The MatchmanFADE IN ON MAIN TITLES.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF TELEVISION STUDIO.
To the cheers and screams of a large studio audience, we see the multiracial and slightly overweight female hosts of a popular morning talk show seated on stage. The primary host smiles and addresses the audience.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
Hi! Good morning, everyone, and welcome to "City Chat!" I'm your host as always, BARBARA GAMAREKIAN, and today we're interviewing a very special guest indeed! He's a self-described "super villain" who hails from Paterson, New Jersey; so let's give it up for...
CUT TO LEFT SIDE OF TELEVISION STAGE SET.
DOCTOR DEJECTION enters, hovering as usual, smiling broadly and waving at the audience. He proceeds to center stage, where he sits down in a comfortable armchair.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
(voice-over)
...DOCTOR DEJECTION!
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Thank you, thank you, most kind...
CUT TO CENTER STAGE.
DOCTOR DEJECTION, BARBARA GAMAREKIAN, and the other host women sit around comfortably chatting. They sip coffee from
cups as they talk. Cameras hover around them, televising their conversation for the morning viewing audience.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
So, DOCTOR DEJECTION, you describe yourself as a "super-villain." What exactly does a super- villain do in this day and age?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Mine is a very traditional profession, BARBARA. I have to obey all sorts of little niceties in order to remain in business. Just lately I've implemented a brand new plan -- the construction of a giant weapon with which to threaten the earth into submission, and perhaps blackmail its reluctant yet fearful populace into giving me a large sum of money.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
But wouldn't the destruction of the entire planet result in your own death as well? [audience whoops and hollers in support]
DOCTOR DEJECTION
So the ignorant might suppose.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
So what sort of weapon are we talking about here, DOCTOR? This giant death ray laser gun of yours...
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[interrupting heatedly]
BARBARA, let's get one thing straight. This weapon of mine is no mere "gun." Far from it! A
gun is so...simple. My device is light years beyond guns! It is the very antithesis of a gun!
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
[puzzled]
You mean it's a...a...nug?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[angrier]
It is NOT a "nug!"
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
You lost me there, DOC. [audience cheers]
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[covers face with hand]
Oh for Pete's sake...
INT. -- LOUNGE IN VALCOM COMPLEX
MATCHMAN is sitting on a couch, in costume, watching TV in the VALentine Complex lounge. Z-GIRL wanders into the lounge behind the couch. They both have cups of coffee in their hands and have both obviously just come on duty at the start of the day. MATCHMAN happens to be watching "City "Chat," the show that DOCTOR DEJECTION is currently on.
MATCHMAN
Heh heh heh. Z-GIRL, come here. You'll get a real kick out of this!
Z-GIRL
Why? What is it?
Z-GIRL wanders over to the couch to look at the TV.
CUT TO SHOT OF TV IN LOUNGE.
On the TV we see DOCTOR DEJECTION'S face as he chats with BARBARA GAMAREKIAN, who is off-camera at the moment.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
[voice-over]
So let's get back to this "nug" of yours... [audience laughs] What I want to know...
DOCTOR DEJECTION
For the last time... [he is drowned out by the audience laughter]
CUT BACK TO MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL ON THE COUCH.
MATCHMAN
Ha ha ha ha! He's just digging himself deeper and deeper! He never should have mentioned that weapon of his!
Z-GIRL
Um, MATCHMAN, what weapon would that be?
MATCHMAN
That "nug" thing of his -- the one he's going to blackmail the earth with as he threatens its imminent destruction... [Z-GIRL gives him a long and meaningful look askance]... Oh. Yes, right, I see! [MATCHMAN stands up purposefully] We must hasten to defeat this madman and his scheme so as
to save the innocent city! Follow me, my faithful sidekick! Away! Away!
MATCHMAN hurls his half-empty coffee mug to the floor, bounds over the back of the couch and out the door of the lounge. Z-GIRL sighs, drains her coffee mug purposefully, and follows him out the door at a slightly more reasonable pace, shaking her head.
Z-GIRL
I've just got to get him to cut down on the espresso in the mornings... Up, up, and away.
CUT BACK TO INTERIOR OF TELEVISION STUDIO.
DOCTOR DEJECTION stands in the center of the stage set, having overturned the table. He strikes a Wagnerian pose as BARBARA GAMAREKIAN and the other women on the show look at him in bemused humor.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[thundering]
I am not alone! My army of sycophants and minions will assist me! I shall bring this city to its knees! And the day after tomorrow, the world! HA
HA HA HA HA!
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
[with professional good cheer]
O.K., well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today, DOCTOR, so let me take this opportunity to thank you for being on our show this morning.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[bowing suavely]
The pleasure was all mine, BARBARA.
EXT. -- SKY OVER THE CITY -- DAY.
MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL are flying through the sky searching for evidence of evil mischief.
MATCHMAN
Keep your eyes peeled, Z-GIRL! That archfiend's secret weapon could be anywhere!
Z-GIRL
I'm going to contact SERGEANT STRIKER back at VALentine Complex and see if he's found anything yet with his ordnance scans!
Z-GIRL activates a small video communicator on her wrist. The camera zooms in on it as SERGEANT STRIKER'S head appears within its tiny confines.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[on mini screen]
Roger that, Z-GIRL. I'm completing the first full sweep of the city as we speak, and so far, nothing. Whatever DOCTOR DEJECTION's cooked up for us this time, he's been very careful to keep it under wraps!
Z-GIRL
I copy, SERGEANT STRIKER. Over and out! MATCHMAN, how are we going to locate the device in time? It may already be too late!
MATCHMAN
Have no fear, little chum! We shall triumph as we always have -- through the application of a little TLC!
Z-GIRL
Toughness, Luck and Combat?
MATCHMAN
Tender Loving Care, old chum! Tender Loving Care!
Z-GIRL
[groans]
INT. -- DOCTOR DEJECTION'S SECRET UNDERGROUND COMMAND
BUNKER IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY.
DOCTOR DEJECTION sits in his command chair. Around him stands his faithful crew of evil minions: DISCORDIA, EL BURRO BANDITO, and SUPER FICIAL!. All stare upwards at the giant viewscreen, which currently is split in two, showing MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL flying through the air above the city on the left, and SERGEANT STRIKER operating his scanning computer screen at his desk on the right.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Hah! That sulfur-headed fool doesn't know the meaning of real scanning! I have developed that particular science into an art! Little does he know that I can read every inch of their precious VALentine Complex base, every nook and cranny!
DOCTOR DEJECTION leaps out of his chair and begins to pace. DISCORDIA immediately walks up behind him and proceeds to loll in it sexily, dangling her apple as per usual.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
And that meat-brained dunce MATCHMAN is playing right into my hands! Little does he know that my doomsday device is naught but a clever ruse! After all, why would I go on television to announce a so-called secret plan to the entire city? It was bait, purely bait, and a tasty bait as well! I shall lure him and his puerile sidekick Z-GIRL straight into my trap -- and when they are there, I shall spring it! We cannot fail this time, my minions! I know that you...
CUT TO EL BURRO BANDITO STANDING THERE CHEWING A CIGAR AND
SCRATCHING HIS BEHIND.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...EL BURRO BANDITO, fastest and least washed gun south of the Rio Grande...
EL BURRO BANDITO
Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
CUT TO SUPER FICIAL! STANDING THERE IN IMPOSING POSTURE.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...SUPER FICIAL!, MATCHMAN's evil psychotic twin brother recently escaped from a mental institution and thirsting for revenge...(whew, try saying that five times fast)...
SUPER FICIAL!
[pounds fist into palm]
MATCHMAN must pay for what he did to me all those years ago!
CUT TO DISCORDIA LOLLING SEXILY IN COMMAND CHAIR DANGLING
HER APPLE.
[Note: it might be for the best to make her outfit a bit less revealing for the cartoon series.]
DOCTOR DEJECTION
...And last but not least, sweet DISCORDIA, my angel of pure evil! We know that MATCHMAN can resist neither your feminine charms, nor the awesome power of your mystical apple! Isn't that true, my golden delicious?
DISCORDIA
Like, right on the money, DOCTOR D.! So when do we, like, commence operations?
CUT BACK TO DOCTOR DEJECTION LOOKING UP AT THE VIEWSCREEN
AGAIN.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
We already have, my dear. We already have. Ha ha ha ha ha!
EXT. -- SKY OVER THE CITY -- MIDDAY.
MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL are still flying over the city when they get a call from SERGEANT STRIKER on Z-GIRL's communicator.
SERGEANT STRIKER
[voice-over]
Z-GIRL! Come in, Z-GIRL! This is SERGEANT STRIKER calling from VALentine Complex!
Z-GIRL
[addressing her wrist]
I read you loud and clear, SARGE! What's up?
SERGEANT STRIKER
I've pinpointed an unusual source of radiation coming from the vicinity of Grant's Tomb on the upper west side! It's increasing by the second!
MATCHMAN
Grant's Tomb! Squa tront! That must be where DOCTOR DEJECTION has hidden his secret destructo- weapon! Just the sort of fiendishly clever symbolism I've come to expect from such a twisted mad genius! Follow me, Z-GIRL!
BOTH HEROES PEEL OFF AND FLY AWAY TO THE NORTH
EXT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY
Z-GIRL and MATCHMAN land outside Grant's Tomb and look around.
Z-GIRL
Say, MATCHMAN -- did you ever hear the old joke about who's buried in Grant's Tomb?
MATCHMAN
I sure have, Z-GIRL...
THE TWO HEROES CAUTIOUSLY ENTER THE DIMLY LIT AND DESERTED
TOMB.
MATCHMAN
...President Hiram Ulysses S. Grant (the "S" in his name stood for nothing, by the way), his wife Julia Boggs Dent Grant, two Secret Service agents...
DOCTOR DEJECTION'S VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS WITHIN
...And two bartenders! Ha ha ha ha!
CUT TO FURTHER INTERIOR OF THE TOMB.
MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL reel back in surprise as the lights come up and the interior of the Tomb is revealed. A glow comes from the circular crypt in the center. MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL rush to the rim of the crypt and look down into it. There stands what appears to be DOCTOR DEJECTION, hovering above the twin sarcophagi, next a large weapon of indeterminate origin.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
Ha ha ha ha! You're too late, my old foe! I have already initiated my master plan to destroy the city!
MATCHMAN leaps down into the crypt, followed by Z-GIRL.
MATCHMAN
It's never too late to fight evil, DOCTOR!
Z-GIRL
Let's get him!
As our heroic duo land upon DOCTOR DEJECTION, however, he and his weapon vanish -- they were holograms. DOCTOR DEJECTION'S faint laughter hangs in the air. MATCHMAN and Z-GIRL stand bewildered upon the sarcophagi
MATCHMAN
What the -- a hologram! Uh-oh.
Z-GIRL
Oh no! MATCHMAN! It's a trap! Look out!
CUT TO SURROUNDING CRYPT AREA.
DISCORDIA, SUPER FICIAL! and EL BURRO BANDITO emerge from the openings between the busts of Grant's generals and advance to surround our heroes.
SUPER FICIAL!
Yes, it's a trap all right, my hapless brother...
EL BURRO BANDITO
...And choo two pendejos fell for it hook, line, and chumbo! Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
DISCORDIA
It was all, like, a big ruse, you two! There isn't rilly any big secret weapon, ya know -- unless you count these! Hit it, SF!
SUPER FICIAL! PRESSES AN ACTIVATION BUTTON ON A SMALL
HANDHELD DEVICE.
CUT TO CENTER OF CRYPT. MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL GO FLYING AS THE TOPS OF THE SARCOPHAGI POP OFF AND TWO GIANT GLOWING CYLINDERS FLY OUT LIKE GAG SNAKES. THEY ARE HUGE AND
MUSCULAR. THEY ARE THE PULVERIZERS.
MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL GO FLYING BACK UP TO THE MAIN LEVEL OF THE TOMB. AS THEY STRUGGLE TO THEIR FEET, THE PULVERIZERS STEP UP FROM THE SUNKEN CRYPT ONTO THE MAIN FLOOR LIKE A
PAIR OF GIANT SLINKY TOYS, GLOWING MENACINGLY.
MATCHMAN
Great Scott! It's a pair of kinky boot beasts!
Z-GIRL
These horrible things must be the source of that strange radiation that SERGEANT STRIKER detected! But what on earth are they?
DISCORDIA AND SUPER FICIAL! ZOOM UP OUT OF THE CRYPT AND STAND ON ITS EDGE AS THE PULVERIZERS BEGIN TO STOMP MENACINGLY TOWARDS MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL, WHO BACK AWAY WARILY. FROM ANOTHER REAR ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN HALL, EL BURRO BANDITO COMES RUNNING UP THE STAIRS, SHOTGUN IN HAND,
BECAUSE HE CAN'T FLY.
DISCORDIA
We, like, call 'em the Pulverizers. Just another little toy from the DOC's private arsenal!
SUPER FICIAL!
Yes... and if they don't succeed in stomping you, we most certainly shall finish the job!
EL BURRO BANDITO
Wait...wait! Choo better save some for me, compadres! Eeh-awh! Eeh-awh!
COMBAT BEGINS AS MATCHMAN AND Z-GIRL DODGE AND PUNCH THE PULVERIZERS. EL BURRO BANDITO TAKES TWO INEFFECTIVE POTSHOTS AT MATCHMAN, AND SUPER FICIAL! CIRCLES TO GET BEHIND MATCHMAN, WHILE DISCORDIA SQUARES OFF AGAINST Z-
GIRL.
SUPER FICIAL!
I got dibs on you, tough guy!
MATCHMAN
The deuce you say! Uunnnhhh!
SUPER FICIAL! NAILS MATCHMAN ON THE CHIN WITH A RIGHT CROSS. MATCHMAN STAGGERS BACK A PACE OR TWO, AND THEN EL BURRO BANDITO DROPS HIS SHOTGUN AND LEAPS ON HIS BACK FROM BEHIND. ALL THIS WHILE DOGING THE PULVERIZERS, OF COURSE.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Hah! I gotchoo, mank!
SUPER FICIAL!
Perfect! Now he's all ours!
SUPER FICIAL! LEAPS IN HIS TURN UPON MATCHMAN FROM THE FRONT. MATCHMAN GOES DOWN UNDER THEIR COMBINED ASSAULTS, NEARLY HIDDEN FROM VIEW. SUDDENLY HE STRAIGHTENS UP, FLINGING BOTH ENEMIES FROM HIM IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. THEY BOUNCE OFF THE WALLS OF THE TOMB. EL BURRO BANDITO IS
KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS.
MATCHMAN
Now hold it right there, Squanto!
THEN SUDDENLY ONE OF THE PULVERIZERS STOMPS SQUARELY DOWN UPON MATCHMAN, CRUSHING HIM THROUGH THE MARBLE FLOOR WITH A
BIG BOOMING SOUND.
MEANWHILE, Z-GIRL AND DISCORDIA ARE GRAPPLING HAND-TO-HAND.
Z-GIRL IS TRYING TO GET TO THE GOLDEN APPLE.
DISCORDIA
How can you, like, continue to resist the awesome power of my golden apple? Submit, you bimbo, like, just submit already!
Z-GIRL
Bimbo?!? I'll never submit, you fourteen-carat space case! [Z-GIRL's wrist communicator flickers on] Come in, VALentine Complex! Request assistance! Repeat, request assistance! Over!
INT. -- VALENTINE COMPLEX CONTROL CENTER -- DAY
Lots of computers line the walls of the VALCom control center. At one monitor is seated SERGEANT STRIKER. Behind him stand LANCE CORPOREAL and DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE.
LANCE CORPOREAL
What's going on, SERGEANT? That sounds like a distress call! Are they in trouble!
SERGEANT STRIKER
LANCE CORPOREAL! DOCTOR DENDRITE! It's about time you guys got back to the base! MATCHMAN and Z-
GIRL are slugging it out in Grant's Tomb with DOCTOR DEJECTION'S unholy minions in order to stop them from destroying the city with a new super-weapon of horrifying effectiveness!
DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE
Is that all? Let me see. [she stares at the computer screen] Aha -- Pulverizers! I've seen these before -- I remember when DOCTOR DEJECTION used them to disrupt the World Cup Finals in Sao Paulo a few years back. What did we do -- oh yes. [clears throat] Ah, come in, Z-GIRL. This is DOCTOR DENDRITE. We're going to bathe the Tomb area in a counteractive radiation that should paralyze the Pulverizers just long enough for you to take them out. Ah, over. O.K., hit it, LANCE.
LANCE CORPOREAL FLICKS A SWITCH.
INT. GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
A STRANGE RADIATION PULSES THROUGH THE CHAMBER, TURING EVERYTHING VARIOUS SHADES OF ORANGE FOR A MOMENT. MATCHMAN IS BELOW IN THE CRYPT BEING MENACED BY THE TWO PULVERIZERS WHEN THIS HAPPENS. WHEN THE ORANGE RADIATION FADES, THE PULVERIZERS ARE LEFT GRAY AND TREMBLING, UNABLE TO STOMP
ANY MORE.
Z-GIRL
[from off-camera above]
It worked! The Pulverizers are paralyzed! MATCHMAN, now's our only chance!
MATCHMAN
I hear you loud and clear, Z-GIRL! Time to send these oversized chew toys back to New Jersey by special airmail delivery!
MATCHMAN swiftly clobbers both Pulverizers in turn with brutal uppercuts. Each one goes flying up through the hole in the floor, crashes through the roof, and sailing off into the distance over and across the Hudson River to the west. (Nice exterior scenic shot of this, by the way.) MATCHMAN then leaps up from the crypt back to the main floor of the Tomb.
MATCHMAN
Aha! Ooooooof!
MATCHMAN is hit immediately by a flying tackle from SUPER FICIAL! Meanwhile, Z-GIRL and DISCORDIA have been exchanging a complicated series of martial arts moves, until finally DISCORDIA knocks Z-GIRL down and gets a little breathing room. She looks a bit winded.
Z-GIRL
[getting to her feet]
Give it up, DISCORDIA! Your evil master's devious plan has failed!
DISCORDIA
Like, au contraire! See this? [she tucks her apple under her arm for a moment and pulls a small device out of her costume and holds it up] This is the triggering device for the doomsday weapon!
MATCHMAN is having his head beaten against the marble floor by SUPER FICIAL! as they grapple. It doesn't seem to faze him in the slightest.
MATCHMAN
Gasp! You mean...the nug?!?
SUPER FICIAL!
[in rhythm with his pounding]
Yes! She! Means! The! Nug!
INT. -- DOCTOR DEJECTION'S SECRET UNDERGROUND COMMAND
BUNKER -- DAY.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[screaming at his viewscreen as he watches what's transpiring]
It is not a nug! How many times do I have to tell you people! It is not a nug!
INT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
Z-GIRL
So it wasn't a ruse! There really was a secret weapon after all!
DISCORDIA
[smirking]
Plans, like, within plans, Z-GIRL! Ha ha ha!
Z-GIRL
No! I can't let you destroy the city!
DISCORDIA presses the button as Z-GIRL leaps forward.
EXT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
The entire domed top of Grant's Tomb flips back abruptly, like the top of a Zippo lighter (with a similar sound), and the giant weapon pops out.
INT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
Z-GIRL and DISCORDIA wrestle on the floor for the controller for the giant weapon, as well as the golden apple. A confused juggling act ensues. Meanwhile, MATCHMAN and SUPER FICIAL! continue to pummel each other over on the other side of the Tomb, and EL BURRO BANDITO remains unconscious.
EXT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
The top of the Tomb flips back and forth repeatedly, as the weapon pops in and out, in and out.
INT. -- VALENTINE COMPLEX CONTROL ROOM -- DAY
SERGEANT STRIKER, LANCE CORPOREAL, and DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE watch intensely as the weapon pops in and out.
INT. -- DOCTOR DEJECTION'S SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER --
DAY.
DOCTOR DEJECTION watches Grant's Tomb intensely on his viewscreen as well.
INT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
Z-GIRL manages to knock the apple away and snatch the remote control device from DISCORDIA'S distracted hand.
Z-GIRL
Whoops! Like, there goes your apple!
DISCORDIA
Eeek! My apple! I'm like, helpless without... my... golden... apple...
DISCORDIA turns dull yellow and faints. Meanwhile, MATCHMAN bashes SUPER FICIAL! halfway through the wall of the Tomb, knocking him unconscious.
SUPER FICIAL!
Urk!
MATCHMAN
And that's all she wrote! Now, Z-GIRL! End this farce once and for all!
Z-GIRL
Way ahead of you, M.M.!
Z-GIRL presses a large red button on the device.
DISEMBODIED COMPUTER VOICE
Auto destruct sequence initiated.
EXT. -- GRANT'S TOMB -- DAY.
The flip top dome of the Tomb collapses down cockeyed around the secret weapon with a loud flatulent sound.
INT. -- DOCTOR DEJECTION'S SECRET UNDERGROUND HEADQUARTERS
-- DAY.
DOCTOR DEJECTION watches the events unfolding on his viewscreen, horrified at the final outcome.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[howling in fury]
Nooooooooooooo!
INT. -- VALENTINE COMPLEX TELEVISION LOUNGE -- MORNING OF
THE FOLLOWING DAY.
MATCHMAN, Z-GIRL, SERGEANT STRIKER, LANCE CORPOREAL, and DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE are all sitting around on couches and chairs watching the morning television.
CUT TO VIEW OF TELEVISION SCREEN.
Here we see news footage of SUPER FICIAL!, EL BURRO BANDITO, and DISCORDIA descending the steps of a police station. The newscaster comments and narrates.
NEWSCASTER'S VOICE
[voice-over]
...After last night's cataclysmic battle uptown at Grant's Tomb, noted local super-villains DISCORDIA, SUPER FICIAL! and EL BURRO BANDITO were released from custody this morning at a downtown precinct, after promptly posting bail. At an impromptu press conference on the steps of the police station, they had a few words to say about the incident...
The television image changes to SUPER FICIAL! and EL BURRO BANDITO standing together facing a sea of microphones thrust at them.
SUPER FICIAL!
...Completely illegal and unlawful. My cohorts and I deplore this dreadful incident and its accompanying allegations. There is no proof that my friend EL BURRO BANDITO here and I were engaged in any wrongdoing. However, there is ample proof that we were severely assaulted and battered by MATCHMAN and his outlaw gang of vigilantes, who, as usual, took the law into their own hands, and we intend to press charges as soon as possible.
EL BURRO BANDITO
Si, and to add to mi compadre's statement, I would like to say that MATCHMAN's cowardly assault on mi cuerpo was obviously a racially motivated hate crime directed as much at all Hispano-Americans across our fair city as much as it was at me. Such racist tactics are muy malo and should not be tolerated in our society! Eeh- awh! Eeh-awh!
Cut to DISCORDIA standing alone before a sea of microphones, golden apple in hand.
DISCORDIA
Like, nothing can be proven, rilly. We've already got ourselves a rilly good attorney, and we're like, going to sue the pants off VALentine Complex for wrongful detention, assault and battery, and all like that. They even stole my apple! I mean, what kind of sickos are they? Like, due process of law and all that, right?
CUT BACK TO THE INTERIOR OF THE VALCOM TELEVISION LOUNGE.
The entire VALCom Team looks a bit put out by what they've just seen. A grim mood predominates.
LANCE CORPOREAL
Here we go again. When are they going to learn?
SERGEANT STRIKER
Seriously. How many times have they tried to sue us for this sort of thing?
DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE
I guess they'll just never learn that crime doesn't pay. Turn the channel, M.M. I want to see who's the new guest on "City Chat" today.
MATCHMAN
Never fear -- MATCHMAN is here! [he uses the remote to change the channel on the TV to "City Chat"]
CUT TO VIEW OF TELEVISION SCREEN ONCE AGAIN. THE "CITY CHAT" STAGE IS AS IT WAS BEFORE, AS ARE THE FEMALE HOSTS AND THE PRIMARY HOST BARBARA GAMAREKIAN. TODAY'S GUEST IS
DOCTOR DEJECTION ONCE AGAIN.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
[over audience laughter]
...So, what you're saying, DOCTOR, is that your super-genius grand scheme involved stashing your giant secret nug in Grant's Tomb, of all places?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
I really wish you'd stop calling it a "nug," BARBARA. It wasn't funny the first twenty times you called it that and it isn't funny now.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
Still, though, Grant's Tomb? What were you thinking?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[sighs]
I know, I know. I should have used the Garfield Monument. [audience laughter] What? It's the largest mausoleum in the Western Hemisphere, you know. It's all the way out in Cleveland, though. Maybe next time.
CUT TO VALCOM TELEVISION LOUNGE. ALL OF UOUR GOOD GUYS ARE LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF AT DOCTOR DEJECTION'S DISCOMFORT.
THEN CUT BACK TO THE TELEVISION SCREEN.
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
Do you have anything to say to our home viewing audience about the statements recently made to the press by your minions once they were bailed out of jail?
DOCTOR DEJECTION
As a matter of fact, I do, BARBARA. Aside from all questions of legality and criminality, I would like to take this moment to formally condemn vigilantism in all of its aspects as a noxious blight on our fair society. This is not the Wild West, and no citizen should be allowed to take the law into their own hands and be judge, jury, and executioner all in one. The only conceivable result can be complete social anarchy
and chaos in the streets. Having said that, I would also like to send a message to my age-old enemies at VALentine Complex...
CLOSE-UP OF DOCTOR DEJECTION'S FACE ON THE TELEVISION
SCREEN.
DOCTOR DEJECTION
[menacingly]
I'll get you, MATCHMAN! I'll be back, and when I return, I shall be the victor! I shall make you rue the day you were ever born! Ha ha ha ha ha!
BARBARA GAMAREKIAN
[off-camera]
Whew! You can cut the drama with a knife, folks! And now we'll return after these commercial messages!
CUT BACK TO THE VIEW OF THE INTERIOR OF THE VALENTINE
COMPLEX TELEVISION LOUNGE.
Z-GIRL
"Rue the day?" Who even talks like that anymore?
DOCTOR RHODA DENDRITE
Tell me about it.
LANCE CORPOREAL
There's one chap who's read far too many pulp magazines and suchlike. Completely around the bend.
SERGEANT STRIKER
Maybe his evident deformity drove him insane.
MATCHMAN
[leaning forward to address the television screen]
Whenever you're ready for a rematch, DOCTOR DEJECTION, feel free to turn up the heat! And when you finally decide to crawl back out from under whatever rock it is that you hide beneath, I'll be right here waiting for you! Come get some!
FADE OUT TO FINAL CREDITS.
THE END.