The MatchmanFADE IN ON MAIN TITLES.
CUT TO AN IMPOSING SHOT OF INTERSTELLAR SPACE
Near the planet Earth, a small swarm of miniscule asteroids begins to enter the atmosphere and burn up in the phenomenon commonly known as a meteor shower. An anonymous NARRATOR'S voice comments.
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
Ah, space. Some call it the doorway to tomorrow; others know it simply as the final frontier. But one thing it surely is...
CUT TO SHOT OF METEORS BURNING UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE.
As the meteors begin to glow and disintegrate, small clouds of microscopic living spore organisms are dispersed in a fine rain to fall separately onto the planet's surface.
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
...The vile source of an endless array of repulsive, humanity-threatening alien life forms!
CUT TO SHOT OF MICROSCOPIC ORGANISMS DUSTING DOWN UPON THE GRASS, SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY.
As the camera zooms in, we see that each individual little spore is actually a small blue blob with a sphincter-shaped mouth full of spiraling sharp teeth and no evident eyes. Voraciously, these microscopic blobs begin to feed on other microorganisms. Many are eaten in turn.
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
Luckily for the human race, most of the aliens that land on Earth -- assuming that they actually survive the heat of entry friction -- are swiftly consumed by the local microscopic flora and fauna.
Even as most of the microscopic alien organisms are loudly eaten by local amoebae, paramecia, and suchlike, one alien manages to eat all of her attackers, growing proportionately larger at a frightening pace.
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
But wait! What's this? Oh no! One of the aliens has actually managed to survive her savage battle for dominance over our planet's under-appreciated first line of defense! She's growing larger...larger...Great Scott! She's about to breach the barrier and go...(gasp)...
CUT TO SHOT OF AILEEN THE ALIEN, NOW MACROSCOPIC, PERCHED ON THE TIP OF A BLADE OF GRASS. SHE EATS A LADYBUG, HICCUPS, AND BELCHES PRETTILY. AILEEN HAS A VERY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, RATHER LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
...Macroscopic!
AILEEN
Hic! Burp! Yum! I like it!
AILEEN grows larger through a series of shots, as she devours various bugs, some grass, spiders, etc. As she grows she eats more and more things. When she's the size of a rat, she eats birds; when she's the size of a large dog, she eats trees, cats, etc. AILEEN is omnivorous in the truest sense of the word, but she won't eat anything that is plainly inorganic -- only material that is or was once alive. Eventually she is roughly the mass of a single human being.
AILEEN
Ooooh! And what's (glomp) this? Oh goody! And this? (chomp) Yummy! And I'll just grab myself one of these! (glorp) And these! (crunch) Oh my! Scrumptious! Is there anything here on this smorgasbord planet that doesn't taste good? (slurp) Burp! Ooops! Tee hee!
CUT TO SHOT OF A GUY DRIVING BY IN A CAR. IN A FIELD AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD HE SEES OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE AILEEN DEVOUR A COW IN ONE GULP. THE CAR SCREECHES TO A STOP AS HE GETS OUT AND STARES IN FASCINATION AT THE VISITOR FROM ANOTHER WORLD.
GUY
Good grief! Are...are you...you must be an extra-terrestrial!
AILEEN
Hi! I'm AILEEN! Where am I? This place is really tasty!
GUY
New Jersey's been called a lot of things, but tasty hasn't ever been one of them! (Ahem.) I come in peace! Would you like me to take you to our leader?
AILEEN
Sure! Let me just finish my scrumptious little snack here!
(Glomp!)
AILEEN PICKS THE GUY UP WITH A PSEUDOPOD, PUTS HIM IN HER MOUTH AND EATS HIM. HIS ASTONISHED SCREAM IS GRUESOMELY CUT OFF.
AILEEN
[chewing loudly]
So (slurp) this is Planet New Jersey. Not bad, not bad at all. I gotta (smack) get me some more of that last specimen. It's (crunch) like I always say -- the closer (chew) you get to the top of the food chain, the more scrumptious the entree!
AILEEN SLOUCHES OFF DOWN THE HIGHWAY, INTO THE RISING SUN OF DAWN. A SIGN NEARBY INDICATES THAT NEW YORK CITY IS IN THE DIRECTION THAT SHE IS HEADING.
CUT TO DOCTOR DEJECTION'S SECRET UNDERGROUND COMMAND BUNKER. DISCORDIA, SUPER FICIAL! AND EL BURRO BANDITO ARE WATCHING EARLY MORNING CARTOONS ON THE GIANT VIEWSCREEN, WHEN SUDDENLY DOCTOR DEJECTION HIMSELF WALKS, OR RATHER FLOATS, INTO THE MAIN ROOM.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Great Karza! What do you three incompetents think you're doing?
DISCORDIA
We was waitin' for ya, DOCTOR D., and we decided to flip around and see what was on. No biggie.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Si, senor, es notheeng. We found thees funnee cartoon where thees guy, he have the super powers, and fight the bad hombres for the control...
SUPER FICIAL!
[in a voice choked with emotion]
And it was just so...true to life, you know? You really felt for the villains. They just couldn't win, yet they kept at it anyway. My heart went out to them.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Your heart will come out to me in a second, you sentimental oaf! Formation time, lackeys! Atten-shun!
DISCORDIA, EL BURRO BANDITO, AND SUPER FICIAL! IMMEDIATELY RUSH TO STAND AT ATTENTION IN A STRAIGHT LINE IN FRONT OF DOCTOR DEJECTION'S COMMAND CHAIR. DOCTOR DEJECTION SITS WEARILY DOWN IN HIS COMMAND CHAIR WITH AN "IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF" EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. HE TURNS TO FACE THE GIANT VIEWSCREEN, WHICH IS STILL SHOWING CARTOONS. HE GRIMACES AS HE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Ludicrous nonsense! Silly escapist fantasies! Everyone knows real heroes and real villains don't act like that, running around spouting nonsense and wearing those ridiculous costumes! We're a very conservative bunch in real life. Now, speaking of which, I don't suppose anyone's bothered to run the daily scan of northern New Jersey in search of new allies with our new patent-pending Evilscope, hmm?
CUT TO THE LINE-UP. DISCORDIA, EL BURRO BANDITO, AND SUPER FICIAL! ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Of course not! The fates forefend we ever actually triumph over those busybodies at VALentine Complex! Here, I'll do it myself! [he presses a button on the arm of his command chair] What a bunch of decorticated cacti! Mutter... grumble... gripe...
THE VIEWSCREEN LIGHTS UP IN "PATENT-PENDING EVILSCOPE" MODE AND BEGINS SCANNING NORTHERN NEW JERSEY. THE DISPLAY SWIFTLY LOCKS ONTO A STRONG SOURCE OF EVIL NEAR THE LINCOLN TUNNEL INTO MANHATTAN.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Well, what's this? Interesting! It's not every day that you find a massive source of evil devouring the contents of shipping containers over in the wetlands of Hackensack! Let's have a look-see, shall we?
AS DOCTOR DEJECTION PRESSES ANOTHER BUTTON, HIS MINIONS BREAK FORMATION AND COME CROWDING FORWARD AROUND HIM TO LOOK AT THE VIEWSCREEN. THE VIEWSCREEN SWITCHES OVER TO A VIEW OF A MUCH LARGER AILEEN IN A VAST YARD FULL OF PARKED SHIPPING CONTAINERS NEAR THE HUDSON RIVER, PICKING THEM UP ONE BY ONE WITH HER PSEUDOPODS AND VIGOROUSLY SHAKING THEIR CONTENTS -- PRESUMABLY ORGANIC -- INTO HER MOUTH, PRINGLES-CAN STYLE.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Oh my sainted aunt! It must be my birthday! Look at this, my unwashed minions! The perfect opportunity! If we can persuade this creature to join forces with us, we could be unstoppable! We would finally be able to bring the VALentine Complex Team to their knees! There would be nothing we couldn't accomplish! No scheme beyond our capacity! The world would be our oyster!
SUPER FICIAL!
I think I saw something like that in a video game once!
EL BURRO BANDITO
I theenk I saw sometheeng like that once een a microwave burrito at the conveenience store, mank!
DISCORDIA
Well, I never -- Hey! Like, I am so not unwashed!
CUT TO AILEEN THE ALIEN EATING SHIPPING CONTAINERS OUT BY THE HUDSON RIVER. SHE IS QUITE LARGE HERSELF BY THIS POINT, AND STILL GROWING AS SHE CONTINUES TO EAT. SUDDENLY, DOCTOR DEJECTION, SUPER FICIAL! AND DISCORDIA FLY UP AND LAND IN FRONT OF HER. SUPER FICIAL! IS CARRYING EL BURRO BANDITO IN HIS ARMS.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Good-day, fellow participant in the ancient game of evil! Permit me to introduce myself! I am DOCTOR DEJECTION, diva of doom and ruthless master of the international corporation of Badguys Leagued Against Humanity -- or B.L.A.H. And these [DISCORDIA, EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPR FICIAL! square their shoulders proudly], well, these are just three of my unimportant spear-carriers. [The three slump, annoyed.] Now who might you be, and would you care to join forces and become as one? It would heighten our effectiveness -- there would be nothing we couldn't do as a team, together!
AILEEN
[puts down the freight container and leans in close]
Hi there! My name's Aileen! Nice planet you've got here, this New Jersey world! That's a great suggestion you just made, tidbit, us joining forces! Most appetizing! Very scrumptious! Yum!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[chuckling condescendingly for a moment]
Heh heh heh, no no my dear AILEEN, this planet's name isn't "New Jersey," heh heh, it's -- ah, rewind a moment. What did you just refer to me as?
AILEEN
Tidbit! Doctor Tidbit! It means, "snack!" And I mean to, too!
AILEEN LEANS FORWARD MENACINGLY, EXTRUDING PSEDUPODS IN ORDER TO FEED ON OUR VILLAINS.
SUPER FICIAL!
Uh-oh, guys, I don't like that look in her nucleus!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Aieeee! Look out, mank! Eet's every burro for himself!
DISCORDIA
Like, take evasive action!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
No! Wait! AILEEN, I propose an alliance! I offer you the world -- on a platter -- with garnish -- free refills -- whoaaaa!
AILEEN POUNCES, PSEUDOPODS FLAILING, AND GRAPPLES HUNGRILY FOR OUR VILLAINS. EL BURRO BANDITO DODGES OUT OF HARM'S WAY AND DRAWS HIS SHOTGUN. SUPER FICIAL! DUCKS AND PUNCHES THE NEAREST PSEUDOPOD. DISCORDIA ATTEMPTS TO USE HER APPLE TO CONTROL THE ALIEN, AS DOCTOR DEJECTION SWIFTLY DUCKS BEHIND HER AND COWERS FROM COVER.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
The foul gourmand's gone berserk! Use your golden apple on it, DISCORDIA! Hurry!
DISCORDIA
I'm, like, trying, DOCTOR D.! I can't hypnotize it, 'cause it's, like, female, or something!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Great -- female and obviously coming off of a diet. We're done for!
AILEEN
Oooooo! A golden apple! I'll bet it's magically delicious! Come to mama, scrumptious! Come to mama!
DISCORDIA
Ah, ah, ah, you interstellar booger! Never forget that an apple, like, a day keeps the gastroenterologist away! Take that! And that!
DISCORDIA UNLEASHES BURST AFTER BURST OF SCORCHING GOLDEN ENERGY FROM HER APPLE, DRIVING AILEEN BACK TOWARDS THE RIVER. AILEEN RETREATS IN PAIN. MEANWHILE, SUPER FICIAL! IS SPEEDBAGGING A PSEUDPOD, AND EL BURRO BANDITO UNLEASHES A MIGHTY SHOTGUN BLAST INTO AILEEN'S FLANK.
SUPER FICIAL!
Nice shot, DISCORDIA! Now I'll bat clean up!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Choo want some food, senorita? I geeve you some food, all choo can eat! I hope you like da lead salad! Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Well done, my minions! The filthy epicure from Mars is on the run! That'll teach it to attempt to eat an evil genius!
AILEEN
Ouchie! That's enough of this! Food that fights back isn't food! Pain is definitely not scrumptious! Besides, what with all of those buildings across the river, you know that one of 'em's just got to be a great big buffet restaurant! So long, disagreeables! So long, Doctor Tidbit! B.L.A.H., is right! Yuck!
AILEEN LUNGES AWAY AND LEAPS INTO THE NEARBY HUDSON RIVER. SHE SWIMS IN THE DIRECTION OF MANHATTAN, ONE PSEUDOPOD HELD UP ABOVE THE SURFACE OF THE RIVER LIKE A PERISCOPE. DOCTOR DEJECTION, DISCORDIA, EL BURRO BANDITO AND SUPER FICIAL! WATCH HER GO FROM THE RIVER'S EDGE. DOCTOR DEJECTION LOOKS RELIEVED.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Good gravy! Can you believe that... that... blue meanie actually wanted to devour me? ME?!? Nice job, dog soldiers. [EL BURRO BANDITO and SUPER FICIAL! make macho noises of triumph and high-five each other.] Well, at least we managed to send that particular ball hurtling with an overhand smash of doom into MATCHMAN'S side of the court -- him and his goody-two-shoes VALCom Team. I just wish I could see his face when this AILEEN entity shows up on his doorstep! Hah! He and his lackluster band of incompetents don't stand a chance against that ravenous she-pudding from beyond the stars! Ha ha ha!
DISCORDIA
Like, you are so right, DOCTOR D.! That icky sticky goop will eat them alive! Like, problem solved! Ha ha ha!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[realization dawning in his voice]
And after it does, it'll... come... after... (gulp) me. For revenge. And if it keeps getting larger as it feeds... oh dear.
DISCORDIA NOTICES THAT DOCTOR DEJECTION HAS STOPPED LAUGHING AND NOW LOOKS PENSIVE, SO SHE STOPS LAUGHING TOO.
DISCORDIA
What, DOCTOR D.? What's wrong? Are you, like, thinkin' again?
AS DOCTOR DEJECTION DELIVERS THE FOLLOWING MONOLOGUE, THE CAMERA ZOOMS SLOWLY IN ON HIS FACE SO THAT, AT THE END, HIS FACE FILLS THE ENTIRE SHOT, FULL-FRAME, IN ORDER TO HEIGHTEN THE TENSION OF THE MOMENT.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[in a voice full of bad drama]
Thought is the cross that my catastrophically brilliant brain must bear for the good of B.L.A.H., my dear DISCORDIA. Yes, I am thinking, and I am repulsed by the direction in which my train of thought is heading, much against my will. AILEEN may very well destroy MATCHMAN and the cursed VALCom Team utterly, in which case we will be faced with a far more potent and implacable enemy with whom to do battle for control of the city. Better the enemy you know than the enemy you don't! I'm afraid, my dear, that, circumstances being what they are, all of my calculations lead to one inescapable conclusion...
CUT TO AN OUTSIDE LONG-DISTANCE VIEW OF THE VALENTINE COMPLEX HEADQUARTERS BUILDING IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[voice-over]
...We must temporarily ally with VALCom to stop this AILEEN, I mean, alien menace!
DISCORDIA
[voice-over]
Say it ain't so, DOCTOR D.! Like, say it ain't so!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[voice-over]
Yes, yes, I know...
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
Meanwhile, at the skyscraper that is VALentine Complex headquarters...
CUT TO AN INSIDE VIEW OF A CORRIDOR INSIDE VALENTINE COMPLEX. PAN ACROSS TO VIEW THE OUTSIDE OF AN OFFICE DOOR. THE DOOR IS MARKED, "SUZANNE GRACE -- HEAD ASTROLOGICAL TECHNICIAN -- PRIVATE."
CUT TO A VIEW INSIDE THE OFFICE. SUZANNE GRACE IS SITTING IN THE MIDST OF A WHIRLWIND OF PAPERS, STACKED ALL OVER HER DESK, IN HAPHAZARD ORDER. SHE IS WORKING FRANTICALLY, TYPING AT HER COMPUTER TERMINAL. SUDDENLY, THE PHONE RINGS. SHE MOVES SOME PAPERS ASIDE AND ANSWERS THE PHONE ON THE FIRST RING, AS THOUGH IMPATIENT FOR SOMETHING.
SUZANNE GRACE
It's about time, Z-GIRL! Where have you been with that --
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[on phone]
Silence, mere astrologer! This is DOCTOR DEJECTION speaking!
SUZANNE GRACE
[taken aback]
But -- how did you --
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Silence, I say! It was child's play to crack your puny telecommunications codes! Now listen carefully -- the city teeters on the brink of grave danger --
SUZANNE GRACE
Yeah, I know -- and you're the one about to push it over the edge, like usual, you twisted silhouette! Now sit tight while I trace this call and have SERGEANT STRIKER vector MATCHMAN in on your shadowy butt! [She hits a button on her computer terminal.]
DOCTOR DEJECTION
No, no, wait! This time it's actually not B.L.A.H.! We face a common danger! A voracious alien named AILEEN is devouring all organic matter in the city! Hasn't than diamond-brand imbecile SERGEANT of yours registered it on his simple-Simon scanners yet?
SUZANNE GRACE
Hold the line -- I'll ask him!
SUZANNE GRACE, WHILE HOLDING HER HAND OVER THE RECEIVER ON HER PHONE, SHOULDERS OPEN HER OFFICE DOOR AND YELLS DOWN THE HALL FOR SERGEANT STRIKER. AT PRECISELY THE SAME TIME, SERGEANT STRIKER COMES RUNNING DOWN THE HALL SHOUTING THE ALARM LOUDLY. SERGEANT STRIKER SLAMS RIGHT INTO THE FRONT OF THE OFFICE DOOR AS SHE OPENS IT OUTWARD.
SUZANNE GRACE
[shouting loudly]
SERGEANT! SERGEANT! Has there been any --
SERGEANT STRIKER
[running and shouting]
SUZANNE! SUZANNE! Emergency! Up and at 'em! We got -- UMPH!!
SERGEANT STRIKER SLAMS INTO THE OPEN DOOR AND FALLS TO THE CORRIDOR FLOOR. SUZANNE HELPS HIM TO HIS FEET.
SUZANNE GRACE
What is it, SERGEANT? What's going on? Believe it or not, I've got DOCTOR DEJECTION himself on the other end of the line claiming that we're being invaded by gluttons from space, or some such!
SERGEANT STRIKER
He's right, SUZANNE! There's a gigantic blue blob-like entity terrorizing Manhattan! I don't know about space, but it emerged from the Hudson River about an hour ago...
CUT TO A SHOT OF AILEEN EMERGING DRIPPING WET FROM THE HUDSON RIVER ONTO A PIER IN MIDTOWN. PEOPLE RUN SCREAMING.
SERGEANT STRIKER
...Ate its way across town...
CUT TO A SHOT OF AILEEN GROWING LARGER AS SHE SWALLOWS UP PEDESTRIANS ALONG FORTY-SECOND STREET, HEADING EAST.
SERGEANT STRIKER
...And finally scaled the Rextab Building in midtown, where it's now demanding that all the food in the city be delivered to it!
CUT TO A SHOT OF AILEEN, SWOLLEN TO MONSTROUS PROPORTIONS, ATOP A VERY TALL SKYSCRAPER IN MIDTOWN, PSEUDOPODS WAVING AS IT BATS AT HELICOPTERS IN A MANNER VERY REMINISCIENT OF KING KONG BATTING AT BIPLANES IN THE CLASSIC FILM.
SERGEANT STRIKER
I've already sent the alarm out to MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL! You'd better tell DOCTOR DEJECTION to have his people rendezvous with them at the Rextab Building in order to take this invader down through teamwork! Come to think of it, I'd better get back on the horn and tell our people that their people are our people too, for today, or there's gonna be a free-for-all! Gotta run!
SERGEANT STRIKER TAKES OFF AT A DEAD RUN DOWN THE CORRIDOR. SUZANNE GRACE RETURNS HER ATTENTION TO THE PHONE IN HER FIST.
SUZANNE GRACE
How much of that did you overhear?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
All of it. I'll get a couple of my minions to the Rextab Building immediately, where they'll link up with your -- ahem -- minions and take down the space beast. [chuckles briefly] Amusing world, isn't it, MS. GRACE?
SUZANNE GRACE
[with a wry smile]
Har de har har, DOCTOR. Har de freaking har har.
SUZANNE GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE WITH A BANG.
CUT TO A SHOT OF Z-GIRL WORKING OUT ALONE IN THE VALCOM GYMNASIUM. SUDDENLY AN ALARM GOES OFF AND A RED LIGHT ON THE WALL BEGINS PULSING RHYTHMICALLY. Z-GIRL STOPS, TURNS HER HEAD, REGARDS THE LIGHT, POSES BRIEFLY, AND THEN FLIES UP THROUGH A HOLE IN THE ROOF.
Z-GIRL
Cripes! The signal! Gotta go to work! MATCHMAN will need my assistance!
CUT TO A SHOT OF SCOTT SUFFIX, MILD-MANNERED SCIENTIST AND MATCHMAN'S ALTER EGO, IN HIS LAB AT THE COLUMBIA BIOGENETIC RESEARCH FACILITY UPTOWN. HE IS REGARDING A CHEMICAL SPILL ON THE FLOOR WITH SOME CHAGRIN, WHEN SUDDENLY HE LOOKS UP AS HE GETS THE ALARM VIA MATCHSPIDER RADAR.
SCOTT SUFFIX
Damned spillage! Must...find mop! Wha...?!? MatchSpider radar...pinging! Oh no! A terrible invader from space is terrorizing Manhattan! This definitely sounds like a job for...MATCHMAN!
SCOTT SUFFIX RIPS OFF HIS LAB COAT AND STREET CLOTHES, REVEALING THE MATCHMAN COSTUME UNDERNEATH. HE TAKES OFF AT SUPER SPEED.
CUT TO THE FRONT DOORS OF THE COLUMBIA BIOGENETIC RESEARCH FACILITY, AS MATCHMAN FLIES OUT OF THEM AT TOP SPEED AND INTO THE SKY, HEADING FOR THE REXTAB BUILDING. Z-GIRL JOINS HIM IN MIDFLIGHT.
Z-GIRL
Did you get the update on the mission profile from SERGEANT
STRIKER?
MATCHMAN
Why, no, Z-GIRL. What have I missed?
Z-GIRL
You're going to love this one, M.M. Turns out this beast from space is something that B.L.A.H. has tangled with before, and it's got them running so scared that they've offered their assistance to us in evicting it from Earth!
MATCHMAN
Muzza chunka! You can't be serious!
Z-GIRL
I'm completely serious. We'll be fighting alongside two of their best, or worst, depending upon your moral perspective -- my personal nemesis DISCORDIA and your evil twin brother SUPER
FICIAL!
MATCHMAN
Well, all right, if that's the way it has to be. But keep your eyes peeled, Z-GIRL -- as soon as the dust settles, B.L.A.H. will be up to their old tricks again, and toot suite! Now let's go! One evil at a time!
CUT TO THE TOP OF THE REXTAB BUILDING, IN MIDTOWN AT MIDDAY. THE ENTIRE PINNACLE OF THE BUILDING IS OBSCURED BY THE GARGATUAN BLUE MASS OF A GROSSLY SWOLLEN AILEEN. POLICE AND NEWS HELICOPTERS BUZZ HER BULK, AS SHE SWATS AT THEM WITH HER PSEUDOPODS. SUDDENLY, MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL ARRIVE AT THE SCENE. THEY FIND SUPER FICIAL! AND DISCORDIA ALREADY THERE, HOVERING ABOUT, WAITING FOR THEM TO ARRIVE.
DISCORDIA
Took yer time there, Big Red! What, cross-town traffic, like, slow you down or something?
Z-GIRL
Nice to see you again too, DISCORDIA! Eeeurgh! That thing's horrid! Has it done anything in the meantime?
SUPER FICIAL!
It's begun to issue demands!
MATCHMAN
Demands? Holy guacamole! What sort of demands? Prisoners released? Governments overthrown? Earth to be colonized by others of its foul species?
DISCORDIA
Nah. Like, takeout food, mostly.
AILEEN
Tremble in fear, Newjerseylings! I crave cheeseburgers! AILEEN demands cheeseburgers! Bring them to me or I shall destroy the city!
MATCHMAN
Destroy the city, destroy the city. All the time it's destroy the city! Well, folks, I think we have enough punching power here to send little AILEEN back where she came from -- into orbit! Everyone pick a corner, and when I give the command, bop her a good one!
EACH OF THE FOUR SUPERPOWERED INDIVIDUALS FLIES TO A CORNER OF THE BUILDING AND PREPARES TO PUNCH UPWARD AT A CORNER OF AILEEN'S MONSTROUS BULK.
MATCHMAN
Ready... aim... kerblamo!
EACH SUPERPOWERED INDIVIDUAL PUNCHES THEIR ASSIGNED CORNER OF AILEEN'S BULK. FAR FROM BEING LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT, AILEEN LAUGHS. THE CORNER OF HER BULK NEAREST SUPER FICIAL!, A MASSIVE FLAP OF GLUTINOUS FLAB, FLIPS UP AND FLOPS DOWN AGAIN, PINNING SUPER FICIAL! AGAINST THE TOP OF THE BUILDING, ARMS TRAPPED. MEANWHILE, SCORES OF SEPARATE PSEUDOPODS SHOOT OUT AND ATTACK Z-GIRL, MATCHMAN, AND DISCORDIA INDIVIDUALLY. ALL THREE ARE OCCUPIED DEFENDING THEMSELVES WITH THEIR FISTS AND VARIOUS MIDAIR MARTIAL ARTS MOVES.
AILEEN
Ha ha ha! Puny Newjerseylings! My flab is beyond even your powers! Now I feed!
SUPER FICIAL!
Aaaaieee! Help me, somebody! Anybody! Don't let her eat me! Help! DISCORDIA!
DISCORDIA
Like, be there in a minute, S.F.! I've just got to --
AILEEN
Mmmm! An apple! I love apples! Thanks, Apple Girl! Zoop!
AILEEN NEATLY FLIPS THE GOLDEN APPLE FROM DISCORDIA'S GRASP WITH A SMALL PSEUDOPOD AND FLIPS IT INTO HER MOUTH AND SWALLOWS IT WITH A GULP. DISCORDIA IMMEDIATELY TURNS DULL AND FAINTS IN MIDAIR. HER FLIGHT POWERS CUT OUT AND SHE BEGINS TO FALL, BUT AILEEN CATCHES HER LIMP BODY AND SWALLOWS THAT, TOO.
DISCORDIA
What? Like, no! My golden apple... and... I'm... fifty stories... like... up... [faints]
AILEEN
Whoop! Mustn't waste food! There are orphans starving on Betelgeuse-9, you know! [catches and devours DISCORDIA'S limp body]
Z-GIRL
Ohmigosh! MATCHMAN! Did you see that? This AILEEN entity ate
DISCORDIA!
MATCHMAN
I can only hope that she doesn't get heartburn!
SUPER FICIAL!
Somebody help meeee! Argh!
AS MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL CONTINUE TO BATTLE AGAINST THEIR PSEUDOPODS, AILEEN REACHES DOWN, PICKS UP SUPER FICIAL! FROM BENEATH HER BOTTOM FLAB FLAP, AND EATS HIM WHOLE.
AILEEN
Now how'd that get down there? Sometimes the best stuff falls right down through the cracks! Glomp!
MATCHMAN
Good grief! That does it! Nobody eats my psychopathic revenge-obsessed evil twin brother in my town unless I say so! Time to clear the table, Z-GIRL!
Z-GIRL
You said it, M.M.! Just... one moment... while I... Aaaaah! It's got me!
MATCHMAN
Z-GIRL! No! Un-pseudopod her, you quivering refugee from a Pillsbury bake-off!
MATCHMAN WATCHES, HORRIFIED, AS Z-GIRL DISAPPEARS INTO AILEEN'S SLAVERING MAW. HE REALIZES THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT A HERO OF HIS STATURE CAN DO AT THIS POINT.
Z-GIRL
Eeeeek!
AILEEN
There goes the diet! Glomp!
MATCHMAN
She's... gone! They're all gone -- my erstwhile allies against this intergalactic glutton! Well, there's only one thing that I can do! Hang on, Z-GIRL! I'm going to bust you and the others out of there! Through the mouth, over the gums, look out, AILEEN, here it comes!
AILEEN
It's slobberin' time!
MATCHMAN FLIES DIRECTLY INTO AILEEN'S OPEN MOUTH. FOR A MOMENT, EVERYTHING GOES BLACK. THEN MATCHMAN FINDS HIMSELF HOVERING IN THE MIDST OF A BLUE VOID -- A BLUE THE EXACT COLOR OF AILEEN'S EXTERIOR. AFTER LOOKING AROUND A BIT, HE NOTICES A BIT OF OUTDOOR SCENERY IN THE DISTANCE. HE FLIES TOWARDS IT -- A FIELD OF GRASS, SOME SHRUBS, A TREE OR TWO, FLOWERS, A SMALL STREAM. SCATTERED ABOUT THIS IDYLLIC SCENE IS A CROWD OF PEOPLE -- ALL THE PEOPLE THAT AILEEN HAS EATEN SO FAR IN HER STAY ON EARTH, BEGINNING WITH THE FIRST GUY SHE ATE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE. Z-GIRL AND SUPER FICIAL! ARE THERE, TOO. DISCORDIA LIES DULL AND UNCONSCIOUS ON THE GROUND, AND HER GOLDEN APPLE LIES OFF TO THE SIDE. MATCHMAN LANDS AND STARTS TALKING TO HIS ALLIES.
MATCHMAN
How bizarre! It appears that AILEEN'S alien digestive system actually deposits her food in a parallel pocket dimension of some kind! Assorted vegetation, water she must have drank or absorbed, air she must have inhaled! And these must be all of the people from her rampage through the tri-state area! Is everyone all right!
Z-GIRL
SUPER FICIAL! and I are fine, and you can see how DISCORDIA'S doing. None of these poor victims seem to be hurt.
GUY
Wow! MATCHMAN! Boy, are we glad you're here! You've got to figure out a way for us all to escape back to Earth!
MATCHMAN
Hmm... well, let's consider this. There are three ways we can approach a possible solution to our current dilemma. [he sits down on a rock and strikes a pose reminiscent of Rodin's famous "Thinker" statue] Our first option is to simply wait until AILEEN has devoured all organic material on Earth. Earth would then have been, in effect, brought back to us, and from that point it should be possible to rebuild human society on an idyllic pastoral basis, with a strong emphasis on subsistence agriculture.
Z-GIRL
Um, I think we need something more immediate than that.
MATCHMAN
Right! Which brings us to option number two, if you'll pardon the small pun! All digestive systems have an intake and, well, an outflow of some sort. We could simply take advantage of AILEEN'S, ah, natural eliminatory functions, whatever those may be like!
SUPER FICIAL!
[amid groans of disgust from the crowd]
Oh, man, you can't be serious! Gack!
Z-GIRL
Come on, MATCHMAN! There has to be a better idea than that!
MATCHMAN
There is indeed, my faithful sidekick! Our third option is to offend the physical material of this pocket dimension that constitutes AILEEN'S digestive system in such a way that the tortured fabric of her space-time continuum simply ejects us as an unwanted distortion! Such effects are easily obtained in our own universe by the gravitational collapse of trans-stellar quantities of matter!
GUY
It sounds like you're talking about inducing vomiting.
Z-GIRL
You mean... create a black hole right here inside AILEEN? How?
MATCHMAN
How else, old chum?
MATCHMAN POINTS, AND EVERYONE LOOKS WHERE HE'S POINTING. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON WHAT HE'S POINTING AT -- DISCORDIA'S GOLDEN APPLE.
Z-GIRL
You really think it'll work?
MATCHMAN
All three of us have incredible arrays of super powers, including SUPER FICIAL! here, who has his own antithesis of my insurmountable Matchpowers themselves! If each of us concentrates our respective powers on that golden apple, we could, through a focused effort, aid DISCORDIA in creating a miniature black hole, which would in effect turn AILEEN inside out and restore us to our own dimension!
SUPER FICIAL!
What the hey. I'm in. It's either that or rot in a space blob's stomach for the rest of my life.
Z-GIRL
Right! Let's do it! First I'll revive DISCORDIA by giving her the apple back! (I can't believe I'm actually doing this!)
MATCHMAN
O.K., Z-GIRL! But watch out! Don't let that evil artifact touch any part of your bare skin, or it'll take you over and you will become the new DISCORDIA!
Z-GIRL
Thanks for the warning, M.M.! I'll be careful!
Z-GIRL RUNS OVER AND PICKS UP THE APPLE. SHE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT AS SHE STARES INTO ITS SPARKLING DEPTHS. AT MATCHMAN'S CONCERNED PROMPT, SHE SHAKES HER HEAD AND BREAKS FREE OF THE APPLE'S EVIL EFFECT. THEN SHE REACHES DOWN AND PLACES IT IN THE HAND OF THE FALLEN DISCORDIA, WHO IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO REVIVE AND GET TO HER FEET.
Z-GIRL
Wow... I've never been this close to the apple before... it's so... beautiful...
MATCHMAN
Z-GIRL! Snap out of it! We've got a job to do!
Z-GIRL
Oh...right! Right! Here's your apple back, caramello! [she puts the apple in DISCORDIA'S hand]
DISCORDIA
[groggy]
Uuunnhhh... like, what did I miss, guys? Hey! Where are we? Tell me that this is not, like, where I think this is!
MATCHMAN
Yes, it's AILEEN'S stomach, DISCORDIA! Now, hold your golden apple up so that we can all touch it and try with all of our collective might to induce a molecular black hole so that we can return home!
DISCORDIA
AILEEN'S stomach? That's, like, a major relief -- I thought it was heaven! A black hole? Gee, I dunno, there, Big Red -- I've never done anything that intense before!
MATCHMAN
We're here to help you, DISCORDIA! For all of our sakes, try with all of your -- and our -- might!
DISCORDIA HOLDS THE GOLDEN APPLE UP HIGH, AND MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL AND SUPER FICIAL! EACH EXTENDS A HAND TO TOUCH IT. THE FOUR ARE IN A PYRAMID FORMATION WITH THE APPLE AT ITS APEX.
MATCHMAN
Marvelous Matchpowers, activate!
IN AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF SOUND AND LIGHT, THE GOLDEN APPLE MANAGES TO TRIGGER A SMALL BLACK HOLE IN THE CENTER OF AILEEN'S STOMACH DIMENSION, WHICH SUCKS ALL OF THE CONTENTS OF HER STOMACH INTO ITSELF AND VANISHES.
CUT TO AN EXTERIOR SHOT OF AILEEN ATOP THE REXTAB BUILDING. SHE SWAYS AND HOLDS A PSEUDOPOD OR TWO TO HER STOMACH. SHE OBVIOUSLY ISN'T FEELING VERY WELL. OMINOUS RUMBLING AND GURGLINGS ARE HEARD.
AILEEN
Burp! Oooooh, I don't feel so good! It must... have been... something I ...ate? Oh no... BLAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
TO THE ACCOMPANIMENT OF A TRULY HIDEOUS SPEWING NOISE, AILEEN VOMITS OUT THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF HER STOMACH, AND WHILE SHE DOESN'T QUITE TURN INSIDE OUT, SHE IS VAULTED HIGH THROUGH THE AIR AND INTO SPACE BY THE RECOIL. AS SHE RISES, SHE SHRINKS BACK TO TINY SIZE, AS SHE NO LONGER HAS ANY FOOD IN HER STOMACH. THE CONTENTS OF HER STOMACH -- OUR FOUR POWERED INDIVIDUALS, THE CROWD OF INNOCENT VICTIMS, AND THE PEACEFUL MEADOW REMAIN ON TOP OF THE REXTAB BUILDING, LOOKING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A PENTHOUSE GARDEN PARTY.
Z-GIRL
Hooray! It worked!
SUPER FICIAL!
Not a bad plan, bro -- not a bad plan at all!
DISCORDIA
Wow, brains as well as brawn -- nice goin' there, Big Red!
MATCHMAN
Well, I couldn't have done it without the three of you! Because we worked together well as a team, we managed to save ourselves and all of these innocent people -- not to mention send AILEEN back where she came from! I think today's key word is: teamwork!
THERE IS A BRIEF PAUSE AS HEROES AND VILLAINS REGARD EACH OTHER WITH A GLANCE OF MUTUAL SATISFACTION. THE NEXT SECOND, THE FOUR ARE FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER AGAIN AND EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL IN THE MATCHMAN UNIVERSE.
DISCORDIA
Like, enough chitchat! Let's hit 'em hard now while they're off-guard, S.F.!
SUPER FICIAL!
You'd thought I'd forgotten about my revenge, didn't you, my brother! Ha! Now I shall claim my pound of flesh for what you've done to me!
Z-GIRL
You can't turn your back on these guys for a second!
MATCHMAN
That's it, you two reprobates! I'm taking the both of you downtown!
NARRATOR
[voice-over]
And so all's well that ends well, and it looks like it's back to business as usual for our heroes the VALCom Team! But what of
AILEEN?
CUT TO A SHOT OF A DISTANT ASTEROID, ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A SOFTBALL, ON WHICH A MINISCULE AILEEN SITS AND WAVES HER TENTACLES AT THE UNCARING VOID OF SPACE WHICH SURROUNDS HER ON EVERY SIDE.
AILEEN
Someday, MATCHMAN! Someday I will return to your scrumptious planet of New Jersey! And when I do, I promise that the appetizers on my personal menu of revenge will be you and your friends! Do you hear me? Appetizers! [she slumps, dejected] Waaah! I'm hungry!
FADE OUT TO FINAL CREDITS.
THE END.