Glockenspiel Games - The Matchman, Comic 15 of 18

Page 1

THREE PANELS

1 - The usual opening shot of the New York City midtown

Manhattan skyline and the VALentine Complex building rising in the foreground.

CAPTION ONE (ABOVE)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled storyline. In other words:

CAPTION TWO - MATCHMAN SPEAKING OFF-PANEL (BELOW)

“What in the world ever happened to WILHELMINA VON KENYA?”

2 - Switch to the well-known interior of the VALCom

Conference Room. It’s a low turnout today - only MATCHMAN, LANCE CORPOREAL and SERGEANT STRIKER occupy their seats at the big round table. The room looks cold and lonely. They debate the burning question of the moment.

MATCHMAN

I mean, super villains don’t just get up and walk away! Not on my watch!

SERGEANT STRIKER

I’ve been monitoring all channels in the months since her desperate escape, MATCHY my boy! We’ve found absolute zilch!

LANCE CORPOREAL

And I’ve had a devil of a time running things here single-handedly...

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

3 - Blue-tinted view of all the main VALCom personages

gathered around a hospital bed, in which our very own DOCTOR DENDRITE still lies comatose. They look concerned and worried. She sleeps peacefully, her eyes shut. She looks a bit thinner than she has before.

LANCE CORPOREAL (OFF-PANEL)

...What with DOCTOR DENDRITE still deep in the heart of coma land!*

CAPTION

*See MATCHMAN COMICS issue number eleven, oh ye of short memory!

Page 2

FOUR PANELS

1 - The three men, heroes one and all, sit around the

conference table and continue to discuss things in a rather frustrated way. That is, until Z-GIRL comes rushing into the room, all smiles and energy, bearing good tidings.

LANCE CORPOREAL

And the neuroscience specialist to whose care we have committed her has no idea when she may emerge from it!

SERGEANT STRIKER

(startled by the sudden entrance)

It’s a tough break, all right! But something’s bound to turn - whoa there, girl! What’s the hurry! You startled the blue blazes out of me!

Z-GIRL

Stop the presses, guys! I think we have a definite lead on that nutjob’s whereabouts!

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

MATCHMAN

I hope you mean that VON KENYA creature, Z-GIRL!

2 - Z-GIRL eagerly displays her evidence of contact: a

hand-written letter. Her splayed hand is shown slapping it down on the table. The hands of the others show in the panel as they gather around to peruse it. Their voices come from heads and mouths that are off-panel.

MATCHMAN (OFF-PANEL)

We get far too many of the “nutjob” category around here! What’s this? It looks like my fan mail!

Z-GIRL (OFF-PANEL)

Oh, it’s fan mail all right - but for me!

LANCE CORPOREAL

Hmmf. I only co-founded the whole bloody setup. No bloody fan mail ever comes for me.

SERGEANT STRIKER

Who writes fan letters to sidekicks? Talk about low self-esteem!

3 - Close-up of the handwritten text of the letter. (It

doesn’t have to be legible to the actual reader, of course.)

CAPTION (Z-GIRL SPEAKING)

“You’re both just jealous, and you know it! Anyway, it’s not just any piece of fan mail! It’s from some kid out in Queens, and he’s writing to say that he’s stumbled across something big brewing out that way - something involving Nazis! There could a connection! We should follow this up!”

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

4 - MATCHMAN strikes a decisive pose, fist hammering into

outspread open palm. Z-GIRL looks psyched, too, at the thought of action. Even LANCE and the good SERGEANT look somewhat relieved at a thought of a break in the case.

MATCHMAN

Right you are, my faithful factotum! This could be the break that we’ve been looking for! Does your secret admirer provide an address?

Z-GIRL

No, but he’s arranged an undercover meet at a convenient location on the Boulevard and he said we - hey, what’s a factotum?

LANCE CORPOREAL

He probably doesn’t know himself, Z-GIRL! All right, you two toddle off to your impromptu interview - but be careful! Watch out for traps! You remember what happened the last time we went out to Queens!*

SERGEANT STRIKER

And I’ll be monitoring you every step of the way!

CAPTION

*As do you, dear reader, if you can recall the madcap antics in MATCHMAN COMICS issue number eight!

Page 3

FOUR PANELS

1 - Aerial view of MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL flying high over the

East River, as seen from below. They look very majestic.

MATCHMAN

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

It sounds to me as though this young fellow has some sort of unacknowledged crush upon you, Z- GIRL! I don’t need my MatchSpider radar to intuit that!

Z-GIRL

Believe me, boss, I’ve been thinking the same thing! He’s being ludicrously cagey about the whole thing! All this secret agent stuff, and then he arranges to meet us...

2 - Medium-range overhead view of a White Castle hamburger

franchise - to be specific, the White Castle on Queens Boulevard right next to the Queens Center Mall. Daytime.

CAPTION (Z-GIRL SPEAKING)

“...At a White Castle on Queens Boulevard!”

3 - Z-GIRL and MATCHMAN push calmly though the glass

entrance doors to the White Castle. Z-GIRL points off- panel.

MATCHMAN

Well, here we are. Now where do you suppose our young master of disguise is -

Z-GIRL

(pointing)

There.

4 - And finally we see ARNIE STETCHKIN, Jewish ninja,

slumped casually in a plastic bench seat at White Castle, sucking nonchalantly on a diet soda. He looks calm, cool, and collected, even if he is a little nervous inside on meeting the infatuation of his life, Z-GIRL, in person. ARNIE is about eighteen years old, and he looks much like a shorter, younger, slightly handsomer version of Woody Allen with a crew cut. He wears glasses with thick black rims a la Henry Kissinger, and has a somewhat large nose - again, think Woody Allen, but not to the point of stereotype or caricature. He is a high school student by day, and a practitioner of ancient Jewish (not Japanese) martial arts

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

by night. His habitual outfit is not really a ninja outfit per se, but consists of black jeans, black converse Chuck Taylor-style sneakers (of which he’s very proud and fond), a black commando sweater, and over this a black t-shirt with a white star of David spray-painted sloppily on the front. He carries the usual Japanese pair of swords, which he bought from a Pier One store at his local mall. Although he normally wears glasses, right now he is wearing a pair of sunglasses in an effort to look cool and mysterious. Which means, of course, that he is currently blind as a bat and doesn’t notice our heroes until they slide into the booth and sit down on the plastic bench across from him, as we shall see shortly on the next page.

Z-GIRL (OFF-PANEL)

“That’s gotta be him. ARNIE STETCHKIN. Self- proclaimed Jewish ninja. This oughta be good.”

Page 4

FOUR PANELS

1 - Blind as the proverbial bat, ARNIE is startled as

MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL sit down across from him at the table.

Z-GIRL

ARNIE STETCHKIN, I presume? Hi. Z-GIRL. What’s up with the corny shades?

MATCHMAN

MATCHMAN is here! Ugh! Do all White Castles smell like this?

ARNIE

What?!? Oh! You’re here! I didn’t expect - uh - wait a minute!

2 - ARNIE reaches down and exchanges his ludicrous

sunglasses for his usual set of Henry Kissinger thick- framed prescription lenses. He looks oddly better this way - like he’s not trying so hard to be someone that he isn’t.

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

ARNIE

(putting on glasses)

There - that’s better! Wow! Hi, Z-GIRL! You look even better in person than you do on the six o’clock news! Glad you got my letter!

Z-GIRL

Thanks, champ! Now what’s all this about a lead to Nazis?

3 - ARNIE leaps up from the table and strikes a classic

martial arts pose, designed to impress. Z-GIRL is amused. MATCHMAN is sniffing the air with a bemused look on his face.

ARNIE

OK, but first - allow me to introduce my badass funky kosher self! I am the one, the only -

Z-GIRL

Yeah, yeah, I read the letter. You’re ARNIE STETCHKIN, and you’re some sort of ninja or something. Now take a load off and tell us what’s up, if you really want to impress me, huh?

MATCHMAN

There it is again - that strange yet threatening odor!

4 - MATCHMAN leans over and whispers in Z-GIRL’S ear. She

waves him off as she concentrates on what ARNIE is about to say.

MATCHMAN

Be careful, Z-GIRL - there may be “sliders” about! I’ll keep a sharp watch!

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

Z-GIRL

Oh, for - yeah, you do that, boss! Okay, kid, shoot!

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

No problem, Z-GIRL! Anything for you! Okay, I’ll take it from the top...

Page 5

THREE PANELS

1 - This entire page is in sepia tone, as ARNIE recounts

his epic struggle to fight crime and make a name for himself on the unforgiving streets of Queens. The first panel shows a slightly younger, more conventionally dressed ARNIE watching T.V. with a wide-eyed expression.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

As I was saying, my name’s ARNIE STETCHKIN! I grew up here in Rego Park, and the first I heard about you guys, you were all over the news for capturing that crook Mezuzah* - right here in my own back yard, practically!

CAPTION

*Anybody remember Matchman Comics issue number 8?

2 - This panel is actually split in half by a dividing

slash. In the upper left half, a gleeful ARNIE walks out of a Pier One store with two Japanese swords, the standard katana-and-wakizashi set, cradled in his arms. In the lower right panel, we see him sitting on the living room sofa, stripped to his tightie whities, watching a bad 1980’s-era action movie, with rapt attention.

CAPTION (ARNIE SPEAKING)

So I picked up a couple of swords at the Pier One and started taking classes in ninjitsu at City

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

College! My parents thought I was completely meshugganah! I also watched a ton of bad action flicks - Invasion USA, Delta Force, Commando, Cobra, the Missing in Action movies, all the Rambo movies, of course, and anything with Dolph Lundgren in it! Or Wesley Snipes! The classics!

3 - ARNIE stands back and admires a poster of Z-GIRL that

he’s just pinned to his bedroom wall.

CAPTION (ARNIE SPEAKING)

But mostly, I decided to devote my life to fighting crime because of you, Z-GIRL! I wanted to prove myself worthy of your love! You’re the meaning in my life, Z-GIRL - you’re the inspiration!

CAPTION (Z-GIRL SPEAKING)

(amused yet oddly flattered)

The road to a girl’s heart isn’t paved with Chicago lyrics, kid! Movin’ on...

Page 6

FOUR PANELS

1 - More sepia as ARNIE continues his spiel. This panel

shows him kicking butt and taking names at a dojo somewhere in Queens. He’s actually quite proficient at the martial arts.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

...So, I busted my butt down at the dojo, taking every class I could to further my combat skills! Not just ninjitsu, but kojitsu, the Way of the Sword, and also some unarmed fighting styles. Anytime anyone made a joke about “jew-jitsu” in my presence, he went home wearing his teeth for a necklace! ‘Cause homey don’t play that!

2 - ARNIE, now accoutered in his distinctive ninja costume,

is here observed in the act of making a local playground

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

safe for democracy as he trounces some bullies/drug dealers.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

At first, I started out small! Think globally, act locally, right? So I busted up some of the local street gangs, kicked the drug dealers out of the playgrounds, and like that!

3 - A studious ARNIE is shown poring over books at a local

library. Librarians note his odd costume and stare curiously. He appears worried about the implications of what he is reading.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

But then, I stumbled across proof of an operation so big, that the implications rocked me! I knew that I was in over my head! So I decided to call in the big guns - you guys! Besides, I owed you some fan mail, Z-GIRL - I just never signed any of the others!

Z-GIRL (OFF-PANEL)

Great. You’re not that weirdo who keeps sending me black jellybeans, are you?

ARNIE AGAIN (OFF-PANEL)

No! I hate black jellybeans! Almost as much as I hate Nazis! And that’s what I’m talkin’ about here, MATCHMAN! Nothing less...

4 - Back in the present time, an agitated ARNIE slams his

fist down upon the White Castle plastic table. Z-GIRL and MATCHMAN look alarmed and curious as to his insinuations.

ARNIE

(agitated, with great emphasis)

...Than an international Nazi conspiracy! I’m talkin’ about the Fourth Reich here, guys!

Z-GIRL

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

More like the Eighth or Ninth Reich!

MATCHMAN

This is very serious stuff, ARNIE! Show us to the evidence, pronto!

Page 7

THREE PANELS

1 - A view of the outside of the Queens Center Mall, as

MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL and ARNIE walk through the entrance doors.

2 - Within the brightly-lit, multi-leveled mall interior,

we see our crimefighting trio walk into a Spencer’s Gifts store.

3 - A close-up of ARNIE’s right hand, as he holds out to

MATCHMAN a small wind-up mechanical monkey, the sort that wears a perpetual grin and clashes two small cymbals together when set in motion.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

(triumphantly)

Check it out!

MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL (OFF-PANEL IN UNISON)

What?!?

Page 8

THREE PANELS

1 - ARNIE, Z-GIRL and MATCHMAN stand in the brightly-lit

interior of Spencer’s Gifts and discuss the implications of ARNIE’s discovery.

ARNIE

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

What are you, blind? It’s a toy monkey!

Z-GIRL

Yeah, we can see that, champ! But what does this ugly thing have to do with an international Nazi conspiracy?

MATCHMAN

I always knew those things were pure evil!

2 - In one swift and sure move, ARNIE opens the monkey by

screwing its head off as though he were opening a twist-off bottle cap.

ARNIE

Here, see what I’m sayin’?

SOUND F/X

Keerunch!

3 - The three intrepid crimefighters stare at the

decapitated monkey in ARNIE’s hand. Inside of it, a mysterious device is nestled. It has a small swastika on it so that the casual reader can tell that it’s bad. Lights wink on and off across the surface of the device. An irate salesperson runs up to berate ARNIE for damaging the stock.

Z-GIRL

Huh? What the - !? But that’s - a transmitter of some kind!

ARNIE

Damn skippy! It’s a brainwashing device, tuned so as to convert innocent youth to the seductive specter of idiotic and obsolete racial doctrines!

MATCHMAN

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

We must strike at the source! Back to VALCom at once - LANCE needs to be briefed! Stat!

SALESPERSON

(running up all irate)

You break it you bought it buddy!

Page 9

THREE PANELS

1 - Interior of a subway train on the E line from Queens to

Manhattan. Z-GIRL and MATCHMAN hang from straps. ARNIE has managed to snag a seat. The subway car is semi-crowded, and all of the occupants are trying really hard not to stare at the queerly-dressed trio. And mostly succeeding - after all, this is New York City that we’re talking about.

MATCHMAN

Well, this certainly does explain the rise in neo-Nazi attitudes among the ignorant and wayward youth of America!

Z-GIRL

Inserting brain scramblers into children’s toys! Who on earth would do such a thing?

ARNIE

(matter-of-factly)

JORG MEISTERBADER.

2 - The conversation on the subway car continues, as it

stops to take on more passengers. The doors open automatically at the next platform.

Z-GIRL

Come again?

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

ARNIE

JORG MEISTERBADER. He’s a renegade toy manufacturer based out of the Black Forest region of Lower Swabia in south-western Germany. I go to work, honey lamb.

MATCHMAN

MEISTERBADER! I wonder if there could be a connection between him and VON KENYA! This is getting deep!

3 - The subway car stops at their platform, and the trio

begins to exit, still continuing their conversation.

MATCHMAN

Nazis of a feather flock together! I’ll bet that by manhandling this MEISTERBADER for a while, we could extract some information about VON KENYA’s current whereabouts!

Z-GIRL

This is taking forever! We should have flown back! I can’t believe you’re that afraid of flying!

ARNIE

I’m not afraid of flying! I’m afraid of plummeting thirty thousand feet to a hideous death by cement poisoning! There’s a big difference!

Page 10

FOUR PANELS

1 - Exterior shot of VALentine Complex. Daylight.

CAPTION

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

Finally, back at VALentine Complex...

LANCE CORPOREAL (OFF-PANEL)

(speech balloon emanating from building)

I don’t like it, MATCHMAN! It’s too chancy!

MATCHMAN

(speech balloon emanating from building)

It’s a risk that we’re going to have to take, LANCE! There’s no two ways about it!

2 - Inside the lounge area of VALCom, LANCE CORPOREAL and

MATCHMAN discuss ways and means, while ARNIE marvels at his current surroundings and Z-GIRL gives him the ten-cent tour.

LANCE CORPOREAL

(agitated)

But if the two of you go wafting off to Swabia, that will leave us short-handed here at home! What if DOCTOR DEJECTION decides to strike while you’re away?

MATCHMAN

He’s been fairly quiescent lately! Besides, we absolutely must nab VON KENYA while there’s still time! I recall her fiendish monologue about her plans to rule the earth! The fox must be run to ground!

ARNIE

Wow...I can’t believe I’m actually in the VALCom lounge itself! This rocks ass! So what do you guys do in here?

Z-GIRL

(somewhat abashed)

Um, drink coffee and watch the news, mostly...

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

3 - The VALCom Conference Room. All four of the previous

panel’s participants are present. ARNIE is still awed by the fact that he’s actually in the Complex, but he’s trying to play it off like it ain’t no thang -- unsuccessfully, however.

Z-GIRL

I have to agree with MATCHMAN! Although I never encountered her personally, this WILHELMINA VON KENYA character sounds like one the toughest and most resourceful threats that VALCom has ever had to face!

MATCHMAN

And this MEISTERBADER may be our only link! The sooner we get to Swabia and spank both him and his monkeys, the sooner we can rest easy!

LANCE CORPOREAL

I still don’t like it! That’ll leave me, SERGEANT STRIKER, and the DOUBLESIGN TWINS to mind the shop - what with the kiddies in school again now!

ARNIE

How exactly are we getting to Swabia? You know I don’t -

4 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL streak across the sky, somewhere

over the mid-Atlantic. ARNIE clings bravely to MATCHMAN’s broad back.

ARNIE

- Like flying! Are we there yet? It’s freaking freezing up here!

MATCHMAN

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

Have no fear - Swabia is near! And the jet stream is nice and clear...today.

Z-GIRL

Ouch! You’re slipping, boss!

Page 11

THREE PANELS

1 - A shadowy chamber deep in the bowels of JORG

MEISTERBADER’s secret toy factory in the Black Forest. Through the gloom we can dimly make out an armored figure, seated, who is in fact JORG himself. His head is indiscernible in the evil twilight, as is the room itself. A larger figure, perhaps ten feet tall, but somewhat thin, lurks nearby, equally indiscernible.

JORG MEISTERBADER

Is my battle armor ready, CLOCKFACE?

CLOCKFACE

Almost, (tick) mein Spielzeugfuehrer!*

CAPTION

*literally, “Toy Leader,” in German.

2 - A pair of curiously carved articulated wooden hands,

full of scrollwork and filigree, place a strange helmet on JORG MEISTERBADER’s head, completely obscuring what little we could see of his features beforehand. Try not to make the helmet too coal-scuttlish - it’s been done to death.

CLOCKFACE

Final touch (tock) - the helm! Now iss complete (tick)!

JORG MEISTERBADER

Splendid!

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

3 - A shadowy JORG MEISTERBADER rises from his seated

position. He looks positively nefarious in his new helmet. Gloom still pervades. The tall carved wooden robot steps aside in the darkness.

JORG MEISTERBADER

No longer shall I be known to the world as JORG MEISTERBADER, mild-manner manufacturer of quality playthings! From this moment on, I am...

Page 12

ONE BIG PANEL

1 - One can almost hear the thunderous crash of cymbals as

the lights flare on, and JORG MEISTERBADER, or, as we now must refer to him as, DER GLOCKENSPIEL, flings his arms wide in a threatening, all-encompassing gesture. DER GLOCKENSPIEL wears a suit of battle armor, complete with helm so that we can’t see his face. The main component of this battle armor is a large, well, glockenspiel, which completely covers his torso like the chest-plate of a baseball umpire. We now see that he has risen from a sort of throne, in a vast chamber, which bears the appearance of a demented neo-Nazi version of a “Babes in Toyland” set. The room is chock-full of platoons of giant mechanical monkeys, some with cymbals, some of the drum-banging variety. All wear their ghoulish grins, as well as swastika armbands. Slightly behind DER GLOCKENSPIEL looms CLOCKFACE, a ten-foot tall wooden robot who appears to have been assembled from Black Forest-style cuckoo clocks. He is covered with curlicues and filigree. His face is, naturally, that of a clock, with Roman numerals to mark the hours. He does not appear to have eyes or a mouth. In his forehead is a small door, from which, one might assume, a cuckoo will from time to time issue.

JORG MEISTERBADER AKA DER GLOCKENSPIEL

...DER GLOCKENSPIEL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Page 13

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

THREE PANELS

1 - DER GLOCKENSPIEL (as we must now, I suppose, refer to

him) and CLOCKFACE appear to be engaged in a heated discussion across a table with an entity that we can’t, as yet, see.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

Your offer is tempting, but there are concerns about your Mistress’s recent successes that must be addressed before any action can be taken!

CLOCKFACE

Vat (tick) he said (tock), ja!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE OFF-PANEL

And just what concerns would these be, gentlemen?

2 - We are now able to see that DER GLOCKENSPIEL and

CLOCKFACE appear to be arguing with the head of a small dog in silhouette. The small dog appears to be winged.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

Her quest for the bartered alien technology is going far too well for our liking! We want a cut of the proceeds - otherwise we fear that we will merely become her minions and not her comrades- in-arms!

CLOCKFACE

It iss all too (tick) likely that thiss negotiation (tock) tac-(tick)-tic is a rruse, mein Spielzeugfuehrer! Even (tock) now, the defenses should be manned (tick)! Schnell!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE OFF-PANEL

Don’t be any more ridiculous than you can help,

CLOCKFACE...

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

3 - As the vantage point reverses itself suddenly, we can

now see that the two criminals have been having a chat with adorable little SCHLINKENHAMMER, WILHELMINA VON KENYA’s flying dachshund sidekick from issue 13. He still looks cute as he lays down the law in Swabia. His appearance? A dachshund with wings. ‘Nuff said.

SCHLINKENHAMMER

...You know as well as do I that my mistress is many thousands of kilometers from here at the moment!

CLOCKFACE (OFF-PANEL)

Zo (tock) you ssay!

Page 14

FOUR PANELS

1 - A silhouette shot of DER GLOCKENSPIEL’s mysterious toy

factory/fortress in the heart of the forbidding Black Forest. It looks vaguely like a medieval castle; something out of Mad King Ludwig’s fancies, like the one that was copied for Walt Disney World. A sickle moon rises in the cold dark blue sky above the facility; it sits atop a small hill. One can almost hear the wolves howling.

CAPTION (ARNIE SPEAKING)

“Well, there it is, dudes - MR. MEISTERBADER’s little love nest. What’s the plan?”

2 - In the midst of the wilderness night, we see ARNIE,

MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL some distance away, prone at the edge of a cliff, at a perfect observation point. ARNIE is holding binoculars to his eyes.

MATCHMAN

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

It’s anyone’s guess as to the exact nature of his twisted arsenal! MEISTERBADER obviously has the entire Black Forest in his strong grip!

Z-GIRL

I don’t know if we’re up to plowing through whatever insane toy army he’s got in there!

ARNIE

Peep this, dogs...

3 - ARNIE turns to his cohorts, a look of homicidal boyish

glee lighting up his eyes like menorahs at Chanukah.

ARNIE

...This is the moment I’ve been waiting for! I can use my bad ninja skillz to slip in there and snatch MEISTERBADER and force him to pay his billz! Whaddaya say? You up?

4 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL exchange looks of consternation and

concern as they consider ARNIE’s brash proposal.

Z-GIRL

Well, it only makes sense to use a ninja if we bring him along for the ride, right?

MATCHMAN

As long as he doesn’t try to kill anything invulnerable!

Page 15

TWO PANELS

1 - DER GLOCKENSPIEL thunders his response to

SCHLINKENHAMMER’s overtures down at the cute little winged

MATCHMAN COMIC SCRIPT NO. 15

“THE ULTIMA THULE PROJECT, PART TWO: GLOCKENSPIEL GAMES”

dachshund, as a paranoid CLOCKFACE heads out of the conference to check the defenses of the fortress.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

Then our response must be a flat refusal! I shall never acknowledge that madwoman VON KENYA as the leader of our movement, technology or no technology! The answer is “No!” These negotiations are terminated!

CLOCKFACE

I susspect (tick) somezing! I muzt (tock) inspect our (tick) defenses at (tock) w- (tock) wun- (tock) wun- (tick) in ein Augenblick!

2 - SCHLINKENHAMMER from a low, low, very low angle

viewpoint, so that he looks almost imposing. He strikes a Wagnerian pose as he hurls his response.

SCHLINKENHAMMER

So, that is your final answer, then? It is about what I expect from such an army of fools! My mistress will be most displeased!

Page 16

FIVE PANELS

1 - In stylish Frank Miller outline style, ARNIE

decapitates two of the mechanical monkeys that are guarding a small side gate of the fortress. It’s still night out. Searchlights from the fortress probe the night outside in long sweeping slashes.

ARNIE

(thinks)

Sword of Gideon!

SOUND F/X

Wsssssshh! Thunk! Thunk!

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2 - Another monkey lies on the pavement, inoperational,

twin “throwing stars of David” lodged in what were its eyes. ARNIE stands over the thing triumphantly, ready to silently retrieve his throwing stars. (They are, of course, shaped like the Star of David that is on the flag of Israel, and are yellow in color.)

ARNIE

(thinks)

Throwing stars of David!

3 - On the battlements, CLOCKFACE, manning a searchlight

that probes deep into the night, manages to catch ARNIE in its beam against a deserted stretch of wall. CLOCKFACE points an elongated arm and finger at ARNIE as he yells at him.

CLOCKFACE

Aha! It (tick) iss a sneak attack (tock) after all! Halten sie!

ARNIE

(thinks, surprised)

Golan Globus!

4 - Caught in the beam of the searchlight, ARNIE sends a

handful of “throwing stars of David” straight at the source of the light.

ARNIE

Your mother’s an astronaut!

SOUND F/X

Fwizzzzzzz!

5 - CLOCKFACE recoils as a “throwing star of David” whizzes

out of the night and straight into the searchlight lens,

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shattering it in a shower of sparks and rendering the night dark once again!

CLOCKFACE

Aaaaaaaaa(tick)aaaaaaaaargh!

SOUND F/X

Skrash!

Page 17

FOUR PANELS

1 - Outside shot of the fortress at night, as alarms go

off, searchlights roam the darkness, and robot monkeys scramble for battle stations.

CAPTION

And...all hell breaks loose!

SOUND F/X

Wreeeeeooooow! Wreeeeeeeoooooow! Whonk! Whonk! Wreeeeeooooow! Whonk! Klang klang klang klang! Etc. Etc. Etc.

2 - Even in the inner sanctum, the alarms are heard,

jolting DER GLOCKENSPIEL from his confrontation with SCHLINKENHAMMER. He turns, surprised at the unforeseen ruckus emanating from outside.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

(visibly surprised)

What the - ! So CLOCKFACE was right! It was a trap, all along! Even now, your two-faced owner is attacking us!

SCHLINKENHAMMER

(fluttering up agitated) Impossible! She is thousands of kilometers away in the Antarctic! This is the truth! I swear it!

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SOUND F/X

Wreeeeeeoooooow! Wreeeeeeoooow! Wreeeeeooooow!

3 - DER GLOCKENSPIEL makes an angry grab for SCHLINK in

midair, which the small dog deftly avoids.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

(furious)

I will crush you with my bare hands, schweinhund!

SCHLINKENHAMMER

Butterfingern!

SOUND F/X

Grab! Swisssh!

4 - DER GLOCKENSPIEL rages impotently at SCHLINKENHAMMER as

the crafty small flying dog zooms away out of a convenient window high up on the far wall. The klaxons scream on of imminent breach of the complex.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

Your mistress will suffer a thousand deaths for this outrageous attack upon a blood brother!

SCHLINKENHAMMER

You are a fool, and, like all fools, must fight your own battles! Spater!

SOUND F/X

Wreeeeoooooow! Wreeeeeooooow! Wreeeeeeooooow!

Page 18

THREE PANELS

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1 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL barrel down an interior hallway of

the MEISTERBADER fortress, bowling over an entire phalanx of giant robot Nazi cymbal monkeys in the process.

MATCHMAN

There’s no time to lose! We have to save ARNIE’s hide before MEISTERBADER gets a grasp on the situation!

Z-GIRL

Are you talking like that on purpose?

SOUND F/X

Whap! Bam! Pow! Krunk! Whomp! Biff! Socko!

2 - In another part of the gloomy fortress, DER

GLOCKENSPIEL runs to the source of the fracas, determined to stop all of the nonsense that has erupted within the confines of his stronghold.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

(thinks)

And to think that she tried to convince me that VALentine Complex was threatening to attack me - just so that she could divert my suspicions from her own attack, here, now! VALCom would never suspect me! After all, I haven’t done anything yet to attract their attention! They can’t possibly be on to me! Such perfidy!

SOUND F/X

Wreeeeeeoooow! Wreeeeeoooow! Wreeeeeoooooow!

3 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL are in a heavy monkey melee as they

plow their way inexorably towards the main Babes-in- Toyland-style throne hall.

MATCHMAN

Take that! (urfff) Like what?

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Z-GIRL

You know, that constant (umph) stream of...you know, references, to... Oh, forget I said anything!

SOUND F/X

Wham! Clink! Clatter! Pow! Boff! Thunk! Whoom!

Page 19

FOUR PANELS

1 - This is the first of four different and separate

vantage points scattered around the main Babes-in-Toyland- themed throne room - they won’t all be connected until the next page, really. This first panel is of a disconcerted DER GLOCKENSPIEL staring at the combat that is ensuing at the very heart of his supposedly impregnable fortress.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

(eyes wide in disbelief)

Gott im Himmel! It is them! VALCom has come for me! The dog was not lying! The vixen was right - dead right! Now what do I do?

SOUND F/X (OFF-PANEL)

Whap! Boom! Ching! Clank! Smash! Klunk! Thoom!

2 - This next panel has ARNIE and CLOCKFACE duking it out

on a low dais at one end of the throne chamber. CLOCKFACE is now using what looks like a greatly enlarged, and sharpened, set of hour and minute hands, one in each of his hands, to fight against ARNIE’s set of Japanese swords. The two are locked in combat. CLOCKFACE looms above ARNIE. They regard each other with hatred and contempt.

ARNIE

I must break you!

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CLOCKFACE

To tha tick tock ya don’t stop stop!

SOUND F/X

Kaklang!

3 - MATCHMAN is depicted here in the act of ripping up a

big chunk of the Babes-in-Toyland scenery and using it to demolish yet another platoon of robot monkeys.

MATCHMAN

(thinks)

References? What references? I have no idea what she’s talking about!

SOUND F/X

Keerunch!

4 - Z-GIRL is waist-deep in a crowd of robot monkeys who

are desperately trying to cymbal-clash her to death. She’s making short work of them with her fists and feet of fury.

Z-GIRL

No shprecken zee doitsh, baby!

SOUND F/X

Whap! Bam! Smash! Klang! Klang! Thud! Grunch!

Page 20

ONE BIG PANEL

1 - We now get the whole entire panoramic battle scene, all

at once, as the central throne hall is rocked with prolonged and total hand-to-hand combat between the forces of obvious good and equally obvious evil. DER GLOCKENSPIEL has charged and tackled MATCHMAN on his blind side, while Z-GIRL continues to square off in the middle of an ever-

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deepening ring of Nazi robot cymbal monkeys, and ARNIE and CLOCKFACE continue their monomachy.

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

(frenzied)

Yaaaah! I will teach you the meaning of pain!

MATCHMAN

(astonished)

Yaphet Kotto!

ARNIE

(to CLOCKFACE)

You ever play roulette, goon? Always bet on black!

SOUND F/X

Kawham! Bam! Thud! Bash! Smash! Crash! Slash! etc.

Page 21

THREE PANELS

1 - The next two pages contain a series of three two-panel

resolutions of each of the individual combats depicted on the previous big splash page. First up, we have Z-GIRL in her fight against a horde of the giant Nazi cymbal monkeys. She deals out punishment with her fists to the right and to the left, as they attempt to “cymbal” her, unsuccessfully.

Z-GIRL

Laugh while you can, monkey boy!

SOUND F/X

Whap! Bam! Thud! Klang! Klash! Chunk! Wham! Krash!

2 - Z-GIRL stands victorious, hip-deep in a heap of

dismembered robot monkey chassis.

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Z-GIRL

That was more fun than a barrel full of...oh, wait...geez, it’s like telling someone how well your hotcakes are selling!

3 - ARNIE and CLOCKFACE square off, swords against

clockhands, in mortal and personal combat. The artwork for these two panels should be that pseudo-Frank Miller style mentioned earlier, befitting ARNIE’s status as a comic book ninja. CLOCKFACE overextends himself on a lunge with his minute hand. ARNIE dodges deftly.

CLOCKFACE

Ssuck my (tick) clock!

ARNIE

Kiss my Converse!

Page 22

THREE PANELS

1 - ARNIE beheads CLOCKFACE with one swift stylish stroke.

As CLOCKFACE’s severed head goes flying, a cuckoo comes popping out of the little door in his forehead on a spring. No words are exchanged.

SOUND F/X

Fwizzzzsh! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

2 - MATCHMAN and DER GLOCKENSPIEL are engaged in hand-to-

hand combat here. MATCHMAN executes a hands-upward breaking maneuver, shattering DER GLOCKENSPIEL’s hold around his waist and throwing him backwards, off-balance.

MATCHMAN

Hands off the merchandise, Nazi scum!

DER GLOCKENSPIEL

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Urmff! Slipped through my fingers!

SOUND F/X

Whomp!

3 - MATCHMAN pummels the reeling DER GLOCKENSPIEL with a

series of body blows, playing a crude tune upon his glockenspiel chestplate and incidentally rendering him unconscious. Musical notes and staffs fill the air in this panel.

MATCHMAN

This just doesn’t sound the same without a sousaphone and a drum majorette!

DER GLOCKSPIEL

Urrrrgh!

CAPTION

MATCHMAN is actually playing a crude rendition of “Greensleeves” here, folks!

SOUND F/X

Plink! Plonk! Tink! Tank! Tink! Plink! Plonk!

Page 23

FOUR PANELS

1 - Close-up of CLOCKFACE’s shattered, sprung head between

ARNIE’s feet. ARNIE’s voice comes down from above.

ARNIE (OFF-PANEL)

Peace out, adversary! You weren’t half bad...for a punk! I am the shiznik!

2 - MATCHMAN lends Z-GIRL a hand as she clambers out of the

center of a pile of deactivated robot monkeys. Piles of said monkeys litter the trashed throne hall.

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MATCHMAN

Allow me to lend you a helping hand, Z-GIRL!

Z-GIRL

Thanks, big guy! Looks like ARNIE made out okay over there in his first big battle!

3 - MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL gather around ARNIE to congratulate

him on his combat performance. Z-GIRL plants a tenuous kiss on ARNIE’s cheek, making him blush with pride and shyness.

MATCHMAN

Congratulations, MR. STETCHKIN! Excellent work! You’ll make a welcome addition to the team...that is, if your parents will sign the release form!

Z-GIRL

Awesome work, ARNIE! You’ve taken your first step into a larger world!

ARNIE

(embarrassed at the praise and the kiss)

Awww...um...Ain’t no thang!

4 - Close-up of DER GLOCKENSPIEL lying unconscious on the

floor of his throne room, with Babes-in-Toyland-style wreckage scattered around his senseless figure.

MATCHMAN (OFF-PANEL)

Now all that remains is to choke some secrets out of this chicken! I’m sure it’ll be a gripping saga!

Z-GIRL (OFF-PANEL)

There! You did it again! Twice! Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

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Page 24

FOUR PANELS

1 - MATCHMAN wrenches off DER GLOCKENSPIEL’s battle helm

and casually tosses it aside, revealing the bruised and battered countenance of none other than toy magnate JORG

MEISTERBADER.

Z-GIRL

Three guess as to who that is!

ARNIE

Hey! That’s that clown MEISTERBADER! I recognize him from the research I did at the library! Wonder where he got the wacked-out armor?

MATCHMAN

Right you are, true believers! And now...

SOUND F/X

Clunk!

2 - A befuddled JORG MEISTERBADER sings like a canary as

MATCHMAN grills him as to the dreaded WILHELMINA VON KENYA’s current whereabouts. ARNIE threatens him with his wakizashi.

MATCHMAN

All right, you wretched racist toymonger! Talk! Where is WILHELMINA VON KENYA?

Z-GIRL

You heard the man! Spill it!

ARNIE

I could maybe persuade him a little?

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JORG MEISTERBADER

No, no...I’ll tell you everything...(sob)...my beautiful toy empire...(sniff) dissolved into thin air! Like that! And all because of...(sob)...her!

CAPTION

“...He’s going to tell us everything he knows about a certain madwoman who’s run amok!”

3 - JORG MEISTERBADER, from a grovelling position on the

rubble-strewn floor, explains tearfully up at his captors how the true situation lies with regard to their quarry.

JORG MEISTERBADER

She isn’t even (choke) here, MATCHMAN! She never was! She’s thousands of kilometers away in (sob) Antarctica! She gave me what I (sniff) thought was a cock-and-bull story about alien technologies bartered to the original Nazis decades ago during the war, and since abandoned in the ice! Oh yes - one idea was uppermost in her mind! She wanted to find an actual flying saucer - one that the Third Reich had left on autopilot high in the atmosphere - and loaded with enough thermonuclear warheads to turn an entire continent into a sea of radioactive glass!

MATCHMAN (OFF-PANEL)

Gasp! The nuclear frisbee! Then there’s no time to lose!

4 - A staunch MATCHMAN turns to the camera, flanked by Z-

GIRL and ARNIE STETCHKIN, both equally grim of purpose. A steely look enters his eye as he sets the stage for the next, and final, installment of the ”Ultima Thule” storyline.

MATCHMAN

If VON KENYA gets her grubby Nazi mitts on that thing, then the safety of the entire world will

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be at stake! Our course of action is clear! Form up, team! We’ve got to locate that lunatic in Antarctica tout suite and stop her before she finds that nuclear frisbee!

ARNIE

Um...the what?

Z-GIRL

It’s a long story! I’ll tell you later!

CAPTION

Talk about a cliffhanger ending! Tune in next time for the third and final installment of the Ultima Thule Project storyline, as MATCHMAN and WILHELMINA VON Kenya go head-to-head in the wastes of Antarctica as they battle for nothing less than global supremacy! Don’t dare miss MATCHMAN’s stunning sixteenth issue:

UNTERGANGSTA!

THE END