBE.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
And all you have to do is go to the hidden warehouse where I’ve secreted my stash of the heterotoxin, pick it up and take it to the main reservoir north of the city, and --
HOMOPHOBE
I know! I know! Dump it in the city’s water supply, right? Right? 12
4 - DOCTOR DEJECTION and an overly excited HOMOPHOBE, still
talking. The HOMOPHOBE appears to be jumping up and down in place and clapping his hands with glee at the enormity of his assignment. DOCTOR DEJECTION appears nonplussed at the display - at least, up until he is distracted by the entrance of someone off-panel.
HOMOPHOBE
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
(Sigh.) Spoken like a true prodigy. Now then, when - ah, hello there, my dear! I’ve been expecting you!
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
Hiya, DOC! How ya been? Long time no see!
SOUND F/X
Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap!
5 - DISCORDIA, her Golden Apple firmly in hand, stands
leaning sexily on DOCTOR DEJECTION’S seated shoulder as both gaze amusedly upon the HOMOPHOBE, who is suddenly trying to look big and tough in order to impress the “sexy gold chick.”
DOCTOR DEJECTION
You’ve been truant for some time now, DISCORDIA! Have you met my newest B.L.A.H. recruit - the
HOMOPHOBE?
DISCORDIA
Sorry about that, D.D.! I hadda visit my sick mother - you know how it is. HOMOPHOBE, eh? Hi, guy! Like, charmed, I’m sure! 13
HOMOPHOBE
[trying to act all manly-like]
(Harrumph!) It is a distinct pleasue to meet you,
MISS DISCORDIA!
6 - Close-up of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S and DISCORDIA’S heads
and faces as they engage in a quick whispered aside with one another.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
So, what do you think?
DISCORDIA
I think this clown’s got more issues than Action Comics! Let’s see if he can pull off that reservoir caper without dropping the ball!
Page 8
FOUR PANELS
1 - Here we see the HOMOPHOBE, improbably and rather
unsuccessfully disguised in a trench coat and black knit watch cap, skulking down a shabby street somewhere in the general neighborhood of where the Lower East Side meets Chinatown. It is a dingy neighborhood of import/export warehouses alternating with abandoned buildings in poor repair. Everything looks unaccountably brown despite the fact that it’s daylight out.
HOMOPHOBE
[thinks]
All right, this is it - the address DOCTOR DEJECTION gave me for the secret supply dump of the heterotoxin chemical! It’s on this block somewhere!
2 - The HOMOPHOBE unlocks the padlocked chain that wraps
the handles of the double sliding doors at the front of a large, disused warehouse whose flaking painted sign on the doors identifies it as “D-Jek Industries” in both English and Chinese. Medium distance shot so that we can all see how big the door is. 14
HOMOPHOBE
[thinks]
Cha-ching!
3 - In the midst of a dusty space chock full of drums and
containers of every description, the HOMOPHOBE is seen wrestling with the cover of one such oil-drum-sized container. He has by now shed his overcoat disguise.
HOMOPHOBE
[thinks]
I’ve got to make absolutely certain I have the right container, or I’ll never hear the end of it from the rest of them back at B.L.A.H.!
4 - A puzzled HOMOPHOBE dips his hand in the open container
and looks at it. He’s got a fistful of some thick, gooey, semi-translucent substance that he recognizes instantly.
HOMOPHOBE
[startled into speech]
What the -- ?! Petroleum jelly?! That’s not right!
WATCHWOMYN
[off-panel]
Depends upon your point of view, sweets!
Page 9
THREE PANELS
1 - The HOMOPHOBE whirls about to see WATCHWOMYN and A-BOY
standing nonchalantly by the open doors of the warehouse.
HOMOPHOBE
You two again! But how -- ? 15
WATCHWOMYN
Let’s just say that we happened to hear about your vile heterotoxin-plus-reservoir scheme...
A-BOY
...And we decided to shut you down!
2 - The HOMOPHOBE, enraged, hefts the entire drum of
petroleum jelly, preparatory to throwing it. Since the top is still removed, some of it drips down his arm a bit.
HOMOPHOBE
Damn you, deviants! I don’t care if it’s petroleum jelly or Crisco, you’ll never take me alive! Shut this down, A-BOY!
3 - The drum of petroleum jelly smashes into A-BOY’S
midsection, hurtling him backwards and knocking him unconscious. Since the top is still off, the gooey lubricant splashes everywhere - including the imposing chiselled physique of WATCHWOMYN, who is standing nearby.
A-BOY
Somehow they always say - URK!
WATCHWOMYN
A-BOY! That’s it, HOMOPHOBE - I’m taking you downtown!
HOMOPHOBE
[off-panel]
We are downtown!
SOUND F/X
Kawham!
Page 10
ONE PANEL 16
1 - This is it, folks - the great big combat splash panel!
WATCHWOMYN and the HOMOPHOBE are locked in ferocious hand- to-hand combat, half-coated with petroleum jelly, in the midst of a dilapidated deserted warehouse, while at their feet lies the unconscious body of A-BOY - also somewhat lubricated.
WATCHWOMYN
I’m going to batter roll and whip you like a ballistic war-cannoli!*
HOMOPHOBE
Let’s get it on!
CAPTION
*With a combined salute to the marvelous works of both Jimmy Pop Ali and Mark Leyner!
Page 11
TWO PANELS
1 - Finally, the HOMOPHOBE manages to knock WATCHWOMYN off
her feet with a lucky sucker punch. She proceeds to lose her footing on the slippery floor.
HOMOPHOBE
And this one’s for the S.C.U.M. Manifesto, you bulldagger!
WATCHWOMYN
Urmf! Damn slippery floor!
SOUND F/X
Pow!
2 - Exterior shot of the warehouse, with the HOMOPHOBE,
conspicuously yellow, high-tailing it down the block, while WATCHWOMYN leans and peers halfway out through the double 17
doors, considering whether or not to give chase or tend to her fallen sidekick.
HOMOPHOBE
[thinks]
Whew! Close call yet again! But what will DOCTOR DEJECTION think?
WATCHWOMYN
[thinks]
There’s no way I can catch that slippery character now! Better tend to my fallen comrade - and then go see about bringing my alter ego in on this case as a hired gun, so to speak!
Page 12
FOUR PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the VALentine Complex headquarters
skyscraper in midtown, later that same day. We see WATCHWOMYN’S speech balloon rise from the building itself, in order to indicate that she’s inside.
WATCHWOMYN
[from inside building]
...And then the greasy little punk sucker-punched me and got away! I’m telling you, MATCHMAN, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of the HOMOPHOBE yet!
CAPTION
And so, inevitably...VALentine Complex!
2 - Since this is a formal conference-of-war with people
outside the organization, we now switch, not to the staff lounge, but to the official conference room with the large round table that we remember so well from past issues. Sitting at that table are WATCHWOMYN, MATCHMAN, A-BOY (with a large bandage around his midsection), and Z-GIRL. They are discussing the current situation. 18
MATCHMAN
Undoubtedly not, WATCHWOMYN! Now our only remaining question is where? And when?
WATCHWOMYN
That’s two questions!
Z-GIRL
Are you sure you’re O.K., A-BOY?
A-BOY
(Cough.) Sure I’m sure, Z-GIRL. It only hurts when I... think of all the prejudice in the world today! (Cough.)
3 - Close-up shot of MATCHMAN and WATCHWOMYN talking at the
table.
MATCHMAN
So, how are things going over at LAVCom these days?
WATCHWOMYN
Oh, more of the usual. You think you’ve got it tough on this side of the fence, you should try flying in my cape for a week!
4 - More of MATCHMAN and WATCHWOMYN talking shop.
WATCHWOMYN
At least your endeavors are sanctioned by both the powers-that-be and the public at large! I’m constantly on call to apprehend, dissuade and generally inform a whole horde of terminal Neanderthals who just can’t seem to live and let love! It’s enough to drive a womyn crazy sometimes! 19
MATCHMAN
Our hearts go out to you, fellow stormtrooper of romance!
Page 13
SIX PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the desolate wastelands of northern
New Jersey - polluted marshes, stacks of shipping containers, abandoned factories, eight-lane superhighways, miscellaneous rusting apparatus, the usual. The sun is going down in a welter of red haze.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[off-panel - the speech balloon comes from the horizon]
DOLT!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, somewhere beneath northern New Jersey...
2 - Cut to the interior of the underground command bunker.
DOCTOR DEJECTION towers over a cowering HOMOPHOBE, who is on his knees and shaking like a leaf in front of everyone’s favorite criminal mastermind. Behind them, the giant viewscreen is tuned into the evening news broadcasts from the city.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
You...you ambulatory excuse for a human banana! I ought to blast you where you grovel!
HOMOPHOBE
Please sir no sir don’t sir I’m sorry sir!
3 - DOCTOR DEJECTION flops into his command swivel chair,
himself dejected this time. 20
DOCTOR DEJECTION
When I assume I make an ass out of...well, mostly you, but in some small part myself too in this instance. I assumed that you had the raw power to take on LAVCom unassisted. The first thing to do is to solve that particular problem!
4 - DOCTOR DEJECTION holds out a mysterious black belt,
bulging with technological protuberances, to a HOMOPHOBE who is just lifting fear- and tear-stained eyes up from his kneeling position on the floor in front of the command chair.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
This power amplification belt should multiply your strength by a factor of twenty! Now does that rectify the situation?
HOMOPHOBE
Uh-huh...
5 - DOCTOR DEJECTION leans back in his command chair, deep
in though. Behind him, the viewscreen continues to cycle through the evening news broadcasts.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Now, all we need is a suitable target for you to wreak heterosexual havoc upon...hmmm...
SOUND F/X
[coming from viewscreen]
...And now, in other news...
6 - DOCTOR DEJECTION sits bolt upright, right hand with
index finger raised, a smile on his “face,” in something of a “Eureka!” pose, as behind him the viewscreen drones on with the best news he’s heard all day.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...By Jove I think I’ve got it! 21
SOUND F/X
[coming from viewscreen]
...The city’s annual Gay Pride Parade is scheduled for tomorrow, and this year a record turnout is expected!
Page 14
THREE PANELS
1 - And then we return to the VALCom conference room, with
the conference still in full swing. MATCHMAN and WATCHWOMYN are looking very intense as they discuss things. Throughout this page, it should be palpably obvious that they are cut from the same bolt of cloth, superhero-wise. A-BOY and Z- GIRL look on with that look of forgiving tolerance common to sidekicks. WATCHWOMYN smacks herself in the forehead as she gets a brainstorm.
MATCHMAN
We know the fiend will strike again! But -
WATCHWOMYN
Of course! How blind I was not to have seen it before!
SOUND F/X
Smack!
2 - Close-up of WATCHWOMYN and MATCHMAN yelling
dramatically into each other’s faces.
WATCHWOMYN
The city’s Gay Pride Parade is tomorrow - he’ll no doubt make that his next target!
MATCHMAN
I do believe you’re right, WATCHWOMYN! And when the HOMOPHOBE makes his appearance - we’ll be right there waiting for him! 22
3 - A-BOY and Z-GIRL, at the opposite end of the conference
table, commiserate with each other regarding the trials of sidekickhood. A-BOY is touching Z-GIRL’S arm as he elaborates on a theme.
Z-GIRL
I take it yours is like that too, huh?
A-BOY
Girlfriend, don’t even get me started!
Page 15
THREE PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of Fifth Avenue, over by the eastern side
of Central Park. Crowds have gathered, and the police barriers have been set up to mark the course of the Gay Pride Parade. It’s a beautiful sunny day. The crowd is full of gay people of both sexes, some wearing hats, others carrying banners with gay slogans and symbols on them. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time, waiting for the marchers to reach that particular point. In the front row of the crowd stands a very confused-looking IRISHMAN wearing a green T-shirt that says “Kiss Me I’m Irish” on it. He is also wearing a green plastic derby and carrying a Notre Dame “Fighting Irish” pennant. It is unclear whether he is drunk or not.
CONFUSED IRISHMAN
[thinks]
?
CAPTION
And so the day of the Gay Pride Parade dawns clear and lovely!
2 - Here we see a picture of WATCHWOMYN and MATCHMAN in
matching fedoras, trenchcoats and sunglasses standing still as statues in the front row of the parade audience. They 23
look almost like a brother-and-sister duo. With their massive physiques they couldn’t be more conspicuous. They are, in fact, getting some funny looks from the crowd around them.
CAPTION
The stakeout is all systems go! Two at the curb...
3 - Here we see Z-GIRL in male drag and A-BOY looking...
well, pretty much like his usual costumed self as they march in the ranks of the parade coming up Fifth Avenue from midtown. Z-GIRL has a fake-looking blonde moustache on and her hair is slicked back; she’s wearing a sport coat that hides her breasts and slacks to match. Very Victor/Victoria. Z-GIRL looks a bit self-conscious, but A- BOY is enjoying himself hugely - he even has a little pink triangle flag of his own to wave. His smile is so wide it almost splits his face in half.
CAPTION
...And two in the midst of the very parade itself!
Page 16
FOUR PANELS
1 - Suddenly the front ranks of the parade audience over by
the wall of Central Park recoil in surprise, awe and terror.
CAPTION
Suddenly...
2 - WATCHWOMYN and MATCHMAN whip their sunglasses and
disguises off and shoot two steely glares at the phenomenon that has interrupted the parade. Around them the crowd is gaping and/or fleeing in shock.
CAPTION
...Without a hint of warning... 24
3 - The front ranks of the marchers in the parade drop
their banner and begin to scatter in terror. Behind them, Z-GIRL whips off her drag disguise with a scowl (all except the moustache, which she doesn’t have time for at the moment and which she will wear throughout until otherwise noted) while A-BOY strikes a classic self-consciously campy superhero combat pose.
CAPTION
...It’s time for some action!
4 - The HOMOPHOBE stands scowling in the middle of Fifth
Avenue in a classic superhero action pose all his own - but without the conscious camp. He is wearing the black power belt and looks, somehow, a bit more imposing than we have yet seen him. Around him chaos breaks loose as the crowd goes wild.
HOMOPHOBE
That’s right, run! Run, you filthy degenerates! This parade is declared over! The HOMOPHOBE has come! Now I will teach you the meaning of the phrase “straight and narrow!”
Page 17
FOUR PANELS
1 - The HOMOPHOBE’S head jerks upward as his challenge is
answered from off-panel.
WATCHWOMYN
[off-panel]
You already have, HOMOPHOBE...
HOMOPHOBE
Eh? Who dares...?
2 - WATCHWOYMN and MATCHMAN, in their standard costumes,
leap in from the fleeing crowd to do battle. The HOMOPHOBE turns, startled but ready to duke it out. 25
WATCHWOMYN
...You already have!
MATCHMAN
You’re a disgrace to heterosexuals everywhere, HOMOPHOBE! I’m here to reclaim our good name!
HOMOPHOBE
WATCHWOMYN! Back for some more, eh? And who’s this? Your hairdresser?
3 - Suddenly, Z-GIRL and A-BOY pile into the HOMOPHOBE from
behind. He staggers but remains upright.
HOMOPHOBE
Urrgh! What the - ? More of you!
A-BOY
That’s right, spoilsport! Prepare to face the wrath of a “fag”...
Z-GIRL
...And his “hag!”
4 - The HOMOPHOBE reacts by slamming his elbow into Z-
GIRL’S midsection while he tosses A-BOY over his head like a bucking bronco. Z-GIRL is rendered unconscious as a result of the blow.
HOMOPHOBE
That does it! It ends here! Now!
Z-GIRL
Unnnhhh!
A-BOY
Ohmigod - he’s far more powerful than before! Look out, WATCHWOMYN! 26
SOUND F/X
Kawham!
Page 18
ONE PANEL
1 - Another big splash panel for the second big fight
scene. Around ground zero, the crowd scatters, with some of them watching raptly as the combat unfolds. While A-BOY picks himself up off the macadam, holding his head in pain, Z-GIRL sprawls unconscious behind the enraged HOMOPHOBE, who, in turn, is in the process of clobbering MATCHMAN with a right to the jaw, while shrugging off the pummelling he is receiving concomitantly from WATCHWOMYN. It’s total mayhem, just the way you like it!
HOMOPHOBE
You’re a disgrace to manly men who wear tights!
MATCHMAN
Z-GIRL! You cad! I’ll - urmmmfff!
WATCHWOMYN
My punches - having no effect!
A-BOY
Unnhhh...Did anyone get the number of that Mister Softie truck that hit me?
SOUND F/X
Whap! Bam! Bash! Thunk! Thud! Wallop! Etc.
Page 19
THREE PANELS 27
1 - WATCHWOMYN attempts to pinion the HOMOPHOBE’S arms from
behind, as MATCHMAN shakes his head to clear it of the punch-induced cobwebs.
WATCHWOMYN
This madness has to stop before more innocent people suffer!
HOMOPHOBE
Rrrrr! Get off me!
2 - The HOMOPHOBE spreads his arms violently, throwing
WATCHWOMYN off like an old overcoat.
HOMOPHOBE
I’m not some limp-wristed pansy you can just push around!
WATCHWOMYN
Whoah! What the hell are you talking about?
3 - WATCHWOMYN staggers back as A-BOY and MATCHMAN advance
towards an enraged, almost hysterical HOMOPHOBE.
HOMOPHOBE
You heard me! I’m all man! I’m a man among men! I’m not some homo!
MATCHMAN
Constant reiteration! I wonder...
WATCHWOMYN
You don’t suppose...
A-BOY
Now listen here, sweet thing... 28
Page 20
THREE PANELS
1 - A-BOY talks calmly and soothingly to the HOMOPHOBE,
who’s just aching for continued fisticuffs but appears to be listening to A-BOY’S rational lecture as if against his conscious will.
A-BOY
...No one here has ever accused you of being gay, HOMOPHOBE - no one except yourself, that is!
HOMOPHOBE
Dammit -- less talk, more punching! I’m invincible with this belt of power on!
2 - Close-up on A-BOY as he continues to run down his
monologue.
A-BOY
Look, a man doesn’t have to be an effeminate “flamer” to be gay. Look at you - dressed up in tights and a mask, sublimating your violence towards yourself by attacking other men, when what you’d really rather be doing is interacting with them on a much healthier emotional level!
HOMOPHOBE
[off-panel]
Never!
3 - A-BOY walks forward and calmly lays his hand on an
indecisive HOMOPHOBE’S arm.
A-BOY
Never? C’mon, hon - quit kidding yourself. You’ll feel better. Trust me. I’ve been there. We all have, at one point or another. 29
HOMOPHOBE
I... I... I...
Page 21
FOUR PANELS
1 - The HOMOPHOBE breaks down sobbing, as A-BOY gives him a
“reassurance hug.”
HOMOPHOBE
Sob! Oh, God! It’s true! It’s all true! Sob! This whole time - I’ve been trying to deny my true inner self!
A-BOY
There, there! That’s it, hon, let your hair down!
2 - Close-up on the sobbing HOMOPHOBE as he removes his
mask, literally and figuratively.
HOMOPHOBE
I love my fellow men! I should be in this parade, not demolishing it!
A-BOY
[off-panel] So what’s stopping you now?
3 - Here we see the Gay Pride Parade resumed, and moving up
Fifth Avenue through twin walls of cheering crowd. At its forefront we see a de-masked HOMOPHOBE, arm-in-arm with A- BOY, waving a pink triangle banner and smiling broadly through the remnants of his tears.
A-BOY
Feels good, doesn’t it? 30
HOMOPHOBE
I’m so overwhelmed! Thank you, A-BOY - thank you so much!
THE CROWD
Hooray!
CAPTION
And so...the parade continues...with a very special guest star!
4 - MATCHMAN and WATCHWOMYN, as well as a groggy Z-GIRL,
watch the entire spectacle from the sidelines in the midst of the cheering crowd. They are smiling at this pleasant resolution. Z-GIRL still has her fake moustache on, and realizes this fact in embarrassed surprise.
MATCHMAN
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
WATCHWOMYN
It always comes as a shock when it happens to someone whom you think you know!
Z-GIRL
Why didn’t anyone tell me that I still had this stupid moustache on?!?
Page 22
SIX PANELS
1 - The scene is the by now familiar one of the VALCom
conference room. WATCHWOMYN and MATCHMAN are speaking to each other, alone together. It’s the debriefing following the successful conclusion of the mission. 31
WATCHWOMYN
...So the cops arrested him right after the parade wound down. He didn’t even fight it - said something about paying his debt to society. So he’s in prison now, upstate.
MATCHMAN
Good for him! I’m sure he’ll rehabilitate nicely, now that he’s changed his evil ways!
CAPTION
One week later, at VALCom HQ...
2 - WATCHWOMYN’S hand holds out a polaroid photo of the
HOMOPHOBE in a jail cell. He and another prisoner (both in standard prison jumpsuits, by the way) have their arms around each other’s shoulders. They look very happy together - a good couple.
WATCHWOMYN
He even sent me a photo of himself and his new boyfriend. Says his name’s “Spike.” They’re getting married soon, apparently. All in all...
MATCHMAN
Cool beans!
3 - Here we see the HOMOPHOBE in his cell, shirt off,
muscles bulging, pumping a hefty dumbbell with one arm and looking very much in love. His cell is fairly bare - cot, toilet, etc. - but on a shelf above his head there is a small transistor radio playing music. Musical notes in the scene indicate this, of course.
SOUND F/X
[the radio]
“Hey there, people, I’m Bobby Brown...”* 32
CAPTION ONE
“...He seems to be adjusting very well to his new outlook on life.”
CAPTION TWO
*A small tribute to the work of the late great Frank Zappa!
4 - Long view of the conference room. WATCHWOMYN has gotten
up to look out the picture window at the Manhattan skyline, hands clasped behind her back. MATCHMAN is just beginning to rise from his seat at the large round conference table.
WATCHWOMYN
And so, that’s that then. Thanks for the assist,
MATCHMAN!
MATCHMAN
Think nothing of it, WATCHWOMYN...
5 - WATCHWOMYN and MATCHMAN shake each other’s hand with a
grip that would crush the bones of a regular person.
MATCHMAN
...Someday VALCom will call upon LAVCom for assistance!
WATCHWOMYN
And when that day comes, we’ll be there! Front and center!
CAPTION
And so it ends, to everybody’s satisfaction...
6 - Close-up of an identical polaroid photo of the ex-
HOMOPHOBE and his lover in prison, lying on a table. In close proximity to it there rests the unmistakeable metal- gauntleted hand of none other than DOCTOR DEJECTION. 33
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thinks from off-panel]
I just hope they really went to town on him with the body cavity search!
CAPTION
...Well, almost everybody!
THE END