The Matchman
Page 1
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF FOUR PANELS. THE PAGE IS DIVIDED IN HALF HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER HALF IS ALL ONE PANEL; THE LOWER HALF IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN SEQUENCE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.
1 - The comic opens with a panoramic view of the London skyline. Landmark
buildings are prominent: the Tower Bridge, Big Ben, and the Houses of Parliament.
CAPTION
Ah, the United Kingdom! Land of tea and crumpets...
2 - More views of London architecture: St. Paul's, perhaps.
CAPTION
...Mary Poppins and Guy Ritchie...
3 - We approach a line of residential flatblocks south of the Thames River.
CAPTION
...Period dramas and skinhead violence...
4 - As we zero in on the window of a particular flatblock, a piercing
scream erupts from within.
SOUND F/X
Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee!
CAPTION
...And everything in between!
Page 2
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS. AT THE TOP ARE TWO SMALL PANELS SIDE BY SIDE OF EQUAL SIZE. THE MIDDLE IS ONE LARGE SPLASH PANEL. THE BOTTOM IS COMPOSED OF THREE SMALL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE, SIDE BY SIDE.
1 - An attractive young woman, the DUCHESS OF DORKING (a real place, by the
way), cowers in a corner of her couch by an end table with a lamp on it. Her face is contorted in terror of someone we cannot see.
DUCHESS
No... No... This can't be happening!
2 - We move in closer as a mysterious shadow looms over her
DUCHESS
Just stay back! Stay right back, whoever you are, you barmy bastard!
BEEFEATER
[off-panel]
No barmy bastard I, my dear...
3 - This is a big splash panel introducing the BEEFEATER as he terrorizes
our hot young DUCHESS in her own pleasant little flat. He looks just like a deranged variant of the illustration on the gin bottle, but without the halberd. He has big eyes and a moustache. He is also a bit on the short side.
BEEFEATER
...But the BEEFEATER! And I have plans for you, your grace! Plans to restore the glory of England! All I need is a young lady of royal blood, and you, DUCHESS, are the chosen one!
DUCHESS
Never in a million years, you horrid little man!
4 - The DUCHESS throws the end table lamp at the BEEFEATER as she makes a
break for the door. He dodges the thrown lamp easily
BEEFEATER
Come along quietly now, o future crowned head of England -- whoop!
DUCHESS
Certainly not!
5 - The DUCHESS almost makes it to the door...
DUCHESS
[thinks]
Must fetch the police before this madman does something...
6 - But the BEEFEATER seizes her in his loathsome embrace.
BEEFEATER
Fun is fun, my pretty, but now we must be off!
DUCHESS
[thinks]
...Drastic! Oh hell!
Page 3
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF EIGHT EQUAL SIZED PANELS IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - The BEEFEATER lugs his precious captive burden across the shadowy
rooftops of London as twilight falls. The DUCHESS is now tied up and gagged for the trip.
BEEFEATER
First, I must take you to my secret hideout, DUCHESS, where we shall not be disturbed!
DUCHESS
[thinks]
What a perv.
2 - The BEEFEATER makes giant leap from building to building, still
carrying his burden. He is possessed of supernatural strength and agility, although he apparently cannot fly. Darkness is falling as the sun begins to set over London town.
BEEFEATER
You see, your grace, you possess a minor strain of the true royal blood in your veins...
3 - Silhouette shot of the BEEFEATER and the DUCHESS on a rooftop against
the setting sun.
BEEFEATER
...Which makes you a distant, though perfectly viable, heir to the throne of England!
4 - The BEEFEATER arrives at a nondescript block of rather dingy-looking
flats in the East End.
BEEFEATER
This is important, because once I threaten Parliament into deposing our reigning monarch and installing me as the new King...
5 - The BEEFEATER climbs down the side of the flatblock with his bundled
burden. Another silhouette shot.
BEEFEATER
...I shall marry you in order to provide legitimacy to my reign! You shall be my queen, and that of the entire kingdom itself!
DUCHESS
[thinks]
Hmmm... No, I couldn't!
6 - The BEEFEATER slips in a nondescript window into a nondescript flat
several stories up, still carrying the DUCHESS on his back.
BEEFEATER
Then together we shall embark on a reign of blood and terror! We shall make England great again upon the Earth!
DUCHESS
[thinks]
Whatever you're on, mate, I don't want any!
7 - The BEEFEATER turns on a lamp and deposits his royal human cargo
carefully on the sofa. The entire flat is decorated like a medieval castle chamber. Think of the British scientist's apartment in Vienna in the movie The Man With Two Brains.
BEEFEATER
We shall re-establish a global British Empire! The entire planet will tremble at our feet once again!
8 - The BEEFEATER is so overcome by his excess of patriotic emotion that he
whips off his tasseled hat and start singing "Rule Britannia" in a loud and tuneless voice.
BEEFEATER
We'll have to re-conquer India first, naturally... And then Canada and the United States... "Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rule the waves!"
DUCHESS
[thinks]
This is madness, R2! I certainly hope the old Royal Fam isn't slow in implementing the standard emergency procedures!
Page 4
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF FIVE PANELS. IT IS DIVIDED INTO THREE SECTIONS OF EQUAL SIZE, HORIZONTALLY. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN SEQUENCE, WHILE EACH OF THE OTHER TWO THIRDS IS ITS OWN PANEL.
1 - Long shot exterior picture of Windsor Castle. The speech balloon arises
from the structure itself, as in Doonesbury when the President speaks from the White House. This is the case for all the panels on this page.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
My word! Kidnapping? This will not do! We are not amused!
2 - Long shot exterior picture of Buckingham Palace.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
Are you certain you want to bring in VALentine Complex on this one, Mum? Look what happened when you asked them to assist in the matter of the late Princess of Wales...
ANOTHER VOICE
Oh, do shut up, Charlie!
3 - Long shot exterior picture of the Houses of Parliament.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
Disgraceful! A member of the Royal Family kidnapped! This is what comes of electing a Labour P.M., gentlemen! I hope that we have learned our lesson!
ANOTHER VOICE
Right! That's enough of that then, you posh git! Someone call Scotland Yard and give them the go-ahead!
4 - Long shot exterior picture of Scotland Yard.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
(Sigh.) Why do these things always seem to happen on my shift? You'd think that in a nation without firearms nothing untoward would ever -- shhh! It's ringing!
5 - Long shot exterior picture of Scotland Yard.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
Ah, hullo? VALentine Complex, please. Speaking? Very good. This is Scotland Yard calling from Great Britain. Yes, quite. Well, it seems we've got a bit of a problem here that requires your unique expertise in these situations...
Page 5
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - Exterior shot of the VALentine Complex building facade back in New York
City.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, at VALentine Complex...
2 - DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE, MATCHMAN and SUZANNE GRACE stand in a dimly lit
laboratory and study the limp unconscious form of DISCORDIA floating in a clear vitrine full of fluid. (Think Luke in the bacta tank -- hooked up to lots of hoses and wires.) DISCORDIA looks duller than usual, with very faint hints of color in her lips and hair. (She was a originally a brunette.) DOCTOR DENDRITE holds a computerized clipboard of some sort. All three look intense.
CAPTION
...Work proceeds apace at unraveling the secrets of an ex- enemy...
3 - In a sealed lead coffer, hooked up to lots of wires and instruments,
DISCORDIA's golden apple seems to breathe malevolence.
CAPTION
...And the ancient brooding evil that once possessed her!
Page 6
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - As MATCHMAN, DOCTOR DENDRITE, and SUZANNE GRACE study DISCORDIA's limp
figure, the voice of LANCE CORPOREAL comes in over the intercom in the lab. The three of them look up at the interruption.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[from intercom]
Attention, fellow Team members! This is LANCE up in the dispatch office manning the desk! I've just had a call from Scotland Yard...
2 - Close-up of the intercom speaker.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[from intercom]
...It appears that some crazed fiend calling himself (ahem) the BEEFEATER is holding a member of the Royal Family hostage! They're calling for our help! This looks like a job...
3 - MATCHMAN glows with pride, index finger upraised, as he rises to the
challenge. DOCTOR DENDRITE and SUZANNE GRACE look at him with their usual mixture of love and exasperation. His whole face is lit up.
MATCHMAN
...For MATCHMAN! I must depart for the United Kingdom immediately!
4 - DOCTOR DENDRITE and SUZANNE GRACE talk with MATCHMAN in the lab, as he
refuses their offers of assistance.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
It could be too dangerous a mission for you to do this on your own, SCOTT!
SUZANNE GRACE
Yes, don't you think you could use a little backup for this one? It won't take us a moment to suit up and come with!
MATCHMAN
I must graciously refuse your assistance, fellow teammates! But I must face the fury of the BEEFEATER alone! You are needed here to guard against the possibility of attack from our usual enemies at the B.L.A.H. Corporation...
5 - SERGEANT STRIKER lies in a hospital bed with his arm in traction. He
looks bored and restless.
CAPTION
"...Especially with SERGEANT STRIKER still in the infirmary with a broken arm from our last battle!"
6 - MATCHMAN heads for the door of the lab at a dead run. Behind him,
DOCTOR DENDRITE and SUZANNE GRACE look at each other and shrug their shoulders.
MATCHMAN
In fact, I may already be too late! Wish me luck, ladies! I'm off!
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Talk about the understatement of the year.
SUZANNE GRACE
Maybe it's time he switched to decaf?
Page 7
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF FIVE PANELS. THE PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO THREE HORIZONTAL PARTS OF EQUAL SIZE. THE TOP PART IS ONE WIDE PANEL, THE MIDDLE PART IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO THREE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN SEQUENCE.
1 - Here we see MATCHMAN in flight over the wide reaches of the North
Atlantic Ocean.
CAPTION
And so, MATCHMAN is off on his desperate mission...
2 - MATCHMAN flies over central London. Prominent architecture should be
visible so that the reader may be able to identify the city's skyline without too much trouble.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Now, if I were a BEEFEATER, where would I hide? Let's see what my trusty MatchSpider radar can tell me!
CAPTION
Destination...London!
3 - Close-up of MATCHMAN's face as he concentrates on locating the
BEEFEATER with his MatchSpider radar.
MATCHMAN
[thinks]
Aha! I'm getting a reading from a small apartment complex in the East End! Time to zero in...
4 - MATCHMAN bursts in through the ceiling of the BEEFEATER's shabby flat,
startling both him and the captive DUCHESS. The villain regains his composure almost at once, however.
MATCHMAN
Aha! The BEEFEATER, I presume! Cease and desist your foul plots at once, you fiend!
BEEFEATER
MATCHMAN! You startled me! I wasn't expecting you so soon!
DUCHESS
[thinks]
Heavens to mergatroid!
CAPTION
"...And run the fox to earth!"
5 - MATCHMAN grabs the BEEFEATER by the lapels and holds him close to his
own face as he talks to him. The BEEFEATER seems rather self-assured, given his predicament!
MATCHMAN
Give it up, BEEFEATER! It's the bottom of the interval on a damp pitch and you're betting with a busted wicket!
BEEFEATER
Ah...yes, of course. Much as I marvel at your command of our sports metaphors, MATCHMAN, I'm afraid that HAL and I must beg to differ with you!
Page 8
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SEVEN PANELS. IT IS DIVIDED HORIZONTALLY INTO THREE PARTS OF EQUAL SIZE. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN SEQUENCE, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - The door of a closet in the flat swings open slightly.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Who's HAL?
2 - And slowly...
3 - ...The head of HAL the intelligent, prehensile, evil halberd sidekick
of the BEEFEATER pokes out as he emerges stealthily from the darkness of the closet.
4 - HAL hops quietly across the floor of the flat towards MATCHMAN's
unsuspecting back.
MATCHMAN
Speak up, you nut case! Who is HAL? Is he a friend of yours?
BEEFEATER
You might say that...
SOUND F/X
Poink, poink, poink, poink.
5 - HAL clobbers MATCHMAN in the back of the head with the upper portion of
his staff section (not the blade part), knocking him unconscious.
BEEFEATER
...If you were still conscious, that is! Ha ha ha ha!
MATCHMAN
Unnnnhhh!
SOUND F/X
Klonk!
6 - The BEEFEATER and HAL bend over MATCHMAN out cold on the floor. The
DUCHESS looks on from the sofa in silent horror.
BEEFEATER
That will convince you not to meddle in the affairs of omnipotent Albion, you upstart colonial! Come on, HAL -- help me to dispose of this inconvenient Yankee!
7 - MATCHMAN's unconscious body is hurled from the lit window of the flat
through the night air of the East End into the rushing dark waters of the Thames River directly below.
CAPTION
"Let the mighty Thames claim his bones, as it has those of so many others who dared to rise against England's rightful ruler in ages past! Good-bye, MATCHMAN! Ha ha ha ha!"
Page 9
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - This panel shows the evenly flowing surface of the Thames near the
opposite shore. A tiny flash of red costume and cape are all that is visible of MATCHMAN's unconscious body.
2 - Four young Oriental hands emerge from off-panel to pull MATCHMAN from
the water. His head and shoulders break the surface; he is still out cold.
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
[off-panel]
Crikey, DOREEN! Look what I've found! Here, help me fish him out!
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
[off-panel]
Cor! He's a big one, ain't he, DAVID? Heavy, too!
3 - This panel is all black to represent the space behind MATCHMAN's
unopened eyes as he slowly regains consciousness.
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
[off-panel]
Nice outfit. What line do you suppose he's in, then? Run away from the circus?
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
[off-panel]
Dunno, DAVID. Perhaps he's a hire-purchase tout who went on a bender and fell in the river all drunkied up, like?
4 - This panel has a sliver of viewpoint in the middle as MATCHMAN slowly
opens his eyes. It reveals the middle portion of the DOUBLESIGN TWINS at waist level (see below for more details).
MATCHMAN
Uuuuunnnnnhhhh...
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
Hullo! Here he comes round! Let's ask him what he is!
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
He certainly sounds hung over!
5 - The sliver of vision is wider. More of the DOUBLESIGNS is revealed to
MATCHMAN's eyes.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Who...Who are you? You... (Cough) saved my...life...
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
First things first, mate! Who are you, and where do you live, so that we can take you home?
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
Yes, a nice change of clothes and then you can sleep it off all day in your very own bed! Doesn't that sound lovely? What's your name, mate?
6 - MATCHMAN's eyes are almost open in this panel, so we see almost all of
the DOUBLESIGN TWINS, except their heads and faces.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
I... I don't know! I can't remember!
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
Drunk as a lord, he is. You were right, DOREEN.
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
Poor bastard doesn't even know his own name. Chalk another one up to the demon rum, aye?
Page 10
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF FIVE PANELS. THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO TWO PARTS VERTICALLY. THE LEFT HALF OF THE PAGE IS ONE LARGE PANEL. THE RIGHT HALF OF THE PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS, STACKED ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER.
1 - In this big splash panel the DOUBLESIGN TWINS, DAVID and DOREEN, are
revealed standing over the half-drowned and only slightly conscious body of MATCHMAN lying on the embankment of the Thames River. The DOUBLESIGN TWINS, improbable as it may sound, are a pair of Siamese twins joined at the hip, except that one is male and the other is female. They are British subjects of Japanese descent, and have lived most of their sixteen years in London proper. They were orphaned at a young age. They are very good looking, in that Oriental sort of way, and quite physically fit. They are expert martial artists, and are black belts in aikido, judo, jujitsu, karate, kung fu, and the super-secret and fearsomely effective "Wax Tadpole" technique developed and taught to them by their parents before their untimely death. They are possessed of an unearthly grace of movement despite their conjunction. They are dressed in standard London street clothes for young people of this era.
MATCHMAN
So who... (Cough) are you two?
DOREEN
Sorry, mate! We can't remember either! Can we, DAVID?
DAVID
Now, now, DOREEN! None of your cheek! We're the DOUBLESIGN TWINS, then, and don't you forget it!
2 - Close-up of the DOUBLESIGN TWINS' heads as they keep on talking.
DAVID
We're a fearsome pair indeed, we are!
DOREEN
Yes, we're conjoined masters of many varieties of the martial arts...
3 - The TWINS keep on chattering away. They seem very chipper.
DOREEN
...Including, but not limited to, the following: aikido, judo, jujitsu, karate, kung fu...
DAVID
...And, last but certainly not least, the secret, ancient, and dreaded "Wax Tadpole" fighting style -- as known by few and mastered only by yours truly!
4 - Close-up of MATCHMAN's face and upper torso as he lies drenched on the
ground.
MATCHMAN
You... You're Siamese twins...
DAVID
[off-panel]
Well, Japanese, actually, if you want to get technical about it.
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Bloody observant he is for a chap what can't remember his own bloody name, isn't he?
5 - Close-up of MATCHMAN's confused and exhausted face.
DAVID
[off-panel]
Sounds to me like you've got amnesia, mate!
MATCHMAN
Amnesia? ... I can't remember... What that is...
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Well if this ain't half a do!
Page 11
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - Shot of the London cityscape during the day.
CAPTION
Over the next week or so, the BEEFEATER's heinous scheme unfolds!
Hal beats up M.P.'s in dark alleys over the next week or so
2 - The BEEFEATER sits, in full costume, with his legs crossed, on the sofa
in his dingy flat. He is talking on the phone with an air of great self- assurance. The DUCHESS is tied to an armchair nearby. HAL looms behind her.
CAPTION
Threatening phone calls are made...
3 - Shot of a group of London policemen (bobbies) extracting a ransom note
from underneath a statute in Hyde Park near the Serpentine. They are using crowbars to lift the statue's base, with much effort.
CAPTION
Ransom demands are made via ominous untraceable notes...
4 - Shot of a nervous looking businessman-type Member of Parliament on his
way home from a busy day at the office. He is dressed in a suit, wearing a raincoat, and carrying an umbrella and briefcase. He is walking through a dark alley at night.
CAPTION
Even Members of Parliament are not safe...
5 - Suddenly, the M.P. leaps back in fright at the shadow of a halberd head
on the side of the building before him. It's HAL, of course.
CAPTION
...From the terror that stalks the streets of London by night!
6 - HAL hops away from the half-glimpsed scene of the results of a brutal
beating. The body of the M.P. lies in shadow on the pavement. Splashes of blood decorate the side of the building.
SOUND F/X
Poink, poink, poink, poink.
CAPTION
Who says you can't have any fun without guns?
Page 12
THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO NINE PANELS. THE UPPER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS IN SEQUENCE, THE MIDDLE THIRD IS ONE WIDE PANEL, AND THE LOWER THIRD IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR PANELS IN SEQUENCE.
1 - Close-up of SERGEANT STRIKER lying in his hospital bed with his arm in
a sling. He looks worried and wistful.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[thinks]
I don't like it! No one's heard from MATCHMAN for days!
2 - Close-up of Z-GIRL in the VALCom lounge.
Z-GIRL
[thinks]
(Sigh.) It's not like him to just vanish like this! I hope that big lug knows what he's doing!
3 - Close-up of DOCTOR DENDRITE in her laboratory.
DOCTOR DENDRITE
[thinks]
MATCHMAN's prolonged delay is most disturbing! Surely he should have tried to contact us by now!
4 - Close-up of SUZANNE GRACE as she studies her astrological star charts
and books.
SUZANNE GRACE
[thinks]
Hmmm... The stars are vague today... Either MATCHMAN is going to triumph over evil, or he's going to wind up working down at the chip shop and claiming he's Elvis! Most peculiar indeed!
5 - This panel is a wide-angle exterior shot of the VALentine Complex
building in New York City.
CAPTION
Meanwhile, back at VALentine Complex, there is grave concern among the VALCom Team over their missing teammate's whereabouts!
6 - Close-up of LANCE CORPOREAL as he works out his frustrations in the
gym.
LANCE CORPOREAL
[thinks]
If only I had gone with him! It would have done my heart a world of good to see the old gray stones of my alma mater again!
7 - Close-up of CLEMENTINE as she takes a box of cereal from the cabinet in
the refectory.
CLEMENTINE
[thinks]
I'm not worried! MATCHMAN always saves the day!
8 - Close-up of CORBIN as he tinkers with some disassembled piece of
circuitry.
CORBIN
[thinks]
If DOCTOR DEJECTION hasn't been able to stop him for all these years, what can one crazy Brit do to him?
9 - SERGEANT STRIKER again as he frets from his hospital bed. The setting
sun throws bars of sunlight across his bed from the blinds in the window.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[thinks]
Come back, SCOTT! Come back to us in one piece! Or so help me I'll sink the damned island myself!
Page 13
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF EIGHT PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - The DOUBLESIGN TWINS show MATCHMAN into their small but tidy flat in
the East End of London. MATCHMAN takes it all in.
DAVID
Welcome to our humble abode, RED! Hope you like it! You can stay with us for the time being!
DOREEN
Yes! We'll help you get some new clothes and a job down at the Labour Exchange!
MATCHMAN
Gee, it's so spacious! Why is it called a "flat" again?
2 - Scene of MATCHMAN and the DOUBLESIGN TWINS eating dinner around a small
table in the flat.
CAPTION
And so, for the next week, MATCHMAN becomes part of the family...
3 - MATCHMAN asleep at night in the bathtub, dressed only in his underwear.
CAPTION
...Sleeping in the accommodations provided...
4 - Exterior shot of the Tower Bridge. It is daytime, but raining and
gloomy. The dialogue balloons stem from it.
DAVID
[off-panel]
What do you think of the view, RED?
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Yes, isn't it simply breathtaking?
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Does it ever stop raining here in this Britain place?
CAPTION
...And being shown the city by his eager hosts!
5 - Exterior shot of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral. The dialogue
balloons stem from it as before.
DAVID
[off-panel]
...So then, get this, so then the bloke says, "That was great! Next time you hold the bleedin' pigeon and I'll do a turn on him then!" Ha ha ha!
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Oh, stop it, DAVID! Feed the birds, RED? Tuppence a bag!
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
But what do we feed them to?
6 - MATCHMAN and the TWINS walk past a seedy row of shops on Portobello
Road.
DAVID
No, no, you see, that's why it's a joke, you see. That's why it's funny. I mean, it's like the wooden leg has a name of its own, like, so when he asks what the other leg's name is, it's supposed to be humorous...
MATCHMAN
No, I mean yes, I understand that, but why did the man name his legs in the first place? Is that one of your local customs or something?
DOREEN
I'm warning you two prats right now -- we are not watching that bloody movie again tonight!
7 - Interior of a good old-fashioned London pub called the "Dead Parrot."
It is evening. MATCHMAN and the DOUBLESIGN TWINS sit at the sparsely populated bar. They are the recipients of some strange looks from the pub's other patrons. They are having pints of stout.
MATCHMAN
But I don't understand. If London Bridge is now in Arizona (wherever that is), why is it still called "London Bridge"? Plus, if Arizona is a desert, why did they buy it? There's no water there that needs bridging, surely?
DAVID
How the buggering hell should I know, mate? Maybe they threw it across that big hole in the ground they have out there!
DOREEN
You're both way off. I heard that those Arizona gits sold that Grand Canyon of theirs to the ruddy Germans! It's called "Der Dickschlucht" now, or some such. Pure poetry, aye?
8 - Exterior view late at night of the "Dead Parrot" pub. It has a
representative sign outside as well. The dialogue emanates from indoors.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
I don't (hic) know what you call thish here (hic) native beverage of yoursh (hic) DAVID, but I think I likesh it a lot!
DAVID
[off-panel]
Right! Couple of pints more of the black stuff then, guv'nor!
DOREEN
[off-panel]
(Hic!) Ooh, DAVID, I do believe that I am a wee bit tipsy! (Hic!) Good afterbubble, constanoon! Hee hee! (Hic!)
BARKEEP
[off-panel]
Sorry, lads! Time, gentlemen! Time please!
SOUND F/X
Ringalingaling!
Page 14
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SEVEN PANELS. THERE ARE FOUR SMALL PANELS ACROSS THE TOP OF THE PAGE. THERE IS A SINGLE LARGE PANEL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAGE. THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE IS COMPOSED OF TWO PANELS.
1 - Back at the TWINS' flat again. The DOUBLESIGN TWINS and MATCHMAN are
watching a rugby match on television. The TWINS sit on the sofa and MATCHMAN sits on the floor. He sits too close to the T.V., with the air of a child.
MATCHMAN
Wow! What do you call this splendid activity, then? It looks positively mental!
DAVID
Oh, that's just a rugby match, RED. Good for a few laughs now and then, I suppose.
DOREEN
DAVID and I were never much for sport, for reasons that should be all too obvious to the casual observer.
2 - We move in closer on MATCHMAN as he sits bolt upright in shock.
MATCHMAN
A rugby... Match?
DAVID
[off-panel]
Yeah, a rugby match. What did I say?
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Are you feeling okay?
3 - Closer in on MATCHMAN's upper body. He looks dazed.
MATCHMAN
Rugby... Match. Rugby match. Match...
DAVID
[off-panel]
Well, that's it. He's gone completely round the bend.
DOREEN
[off-panel]
It certainly appears so.
4 - Close-up of MATCHMAN's intense face.
MATCHMAN
Match... Match... Match... Man?
5 - In this large panel, MATCHMAN stands up in the middle of the flat
holding his head and shouts at the top of his lungs in self-recognition. The DOUBLESIGN TWINS rear back on the sofa in surprise.
MATCHMAN
Mother of mayonnaise! I'm MATCHMAN! And I was sent here on a mission of grave import!
DAVID
Buggering hell! So that's who he is then! What's a MATCHMAN?
DOREEN
Lovely. Not only barmy, but violent, too! Who'd have guessed?
6 - MATCHMAN turns urgently to his hosts as he asks them questions. The
TWINS sit on the couch. MATCHMAN sort of kneels in front of it to talk to them.
MATCHMAN
I remember everything now! You -- the DOUBLESIGN TWINS! You saved my life! But now I must go and thwart the BEEFEATER before he takes over the United Kingdom! How much time have I lost? How long have I been without memory?
DAVID
Oh, about a week, I suppose.
DOREEN
Yes, it was Monday last when we fished you out of the river. We though perhaps you might have been drunk, or something.
7 - MATCHMAN stands up and puts his hands to his head in a state of wild
agitation at the news he has just received.
MATCHMAN
A week?!? Holy guacamole! I may already be too late! I must confront the BEEFEATER at once!
DAVID
[off-panel]
Well, all right then, but we're coming with you!
DOREEN
[off-panel]
Call it a sort of involved curiosity, if you like...
Page 15
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - A wide panoramic view of the Houses of Parliament, with Big Ben by
their side. It is day. An outraged voice issues from the facade of the building.
VOICE FROM WITHIN
All right, what's all this then?!? Oww!
SOUND F/X
Bonk!
CAPTION
"...But we'd really like to know what on earth is going on around here!"
2 - The BEEFEATER and HAL stand with the bound DUCHESS on the floor of
Parliament. All of the M.P.'s present gape at them in shock. The mace- bearer (a Parliament official) lies on the floor, unconscious, having evidently just been brained with his own ceremonial weapon, which is now in the hands of our villain.
BEEFEATER
Silence! Listen to me, you assortment of panty-waisted pettifogging latter-day nancy boys! This is the BEEFEATER speaking!
3 - The BEEFEATER continues to address a stunned Parliament.
BEEFEATER
I have compiled a short list of my demands! You will comply with them -- or perish miserably! The choice is yours!
ANONYMOUS BACKBENCHER
[sotto voce]
Not much of a bloomin' choice, then, is it?
Page 16
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - The BEEFEATER addresses Parliament as he begins to read from a small
scroll that he takes out of his pocket. He looks like a town crier.
BEEFEATER
I the BEEFEATER hereby proclaim the following: that I be made King and Emperor of a resurgent British Empire, that the DUCHESS OF DORKING be made my Queen, that Great Britain immediately take steps to re-conquer the following provinces and colonies that are rightfully hers: India, Canada, the United States, South Africa, Burma...
2 - The Prime Minister (a thinly disguised caricature of Tony Blair, of
course) turns to confer with his fellow Cabinet members on the front benches.
PRIME MINISTER
Ah, well, would if we could, right lads?
CABINET MEMBER
(Sigh.) Too true, too true. Well, can't so we won't then, sir. Can't be helped.
3 - Suddenly a squad of London policemen (aka "bobbies") comes storming
into Parliament. They head straight for the BEEFEATER, ostensibly to arrest him. Their billy clubs are drawn and brandished threateningly.
BOBBY NO. 1
There he is, men! That's the bastard who's tried to blackmail the Government!
BOBBY NO. 2
Let's get him!
BOBBY NO. 3
Come along quietly, you! No need for the rough stuff!
BEEFEATER
...Hong Kong, Malaysia, Singapore, France -- What?
4 - HAL turns and quickly hops over to the entering BOBBIES, proceeding to
beat them unmercifully until they are all out cold, their unconscious bodies scattered across the floor, as well as a portion of the unoccupied benches.
BEEFEATER
Dolts! You interrupted me while I was speaking! I have the floor!
SOUND F/X
Whap! Bam! Thunk! Crack! Whack! etc.
5 - The BEEFEATER stands in the middle of the floor of Parliament, arms
spread wide, shouting out his ridiculous demands angrily.
BEEFEATER
I want perfumed slaves! Nuclear strikes on Oslo, Copenhagen and Gstaad! Bills of attainder! Heads on spikes! Englishmen on the Moon and Mars! Rhodesia re-established! Ireland turned into a giant car park! Latin on the coins! Bring me the head of Guy Ritchie!
6 - A shout rings out off panel, startling the BEEFEATER. He turns around
slowly.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
Hie thee hence, varlet!
BEEFEATER
I want -- Eh?
Page 17
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF FOUR PANELS. THERE ARE THREE SMALL PANELS ACROSS THE TOP OF THE PAGE, AND THE REST OF IT IS ONE BIG SPLASH PANEL.
1 - MATCHMAN and the DOUBLESIGN TWINS stride into Parliament ready for
battle.
BEEFEATER
[off-panel]
MATCHMAN! You live! How on earth - ?
MATCHMAN
That's right, pretty boy! And I brought along some friends this time, too!
2 - MATCHMAN and the DOUBLESIGN TWINS face off against the BEEFEATER and
HAL across the floor of Parliament. The DUCHESS lies trussed in the background. Many M.P.'s are taking this moment to quietly leave the building. When MATCHMAN says his part, HAL bends in half and looks down at himself in puzzlement.
MATCHMAN
Now why don't you and your inanimate friend there drop your weapons and come along quietly?
BEEFEATER
Oh, that's rich, MATCHMAN, really rich! Why don't you pull the other one while you're at it?
HAL
[thinks]
?
3 - The DOUBLESIGN TWINS move forward as MATCHMAN holds out a warning arm
to restrain them.
DAVID
Come on, MATCHMAN! We can take him and his glorified toothpick!
DOREEN
Yeah! Action, not words, mate! Action not words!
MATCHMAN
No, TWINS! Fighting is, as always, only the last resort of the truly good super hero! Only a terminal cad would resort to violence to prove his point!
BEEFEATER
[off-panel]
Oh, really? How interesting...
4 - This is the big fight splash panel where MATCHMAN and the BEEFEATER,
the DOUBLESIGN TWINS and HAL all leap into combat against each other in front of the poignant backdrop of the deserted benches of the Mother of all Parliaments. The TWINS are giving vent to horrific kiai martial arts shouts as they attack expertly. The BEEFEATER still wields the ceremonial mace of state.
BEEFEATER
...I was just thinking along similar lines!
MATCHMAN
Right! How do you take your tea, BEEFEATER? One lump or two?
DOUBLESIGN TWINS IN UNISON
Aaaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaah!
HAL
[thinks]
!
Page 18
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF THREE HORIZONTAL PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE.
1 - MATCHMAN is hit hard on the jaw by the BEEFEATER's massive uppercut
with the mace. The blow propels him upwards through the ceiling of the Parliament House.
BEEFEATER
Ha! You, my dear nemesis, are but a mere shuttlecock, whereas I am the battledore! Service!
MATCHMAN
Watch your mouth, you -- Urrrrggh!
SOUND F/X
Whop!
2 - Distance exterior shot of MATCHMAN arcing up from the Houses of
Parliament and smashing right into the closest clock face of Big Ben nearby.
SOUND F/X
Kkkkkkkssssshhhh!
3 - MATCHMAN emerges from the hole he has just made in Big Ben. He is, as
usual, undaunted, as well as apparently unharmed by the experience. Perhaps a bit cut and bruised, but that is all. He is angry.
MATCHMAN
Double fault!
Page 19
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SEVEN PANELS. THERE ARE THREE SMALL PANELS ACROSS THE TOP, A SINGLE LARGE PANEL IN THE MIDDLE, AND THREE SMALL PANELS ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.
1 - The DOUBLESIGN TWINS attack and defend themselves mightily with their
formidably coordinated martial arts skills. The BEEFEATER and HAL redouble their efforts.
BEEFEATER
And now for the hired help!
DAVID
Bring it, codpiece!
DOREEN
We'll beat you so hard, you'll think you're Rex Harrison!
2 - The DOUBLESIGNS press their assault on the BEEFEATER with a flying
kick.
DOUBLESIGN TWINS IN UNISON
Bite the wax tadpole!
BEEFEATER
Urrrghh!
3 - HAL starts belaboring the DOUBLESIGNS in order to save his master. The
BEEFEATER gets back on his feet.
DAVID
Watch out, sis!
DOREEN
Ooooff! Stupid bloody walking stick!
BEEFEATER
Ah, yes! Thrash them, HAL! Thrash them!
4 - The large middle splash combat panel depicts the DOUBLESIGN TWINS
desperately holding on under the combined physical onslaught of HAL and the
BEEFEATER.
DOREEN
He's... He's too strong, DAVID!
DAVID
Hang on, DOREEN! MATCHMAN will be back in no time! Just hang on!
BEEFEATER
Ha ha ha! You two are fools to place your hopes in a man whom I have already felled twice! He will never return again!
5 - The faces of the DOUBLESIGN TWINS in close-up as they grow more and
more desperate under the pummeling they are receiving.
BEEFEATER
He will...
6 - Closer in. The faces of the TWINS are more desperate.
BEEFEATER
...Never...
7 - Extreme close-up. The TWINS look like they're about to give in under
the onslaught of their enemies.
BEEFEATER
...Return!
Page 20
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SEVEN PANELS. THERE ARE FOUR SMALL PANELS ACROSS THE TOP, ONE WIDE PANEL IN THE MIDDLE, AND TWO EQUAL SIZED PANELS THAT SPAN THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, SIDE BY SIDE.
1 - Extreme close-up of DAVID's face in extremis.
2 - Extreme close-up of DOREEN's face, also in dire straits.
3 - Extreme close-up of the BEEFEATER's sadistic mustachioed leer.
4 - Extreme close-up of HAL's bladed head end, looking inscrutable.
5 - Giant splash panel as MATCHMAN comes roaring back down through the roof
of the Parliament House to tackle the BEEFEATER where he stands and saves the day. (The ceremonial mace goes flying from his grasp.) HAL looks unpleasantly surprised. The TWINS look surprised and happy. Even the DUCHESS, off in the background, looks surprised and tearfully thankful.
MATCHMAN
Never say never again, BEEFEATER!
BEEFEATER
Aaaaarrghh!
DOUBLESIGN TWINS IN UNISON
MATCHMAN! Hooray! You made it!
SOUND F/X
Thoom! Zoosh! Wham!
6 - MATCHMAN proceeds to render the BEEFEATER unconscious with a tremendous
right to the jaw.
MATCHMAN
[sings]
"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!"
7 - HAL flies up and out of the hole in the roof and escapes as the
DOUBLESIGN TWINS try to catch him but are too late.
DAVID
Hey! Where d'you think you're going, then?
DOREEN
Oh no you don't!
HAL
[thinks]
!
Page 21
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF EIGHT PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE IN GRID FORMATION.
1 - MATCHMAN delivers the unconscious vanquished BEEFEATER into the keeping
of officials from Scotland Yard outside the Houses of Parliament.
SCOTLAND YARD OFFICIAL
Good show, MATCHMAN! We've been looking for this rotter for months, ever since he escaped from the special "X Ward" for insane criminals at the Wormwood Scrubbs maximum-security prison facility!
MATCHMAN
No problem, leftenant! I only regret that his diabolical halberd sidekick managed to escape in all the confusion!
2 - Three London bobbies have a discussion with each other over Hal's exact
identity.
BOBBY NO. 1
I always though of him as more of a pike than a halberd.
BOBBY NO. 2
He seemed to me to be more of a ranseur, if one wanted to get technical...
BOBBY NO. 3
Perhaps something in the way of a spontoon, actually.
3 - The DUCHESS is shown kissing MATCHMAN on the cheek by way of thanks.
MATCHMAN is blushing and looks embarrassed.
DUCHESS
Why, thank you ever so much, MATCHMAN, for rescuing me from the clutches of that horrid little toad of a villain -- you great big sexy bastard you!
MATCHMAN
Uh, er, um, you're quite welcome, um, your grace, um...
4 - A wanted poster featuring the bladed head of Hal the halberd and
carrying the writing "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POLEARM?" and "WANTED -- REWARD OFFERED" is shown plastered on the side of a building.
CAPTION
And so, while Hal the evil halberd roams about at large...
5 - Picture of the BEEFEATER, now out of costume and in regulation prison
garb, shaking the bars of the small window in his cell door in prison. His eyes reveal that he is clearly around the bend at this point.
BEEFEATER
Open the cell doors please Hal! Open the cell doors please Hal!
CAPTION
...The nefarious BEEFEATER is returned to a very necessary state of captivity...
6 - MATCHMAN goes down on one knee to talk to the DOUBLESIGN twins.
MATCHMAN
Well, it's been fun, kids, but it's really time I should be back at VALentine Complex! There are always plenty of good deeds to do! Would you like to come back with me? I'm sure the organization would benefit from your proven combat skills!
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
Would we ever!
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
Too right, mate!
CAPTION
...While MATCHMAN contemplates a return journey of his own!
7 - MATCHMAN takes off into the London sky, carrying the DOUBLESIGN twins
with him on his back.
MATCHMAN
Hang on tight, twins! Hopping the pond can be a bit turbulent at times!
8 - Distance shot of MATCHMAN flying over the middle of the North Atlantic
Ocean, carrying the DOUBLESIGNS on his back.
CAPTION
And a brisk transoceanic flight later...
Page 22
THIS PAGE IS COMPOSED OF SIX PANELS. THIS PAGE IS DIVIDED IN HALF VERTICALLY. THE LEFT HALF OF THE PAGE IS ONE BIG SPLASH PANEL. THE RIGHT HALF OF THE PAGE IS DIVIDED INTO FIVE PANELS OF EQUAL SIZE STACKED ONE ATOP THE OTHER.
1 - MATCHMAN flies in over the New York City skyline carrying the
DOUBLESIGNS in his arms.
MATCHMAN
There it is, kids! New York City! Home of VALentine Complex, as well as many fine pizza parlors!
DOUBLESIGN DAVID
Wow! It's just like I imagined it, only cleaner!
DOUBLESIGN DOREEN
Whew! It does get cold at these altitudes! Are you sure we couldn't have just taken a Concorde?
CAPTION
...Our conquering hero returns to his hometown!
2 - A group shot of the entire VALCom Team welcoming MATCHMAN home and
being introduced to the DOUBLESIGNS. Handshakes and back slaps all around.
CAPTION
And so, the heartiest congratulations are in order for
MATCHMAN...
3 - The DOUBLESIGNS spar with LANCE CORPOREAL in the gym. LANCE seems to be
having a tough time of it against his opponents' peculiar brand of martial arts.
CAPTION
...As well as a challenging welcome to the newest members of the VALCom Team, as they and their martial arts skills are put to a grueling test.
4 - This panel shows a much-faded DISCORDIA lying on an antiseptic slab
inside a transparent isolation chamber in the VALCom laboratory. She is slowly returning to normal humanity -- there is a slight tinge of red to her lips, paleness to her skin, darkness to her hair, etc. MATCHMAN and DOCTOR DENDRITE observe her through the glass wall panel.
MATCHMAN
Any new developments with DISCORDIA, DOC?
DOCTOR DENDRITE
Her condition has been slowly improving while you've been away, MATCHMAN. It seems that, deprived of the pernicious influence of the golden apple that stole her identity from her, she is returning to normal.
5 - A close-up shot of the golden apple, glowing malevolently in a special
container in the lab, with a lot of wires and tubes coming out of it -- very high-tech.
MATCHMAN
[off-panel]
And what of the apple itself, then?
DOCTOR DENDRITE
[off-panel]
It continues to baffle us, I'm afraid. It is an evil artifact of tremendous arcane power -- and that is all that we may be certain of at this stage. We must conduct further studies in order to fully probe its secrets, and perhaps harness its awesome might for good instead of evil!
6 - All's well that ends well, as we see MATCHMAN sitting in the lounge
with the other members of the VALCom Team describing his exploits overseas for the umpteenth time. All look impressed except for Z-GIRL, who is tired of hearing about the DUCHESS.
MATCHMAN
...And then she kissed me, right here on the cheek! And she called me a sexy bahstahd, too! She's actually a member of the Royal Family, you know!
Z-GIRL
Oh, for the love of Mike, MATCHMAN, will you please stop talking about that stupid kiss you got from Princess Hemophilia or whatever her name was? I'm tired of hearing about it!
CAPTION
Don't miss the next stunning installment of the MATCHMAN saga, folks! Our hero travels to the Land of the Rising Sun, otherwise known as Japan, and you know what that means! You guessed it...Ninjas! Scantily clad female Ninjas! Check it out, otaku-san!