The Matchman
Page 1
THREE PANELS
1 - We begin the seventeenth chapter of our epic with an oblique close-up view of the late WILHELMINA VON KENYA’S face, frozen in stop-motion on a small video screen. She bears the frenzied face of hate that she rode to her fall at the end of the previous issue. Striation and faded color should indicate the video nature of the pictorial. No words and no captions.
2 - As we pull back a bit, the video image never changes. Instead, lying near the screen on the instrument panel of which it is a part, we see a characteristic sight: the iron-gauntleted hand of the one and only DOCTOR DEJECTION. His other arm, barely seen, is apparently propping up his hooded chin, which is at present out of panel. Still no words and no captions.
3 - To the proximity of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S hand is added that of DISCORDIA. Her trademark golden glowing diva glove twirls her inevitable Golden Apple by its stem. Her voice glides in from off-panel.
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
So, like, whaddaya think, DOCTOR D.?
Page 2
FOUR PANELS
1 - As our view recedes a bit, we find ourselves looking at the long-lost underground sheet-metal world of the B.L.A.H. Headquarters, somewhere beneath the urban wasteland of northern . DOCTOR DEJECTION sits in his command swivel chair, chin propped on fist, and stares at the frozen video image of WILHELMINA VON KENYA. He muses aloud. Next to him stands DISCORDIA, and her glowing golden body arcs gracefully beside his chair as she bends in to kibitz, lazily toying with her Golden Apple.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I’m not sure what to think, DISCORDIA. It appears that we may have lost a potential ally in that peculiar fracas down in last week.
DISCORDIA
Aw, c’mon, DOC! She was a whackjob, plain and simple! Don’t cry me a river here!
2 - DOCTOR DEJECTION looks up and over at his cohort. If his blank hooded face could look wistful, it would at this point.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
It’s just such a colossal waste of a fine talent for evil! It’s...tragic!
DISCORDIA
Yeah, yeah, tragic like when Michael left the ! Ya still got me, right?
3 - DISCORDIA bends down to look DOCTOR DEJECTION full in the hood, grinning evilly. This is a medium close-up shot of the two profiles in conversation.
DISCORDIA
Like, will ya snap out of it, boss? We got places to go and people to do! I rilly hate it when you get like this! Capeesh?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Yes, yes, I suppose you’re right. Still, what we couldn’t have accomplished together...sigh.
4 - Cut to a shot of EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPER FICIAL! entering the B.L.A.H. command room from behind DOCTOR DEJECTION’S big command chair. SUPER FICIAL! is his usual smoldering self, and EL BURRO BANDITO appears to be devouring a pair of convenience store microwaveable burritos, one in each prehensile hoof. He is not a tidy eater. We see DOCTOR DEJECTION’S face as they announce their support for his cause. He looks less than thrilled.
SUPER FICIAL!
Put your mind at ease, esteemed leader! You still have your loyal troops to command! Right, EL BURRO BANDITO?
EL BURRO BANDITO
[while eating]
Right, SUPER FICIAL! Eeeh-awh! Eeeh-awh! Choo still gots us, mank! Choo want a burrito? Eeet’s still warm! Que sabroso, cabron!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[sotto voce]
Oh for the love of Mike...
Page 3
FOUR PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION leaps from his chair in an access of fury and rounds on his erstwhile soldiers, finger pointing accusingly. DISCORDIA leans back, eyes wide with astonishment, as she frantically bobbles her Apple, careful not to drop it. SUPER FICIAL! flinches instinctively. Only EL BURRO BANDITO, burrito goo dripping down his chin and front, appears unfazed by the blast of wrath.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[shouting]
What do I have? I have nothing! You miserable pack of incompetents are not fit to breathe the same air of evil that that woman once did!
DISCORDIA
Yikes!
SUPER FICIAL!
Oh God please don’t hurt me!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[chewing calmly]
That is you opinion, hombre, an’ you is entitled to eet...
2 - DOCTOR DEJECTION, in a towering rage, stares down at the calm and collected spectacle of a half-man, half-donkey hybrid talking with his mouth full of food.
EL BURRO BANDITO
[still chewing]
...But I bet I can change eet pronto!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[dangerously quietly]
You have exactly ten seconds to persuade me not to tear you apart on the subatomic level, you insufferable beast.
SUPER FICIAL!
[off-panel]
Be careful, BURRO! I know that tone, and the boss man isn’t playing around!
3 - EL BURRO BANDITO gestures grandly behind him with a slovenly prehensile hoof, still wet with burrito drippings, as a figure begins to emerge from the shadows at the far end of the underground headquarters chamber!
EL BURRO BANDITO
[smugly]
Hokay, mank! Ees like thees! I wass taking my siesta at my favorite local theme restaurant, an’ I met an ol’ associate from my bona fide bandito days south of the border! Lo an’ behold, he say he also know la chica negra loca y muerte! Check eet out, boss...
4 - A peculiar new figure emerges from the shadows of the command bunker and stands revealed for all to see. This is the triumphant debut of a new villain, THE ANTISEMIT. This odd fellow is dressed like a cross between a sheik and a cowboy, with elements of both in his costume. Essentially Semitic/Arabic in appearance, he is wearing blue jeans beneath a flowing set of djellabah robes. He is also wearing a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, and a bolo tie. His speech is a bizarre mixture of the worst tones of Texan and Arabic accents. (Think something along the lines of the current occupant of the White House crossed with the King of Jordan.) He is a bit on the thin side, and boasts a scraggly beard. As his professional name implies, and as we shall soon see from the content of his speech, he is a vehement anti-Semite. He strides forth proudly in all his natty racist glory. You can cut the astonishment in the air with a knife.
EL BURRO BANDITO
[off-panel]
...Allow me to eentroduce TEX ALI, otherwise known as THE ANTISEMIT!
THE ANTISEMIT
Whoah thar, SENOR BURRO! No real names, please! Ah prefer mah professional monicker, thank yah verrah much! Howdy, folks! How’s by ya’ll?
Page 4
THREE PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DEJECTION stands nonplussed as THE ANTISEMIT takes his hand in a friendly neighborly grip and yanks his entire metal arm up and down like a pump handle. THE ANTISEMIT is effusive in his greetings. The DOCTOR is not amused.
THE ANTISEMIT
It’s a distinct pleasure to make yer acquaintance, DOCTOR DEJECTION, suh! Ah’ve herd so much about yuh!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I take it that you are a refugee from the same traveling carnival sideshow which once housed that pint-sized Baba Louie look-alike over there?
2 - Turning to the side, THE ANTISEMIT doffs his ten-gallon hat in a low bow towards DISCORDIA, treating her as though she were the proverbial “flower of white womanhood.” DISCORDIA, unlike the DOCTOR, is highly amused, as this sort of antebellum gallantry is completely and utterly foreign to her. She plays along and camps it up, Scarlett O’Hara style.
THE ANTISEMIT
And Miss DISCORDIA, ma’am, I must say that you are as pretty as a picture, you are! How do you do?
DISCORDIA
Why, like, ah do dee-clare! Mister ANTISEMIT, suh, you, like, do say the sweetest things!
3 - THE ANTISEMIT turns aside and sweeps his arms as he indicates the spartan furnishings of the command bunker around him, commenting on the décor. Meanwhile, DOCTOR DEJECTION and DISCORDIA put their heads together behind him to hold a quick confab regarding the question of his sanity.
THE ANTISEMIT
Well, heck, I didn’t know there was this much space in all of New Jersey! This place is Texas-style roomy! No wonder EL BURRO blindfolded me in order to bring me here! No sense risking a breach of security, nosirree bob!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[whispering]
An obvious lunatic, and of an unprepossessing appearance. I’m in no mood today. I say we fry him where he stands on general principles.
DISCORDIA
[whispering]
Yeah, I’m gonna hafta concur with ya on that first part, DOC! But let’s wait a bit and see what he has to say. For all we know, he might have an ace up his sleeve. After all, we can, like, always waste him later!
Page 5
FOUR PANELS
1 - In a trice, our various nefarious characters are seated in a circle of chairs, holding a confab. DOCTOR DEJECTION is in his usual command swivel chair, with DISCORDIA perched sexily on the arm of said chair. EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPER FICIAL! are seating on two metal folding chairs of the sort that one finds at church socials and bingo parlors. THE ANTISEMIT is walking back and forth as he agitatedly pours forth his spiel. He has obviously been talking for some time, as his audience looks a bit bored.
THE ANTISEMIT
[frenzied]
...And so, folks, you can easily see how it is impossible to deny the obvious fact that members of the Jewish puhsuasion control the entire media, government, banking and big business organizations of this our fair land! It’s the plain and simple truth! Plus, they also drink the blood of Christian babies! I read it in the Dearborn Independent, so yuh just know it’s got tah be true! Scout’s honor!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[bored to tears]
You don’t say.
SUPER FICIAL!
[yawning audibly]
Ho-hum!
CAPTION
One incoherent hour later...
2 - Close-up of DOCTOR DEJECTION and DISCORDIA as they murmur to each other. In the background, THE ANTISEMIT dithers on, oblivious to the world.
DISCORDIA
[whispering]
So, like, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[whispering]
Only if you’re thinking “terminate with extreme prejudice!” Ready when you are!
THE ANTISEMIT
[off-panel]
...Blah blah blah Elders of Zion blah blah Henry Ford blah blah child sacrifice blah blah ZOG blah blah blah world-wide conspiracy blah blah blah Holocaust blah blah blah...
3 - From a vantage point directly behind the command swivel chair, we watch as DOCTOR DEJECTION points one of his hands and DISCORDIA aims her Golden Apple at the back of THE ANTISEMIT, who is lecturing with one arm behind his back and the other hand in the air, waving a finger pointedly.
THE ANTISEMIT
...And so, in conclusion, I do buhlieve that I have proven mah point that the so-called VALentine Command unit is nothing more than a Jewish controlled and dominated conspiracy to usurp control of the city from its rightful owners! That is why I must propose the following plan to roll back the hideous plot now brewing within this front for the Elders of Zion! My plan is classically simple, folks...
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[whispering]
Aim for the sweetbreads!
DISCORDIA
[whispering]
Like, duh!
4 - Suddenly, THE ANTISEMIT whirls about in his tracks to shout his plan right into the surprised faces of his erstwhile executioners. Astounded at its utility, they hold their fire and reel back a pace or two.
THE ANTISEMIT
...Nothing less than the kidnapping and holding for ransom of the young Jewess who serves as a control for the Zionist hierarchy within VALCom! I’m talking about AZUSA ZEITZLER, lady and gentlemen...otherwise known as Z-GIRL!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Stop the presses! That’s brilliant! Hold your fire!
DISCORDIA
Like, I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while!
Page 6
FOUR PANELS
1 - The scene shifts abruptly to the traditional exterior view of the VALCom Building, within which a long-awaited ceremony is taking place.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[speech balloon emanating from building]
...And on behalf of the entire VALCom community, it is my great pleasure to welcome you back to the world of the fully awake!
CAPTION
Meanwhile, across the Hudson and a few blocks downtown...
2 - Interior shot of the Conference Room in the depths of the VALCom Building. It’s a full house today, with all of the VALCom personnel in attendance: LANCE CORPOREAL, Z-GIRL, ARNIE STETCHKIN the Jewish Ninja, KIMOKO the Japanese Intelligence Agent, SUZANNE GRACE, CORBIN and CLEMENTINE the TWINS (remember them?), SERGEANT STRIKER, and SCOTT SUFFIX, who, as we recall from the last issue, is now currently completely powerless. (If the artist feels like it, he can even have FORBIN THE TONGUE COLOSSUS peeking in the plate-glass windows thirty stories up.) All of them chime in a welcoming chorus to DOCTOR DENDRITE, who presides at the head of the table, recently awakened from her coma.
ALL
[shouted chorus]
Three cheers for DOCTOR DENDRITE! Hooray!
3 - DOCTOR DENDRITE and LANCE CORPOREAL embrace in medium close-up. It is a tender moment for both.
LANCE CORPOREAL
We thought we’d lost you, old chum!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
It’s good to be back home, LANCE! I missed you!
4 - Long perspective shot of the entire length of the circular conference table. Everyone is now seated, except for DOCTOR DENDRITE, who presides at one point in the table’s circumference, which then, by arbitrary selection, becomes the head of the table. She is giving a short speech, with everyone listening attentively.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Thank you all so very much, my loyal comrades in arms! I am glad to be at last fully recovered from DISCORDIA’S vicious assault! But we mustn’t let ourselves get complacent at this joyous juncture in time! The B.L.A.H. Corporation is always on the move, and we here at VALCom must be twice as fast!
Page 7
THREE PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DENDRITE continues to address her audience.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
In the depths of my coma, I had a vision of a stupendous device that would allow VALCom to definitively pinpoint the perfect partner for every man and woman on the face of the earth!
2 - A silhouette of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S talking head is here superimposed over her recumbent body lying in a hospital bed and the shadowy bulk of a mysterious device of some kind. This latter is what will become the Genetic Harmony Center apparatus.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Using the most advanced techniques of modern science, the Genetic Harmony Center will involve matching human beings infallibly based upon genetic profiling!
3 - DOCTOR DENDRITE concludes her revelatory speech to the tune of mass applause from her impressed compatriots.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Best of all, the core apparatus of the Genetic Harmony device can be adapted from existing machinery already in place in my laboratory! I shall begin work at once! Wish me luck, my loyal friends!
ALL
Hooray for DOCTOR DENDRITE!
SOUND F/X
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
Page 8
FOUR PANELS
1 - As the meeting breaks up, KIMOKO manages to buttonhole Z-GIRL for a few moments of private conversation.
KIMOKO
A thousand pardons, Z-GIRL, but may I speak with you for a moment?
Z-GIRL
Um, yeah, sure, KIMOKO! Say, how are those new powers of yours working out? That density thing?
2 - Close-up of KIMOKO and Z-GIRL talking.
KIMOKO
It is very odd that you should ask me that, because my power of density alteration is the reason behind why I am forced to ask a favor of you today!
Z-GIRL
Hey, ask away! But what’s wrong with your special ability? I thought it rocked!
3 - Sepiatoned shot of KIMOKO taking a bath in her bathtub, a few days ago. She looks pretty good without any clothes on, even if she does happen to be covered with strategically applied soapsuds, so that the viewer can’t really see anything. She appears to be humming contentedly to herself.
KIMOKO (IN CAPTION)
“Well, it does and it doesn’t! A few days ago I was taking a bubble bath in my apartment, and my power kicked on more or less by accident!”
4 - Still in sepiatone, we see a shocked and embarrassed KIMOKO trying to cover her still soapy self amid the shrapnel of her shattered bathtub after having smashed through the floor of her bathroom and into her neighbor’s apartment on the floor below. Soapsuds and water are everywhere. Her neighbors, a middle-aged couple, look on in surprise.
KIMOKO (IN CAPTION)
“My bathtub and myself crashed through the floor and wound up in the apartment directly beneath mine! I was mortified! And, more than that, I was evicted!”
Page 9
SIX PANELS
1 - Back in the present time, KIMOKO makes her great request of Z-GIRl.
KIMOKO
Is it all right if I stay with you for a few days until I can find a new apartment?
Z-GIRL
Sure! Actually, this is good timing! I just moved out of my AUNT SUZANNE’S place into this awesome little studio in Park Slope! Hardwood floors, cathedral ceilings - I totally lucked out!
2 - Z-GIRL flies through the air on her way out to Brooklyn, with KIMOKO hanging on to her shoulders.
Z-GIRL
I think I have a sleeping bag stashed away somewhere! Anyway, you’re welcome to crash with me for as long as you like! After all, you’re part of the VALCom Team, now!
KIMOKO
Domo arigato, Z-GIRL! I owe you one!
3 - In the hallway of her apartment building, Z-GIRL unlocks her door while KIMOKO looks on from the side.
Z-GIRL
...It’s on the fifth floor, but at least we have an elevator! The building has pretty good security, too! And I’ll give you the spare key!
KIMOKO
Cool!
SOUND F/X
Klik-klak!
4 - Z-GIRL shows off her apartment to an admiring KIMOKO. It really is rather nice, with the aforementioned hardwood floors, and a big convertible sofa in the center of the living area, directly in front of the door. Behind the two girls, unnoticed, the closet door opens up a stealthy crack. From within, EL BURRO BANDITO’S eyes peer out of the gloom, in a very creepy manner.
KIMOKO
Wow, you weren’t kidding! This place is swank!
Z-GIRL
And best of all, it has plenty of closet space!
SOUND F/X
Creeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaak...
5 - El BURRO BANDITO, emerging stealthily from the closet, brutally butt-slams KIMOKO into unconsciousness by applying one of his trademark sawed-off-shotguns to the back of her skull. She goes down like a sack of wet cement, before she can energize her density powers!
EL BURRO BANDITO
An’ now eets time to say “sayonara,” leetle gurl!
KIMOKO
Urghk!
SOUND F/X
Klonk!
6 - SUPER FICIAL! suddenly rises up from behind the sofa like some sort of malevolent jack-in-the-box, as Z-GIRL recoils in horror at the presence of these two nefarious goons in her very own home!
SUPER FICIAL!
We’ve been expecting you, my dear!
Z-GIRL
Mother of mayonnaise!
Page 10
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - Full page splash panel magnificent tableau combat shot. As KIMOKO lies unconscious on the floor, Z-GIRL rises in the air over the sofa in the middle of her apartment and blasts SUPER FICIAL! full-on in the chest with her new lightning powers, stunning him and incidentally setting her standing lamp on fire. (SUPER FICIAL!’s facial expression at this point can only be described as priceless.) Meanwhile, EL BURRO BANDITO steps out of the closet, shotgun at the ready after having clubbed KIMOKO with the butt-end of it. Plus, THE ANTISEMIT comes crashing through the window riding what looks like a shiny metal flying horse without legs - rather like one of those horses on springs that rocks back and forth that children ride in palygrounds, but bigger - and prepares to hurl one of his high-tech horseshoes!
SUPER FICIAL!
What the - ! Yeeeeeooooooooow!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Watch out, mank! She ees electrificado!
Z-GIRL
KIMOKO! You two-bit thugs! I’ll light you all up like Con Edison for what you’ve done to her!
THE ANTISEMIT
Now, now, little lady...
SOUND F/X
Ska-zorch! Keerash! Wham!
Page 11
THREE PANELS
1 - THE ANTISEMIT leaps off his flying metal horse as he hurls a handful of high-tech horseshoes in Z-GIRl’s general direction.
THE ANTISEMIT
...Aren’t you being just a mite previous?
SOUND F/X
Whoosh! Fwisk! Fwisk! Fwisk! Fwisk! Fwisk!
2 - In mid-combat, Z-GIRL is taken unawares by the flying horseshoes, which pin her to the wall by her wrists, ankles and neck, nullifying her powers and rendering her captive.
Z-GIRL
Aaaarrrrrrgh! Noooooooo! I’m trapped!
SOUND F/X
Klank! Klank! Klank! Klank! Klank!
CAPTION
Looks like a ringer there, folks!
3 - A leering ANTISEMIT leans over to gloat in Z-GIRL’S face. She presents him in return with a defiant expression.
Z-GIRL
I know these two goons but who the hell are you? You look like Bucky Goldstein from the old joke!
THE ANTISEMIT
The name’s ANTISEMIT, ma’am! And ah’m the new sheriff in town!
Page 12
FOUR PANELS
1 - THE ANTISEMIT turns to regard EL BURRO BANDITO helping a stunned SUPER FICIAL! up from the floor. SUPER FICIAL!’S costume is still smoking slightly from Z-GIRL’S lightning attack; he looks singed. KIMOKO is stretched unconscious on the floor.
THE ANTISEMIT
You fellers all right there?
EL BURRO BANDITO
Si senor! Ees okay!
SUPER FICIAL!
Unnhhhh...watch out for that third rail guys - it’s a doozy!
2 - Z-GIRl and THE ANTISEMIT regard each other with cold stares.
Z-GIRL
So, here we are. What’s your particular damage, Dwight Yoakum?
THE ANTISEMIT
Funny you should ask that, my fine little Jewess, but this is neither the time nor the place! We’re gonna hafta repair to my secret hideout, down on Hyoostun Street!
3 - THE ANTISEMIT half-turns away from Z-GIRL as he continues to talk to her. She appears to be both highly annoyed and somewhat confused at the same time - and rightly so, all things considered.
Z-GIRL
Oh, for - it’s pronounced “Howstun,” Houston Street, not like the city! And wait a minute - what makes you think that I’m Jewish? And what does that have to do with anything?
THE ANTISEMIT
Welp, time’s a-wastin’! Now, little lady, I am plumb sorry to have to do this to yuh...
4 - THE ANTISEMIT hauls off and clocks Z-GIRL with his fist in cold blood, rendering her unconscious.
THE ANTISEMIT
...But yew’re far too talkative by half!
Z-GIRL
Unnnhhhh!
SOUND F/X
Ka-pow!
CAPTION
Oh, no! It looks like lights out for Z-GIRL and KIMOKO! But what has become of MATCHMAN - er, SCOTT SUFFIX?
Page 13
THREE PANELS
1 - Cut to a shot of SUZANNE GRACE’S office door, as seen from the corridor inside VALentine Complex. It is ajar, and the voices of SUZANNE and SCOTT SUFFIX waft out from behind it as speech balloons.
SUZANNE GRACE (FROM WITHIN DOOR)
Aw, c’mon, SCOTT! Cheer up! You don’t see me moping about because I don’t have any super powers, do ya?
SCOTT SUFFIX (FROM WITHIN DOOR)
It’s not even about that, SUZANNE! It’s - aw, I don’t even know how to explain it!
CAPTION
Actually, back at VALentine Complex, SCOTT SUFFIX is having a classic bad day!
2 - Within, SUZANNE GRACE’S office is precisely the same old anarchic mess that it was the last time that we were privileged to catch a glimpse of it. Stacks of papers lie everywhere, and her desk is piled high with memos, ephemera, charts and other tools of her astrological trade. In the middle of the desk hulks her desktop computer, with sticky notes all over the back of it. SUZANNE leans back in her official swivel chair, talking with a dejected-looking SCOTT, who slumps in a chair next to her desk, dressed in his old lab-coat-and-slacks combination outfit. He looks, well, despondent. Who wouldn’t? SUZANNE, by contrast, looks concerned.
SUZANNE GRACE
You know that DOCTOR DENDRITE will figure out a way to restore your powers, now that she’s awake! You’re the life and soul of the organization! We can’t do a thing without you!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[glumly]
Well, certainly, I’m aware of that objectively, SUZANNE! I just feel so helpless at this juncture! As Warren G. Harding once said, a return to normalcy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be!
3 - SCOTT makes a reasonable suggestion as SUZANNE turns to her desktop computer in haste.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Ah, well, I suppose you’re right! The DOC will have this all sorted out in no time! Say, would you care to join me for a cup of coffee?
SUZANNE GRACE
Absolutely! Just let me check my e-mail real quick first!
Page 14
THREE PANELS
1 - SUZANNE stares into the depths of her lit computer screen as she types and reads her e-mail. SCOTT hovers over her shoulder, kibitzing as usual.
SUZANNE GRACE
That’s odd! Who on earth is ANTISEMIT@hotmail.com?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Probably either Canadian medications or something to do with genital enlargement would be my guess!
2 - Close-up of the two of them hunched over the glowing screen. Tension builds!
SUZANNE GRACE
What the hell, it might be something important! I’ll take a gander at it!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Just watch out if they ask you for money! I’m still waiting for those Nigerian fellows to get back to me with what they owe me!
3 - Close-up of SUZANNE GRACE’S face. She is in shock as she stares in horror. Alphanumerics from her computer screen are reflected in her glasses.
SUZANNE GRACE
SCOTT, look at this! This email is from some nut calling himself “THE ANTISEMIT” who claims to have AZUSA captive in his basement! He lists an address down on Houston Street! He also has a video link embedded here to click on to prove that he isn’t bluffing!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Motherboards of mayonnaise! Roll that clip, woman! We’ve got to make certain!
Page 15
THREE PANELS
1 - This next panel depicts a scene from the brief, crude digital video evidence of Z-GIRL’S capture. On the computer screen, Z-GIRL and KIMOKO appear fastened to the wall of an indeterminately large concrete space at their ankles, wrists and necks by glowing high-tech horseshoes. A hand, obviously THE ANTISEMIT’S, indicates them gloatingly as he films the whole scene using his cell phone. In the corner of the screen EL BURRO BANDITO waves a hoof. Their voices are tinny but audible.
THE ANTISEMIT
...And so, you can see that out hostages are indeed real! Time to saddle up and ride, folks! I’ll see you at the time and place indicated! Happy trails!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Hola, muchachos!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Sweet nachos grandes!
2 - SUZANNE GRACE and SCOTT SUFFIX hold a swift and worried strategy session in the confines of her cluttered office!
SUZANNE GRACE
I told her that she should be more careful now that she had her own place! That crazy kid! What are we going to do, SCOTT?
SCOTT SUFFIX
We have to nip this in the bud, pronto! You alert the rest of the VALCom Team, SUZANNE! We may need backup on this one!
3 - SCOTT SUFFIX slams his fist down into the open palm of his other hand as he stands up decisively. SUZANNE is already heading out the door in order to sound the alarm as swiftly as possible.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Meanwhile, I’ll notify ARNIE at once! I can’t very well hog all the glory on this one! Like I always say, there’s no “me” in “team”!
SUZANNE GRACE
Yes there is!
Page 16
FOUR PANELS
1 - Cut to a scene of SCOTT SUFFIX informing ARNIE STETCHKIN of Z-GIRL’S kidnapping. The place is the VALCom break room and lounge. ARNIE isn’t taking the news very well - in fact, it could be mentioned that he’s freaking out here.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
[frenzied]
Whaddaya mean, she’s been kidnapped by some anti-semitic nutjob with a bad attitude?!? And we’re still standing here? Let’s go! Now!
SCOTT SUFFIX
But, ARNIE, wait, it’s...
2 - In a flash of motion lines, ARNIE is no longer there. His super speed powers acquired last issue in Antarctica take him out the door before SCOTT can finish his sentence. A light wind ruffles the lapels of SCOTT’S lab coat.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[speaking to no one in particular]
There, see, I knew he would spaz out on me. “And they call it puppy love.”
SOUND F/X
Zooossshh!
3 - Quick as a flash, ARNIE returns to the break room, shamefaced.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Um, what was that address again?
SCOTT SUFFIX
If you’ll hold still for a minute, I’ll tell you, ARNIE! Kids today! Always going off half-cocked!
4 - ARNIE reacts in disbelief as SCOTT tells him that the address is a certain army surplus store on Houston Street.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
What?!? You gotta be kiddin’ me! I bought my first black commando sweater down there! And my Chuck Taylors! No! This is...sacrilege!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Like it or not, chum, that’s where the final showdown is with this self-proclaimed ANTISEMIT character and that’s where we’re headed! Downtown, here we come! Go get your swords!
Page 17
FOUR PANELS
1 - Cut to an exterior shot of a none-too-well-maintained army surplus store somewhere down on Houston Street. The name on the shabby sign reads “Omar Bradley’s Arms Oasis” in a pseudo-Arabic motif. Highly unimpressive, all in all.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, in a certain run-down army surplus store down on “Hyoostun,” I mean, “Howstun” Street...
2 - A pained and nervous Z-GIRL hangs thumbtacked to the wall of a dank yet cavernous cellar as THE ANTISEMIT paces in front of her spouting his racist bullpucky at manic speed. Next to her an as yet still unconscious KIMOKO slumbers on. In the corner of the room, EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPER FICIAL! appear to have tuned out an hour ago and are currently engrossed in a game of auction pinochle.
THE ANTISEMIT
[oblivious]
...And that, my dear MISS ZEITZLER, is why ah no longer pay my phone bill! Because good ol’ Maw Bell is now merely a treasonous whore in the pay of that criminal gang of crypto-Zionists in Washington who control both the peanut butter lobby and the big oil money from Arkansas and blah blah blah...
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Yeesh! This is worse than when MATCHMAN bought me that Baz Luhrmann CD for my birthday last year! I’ve got to figure out a way to revive KIMOKO and get out of here, fast!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Eet looks like spades are trump again, amigo!
SUPER FICIAL!
So it does, so it does! Hmmmm...
CAPTION
...Z-GIRL’S ordeal has already begun!
3 - THE ANTISEMIT leers up at Z-GIRL in a medium close-up shot of the two of them. He is gloating openly. Our heroine glares down at him bravely.
THE ANTISEMIT
Any questions there, mah little Jewish-American princess? Am ah goin’ too fast fer yuh?
Z-GIRL
Just a couple, cracker barrel! What’s with the horseshoes? And what’s up with the green clovers and the blue diamonds and the orange stars and all that? I’m still waiting for the rest of the marshmallow arsenal to show up!
4 - THE ANTISEMIT turns away from Z-GIRL on the wall and prepares to launch into yet another one of his pointless and interminable racist tirades. Behind him, Z-GIRL pulls a face.
THE ANTISEMIT
All in good time, mah little dreidel girl! All in good time! And, since we do have a few minutes before the cavalry arrives fer yuh, allow me to decode for you the inner workings of the obviously Jew-controlled Trilateral Commission...
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Aaarrrrgh! Will you please just keep it to yourself for once, you racist idiot freak nugget!
Page 18
SIX PANELS
1 - This entire page is devoted to a comparative illustration of the methods by which SCOTT SUFFIX and ARNIE STETCHKIN arrive at their target, the address on Houston Street. In this first panel, we see a blur that is ARNIE moving at top super speed out the front doors of the VALCom Building and down the steps.
CAPTION
And so...
2 - In this panel, we see SCOTT SUFFIX reading a book on the subway as he travels downtown. The subway is the “R” train; the book is The Good Policeman by Jerome Charyn.
CAPTION
...Our heroes hasten in tandem...
3 - The blur that is ARNIE blasts down the sidewalk of the Avenue of the Americas, disturbing several puzzled pedestrians and causing one woman’s dress to flutter alarmingly in the passing breeze.
SOUND F/X
Zzzzzzzoooooooosh!
CAPTION
...Down the indifferent spine of a jaded city...
4 - SCOTT SUFFIX exits the opening doors of his subway car, amid a crowd of people, book tucked under his arm. The subway is more crowded than it was before.
CAPTION
...With only one purpose in mind...
5 - The blur that is ARNIE zooms down Houston Street, scattering trash in the gutters. In the background is a gas station, incongruous in the midst of the downtown area, but all the more real because of its location.
CAPTION
...The swift and accurate dispensation...
6 - SCOTT SUFFIX vaults his way up the steps leading up from the underground subway station, hanging onto the metal handrail and taking them three at a time.
CAPTION
...Of a singular brand of very physical justice!
Page 19
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - It’s a gigantic Mexican standoff in the cavernous basement of THE ANTISEMIT’S Houston Street hideout, as ARNIE and SCOTT stand just within the doorway to the room, confronted by the awesome spectacle of Z-GIRL and KIMOKO pegged to the wall by glowing horseshoes. THE ANTISEMIT leers evilly as EL BURRO BANDITO draws his sawed-off shotgun and SUPER FICIAL! rises off the floor and hovers in for the kill.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Don’t worry, Z-GIRL! We’re here to save you from this twisted racist freak! Nobody kidnaps a nice young Jewish girl in my town and gets away with it!
THE ANTISEMIT
Those are mighty big words fer such a little man there, pardner! You had best keep in mind that dead men don’t talk!
Z-GIRL
But I tell you I’m not Jewish!
SCOTT SUFFIX
That’s my sidekick you’ve got there on your wall, Texas Hold’em! Give it up - you’re surrounded!
SUPER FICIAL!
I must say, dear brother, that you’re looking quite yourself today!
EL BURRO BANDITO
And less bulletproof than usual, mank! Eeeh-awh! Eeeh-awh!
Page 20
SIX PANELS
1 - This page is all about the inexorable procession of the combat. In the first panel, ARNIE throws SCOTT one of his swords, by request.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Take this, SCOTT! May it serve you well!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mazel tov!
2 - In a daring overhead swing, SCOTT brings the sword down in a vicious chop at EL BURRO BANDITO’S ugly head. The latter is forced to parry the blow with the butt of his shotgun. The sword shatters in the process.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Hah! Now ees all over but the braying, compadre!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Crap! Lousy Pier One merchandise!
SOUND F/X
Whissssh! Chingklinkle!
3 - SCOTT lays EL BURRO BANDITO out cold with a vicious combination punch before the latter can get a bead on him with his shotgun.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Time for some good old fashioned two-fisted law!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Urgk!
SOUND F/X
Whok! Bam!
4 - ARNIE zooms at high speed through the air towards SUPER FICIAL!, ready to carve him in two with his other sword. His foe gloats, ready. Z-GIRL calls out an imperative warning.
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Prepare for a diet of hanzo steel, punk!
SUPER FICIAL!
Whenever you feel like serving it up, kid!
Z-GIRL
[off-panel]
No! Wait! ARNIE, he’s...
SOUND F/X
Zooosh!
5 - ARNIE’S sword shatters harmlessly in close-up against SUPER FICIAL!’S muscular torso as the latter laughs evilly!
SUPER FICIAL!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Z-GIRL (IN CAPTION)
“...Invulnerable!”
SOUND F/X
Skrash!
6 - ARNIE dodges out of the way of SUPER FICIAL!’S answering punch, falling back towards the floor in a deft somersault as he pitches a handful of “throwing stars of David” with unerring accuracy!
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Framitz! This calls for my secret weapon!
SUPER FICIAL!
You bring an atom bomb with you, half-pint?
SOUND F/X
Whifff! Zzzzzzzzz!
Page 21
FOUR PANELS
1 - ARNIE’S throwing stars neatly shatter every single one of the horseshoes that secure KIMOKO to the wall!
ARNIE STETCHKIN
[off-panel]
Better than that, chump! I brought a friend or two!
KIMOKO
All right! Thanks, ARNIE!
SOUND F/X
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
2 - KIMOKO drops to the ground in an action pose. She looks both deadly and determined.
KIMOKO
Step aside, ninja boy! Let me show you how we do things straight up Honshu style!
ARNIE STETCHKIN
[off-panel]
Word to your mother!
3 - KIMOKO rolls across the floor, double-up, like a human cannonball, increasing her mass as she gathers speed. She heads right for an astonished SUPER FICIAL!, who is in the process of missing ARNIE with his punches for the umpteenth time.
KIMOKO
Here comes the bullet train! Marvelous mass powers...activate!
SUPER FICIAL!
[thinks]
Where have I heard that before?
SOUND F/X
Rrrrrrummmmmble!
4 - KIMOKO and her increased mass smash into SUPER FICIAL! and send him sprawling - she lands on top of him. ARNIE laughs himself silly at the spectacle.
KIMOKO
Bulls-eye!
SUPER FICIAL!
Aaaaargh!
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Hah! Take that, you putz, for breaking my sword! How you doin’ over there, SCOTT?
SOUND F/X
Bawhoom!
Page 22
FOUR PANELS
1 - SCOTT SUFFIX is at the moment revealed to be in a life-and-death wrestling match with THE ANTISEMIT, and getting the worst of it. EL BURRO BANDITO’S unconscious body lies nearby.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Actually, uh, ARNIE, I could use a little help here!
THE ANTISEMIT
You lyin’, thievin’ sidewinder! You’ll never take me alive!
2 - THE ANTISEMIT lifts SCOTT clean off the ground in a classic move, preparatory to body-slamming him. SCOTT is alarmed. His head and arms dangle clear down to the back of THE ANTISEMIT’S belted robes.
THE ANTISEMIT
Any last words, yuh Yankee dupe of the Zionist Occupation Government?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Whoa! Well, actually, ANTISEMIT...
3 - Close-up, as SCOTT notices a small red button on the back of THE ANTISEMIT’S high-tech belt and, in a moment of inspiration, presses it.
SCOTT SUFFIX
...All I can wish for you is a rough horse, a cactus saddle...
SOUND F/X
Klik!
4 - Shot of Z-GIRl as the belt switch deactivates the remaining high-tech horseshoes that hold her pinned to the wall. They fall to the ground like tired butterflies.
Z-GIRL
[with a note of triumph]
Rock the casbah!
SOUND F/X
Zop! Zop! Zop! Zop! Zop!
SCOTT SUFFIX (IN CAPTION)
“...And a long journey!”
Page 23
THREE PANELS
1 - THE ANTISEMIT is enveloped in a blinding flash of Z-GIRL’S renewed lightning power. It appears very painful to the casual observer.
Z-GIRL
[off-panel]
First things first! Look, you schmuck, less than one per cent of the human race has ever belonged to the Judaic religion! Time to redefine your terms, ANTISEMIT!
THE ANTISEMIT
Aaaaaaiiiiiiieeeee!
SOUND F/X
Fraaazzzzak!
2 - Z-GIRL turns, in a tiff, to SCOTT SUFFIX (who is at this moment picking himself up off of the ground), ARNIE, and KIMOKO (who sits atop an unconscious SUPER FICIAL!).
Z-GIRL
[most angrily]
And while we’re on the topic, you guys, just because my last name is vaguely Central European doesn’t make me Jewish! I’m not Jewish! Not that it would make any difference if I were Jewish! I’ve had it up to here with anti-Semites, hicks and Nazis! Can’t we all just live and let live?!?
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Dude...you gots to chill!
SCOTT SUFFIX
I think we’ve inadvertently touched a nerve!
KIMOKO
She’s flipped her wig!
3 - Z-GIRL collects herself, as the others look on. She puts her hand to her bowed head and shakes it weariedly, aware that she has lost her cool and trying to regain it at once.
Z-GIRL
I’m sorry, guys! Let’s just go back to VALCom! I’ve had a really long day today!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Not a problem, MISS AZUSA ZEITZLER!
ARNIE STETCHKIN
Roger that!
KIMOKO
Guess it’s my turn to call the meat wagon for these bozos! See you back at HQ, guys!
CAPTION
And so, all’s well that ends well...
Page 24
THREE PANELS
1 - Cut to a shot of DOCTOR DENDRITE laboring over the arcane machinery of the Genetic Harmony Project, deep in the murky and eerily-lit depths of her private laboratory. At the moment she is studying a readout on a computer screen. She looks pensive.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
[thinks]
Well, that concludes the first successful test run of the Genetic Harmony apparatus! Let’s see how our first test subject made out!
CAPTION
...Or does it? Let’s take a quick peek at DOCTOR DENDRITE, hard at work on her Genetic Harmony Project, shall we, true believers?
2 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE as she crunches the numbers.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
[thinks]
Dum dee dum de dum...carry the two...and...voila!
3 - An astonished DOCTOR DENDRITE looks up from her figuring, a look of raw shock slowly suffusing her studious features. Her eyes are as wide as saucers behind her Coke-bottle-bottom eyeglasses.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
But...but that’s impossible! This cannot be! I’ve got to warn the others - at once! It may already be too late!
CAPTION
Good gravy! Trouble in paradise? Tune in next time, Matchfans, when all shall be revealed and the mysterious secrets of the Genetic Harmony Project broadcast before a startled planet!
THE END