The Matchman
Page 1
THREE PANELS
1 - Exterior view of VALentine Complex. Daytime.
CAPTION
Ah, good old VALentine Complex!
2 - View of impressive and elaborate outer lobby doors of VALentine Complex. Also daytime, of course.
CAPTION
Things just haven’t been the same around here lately...
3 - An interior shot of a laboratory, deep within the bowels of VALCom. In it, hard at work, we see SCOTT SUFFIX carefully mixing two chemicals together in a beaker. Around him lies scattered the complicated apparatus of the modern chemist. He wears a look of deep concentration.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Easy does it...
CAPTION
...Since SCOTT SUFFIX lost his MATCHMAN powers in Antarctica!
Page 2
FOUR PANELS
1 - SCOTT reels back in dismay as his experiment blows up in his face with a soft unpleasant sound. Glass flies everywhere.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Damn! Not again!
SOUND F/X
Floomph!
2 - SCOTT sits, discouraged, on the floor amidst the wreckage of his last experiment, elbows on knees. This latest setback has really bummed him out, in the modern parlance.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
That’s the third time this week that the tree of my experimentation has failed to bear fruit! What am I doing wrong?
3 - SCOTT’S hands wave in the air as he silently monologues to himself and a lab full of spilled chemicals and glass splinters.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Maybe I should just face the music and get used to a life without powers! A fortuitous accident created MATCHMAN, and now an unlucky accident has taken him out of the running! Nothing can reverse what that VON KENYA harridan has done to me!*
CAPTION
*Back in issue 16, for those of you with long memories! - The Editors.
4 - SCOTT gets laboriously to his feet. He searches for a broom to clean up the mess as he gives himself a mental pep talk.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
No! I can’t think like that! Dejection is the way of the enemy! If I admit defeat now, I’ll never be anything but a highly respected organic chemist! Time to find that mop again, and then to take a little break - recover my will to succeed!
Page 3
FOUR PANELS
1 - Here we see SCOTT SUFFIX in the shadowy hall outside of his laboratory. He is busy putting change in a Coke machine (the old-fashioned kind that dispenses glass bottles in a vertical row on the side, and has a built in bottle opener in the front), in order to get himself a bottle of soda.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
A cold Coke in a clean lab is just the ticket! One-way to Selfesteemville!
CAPTION
And so...the pause that refreshes even ex-superheroes!
2 - SCOTT takes a swig of his Coke straight from the bottle as he eyes the underside of the bottle cap in his other hand with a curious glance.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Hmm...Running another one of those contests, I see! Free all-expenses-paid honeymoon trip to Paris for two, eh? Not bad! Still, I don’t why I bother! No one ever wins these -
3 - Close-up shot of the underside of the bottle cap in SCOTT’S hand. It says “YOU WIN!!” on it, in big capital letters and with several exclamation points.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mother of mayonnaise!
4 - Shot of SCOTT standing in the hallway, soda all but forgotten at his side, with a faraway look on his stunned face. He is dazedly contemplating his newfound fortune.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
So whom should I invite?
Page 4
FOUR PANELS
1 - Cut to the interior of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S office, just off of her own elaborate laboratory complex. She is sitting at a desk laden with papers, CD-ROMS and a state-of-the-art laptop, as well as less identifiable pieces of the highest of high tech. She leans back in her chair and gets a wistful look on her face as SCOTT sits in a chair in front of her messy desk and talks to her about his Paris plans.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Ah, Paris in the springtime! I remember it well! Did I ever tell you that that was where LANCE and I first dreamed up the idea of VALentine Complex, SCOTT? Those were the days! I had just received my award from the Nobel committee! Ah, youth!
SCOTT SUFFIX
I’ve never been there myself, DOC! I’m looking forward to it! But first, there’s the little matter of my, uh, “date!”
CAPTION
So fast-forward to DOCTOR DENDRITE’S office for some sound advice!
2 - DOCTOR DENDRITE talks to SCOTT across the mesa of her desk.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
You sound a bit uncertain of yourself, SCOTT. Who did you plan on asking to go with you?
SCOTT SUFFIX
[plainly uncomfortable]
Weeeeellllllllll...
3 - SCOTT spills the beans as he wrings his hands, and DOCTOR DENDRITE freaks so badly she nearly leaps out of her chair and across the desk at him.
SCOTT SUFFIX
With your permission, I would like to ask DISCORDIA to be my - to accompany me to Paris.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Whaaaaaaaaat?!?!
4 - Zoom in on DOCTOR DENDRITE as she goes off.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
SCOTT, have you lost your mind? DISCORDIA is DOCTOR DEJECTION’S gal Friday and a card-carrying minion of the B.L.A.H. Corporation! She’s had it in for all of us since day one! For Pete’s sake, she even hypnotized you into terrorizing the entire city that one time!* How can you possibly entertain romantic notions towards her?!?
CAPTION
* All the way back in issues number 4 and number 5, true believers! - The Editors.
Page 5
THREE PANELS
1 - SCOTT attempts to justify himself as DOCTOR DENDRITE fumes silently before him.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Now hear me out, DOC! Surely you’ll admit that if DISCORDIA could be turned, she would be a powerful ally!
2 - SCOTT gets up out of his chair and paces back and forth in the agitation of his feelings. DOCTOR DENDRITE looks on. She has an expression on her face of near-infinite patience and wisdom - as though she knows something that SCOTT doesn’t know about the inner workings of his heart!
SCOTT SUFFIX
I mean, all of that time that you had to study her Golden Apple indicated quite clearly that there is indeed a heart of flesh inside that skin of gold! To paraphrase Father Flanagan of all people, I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a bad girl...only bad apples!
3 - SCOTT stops his pacing and hangs his head in bewilderment as he makes his final admission. DOCTOR DENDRITE reaches over and touches his arm in quasi-parental sympathy.
SCOTT SUFFIX
And besides, for whatever reason...I think I’m in love with her. I know it’s crazy, but...I can’t help it. I think MATCHMAN has finally found his match.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Oh, SCOTT...
Page 6
FOUR PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DENDRITE turns around and stares out of her office picture window, silhouetted by daylight. Her hands are clasped behind her back. SCOTT sits in an office chair and listens to her with rapt attention.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
To tell you the truth, SCOTT, I was half expecting this. I never did tell you about the results of my abortive Genetic Harmony Project while you away in Antarctica, did I?
SCOTT SUFFIX
No, DOC, you didn’t.
2 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE as she stares off into space and recites her information. Daylight bathes her face in strange patterns.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
After my initial results, I was forced to discontinue any further experimentation. But my first findings told me enough. I took the liberty of using a sample of your DNA, SCOTT, for my trial run. And that is why I can now impart to you this terrible information...
3 - Close-up shot of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S mouth as she utters the secret that we’ve been waiting for since the end of last issue.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
...DISCORDIA is your perfect match, SCOTT.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Gasp!
4 - DOCTOR DENDRITE turns from the window as SCOTT SUFFIX starts from his chair in aghast shock.
SCOTT SUFFIX
But...but that can’t be! Of course, I did just independently verify the results of your experiment by voicing my own emotional predilections before you even said anything, but...still! DISCORDIA, huh? I’ll be dipped!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
[with a slight smile]
Two peas in a pod, kiddo.
Page 7
THREE PANELS
1 - DOCTOR DENDRITE turns away from SCOTT and begins rummaging in one of the drawers of her desk. SCOTT stands up, looking determined and pensive.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Well, that’s that, then! With evolution on my side, there is no way that I can fail to win DISCORDIA over to VALentine Complex! Come to think of it, there’s no way I can’t get lucky on a more basic level, either! Sweet!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Easy there, tiger! If you’re going to be going out on a date with DISCORDIA, you’re going to need protection!
2 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE’S hands handing SCOTT SUFFIX’S hands a small open box that has within in what appears to be a pair of cufflinks!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Huh? Cufflinks? But...why?
DOCTOR DENDRITE
They may appear to be cufflinks, but what they really are is a sophisticated jamming device that I developed while I had the opportunity of studying that evil Golden Apple while it was held captive in my lab! This will protect you against DISCORDIA’S brainwashing effect, so that you don’t have to worry about becoming her brainwashed zombie slave again! After all, a first date is usually awkward enough as it is!
3 - SCOTT SUFFIX and DOCTOR DENDRITE leave her office side by side. They have their arms over each others’ shoulders. SCOTT is much taller than the good DOCTOR. They share an air of easy camaraderie.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Much obliged, DOCTOR DENDRITE! I suppose it’s time to (gulp) make that call, then!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Don’t worry. Just be yourself!
Page 8
SIX PANELS
1 - Cut to the shadowy interior of DOCTOR DEJECTION’S underground headquarters somewhere beneath the wilds of northern New Jersey. At present it is unoccupied except for DISCORDIA, who is blatantly draped over DOCTOR DEJECTION’S command chair, engaged in painting her toenails. She whistles as she works, Apple cradled carefully in her lap. (The toenail polish is red, but turns to her uniform shade of gold as it is applied.) Behind her, the gigantic communication screen flickers to life. She doesn’t even deign to look at it yet.
SCOTT SUFFIX’S VOICE [off-panel]
DISCORDIA? Are you there?
SOUND F/X
Zzzzzzzrrrrrk!
2 - DISCORDIA stands facing the giant image of SCOTT SUFFIX on the big screen, arms akimbo, hands on hips, Apple in her right hand. She seems a bit put out for having been interrupted at a delicate task. She also appears to be having some slight difficulty recognizing her erstwhile foe in his “street clothes.”
DISCORDA
Yeah, who are you and whaddaya want? If it’s VALCom, we ain’t buying today. DOCTOR D. hadda go visit his grandma up in Yonkers.
SCOTT SUFFIX
I’m really sorry to bother you, DISCORDIA. Um, do you have a minute? It’s me, SCOTT SUFFIX - um, MATCHMAN - you know?
3 - Cut to SCOTT in front of a small console in one of the labs at VALCom, staring into a smaller version of the famous viewscreen. DISCORDIA’S face fills the flatscreen-TV-sized monitor as the conversation continues.
DISCORDIA
Oh, yeah! I thoughtcha looked familiar! How ya doin,’ SCOTT! I heard ya lost all of your powers down there in Antarctica! Ha ha! Talk about pathetic!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Yes, well, be that as it may, DISCORDIA, I, um, I have something to ask you...
4 - Cut back to DISCORDIA in the bowels of the B.L.A.H. HQ as she stands, stunned, in front of the giant viewscreen. It is evident that SCOTT’S proposal of a trip to Paris has rocked her world, on a wide variety of levels.
DISCORDIA
A free trip to Paris? And yer serious?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mais oui, mam’zelle! So what do you say? Is it a date?
5 - DISCORDIA slumps back into the command chair as she peruses all of the angles of this unusual turn of events. She toys with her Apple as she thinks things through.
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
Well, it is awfully sweet of the big lug! And I’ve never been to Paris before! It could be a lot of fun! And rilly, it is so romantic! Plus he’s paying for everything! And he’s, like, totally at my mercy without his powers - not that he could resist me anyway! So it’s, like, total enslavement time! Cool! It’s like DOCTOR D. always says - one can never have too many hostages!
6 - Close-up of DISCORDIA’S face. She looks, well, wistful, if one can imagine that.
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
And, after all, even the bad gals get lonely sometimes!
Page 9
SIX PANELS
1 - Shot of the hallway outside of the laboratory where SCOTT is chatting with DISCORDIA on the videophone. The door to the lab is open, and who should come strolling down the hall but Z-GIRL! She overhears the conversation, and it piques her curiosity. She decides to eavesdrop a bit.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[off-panel]
Boy, am I glad you said that! Whew! You have no idea how nervous I was!
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
Well, like, what else was I gonna say? It’s not every day that I’m invited to Paris, ya know?
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Whoa nelly! I know that voice! What gives?
2 - Z-GIRL peeks around the doorframe and freezes in shock at what she is seeing and hearing. SCOTT doesn’t notice her as she stands there soaking up the drama, but DISCORDIA can see her on her viewscreen, so she shouts a sarcastic greeting, knowing what all of this must being doing to her teenage heart - which, as we all know, has a had a crush on her boss from the beginning!
Z-GIRL
[thinks in shock]
Ohmigod! A date? Is he asking that...that vixen out on an actual date? I am not believing this! How...how could he?
SCOTT SUFFIX
And can you believe it, I actually won the trip in a contest? Yeah, no kidding, right? I never thought anyone ever actually won those things!
DISCORDIA
Wait, hold on a sec, Big Red...Hi, Z-GIRL! How ya been? Something the grown-ups can do for ya?
3 - Z-GIRL runs from the door and up the hallway, attempting to fight back the embarrassed cascades of tears that are even now streaming down her young face!
Z-GIRL
I can’t believe it! I just can’t! Well, if he wants that golden apple tart so bad, he can have her! They’re made for each other! That, that no-good - ooooh!
4 - Z-GIRL pauses for a breather in the famous VALCom lounge. Her jilted anger seems to be getting the better of her as she considers this new turn of events!
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
...And then they’ll get married, and have kids together, and I’ll end up an old maid with fourteen cats, and...and...hey, did she say they were going to Paris?
5 - Eyes closed, fists clenched, Z-GIRL unleashes an inadvertent burst of lightning power to punctuate her sudden rage! Electricity arcs from her to every surface of the lounge, scorching the furniture and popping the TV picture tube!
Z-GIRL
Arrrrrggh!
SOUND F/X
Frrrrzzzzzaak! Boom!
6 - Z-GIRL looks around her at the scorched and blackened remains of the VALCom lounge in further embarrassment. She puts her hand to her mouth.
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
Ooops.
Page 10
SIX PANELS
1 - Exterior distance shot of an Air France Airbus taking off from JFK on a day of fair weather.
DISCORDIA
[thought balloon emanating from plane]
Like, what gives? I can’t seem to brainwash him! He must have figured out some way to resist the power!
CAPTION
And so, from JFK...
2 - Exterior distance shot of that same Airbus coming in for a landing at Charles de Gaulle Airport in the outskirts of Paris, France. The sun is just beginning to set as dusk sweeps over the cityscape. We can see the Eiffel Tower prominently in the distance.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thought balloon emanating from plane]
Heh heh heh! These cufflinks work like a charm! Poor DISCORDIA’S going nuts trying to figure out why she can’t turn me into her love zombie again!
CAPTION
...to CDG...
3 - DISCORDIA and SCOTT SUFFIX walk down the connecting tube as they deplane at CDG Airport. SCOTT looks pretty good in his European-style suit. His French cuffs, and the protective cufflinks that they contain, look especially stylish. DISCORDIA, for her part, has dressed up a bit for her week-long “date:” instead of her usual boots-and-shorts combo, she’s actually wearing a dress and high heels, all with a simple but elegant necklace and earrings. Of course, due to the peculiar nature of her powers, everything becomes the same uniform glad color the minute she puts it on. She is carrying her Golden Apple as if it were a clutch purse.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[gesturing at her outfit]
Wow! Paris at last! The City of Lights! Say, DISCORDIA, um, I couldn’t help but notice, um, that -
DISCORDIA
Yeah, I know, I can’t help it. Everything I touch turns to gold. Midas, eat your heart out.
CAPTION
Our dynamic couple experiences the thrill of getting to know one another more intimately!
4 - As SCOTT and DISCORDIA pick up their luggage from the rotating conveyor belt in the terminal, we can’t help but notice that they are being watched! A young lady whose face and outfit betoken a certain familiarity with Audrey Hepburn movies stands suspiciously at a public France Telecom phone and watches our couple intently over the tops of her sunglasses!
5 - And what’s this? As SCOTT and DISCORDIA walk through the cavernous main terminal of the airport, half-a-dozen more Audrey Hepburn imitators fall in behind them, fading their way through the crowd. One begins to draw a samurai sword from beneath her stylish Givenchy women’s overcoat!
6 - In close-up silhouette, from a corner over by the escalators, yet another Audrey Hepburn clone cocks an Uzi sub-machinegun and gets ready to rock and roll! Our couple sails by, oblivious, engaged in pleasant chatter with each other!
Page 11
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - Suddenly, it’s mass havoc in the main terminal of Charles de Gaulle Airport as a dozen of the Audrey Hepburn look-alikes appear out of the woodwork to assault our happy couple! DISCORDIA lets loose with a blast from her all-purpose Golden Apple as the crowd scatters in panic. SCOTT SUFFIX turns in surprise to meet the attack. The FROMAGENTS are basically white female ninjas who look like Audrey Hepburn as she appeared in the movie Charade: early ‘Sixties chic at its finest. (The large sunglasses, the small hats, the Givenchy coats and basically the whole ensemble.) They pack swords, knives, pistols and sub-machineguns. They shout in an unearthly chorus as they swarm to the attack! Luggage flies as it is strafed with small arms fire!
FROMAGENTS
[in unison]
FROMAGENTS attaquez! Vive LE GRAND FROMAGE!
DISCORDIA
What the - ?! Damn, Audrey! Like, wussup with that, girlfriend?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Sacre bleu, green, yellow, chartreuse, lavender!
SOUND F/X
Schling! Bratatatatata! Frrrzhaaaakkkk! Whaboom! etc.
Page 12
THREE PANELS
1 - The three panels on this page are pure, no-holds-barred action. In the first panel, we see DISCORDIA dishing out glittering hand-to-hand punishment to two of the FROMAGENTS at once as she dodges their sword-slashes. Even though she’s not dressed for combat, she seems to be giving a good account of herself. Automatic weapons fire whistles past her on both sides, miraculously not hitting anyone.
DISCORDIA
Style is as style does, toots!
FROMAGENT 1
<I am a very stylish girl! Urgh!>*
FROMAGENT 2
Merde! Ack!
CAPTION
*Translated from the French. - The Editors
SOUND F/X
Swishh! Whap! Bonk! Ratatatatata! Pow! etc.
2 - As yet another FROMAGENT unloads the clip of her sub-machinegun at him from across the room, SCOTT runs, dives and flings a heavy suitcase across the floor at her feet simultaneously.
SCOTT SUFFIX
They’re coming out of the walls! This scene was definitely left out of my director’s cut of Wait Until Dark!
SOUND F/X
Brakakakakakakaka! Fwishhhh! etc.
3 - Medium distance shot of SCOTT’S highly accurate flung suitcase taking out the FROMAGENT gunwoman at the ankles. She falls forwards, her Uzi skating across the floor and straight into SCOTT’S waiting hands. A smooth maneuver, all told.
FROMAGENT 3
<Eeeeeek! My weapon!>
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Gotcha!
SOUND F/X
Thud! Klitterklatter!
Page 13
FOUR PANELS
1 - SCOTT rears upwards, Uzi sub-machinegun in one hand, the other arm grasping FROMAGENT 3 in a captivating headlock. He looks alarmed as he shouts a warning to his date, who happens to be off-panel at the moment.
SCOTT SUFFIX
DISCORDIA! Look out! Behind you!
FROMAGENT 3
<Gulk! Unhand me, you Anglophone brute!>
2 - DISCORDIA half-turns at SCOTT’S warning, but is unable to avoid her fate. FROMAGENT 4 butt-slams her in the back of her head with her sub-machinegun, as the other FROMAGENTS rally! FROMAGENTS 1 and 2 are busy picking themselves off the floor. The Golden Apple goes flying.
DISCORDIA
There’s too many - Urk!
FROMAGENT 4
<Pleasant dreams, my dear! Time for night-night!>
FROMAGENT 1
<Unnhhh...Oh, what a lovely hit!>
FROMAGENT 2
<The Cheese will be most pleased! Hmm...that appears to have rhymed!>
SOUND F/X
Kawham!
3 - Swiftly the crowd of FROMAGENTS trusses up the unconscious DISCORDIA like a prime roast! One of them pops her own Golden Apple into her mouth as a handy makeshift gag.
FROMAGENT 4
<There! That should serve as a handy gag! Now, ladies, shall we adjourn to the escape van with our newest recruit, tout de suite?>
4 - The crowd of FROMAGENTS, bearing the unconscious body of DISCORDIA, back away warily towards the sliding glass exit doors of the airport lobby. They menace SCOTT with their Uzi sub-machineguns, even as he approaches them warily, hostage in tow underneath his arm, weapon at the ready. Outside the glass doors, a black, nondescript van comes to a screeching halt. This is obviously the getaway vehicle.
FROMAGENT 4
<Do not attempt to interfere with our departure, you uncouth ruffian!>
FROMAGENT 1
<Yes, you have tampered with forces that you do not understand!>
SCOTT SUFFIX
OK, ladies, my French is a little bit rusty, but - <Hey, who are you calling uncouth? And get back here with my date!>
FROMAGENT 3
<My comrades! Please don’t leave me in the clutches of this uncivilized beast! Help! Oh, help!>
SOUND F/X
Zoom! Screeeech!
Page 14
FOUR PANELS
1 - SCOTT drags his reluctant hostage through the automatic sliding glass exit doors into the night air, just as the van speeds off, with the FROMAGENTS and their precious cargo aboard!
FROMAGENT 4
[off-panel]
Au revoir!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Too late! We’ll have to grab a cab, Audrey!
FROMAGENT 3
<Will you please let me go!>
SOUND F/X
Vroooooom!
2 - SCOTT and FROMAGENT 3 pile into the back of a green Paris taxicab. The nonplussed driver sits in the front, absorbed in reading the Le Canard newspaper. It is evident from his general demeanor that he’s seen it all before, and is at great pains to remain unimpressed, even though his latest fare seems to include a maniac waving an Uzi and an Audrey Hepburn look-alike. He has a moustache, is wearing a beret, and smoking a cigarette.
SCOTT SUFFIX
<Driver! Follow that van!>
FROMAGENT 3
<Driver, I demand that you drive this madman to the nearest police station!>
TAXI DRIVER
<Whatever you say, mec. Welcome to Paris.>
3 - The taxi takes off in pursuit of the FROMAGENT van, just as a cavalcade of police vehicle pulls up at the airport! Riot police pour out of several truck and storm the airport terminal in full gear; however, several police cars begin to pursue the taxi, lights flashing and sirens wailing.
TAXI DRIVER
[from inside taxi]
<And here come the cops. You and Ms. Heartburn in some kind of legal trouble, monsieur?>
SCOTT SUFFIX
[from inside taxi]
Oh, for the love of Mike! Why aren’t they chasing the real criminals? I’m not in France for five minutes and already I’m a wanted man!
FROMAGENT 3
[from inside taxi]
<Hmph! The very idea! I’m not with him, driver!>
SOUND F/X
Breee-ooooo! Breeee-oooo! Breeee-ooooo!
4 - Inside the taxi, the passing streetlights and headlights cast strange patterns of light and shadow across the faces of SCOTT and FROMAGENT 3 in the back seat.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Listen, my name’s SCOTT SUFFIX, and your little coven of Givenchy enthusiasts just ran off with my...um, well, my girlfriend, I guess! You understand? Parlez-vous Anglais? French wasn’t Audrey’s first language, you know!
FROMAGENT 3
Yes, I understand a little bit! Where are you taking me? Oh, it’s all so dreadfully sordid!
TAXI DRIVER
[off-panel]
<That’s one word for it.>
Page 15
THREE PANELS
1 - SCOTT and FROMAGENT 3 continue their armed tiff in the back seat as the TAXI DRIVER imperturbably accelerates faster in pursuit of the fleeing van. Behind them the cops give chase; the chorus of their sirens rends the night air. More dramatic interplay of light and shadow.
SCOTT SUFFIX
What do you mean, where am I taking you? You’re one of the kidnappers! You tell me where we’re going!
FROMAGENT 3
[steeling herself]
Allow me to explain, MONSIEUR SUFFIX...
TAXI DRIVER
[thinks]
<Why do I feel as though I were in a Pink Panther movie all of a sudden?>
2 - Suddenly, she strikes! FROMAGENT 3 deftly kicks SCOTT in the chin, jarring the Uzi from his grasp, even as she leans forward over the back of the seat and grabs the TAXI DRIVER by the neck! The taxi inadvertently swerves off the road in the process and heads for the Seine River, which they have been following alongside of for some time now.
FROMAGENT 3
Straight to hell! We’re going straight to hell and I’m taking you with me! Vive le Fromage Grande!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Argh!
TAXI DRIVER
<Ulk! The cab! She is out of control!>
SOUND F/X
Krak! Thud! Bonk! etc.
3 - Medium distance shot of the airborne taxicab as it careens into the air and through the dark night over the Seine River, after smashing through a protective guardrail. Shards of rails trail through the air behind it.
CAPTION
The soundtrack for this portion of the comic book is brought to you by Duran Duran!
SOUND F/X
Keeerassssshhhh!
Page 16
FOUR PANELS
1 - Exterior shot of the Musee d’Orsay at night. Only a few lights glimmer in the cavernous interior; the hordes of tourists have long since gone away for the day. A mysterious black van pulls up in front of the Museum, on the Quai d’Orsay, rather abruptly.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, near the center of Paris, at the Musee d’Orsay...
SOUND F/X
Skreeeek!
2 - A line of shadowy FROMAGENTS, looking very mysterioso, carries DISCORDIA bier-style through the sliding glass doors that are the main entrance of the Musee d’Orsay. No one else is around; even the security guards seem to have the night off. DISCORDIA is still bound, and still gagged with her own Apple. Entrance is secured by the means of a secret code key.
CAPTION
...A terrible midnight ritual appears to be in progress!
SOUND F/X
Shhhunk!
3 - The file of FROMAGENTS winds its way through the cavernous, shadowy, multileveled interior of the Musee d’Orsay. Shadowy statues by Rodin and other lesser French sculptural virtuosos of the nineteenth century loom ghostly in the moonlight coming through the vast skylights and monumental windows. The FROMAGENTS wind across the main floor and up the many-tiered rear staircases. DISCORDIA appears to glitter in the dark. The silence is ghastly.
CAPTION
The silence of the FROMAGENTS is ominous as they wind their way through the cavernous interior of the museum and up the staircase!
4 - Close-up of DISCORDIA’S beautiful, evil golden face with her Apple in her mouth like a suckling pig. Her eyelids flutter open as she regains consciousness. A voice reaches her from off-panel.
DISCORDIA
[thinks woozily]
Unnnhhhh...where the heck am I?
LE GRAND FROMAGE
[off-panel]
Bon soir, Mademoiselle DEESCORDIA! We have been, let us say, expecting you, n’est-ce pas?
CAPTION
Until finally, a battered and disoriented DISCORDIA regains consciousness!
Page 17
THREE PANELS
1 - The sight that greets DISCORDIA’S eyes is most unprepossessing. In a large (and secret) chamber with a great many windows at the topmost level of the Musee d’Orsay, she is bound and gagged and lying on a palanquin of sorts. Around her on various pieces of elegant furniture, cleaning weapons, drinking demitasses of espresso, eating croissants and smoking cigarettes in long holders, are posed the entire group of FROMAGENTS, numbering some thirty-five in all. Each of them looks like Audrey Hepburn, albeit somewhat more evil. The room itself is furnished like the house of the wealthy art faker in How to Steal a Million. At one end of the room, flanked by free-standing candelabras (and next to a TV that is showing Charade with the sound turned down), sits the entity addressing DISCORDIA at the moment. This is LE GRAND FROMAGE, and he looks like nothing more nor less than a small piece of Roquefort cheese, lying on a nice plate. The entire room seems to focus on him, for some reason, as he is the villain of the moment. The “Big Cheese” doesn’t really have a voice, but telepathically projects his brain waves so that it is the equivalent of having a voice. Curiously enough, his telepathic “voice” sounds just like Yves Montand. (Perhaps the accent is a bit more overdone for dramatic purposes, however.)
LE GRAND FROMAGE
I hope zat you weel forgeeve ze...abruptness of your invitation to become one of us!
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
Mmm hmm. A talking hunk of cheese. Yep. Should have stayed in bed this morning.
2 - DISCORDIA glares at LE GRAND FROMAGE as he continues his sinister monologue. He glares deepens as she begins to get what he’s driving at.
LE GRAND FROMAGE
A-hah-hah, non, non, I am not really speaking, per ze, but projecting my thought patterns! You see, mademoiselle, I am no ordinary cheese!
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
You don’t say, pal. You don’t say.
3 - LE GRANDE FROMAGE continues his spiel, oblivious.
LE GRAND FROMAGE
Ah, but I do zay! I was developed at a secret weapons lab operated by the French military near Meudon! And when I saw my chance to escape...
Page 18
THREE PANELS
1 - Black-and-white flashback shot to a dark and stormy night. An old French chateau looms in the background. One of its walls explodes outwards as a hurtling, cheese-shaped silhouette makes its escape!
CAPTION
“...I took it!”
SOUND F/X
Kaboom!
2 - Close-up of LE GRAND FROMAGE on his little plate. He looks as evil as it is possible for a small chunk of Roquefort cheese to look at this point.
LE GRAND FROMAGE
You zee, DEESCORDIA, I have a unique property! The blue mold in my many fissures has the power to hypnotize young, attractive women! All I have to do is feed a piece of myself to them, and zey become my willing slaves! As you may have noticed, I am verry fond of Audrey Hepburn! I have decided to construct an army of her as the ultimate homage!
3 - LE GRAND FROMAGE winds up his speech as DISCORDIA starts to sweat a bit, realizing his intentions. In the foreground, a FROMAGENT with a dainty little knife and a small plate begins to carefully excise a piece of the FROMAGE, presumably for hypnotic consumption in the near future!
LE GRAND FROMAGE
With ze powers of your Golden Apple, you would be a valuable addition to my army of FROMAGENTS! You are, how you say, catching ze drift now, yes?
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
Like, duh, yeah! Jeez louise - I hope SCOTT gets his butt in gear soon, or I’m going on a little “Roman holiday” whether I like it or not!
Page 19
FOUR PANELS
1 - To return to SCOTT, we now see a distance shot of one of those bateaux mouches dinner boats on the Seine River, lit up like Bastille Day. The taxi in which SCOTT, FROMAGENT 3 and the TAXI DRIVER arrived unexpectedly is sticking out of the prow, a crumpled, smoking wreck. SCOTT is brushing himself off as a WAITER approaches him; FROMAGENT 3 is standing nearby in shock. The TAXI DRIVER is swimming in the river. Everyone plays off the incident like it ain’t no thang - the French, after all, invented sang froid (as well as the term for it).
WAITER
<Good evening, sir. Table for two? And what name, please?>
SCOTT SUFFIX
SUFFIX. SCOTT SUFFIX.
FROMAGENT 3
Are you sure that you’re all right?
TAXI DRIVER
[thinks]
<There goes another cab. Third time this week. Wacky Americans.>
2 - Cut to a shot of SCOTT and FROMAGENT 3 at a little table for two, with candles and wine. The night and setting are both very romantic. Behind them we can see the glittering panorama of the Reve Gauche as it slides by quietly in the night. The Eiffel Tower is prominent. FROMAGENT 3’S eyes glisten as she leans on one hand and gazes romantically into SCOTT’S eyes.
FROMAGENT 3
Oh, how romantic! I had no idea! Are all Americans as suave as you are, SCOTT?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mon crayon es large!
3 - Suddenly, SCOTT lunges across the table and grabs FROMAGENT 3 by her shapely shoulders.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Listen to me! There’s no time to waste! You must tell me where they’re holding DISCORDIA at once!
FROMAGENT 3
But I can’t! I can’t even remember my own name! You can’t expect a girl to...to...
4 - SCOTT and FROMAGENT 3 unite in a bonecrushingly romantic embrace against a backdrop composed of the lights of Paris. Almost unbearably romantic at this point.
SCOTT SUFFIX
[thinks]
Perhaps this will refresh your memory, bright eyes!
FROMAGENT 3
Mmmmf! Mmmm...
Page 20
EIGHT PANELS
1 - A bemused SCOTT sits at the table, listening to FROMAGENT 3 finish her explanation of LE GRAND FROMAGE and what, in general, is going on - she appears to have recovered her memory sufficiently from the kiss. It’s all been a bit fast for him; he’s trying to sort out the details. (They also appear to have finished their little supper, as well as the wine.)
SCOTT SUFFIX
Um, GHISLAINE, if that really is your name, um... je ne comprends pas?
FROMAGENT 3/GHISLAINE
Of course it is my name! And what is so hard to understand about a top secret escaped experimental military cheese that hypnotizes young women and turns them into an army of Audrey clones? But there’s no more time! You see, LE FROMAGE’S secret hideout is at the top of the Musee d’Orsay! And the Musee d’Orsay...
2 - Shot of GHISLAINE’S (as we must now call her) hand pointing across the Seine to the Left Bank, directly at the silhouette of the Musee d’Orsay, which they happen to be traveling past at this exact moment.
GHISLAINE
[off-panel]
...Happens to be right there!
3 - SCOTT turns in surprise and urgency. He gets up from the table as GHISLAINE does likewise and roots about in her coat pocket, preoccupied for the moment.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Mother of dijonnaise! But how can we get there from here without having the dinner boat pull over?
GHISLAINE
Leave that to me, SCOTT! Ah, there you are!
4 - GHISLAINE pulls a Batman-style cable-and-grappling-hook pistol out of her pocket and fires the grappling hook at the museum in the distance, all in one smooth movement. SCOTT is visibly impressed.
GHISLAINE
Shall we go, my dear?
SCOTT SUFFIX
Allons-y!
SOUND F/X
Pok! Fwizzzzzzz!
5 - Close-up shot of the grappling hook impacting on a section of the Musee d’Orsay’s outer stone facing, just above a large window near the upper edge of the building.
SOUND F/X
Tchunk!
6 - Stylish silhouette shot of SCOTT and GHISLAINE riding the portable cable gun across the sky, over the river and towards the museum. SCOTT is in the act of handing GHISLAINE something as he holds her tight.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Here! Take these cufflinks!
GHISLAINE
Quoi?
SOUND F/X
Zizzzzzzzz!
7 - The two rescuers crash through one of the large picture windows at the top of the museum. The view is from the inside of the room. SCOTT leaps gracefully to the floor in a shower of broken glass. GHISLAINE rolls, equally graceful, to the side. As LE GRANDE FROMAGE shouts out in alarm, and his FROMAGENTS swing into action, SCOTT alerts DISCORDIA to the only tenable course of action.
SCOTT SUFFIX
DISCORDIA! I’ve disabled my protective devices! Use your Golden Apple to possess me and make me a love zombie! It’s my only chance of defeating this gang of fashion models gone bad!
GHISLAINE
Oh!
LE GRANDE FROMAGE
Non! Zees is unacceptable! FROMAGENTS! Destroy zees intruder at once!
8 - A prostrate DISCORDIA activates the Apple in her mouth. We see SCOTT’S eyes dissolve into the spiral swirls of possession, as he acquires all of the destructive powers of the mutant zombie freak children from back in issues 4 and 5. He begins to rip out of his clothing slightly, like the Incredible Hulk.
DISCORDIA
[thinks]
Not a bad idea there, bright eyes! Here ya go!
SOUND F/X
Voooowwwwwwwwwmmmmmm!
Page 21
ONE BIG PANEL
1 - A possessed SCOTT SUFFIX goes berserk and starts smashing up the joint, throwing FROMAGENTS around the room as though they were one-pound barbells. LE GRANDE FROMAGE reels back on his plate in astonishment as bullets bounce off of his zombified hide. It’s a battle royal, and SCOTT is clearly winning.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Raaaahhhhhr yes ma’am yes ma’am whatever you say ma’am smash crush rescue ma’am yes yes ma’am as you wish ma’am you’re the boss ma’am!
FROMAGENTS
Aaaaiiiiieee! Oh my! Bullets won’t stop him! Vive LE GRANDE FROMAGE! Urk! Oh dear! What on earth?!?
LE FROMAGE GRANDE
Mon dieu! I wonder if Napoleon had days like this!
SOUND F/X
Whap! Thop! Bam! Crash! Whack! Bratatatata! etc.
Page 22
FOUR PANELS
1 - In the midst of all of his frantic fisticuffs, SCOTT manages to fight his way over to the palanquin and burst DISCORDIA’S bonds. FROMAGENT swords break on his back. She immediately grabs the Golden Apple out of her mouth and prepares for a fit of vengeance!
SCOTT SUFFIX
Yes ma’am yes ma’am here you go ma’am!
DISCORDIA
Oh yeah! Oh hells yeah! I got a, like, score to settle with you, fondue boy!
SOUND F/X
Snap!
2 - Exterior shot of an upper window of the Musee d’Orsay at night. LE GRAND FROMAGE hurls himself out of the window, shattering the glass. He is pursued by DISCORDIA’S cries of rage.
LE GRAND FROMAGE
You are ze master of ze queek moves, but so am I! Ha ha ha!
DISCORDIA
When I catch you, CHEESE, your life won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on!
SOUND F/X
Skeerash!
3 - LE FROMAGE manages to land on the plate of an outdoor café table across the street in back of the Musee d’Orsay. He is unfortunately in the middle of a group of drunken Frenchmen who are loudly consuming a midnight snack of bread, wine...and cheese! (The restaurant café area is well lit.)
LE GRAND FROMAGE
Safe at last. Uh - mon Dieu! What ees these?!?
SOUND F/X
Plop!
4 - Several Frenchmen around the table close in and begin to tear LE FROMAGE apart, spreading him on bread, eating him off of their knives, etc.
LE GRAND FROMAGE
Noooooooo! C’est impossible! Aaaaaiiiieeeee!
CAPTION
Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
SOUND F/X
Lick! Smack! Chomp! Slurp! Belch!
Page 23
THREE PANELS
1 - Upon the demise of LE GRAND FROMAGE, the FROMAGENTS enter a state of shock: some faint, some wander about aimlessly, bumping into walls and each other. None of them seems capable of fighting any longer. Amid the wreckage of the room stands SCOTT, a love zombie at rest. GHISLAINE approaches DISCORDIA and gives her some ethical advice. She holds out her hand; in it are SCOTT’S cufflinks.
GHISLAINE
He knew what had to be done. He gave me these before we arrived. He trusted you to do the right thing, afterwards. After he saved your life.
DISCORDIA
[reluctantly sighing]
Yeah, I guess I know you’re right.
2 - A pass from the Golden Apple’s magic radiation, and SCOTT SUFFIX is right as rain once again.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Yes ma’am yes ma’am yes...what? Oh, DISCORDIA! Hah! I knew I could count on you! Beneath that glittering golden exterior you really have...well, a heart of gold!
DISCORDIA
[off-panel]
Yeah, yeah, don’t, like, rub it in, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes!
SOUND F/X
Voooowwwwwwwwmmmm!
3 - As SCOTT carefully puts his cufflinks back on, DISCORDIA looks around at all the wandering, dazed FROMAGENTS in the room. GHISLAINE provides some enthusiastic answers, throwing her arms wide in emphasis.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Well, now that I’ve had a chance to catch my breath, what do you want to see first? We have a whole week here, you know!
DISCORDIA
Um, like, what about the leftover Audrey army? Do we need to worry about them? They look a little woozy!
GHISLAINE
Don’t worry about them! Any sudden stimulus can serve to shock them out of their hypnotic state! With time they’ll be right as rain! And now, come with me - I’ll see you to your hotel, and then, tomorrow, I will show you - Paris!
Page 24
FOUR PANELS
1 - Daylight and a medium distance movie-quality shot of SCOTT driving a small European sports car around the Etoile, with DISCORDIA and GHISLAINE beside him and the Arc de Triomphe looming picturesquely in the center of the traffic circle.
DISCORDIA
Tonight I wanna, like, dress to the nines and go dancing at the Moulin Rouge!
GHISLAINE
Oh, what a perfectly marvelous idea!
SCOTT SUFFIX
C’mon, ladies, don’t you want to give Givenchy the night off for a change?
2 - The next shot is of DISCORDIA and SCOTT having an intimate dinner for two together at the restaurant on the lowest tier of the Eiffel Tower. It’s night out, but there is candlelight, of course, and a lovely moon!
DISCORDIA
[shyly]
Um, like, I’m not much good at this sort of thing, SCOTT, but I, um, just wanna thank you for saving me from that freaky cheese thing!
SCOTT SUFFIX
[blushing]
Please, DISCORDIA! Think nothing of it! I make it a point of honor never to let a girl get kidnapped and brainwashed on our first date!
3 - And, as we look down at the surface of the table in a close-up shot, we see DISCORDIA’S slim golden hand and SCOTT’S normal hand (he’s wearing his cufflinks) clasping each other in a very emotional manner.
CAPTION
Ah, young love blossoms yet again in the most romantic city on earth! And no matter what may come to pass in the future, true believers...
4 - Exterior shot of an Air France Airbus taking off from Charles de Gaulle Airport in bright sunshine, on its way back to New York.
CAPTION
...They’ll always have Paris!
THE END